October 4th

Hello darling,

thinking of you today sending love out into the universe and hope it finds you.


We are into October, I got through September and our birthdays and I was ok a little sad as I always will be at your absence ,but i had a wonderful birthday, lots of loving messages from around the world from our children and good friends,; best of all I went with Andrew and Lucy to hear Ode to Joy at the Philharmonic, it was very special, being with A&L ,remembering out time there many years ago, and thinking of how often we listened to this over the years,how we loved it and always shed a tear,at the miuic and the idea of joy to and in the world, perhaps that is why we were sentimental at christmas, the music gives up hope in the turbulent world.As someone once said, "it is not the despair, I can cope with despair it is the hope that I can't cope with"
I saw my counsellor for the last time in September, I will miss her gentle presence, but I no longer need her, and that is progress for me. I realise that I will always love you always miss you, but it is much less gut wrenchingly painful, now, maybe once and a while I am thrown back into that, but mostly I think of you and smile and feel grateful for what we had, still have .

Life is busy, trips to Balloch, Sandra coming here, visits soon to Cambridge to spend Bonfire weekend with Penny Steve and the children. A day trip to London maybe, inshalla, on November 1st to have lunch with Matthew :-)A visit to Glasgow for Wendy's 50th birthday meal!

Courses starting up in late October, Christmas in Castalla and another weekend in Cambridge with A&L for a lovely family visit with Penny and all.

I feel I am expanding now, my/our life became quite small in the last few years small and beautiful, and since you went on your adventure , I have felt ,curled up in a ball inside,to stop the pain, I guess.

Now I feel a little more adventurous, you will be happy for me my darling, I go to concerts ,plays ,cinema,on my own, and day trips too. I have been twice to Blackpool,once on my own, and with Sandra, both times visiting the Tower ballroom, broke me up, the glitter, the couples dancing together some must have been dancing for 60 years, well into their 80's and still dancing, I felt your absence so much on those days. often beautiful experiences are tinged with sadness.

I keep in close touch with all your children as I promised you that I would and want to anyway. I send little gifts regularly to all the grand children. We all talk about you and miss you and laugh.

As do my beloved children I include lovely Lucy in that..we raised  a wee glass of Muscadet to you at Hope Street Hotel , on my birthday ,a place we often went for just the one glass of wine, then home in a cab, that was quite a night out for you,towards the end.Andrew ordered Muscadet  Sevre et Maine-Sur Lie- which you always did, your influence is still very much here in all of us.

I am doing quite well my darling....I am looking towards the future a little these days, maybe I can have a peaceful interesting creative life, with you close in my heart but no longer physically here.

I said out loud the other day" I am John's widow" and I was OK ,amazing, I have raged against that till now. "I am still married to John "was always my petulant retort to the myriad of forms `I had to fill in.

Movement .change ,progress, action,homeostasis balancing, and ALWAYS loving you ,TT XX