For my pa !

KAPTAIN'S BLOG

THE WRITINGS AND MUSINGS OF THE KAPTAIN

SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2009

SO MANY DIFFERENT LENGTHS OF TIME, BY BRIAN PATTEN

For my late Dad, on Father’s day.

How long does a man live after all?
A thousand days or only one?
One week or a few centuries?
How long does a man spend living or dying?
And what do we mean when we say: “Gone forever”?

Adrift in such preoccupations, we seek clarification.
We can go to the philosophers
But they will weary of our questions
We can go to the priests and the rabbis
But they might be too busy with administrations.

So, how long does a man live after all?
And how much does he live while he lives?
We fret and ask so many questions -
Then when it comes to us
The answer is so simple, after all.

A man lives for as long as we carry him inside us
For as long as we carry the harvest of his dreams -
For as long as we ourselves live,
Holding memories in common, a man lives.

His lover will carry his man’s scent, his touch:
His children will carry the weight of his love
One friend will carry his arguments
Another will hum his favourite tunes
Another will still share his terrors.

And the days will pass with baffled faces
Then the weeks, then the months
Then there will be a day when no question is asked
And the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
And the puffed faces will calm.

And on that day he will not have ceased
But will have ceased to be separated by death.

How long does a man live after all?
A man lives so many different lengths of time.

for John !

"For You"

Just to look in your eyes again, just to lay in your arms.
Just to be the first one always there for you.
Just to live in your laughter, just to sing in your heart.
Just to be every one of your dreams come true.
Just to sit by your window, just to touch in the night. Just to offer a prayer each day for you.
Just to long for your kisses, just to dream of your sighs.
Just to know that I'd give my life for you.
For you, all the rest of my life, for you, all the rest of my life, for you alone, only for you.

Just to wake up each morning, just to have you by my side.
Just to know that you're never really far away.
Just a reason for living, just to say I adore. Just to know that you're here in my heart to stay.
For you, all the rest of my life, for you, all the rest of my life, for you alone, only for you.
Just the words of a love song, just the beat of my heart.
Just the pledge of my life, my love, for you.

September "our month" we love September.

John is now in Marie Curie dear blog.


I have mixed feelings-grateful for the rest-grateful he is there and getting great care.

Sad when I look at his bed- his bath chair-his "things"

The weekend was a roller coaster of feelings- John being admitted on Thursday- my birthday celebrations on Friday ,so many family here to support me and have fun with me.

Rachel and Adam moving- Andrew and Lucy off to Hong Kong- I felt alone when they all left,alone and sad. But now I have adjusted to the new situation and feel quite content- cancelled work tomorrow in Chester I need time to get my head round what is going on-then I will be able to focus on work.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well ...........and so it is.

all you need is love ?

Hello blog,

'all you need is love'

sometime you need a bit more-love we have .

We need better pain relief- family living closer-a bigger house reliable care........................................

As I type I can smell the aroma from the Christmas cake which is still in the oven.


I find that a re-assuring smell.I love baking at this time of year - it feels right-like making soup-going to the pictures- autumn leaves..........................................................

Tomorrow we go to the Marie Curie to see if John can have a new pain relief regime for the next month-till the chemo starts.If indeed it does start in one months time.

I am hoping for palliative care to be offered as another option.

I feel anxious about being able to take care of John if he is unwell while he is on chemo.

John knows this and knows that I will be asking questions tomorrow about where I am in all this.

We have also talked about what John would like at his funeral service and about where his ashes have to be scattered.Not an easy conversation but we both feel better talking about it.


There is a house meeting tonight- but I will not go -or maybe for half an hour- it is mainly about Rachel and Adam handing over the "books" to Ben and Erangi.

I think I will learn enough from the minutes,

I am grateful that Andrew fixed up the TV and the DVD player . I am enjoying The Good Wife- I have so many options for entertainment now.Lots of DVDs from last Christmas-and films on Netflix- I like a few things on TV. Only Connect- University Challenge- New Tricks-Bake Off.

I loved 'The Village' a few things but not a lot these days-Mostly I listen to Radio 4 Radio 3 and read my Kindle which I love.


All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well................................and so it is.

laughter and tears and happy news

This long journey of John's is taking it's toll on me I have to confess dear blog.

I am finding it more difficult to cope with him being an invalid - I long for time alone-in the house- I enjoyed that when he used to go to London and Cambridge.

I consider booking into Malmaison sometimes; and have lots of baths- lovely bedroom and a bottle of wine with a few movies.

It might help- but it means someone else coming to be with John- folk say they will come.

I think John is calmer when I am around-that is the thing dear blog.

I think he is getting more ill-less able to cope with day to day things- hardly feels like getting up to the loo.He might well need a wheelchair tomorrow at the hospital- if he is able to go- the carer will be able to get one I am sure.

I am suffering form IBS which comes and goes but this time it has been quite bad for over a week- it is not easy to treat I know- and I fake it a bit- I look look ok- can do most things- but when I eat or drink a cuppa in some cases- the shooting pains in my stomach are quite severe-I know it is all related to the strain I am living under.

I so wanted to be a patient nurse for John- but it has been two years since he got ill and before that due to age he has needed more care. I am not able to keep this up, certainly not at the level I did in the beginning)  sometimes I feel I am coming apart at the seams.Then I feel guilty when I do things for myself- not always -but sometimes.

I look forward sometimes- to John's end his death- my future without John- it can be frightening- but it is also quite exciting- what will life be like for me without John.

I already miss the John I married and loved for all those years- our relationship- working together-being together- holidays together- ordinary things- going for a coffee- a night at the cinema theatre- John cooking- making a cuppa pouring me a glass of wine-making me laugh.

We have had a good live and an exceptional relationship and marriage.I miss that already.

I will miss John - but not life as it is now. I don't think I will miss that.Although Susan thinks I might-because death is final you can't have the person back even for a minute- and maybe a minute of this life will seem like a treasured time when it is gone.

I still miss my dear pa-often and feel the loss deeply .I heard "flower of Scotland "being played the other day and just cried and cried , for dad, for Scotland. for John for all the good times.

I am making plans-for The Metaphorical Toolbox -for my own creativity- for breaks with the girls and breaks with the boys. I go for coffee and tea and lunch....but sometimes I just go through the motions- because I know I must put one foot in front of the other- breath in -breath out-but it might be easier to curl up in a ball- hide- bolt the door switch off the phones- stop all the clocks.,

Dear blog I know this is not forever- I know it will end--but I feel out of control-as does John at times- we talk about the end we talk about how we feel-- but by now - it has all been said.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.

Happy news- my dear sister Sandra is coming on Friday :-)