Darling John....I was about to write to you with the latest news-when I got an email from Lara to say hoe much she enjoyed reading my last email- telling her what I was about to tell you...so below is a chunk of that email....for you.......................
"Quite a lot has happened lately, I have been to Scotland twice this summer ,once to Banavie near Fort William with my sisters, then to Glasgow Edinburgh and Argyll with Andrew and Lucy.
Both trips were wonderful in various ways,and I think if I every won the lottery, I might move back, firstly because it is such a beautiful country, and secondly, all my family are there, still ,I am lucky my four brothers and sisters, their spouses and their children, all gorgeous and different.
The most important event was when we went to Argyll and scattered some of John's ashes at the Rest and be Thankful.
It was a typical August day in Scotland , grey, low cloud, windy and smirnin(g).
Andrew and I agreed we loved the atmosphere of the day as we drove up Loch Lomond Side and Loch Long....but Lucy who had never been there was sorry she could not see anything...Andrew and I could see it in our mind's eye.
When we got to The Rest....I panicked a bit, thought it was the wrong place, a touch of separation anxiety methinks, Andrew was very patient checked the location on the phone, assured me we were in the right place, and so we got out the car, to howling gales and sheets of rain, we decided to go ahead as it meant we were alone, everyone else stayed in their cars or drove on..
We scattered the ashes, towards the old road, but of course due to the weather, some of the ashes came back to us, but mostly they flew free over the rest, John is certainly flying free in Argyll, and who knows how far he has flown in that weather, very liberating, after all those months in Woolton.
It was a combination of sombre ,sad ,happy and hilarious...,of course it was, it is such a bizarre thing to do and there is no protocol, the weather was perfect for the moment.
We then drove into Inveraray caravan park to remember my folks,and my time there with John.
We stood for while at the Loch side on the site, and remembered, then we visited the old cottage my mum was evacuated to during the war.
It was all very poignant - we headed back into Inveraray as I told Andrew and Lucy that John said his major life events were often heralded with a thunder storm or a snow storm...
We hoped to have a picnic on the Pier at Inveraray but it turned out it was a Scottish picnic, which I had told Lucy about, you sit in the car in the pouring rain eating your sandwiches ,windscreen wipers on so you can see the view.
When we got out the car, for a wander around Inveraray, I swear to god this happened, there was a massive flash of lightening then a huge rumble of thunder, followed by the most amazing downpour I have ever seen in 50 years of being in Inveraray...we all just looked at each other....we think John was around making his presence felt..... it was quite a day, when we drove home of course the clouds parted the sun came out, the hills were running with cascading water,we stopped again at The Rest and saw it's amazing beauty, and I know I did the right thing for John....and as it happens me too, I felt liberated too, if emotionally exhausted.
We hired the car for the day,so when we got close to Kintillo Drive in Glasgow,, I asked Andrew to drive down it, my folks home, I have not been for four years, could not face seeing the house without them in it, but it was ok, strange, nothing has changed,I felt if I rang the bell my folks would answer the door.
We had a great family night in Glasgow during the visit, we were able to entertain as we had an apartment, and that was great.
We had the best day in Edinburgh, another emotional day for me as I had never been to Edinburgh without John and he loved the festival.
Andrew and Lucy planned a fab day out for me and I loved every minute of it...I thought of you David and Johnny when I saw all the young hopefuls on the royal mile, handing out their leaflets.
I had a day out in London last week, met my friend Andrea and we went to see high Society..it was wonderful, uplifting, such a happy show and still relevant to day as ever it was....the only moment I cried was when they sang True Love :-( thought of my true love John...but I was ok,,,just a wobble."
Lara's response...
Dearest Helen
I just wanted to briefly say just how beautiful this email was - I loved reading every part. You have a beautiful way with words. Such amazing memories and wonderful terrible moments together.
I know David wants to write and will - but in the interim, this was very special to read.The Scottish picnic, the amazing weather, John all around, in spirit, in the winds, in the rain. He is with us all the way....
Sending so much love and looking forward to our meeting on December 28. I am sorry we are so distant and especially with this distance and these jobs, we are not as in touch as we would like to be - but we think of you lots and Christmas will be just the time to reconnect.
BTW your postcard! It arrived! And actually was pretty quick - it came which we were in holiday in Thailand so perhaps Monday of last week? So really only a couple of weeks! Keep writing, I really want to get back into letters - so you can be my first penfriend ;-)
Kisses, ..........................................
So dear John, that was a day for you in Argyll.....I know you would have loved it...I missed you more there ,I know you would be telling me all kinds of stories and sharing memories about Argyll and Edinburgh too.
I am feeling a bit more energetic at least in my mind..since that holiday...I am putting my head above the parapet and looking forward a wee bit...making plans for when I get back from my travels..to HK Beijing and OZ....thinking abut what is life after all that and without you,my John.
Anita is very seriously ill terminally ill ..I hardly know what to say-- it is too fresh and too shocking... I am asking the big questions....what it is all about? what is life? what is death? are there meanings to any of this..if so will I ever know that meaning?
I love you John that will never change....and I am doing OK,,,,,,it is not so sore and sharp as it was...just occasionally it is.....I cry less too.... which is good as I could just fall apart on the bus..or walking down Bold Street....any time.
I am a bit more in control of my feelings now. I know you will like that...you liked me to be "in charge" and you were lovely when I fell apart too although I think it worried you.
What is the Shakespeare quote? "love is not love ,if changes-- when alteration finds" something like that...you will know.
I have found a big alteration...you have left....and I still love you....
I am so grateful to have know you and been your wife for 28 years at Halloween..
a peom says when the grief calms down and we are no longer separated by it, we can be close again, it is true the awful grief is very isolating....now I feel you are close to me in my heart..at my shoulder..smiling...caring !
I love you. TT xx
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