This week has been very hard emotionally and physically- my arms continue to feel very sore , I have had chiropractic treatment and three out of six massages- and I know I am progressing slowly.
I feel frustrated because I can't do all the things I want to to-especially in the garden, moving pots re potting plants. I have to change John's bed more often and on a bad day that is sore on my arms.Lots of things are difficult, John has not been great, he has more pain, and the new medication while helpful, makes him so tired, and I am not sure the treatment for the side effects of the medication is helping just yet.
I feel quite down about it all- I don't know if this is the beginning of the end, it might be.This last two years has taken it's toll on me. I can see it in my face sometimes.
I am fighting tears a lot when I look at John dosing in bed, or fast asleep. He looks so pale sometimes and I catch glimpses of what he looked like when he was in hospital.
I am having some counselling, but sometimes I feel like I either need more, or I need to stop playing the glad game, be more upfront about how I am feeling with family and friends. This is more difficult here as I am constantly being careful what I say on the phone or when folk are here because in such a small place John might hear me.
I have been working on a new regime for myself, and for the first three days in August i did all the things I wanted to do for my writing and my creativity- but then John's needs took priority- plus household things- and it can get me down.
I had to cancel my coffee with Pete the other day- at the Tate I was looking forward to getting to the Tate, and maybe a ferry on the Mersey.
I hope to get to London on Tuesday all being well, been looking forward to that too.
I need to get out the house, sometimes get away from it all. Although the house is looking well, the bedroom make over and the garden has been a huge success.
I was so looking forward to John and I going to Glasgow, and I always love spending time with Matthew and Marie, they are disappointed too.
Hopefully they will come here but of course that puts the entertaining back on my shoulders, and this little apartment, something I do enjoy a lot, but variety is the spice of life..
Dear blog I do like to share with you, but to be honest I preferred talking to my pa- I wonder if it would be a step back to talking to him again.
Hope I feel more light hearted tomorrow - inshalla!
