Hello darling John,
how I miss you, your lovely gentle presence , your warmth laughter , holding hands with you ,hugging you, your smiling face.
I am home now in Liverpool for almost a month, but I am very unsettled, I miss you all over again, I miss Philip ,and David Lara and little Olivia ,who you would love love love.
I miss Susan and the travelling, I miss Libby and Ella and Tom..I was happy to come home,I was dying to see Andrew and Lucy and Sandra and Jackie and seeing them all has been fantastic, but when I say goodbye to them, I feel at a loss, I am not as settled on my own as I was. I think I need some work, that has always given me a purpose full-fill a need to make a difference to be useful.
Maybe I need some more counselling, as my grief for you an dad is very powerful at this moment. I missed Gavin too ,it was very strange not to see him in OZ at Wellman, and travelling .he has always been so much part of my visits to Australia.
I am considering training as a Doula a death doula. I think I would enjoy the training even if I don't use it ,although I would hope it would be a skill I could find a way to use.
I am getting close to Archie and Martha, which gives me joy, as I have always felt close to Kate,Johnny, Felix and Harry and I hope to be a good yaya to little Olivia too.
I think Philip has a job in Taiwan, we will talk tomorrow but his texts indicate this is so.If so I would like to go at Christmas, for a while and maybe on to Shanghai too ,why not if I am there.
I am not sure whether to try to settle here and promote my work, or make plans to travel and see all the children and grandchildren, or spend the summer in Castalla or a few weeks at least. or hide under a duvet.
I wish you were here with me, I would love to have a very long chat with you, get your thoughts on everything.
I would love to visit Ma and Pa in Kintillo ,and take a run up to Inveraray with them. I would have liked to visit with auntie Isa in OZ I miss the old days .I miss the old folks, my grief for you is opening doors to past griefs.I feel a bit overwhelmed by the feelings, I think it is making me feel physically ill I feel a bit queazy fragile and easily hurt.
Susan was talking about the possibility of another relationship, but it shakes me the thought of that, I think a special love like we shared is a rare thing, I don't think you get it twice, I had my beautiful moments with you darling John.
So I will continue to grieve for you and try to feel blessed about what we had.Of course I do but I miss what we had so much right now ,hard to feel grateful, just at this moment.
I love you and I miss you darling John....TT .....Helen
