This long journey of John's is taking it's toll on me I have to confess dear blog.
I am finding it more difficult to cope with him being an invalid - I long for time alone-in the house- I enjoyed that when he used to go to London and Cambridge.
I consider booking into Malmaison sometimes; and have lots of baths- lovely bedroom and a bottle of wine with a few movies.
It might help- but it means someone else coming to be with John- folk say they will come.
I think John is calmer when I am around-that is the thing dear blog.
I think he is getting more ill-less able to cope with day to day things- hardly feels like getting up to the loo.He might well need a wheelchair tomorrow at the hospital- if he is able to go- the carer will be able to get one I am sure.
I am suffering form IBS which comes and goes but this time it has been quite bad for over a week- it is not easy to treat I know- and I fake it a bit- I look look ok- can do most things- but when I eat or drink a cuppa in some cases- the shooting pains in my stomach are quite severe-I know it is all related to the strain I am living under.
I so wanted to be a patient nurse for John- but it has been two years since he got ill and before that due to age he has needed more care. I am not able to keep this up, certainly not at the level I did in the beginning) sometimes I feel I am coming apart at the seams.Then I feel guilty when I do things for myself- not always -but sometimes.
I look forward sometimes- to John's end his death- my future without John- it can be frightening- but it is also quite exciting- what will life be like for me without John.
I already miss the John I married and loved for all those years- our relationship- working together-being together- holidays together- ordinary things- going for a coffee- a night at the cinema theatre- John cooking- making a cuppa pouring me a glass of wine-making me laugh.
We have had a good live and an exceptional relationship and marriage.I miss that already.
I will miss John - but not life as it is now. I don't think I will miss that.Although Susan thinks I might-because death is final you can't have the person back even for a minute- and maybe a minute of this life will seem like a treasured time when it is gone.
I still miss my dear pa-often and feel the loss deeply .I heard "flower of Scotland "being played the other day and just cried and cried , for dad, for Scotland. for John for all the good times.
I am making plans-for The Metaphorical Toolbox -for my own creativity- for breaks with the girls and breaks with the boys. I go for coffee and tea and lunch....but sometimes I just go through the motions- because I know I must put one foot in front of the other- breath in -breath out-but it might be easier to curl up in a ball- hide- bolt the door switch off the phones- stop all the clocks.,
Dear blog I know this is not forever- I know it will end--but I feel out of control-as does John at times- we talk about the end we talk about how we feel-- but by now - it has all been said.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.
Happy news- my dear sister Sandra is coming on Friday :-)
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