Christmas Tree

Joy and Sadness

We had a lovely start to the day, no carers came in at our request, what bliss to have tea in bed!

I picked out a small tree yesterday, small because I have to do it all myself this year and I was not sure I could manage a really big one.

Almost £40 for a tree these days with £5 delivery, but it is worth it for me. I love the real tree and I love our traditions. We usually pick out the tree together, I felt a bit sad going off on my own to choose one. John had great confidence that I would get the right one.

In fact we always fall in love with whatever tree we bring into the house.It is such a presence like a "being" in our midst.

Last night I went out with Lucy to The Philharmonic Hall to see Winter Wonderland, it was such a treat, the concert and being out with Lucy. I feel very lucky that we get on together, so many people find " the in laws" such a trial.

We started at Leaf and had food and wine and a good catch up, the place was buzzing with young glamorous woman in lovely festive outfits , much laughter and high spirits.

Lucy was just as lovely in her jeans and duffle coat, she has youth on her side.

She was so excited when we saw where we were sitting and the festive atmosphere in the hall.

She has not been there since her graduation, I was surprised.She plays two instruments and was in youth orchestra at school. I hope she can go more, I will watch out for some nice concerts.

I could see the whole experience was quite magical for her and that made it special for me, because it is the first time I have been to the Christmas concert without John and was very aware of that, but our evening stood out on it's own as a wonderful shared experience.

Today I brought all the boxes of decorations up from the cellar, they all survived another year.


It took me all day to get lights unfankled, and ornaments cleaned up and it was such a pleasure I love all this .

Last 12th night ,as is my tradition, I wrapped all the decorations up in the gift wrap that came with our gifts last year, and I have all of last years card there too. it is a nice connection from one Christmas to the next.  I love connections and traditions, John does too, he depends on me to make it all happen but he really appreciates what I do.

I baked two cakes and made the  cranberry and walnut and white chocolate fridge cake.

Finally the tree came in pouring rain, and as it always has in this house, it came in the window.

It is a lovely tree smallish but already we love it. We got the red lights up and a few silver decorations just to get is started, I will do more tomorrow in the daylight, and add some white lights eventually. It is an organic thing for me, decorating the tree,  like a garden you are always working on.
By Christmas Day it will be full on Christmas , then gradually I will take a lot of very Christmassy things off and have more white lights than red for new year. On 12th night a last hurrah for Christmas all the red lights and festive decorations back on.
When we had finished, we sat under the tree John with a wee Glen Livet, me with a cup of tea, and some fruit cake. We played " Oh Christmas Tree. It was as ever a special moment, but oh so sad, for me anyway, John seemed genuinely happy thank goodness.

I told him he will always be a huge part of my Christmas rituals, he says I must be joyful, I said I could not promise that, but I would do my best, the rituals without John will be very strange.

Possibly unbearable, yet I  think that even when things are difficult rituals help see you through the tough times even if at first you just go through the motions.

I had hoped Andrew and Lucy might come along to join in , then next year if I am on my own they can help me through them, but that is Ok as maybe it was a good thing that John and I had our special moment just the two of us.

I am reminded of the Dickens quote " It was they best of times, it was the worst of times"

It is a bit like that for me, if I stay in the moment.I am Ok, looking forward is painful, at times.

Of course Christmas brings with it memories of Christmases past, with out parents, grand parents, brothers and sisters, when we were children, when our children were children. Poignant is the only work close to describing the feelings.

I do allow myself to feel them though, the deep sad feelings felt and expressed, make the joy all the more joyful. I like to stay real even if it hurts.

So mr blog, that has been my weekend.

We have a busy week ahead!