feeding chickens

Hello darling


I miss you - this morning I was listening to Radio 3 " breakfast" and they were coming from Cornwall- and playing pieces written about the sea- quite lovely - but they startled me by playing Sea Fever sung by John Ireland---I have been left feeling very sad and missing you- how I wish you would appear at the door right now and say "want a wee cup of tea hen?"

In fact Ellie read the poem far better- I did not know it was a song too although many poems are- and of course Leonard Cohen 's is a poet and his songs are poems too-or many are.

I am feeding Brian and Celia's chickens this week- when I go over I remember us sitting in that lovely garden last year about this time- Brian had made a cake for Celia's birthday and we sat in the sunshine -it was really too hot that day- unlike this year- the weather is not so good for summer- I am glad your last summer was a beautiful summer- and we had the garden and the sweet peas- sunflowers- much more colour than this year- my heart is not in it so much this year.

Days like today I want to go to sleep and not wake up- to be with you where ever you are--even if that is simply oblivion.

We were so lucky John we had such a good relationship- we had such a romantic start to our life together and it was exciting-and our working relationship was so good- people still mention it to me -how well we worked together- how obvious it was that we loved each other---- how to folk know what did/do they see?

What am I to do with out you? my life is busy with family friends a little work not too much--and I am enjoying things and looking forward to things...it is just that when all the nice things are over and I come home-- you are not here.I like being on my own though conversely...I don't want anyone else just you-- they only other people I could live with are my sisters-- not need for ceremony- we can just "be" together...a great gift.

I am taking you to Argyll in August to The Rest and be Thankful....I cannot wait any longer I need to scatter your ashes....I will scatter some on our Wedding Anniversary- Halloween- in the park by the place we put our Christmas trees... .then I will have you close to me ... The rest will go to P&J&D and they will have a little of you in their gardens,,,,,like my dad-- you will be every where...

Liz and Phil are coming for dinner tomorrow night with Andrew and Lucy...I have made a rhubarb sponge pudding with rhubarb for a neighbour - using the eggs of the  chickens I am feeding.

I have made a delicious carrot and coriander soup with organic carrots and fresh coriander .

I will harvest my potatoes today- from my potato barrel.....you were here last year went I did that..and the spuds were delicious..

The front door and step have been painted--looks fab-- I have worked hard to get that done-  a combination of my prodding and patience have paid off..

Love you dear John miss you....where are you ?  your loving wife Helen TT xx

Banavie- London- Theatre trips- Family visits.

Dear John

such a long time since I wrote to you here on the Blog.

Of course I have been talking to you in my head- sometimes out loud to your picture-and especially in Banavie Fort William Scotland.

I thought about you almost minute by minute there...dad too. I think of you both when I think of the mountains hills and lochs of our homeland...Scotland.

I was there with Sandra and Jackie we had a fun time and quiet reflective times too.

We enjoyed the Jacobite steam train from Fort William to Mallaig - we went through the most beautiful scenery on that journey I felt moved a lot.
The journey from Queen Street to Fort William is quite stunning too.We are from such a beautful country sometimes we take it for granted- Jackie reminds me most of Pa- she spends as much time there as possible and she plans to buy a beautiful place to live in there sometime in the future-I hope her dream comes true.

We plan a trip to Scotland in August in two weeks today we will be there..Andrew Lucy and I.


We will see as many of the family as possible while we are there.

I am not sure if we will do all we hope to do...family- art- cinema-Inveraray.

I don't have as much energy as A&L but at least we have a lovely apartment-so if I don't feel like joining in everything I can put my feet up and read my book.

I like the siesta times...we had them in Banavie--a time for reflection and rest if not actual sleep.

I miss you John- I missed you in Scotland- I missed you when I got home again- I collected the pictures of your that I had framed..the one you did on the Rocky Mountaineer-- the Rose--- and Corwen stone circle...all nicely done I found them comforting and sad too-- I brought Sam Toft's picture back from Castlenel- and dad's stained glass window- the Irish moon and star stained glass...and the four hearts Penny gave us...all now on the bathroom window ledge.Andrew will come with his drill and help me hang the pictures.

But you are still not here....each thing I do gives me comfort -hope-- then I realise you are still absent--gone--still not here in Liverpool-Castalla- Scotland. It is a dilema  for me-I know you are dead- I was with you -we had that precious time when you left this planet--we were together holding hands- I felt your heart stop-- --yet sometimes- there is a glimmer of hope that I will see you again some how- and as I am think this I know it is crazy thinking---maybe thinking with my heart my feeling- rather than my head rather than with reason.I wish I wish I wish.

Robert and Paul were here in Liverpool this weekend- it was so good to meet Paul see Robert and him together- they like Liverpool and feel sure they will come back.I know you were so happy when you heard about Paul- you would like him I know you would- I gave them one of your Sweet peas pictures... they were touched- I know they will appreciate it. Each of your children will get one on their birthdays or Christmas...but I remember what you said to me dear John--I must remember I have the original :-)
I know though that the folk who have the copies are very grateful  to have something of you.


It is five years to-day since mum died..I have been looking at pictures of her today. I felt sad- we had a difficult relationship- but she was mum- and she gave me life and I am grateful.


I have enjoyed celebrating Andrew's birthday with him and Lucy - we had a grand day out in London- seeing Mousetrap- eating Asian food- hoping on and off tubes- drinking wine - meeting his friends Andy and Clare,,,and travelling 1st class on Virgin.We topped of the evening with gifts and birthday cake at Ullet Road...and a West Wing....Life on Mars.

I miss you during those times too- you would have loved the whole day---well a few years ago you would have-when you had the energy to travel and walk around London.

I enjoyed it all though- the sadness comes in waves- usually after- sometimes during the occasion- it varies.

Time spent with people is a good thing though, I am there and enjoying myself in the present- and that builds up my resilience with my recovery from this heartbreaking loss of you my beloved John.

I saw Anne and Henry recently in Liverpool for a few hours- wonderful-- I see a lot of Patsy and Kev--always a good things for all of us I think---I am going to London soon to spend a day with Andrea... and I see all the young folk a lot..Liz Phil...Maz Manuella...Rachel Adam.Beth..Sarah......all that lovely group of students..who are very supportive and loving.

All this is a wonderful help and support to me......I miss Philip now..at first I did not so much--but as time goes on...I feel aware of his absence too ..although we skype a lot...but it is not the same as giving him hugs and feeling his presence...but he is happy growing learning...all the things we hope for our children.

I love you..I miss you...I am grateful for our lives together--for all we shared...as you said in your poem..for the miracle of our meeting... T T x