feeding chickens

Hello darling


I miss you - this morning I was listening to Radio 3 " breakfast" and they were coming from Cornwall- and playing pieces written about the sea- quite lovely - but they startled me by playing Sea Fever sung by John Ireland---I have been left feeling very sad and missing you- how I wish you would appear at the door right now and say "want a wee cup of tea hen?"

In fact Ellie read the poem far better- I did not know it was a song too although many poems are- and of course Leonard Cohen 's is a poet and his songs are poems too-or many are.

I am feeding Brian and Celia's chickens this week- when I go over I remember us sitting in that lovely garden last year about this time- Brian had made a cake for Celia's birthday and we sat in the sunshine -it was really too hot that day- unlike this year- the weather is not so good for summer- I am glad your last summer was a beautiful summer- and we had the garden and the sweet peas- sunflowers- much more colour than this year- my heart is not in it so much this year.

Days like today I want to go to sleep and not wake up- to be with you where ever you are--even if that is simply oblivion.

We were so lucky John we had such a good relationship- we had such a romantic start to our life together and it was exciting-and our working relationship was so good- people still mention it to me -how well we worked together- how obvious it was that we loved each other---- how to folk know what did/do they see?

What am I to do with out you? my life is busy with family friends a little work not too much--and I am enjoying things and looking forward to things...it is just that when all the nice things are over and I come home-- you are not here.I like being on my own though conversely...I don't want anyone else just you-- they only other people I could live with are my sisters-- not need for ceremony- we can just "be" together...a great gift.

I am taking you to Argyll in August to The Rest and be Thankful....I cannot wait any longer I need to scatter your ashes....I will scatter some on our Wedding Anniversary- Halloween- in the park by the place we put our Christmas trees... .then I will have you close to me ... The rest will go to P&J&D and they will have a little of you in their gardens,,,,,like my dad-- you will be every where...

Liz and Phil are coming for dinner tomorrow night with Andrew and Lucy...I have made a rhubarb sponge pudding with rhubarb for a neighbour - using the eggs of the  chickens I am feeding.

I have made a delicious carrot and coriander soup with organic carrots and fresh coriander .

I will harvest my potatoes today- from my potato barrel.....you were here last year went I did that..and the spuds were delicious..

The front door and step have been painted--looks fab-- I have worked hard to get that done-  a combination of my prodding and patience have paid off..

Love you dear John miss you....where are you ?  your loving wife Helen TT xx