Calmer today

I feel much better today. As I type I am enjoying the aroma of my Madeira Cake ( one of dad's favourite cakes) I enjoyed The Wind Rises a beautifully illustrated film. Brave and touching.

I brought some Cava home after the cinema, on a school night too, I really felt I needed a lift, I was so down the last wee while. I have not had a glass of cava since Lucy's birthday.It was good we had a good long chat as we drank it and that was much needed we both felt the better of it, the chat and the cava.

I had a facial with Beth yesterday, pure indulgence, it did me the world of good.
I really loved meeting Lachlan last weekend, he is a little sweetheart, very contented wee soul.

The whole family love him and it is lovely to see Geoff enjoying him too.

Great as always to be with my sisters, always fun to be together. Harry was in good form to which makes a difference to our enjoyment .

Sandra and I went to Lambhill to visit Mum's grave, at least where her ashes are, some of pa's too, he is everywhere :-)

I bought red and dusky pink roses and Sandra and I filled up the flower container at the grave, then we had a wee moment of silence , thinking our own thought of both parents.

Then we went back for my case said goodbye to Harry Fallon and Scott.We got the train to central and had tea and scones in the champagne lounge at The Central Hotel.

We were quite happy saying goodbye as we realised that four weeks that Sunday we would both be sitting on the balcony in castlenel.

Phil had some trouble with his credit card and asked me to post on his new one to a friend who is visiting him at the boat, he gave the bank this address. I have done that. We are cautiously warming up a bit towards each other.
We might go the visit with him in July, Sandra would like to come with us,I hope she does.

Jackie and all the family are going to Toulouse for a week on July 12th.

John looks much better today, he got dressed and we went out for breakfast at Fact this morning, and John had his beard trimmed in Andrew's hairdressers.he enjoys that.

I pottered in Rennie's, which I love too,it was a pleasant morning, and we came home to a lovely clean house.

I have been getting lovely emails from the Inner Child participants.It makes me feel good to know my work makes a difference in people's life.

It is a beautiful day today very warm , people seem happier.

All is well

only good will come of this

everything is happening for my highest good.

and so it is.

Too hard!

Sometimes it is just too hard to play the glad game and be a Pollyanna.

I had a weekend in Glasgow which was all wonderful yet very tiring, I could hardly keep my eyes opened on the journey home.

I came home to John still in bed in and feeling rough with the cold and cough,Monday we had the health visitor, then a call to the doctor, essentially they can't do anything for this , or the sore muscles John has due to the coughing.

I was trying to organise a workshop for Tuesday and cope with John. Frankly it is too much at times.

I have to put deep heat on Johns aches, make up hot water bottles, run baths, wash sheets and PJs every day.

I long for freedom, spontaneity, fun laughter long walks with someone nice, staying out late a weekend in Paris,romance.

I got through the workshop which I loved and I got great feedback from all four participants,and that was good.

But then , no big wheel which we had planned, second time we missed this due to John not feeling up to it, we did not get out for lunch the other day , and we missed the lunch time concert today.

I feel I could scream. I am a free spirit , I hate being restricted, partly why I have settled for less money and working for myself, I HATE having to do thing,s feeling I don't have choices, not real ones anyway.

Sometimes I feel I will go crazy, I feel quite ill at times when I think of what life is like and what the future holds.

Everything revolves around John's needs, and apart from Sandra and Susan, most folk ask" how is John ?"


People think the longer life due to the new meds is great, but I am the one coping with what this means, I and it is often the woman, I giving up my freedom  to make this happen for John and at times I totally resent it.

That is how it is today. Tomorrow will be different, I appreciate the chance to offload onto you blog. glad you are here,you feel like an old friend.

I think I will go to the cinema tonight. and have my hair done tomorrow, maybe a ferry on the Mersey over the weekend.


It is just not the same without a partner who is able and can take responsibility though.

Blog am I a bad person?

I don't think so, these thoughts and feeling are normal. I have counselled so many folk who feel this way, the key is to get the feelings and thoughts out.Then somehow you can keep going.

Everything is as it should be
nothing is as it seems.


Peace to the north
Peace to the south
Peace to the east
peace to the west
peace be without
peace be within

peace peace peace.

unsettled

This last week since John came back from London has been hard.

He has had a very bad cold,and been in a bit more pain , back to taking the morphine, just a little.

I feel a combination of worry, fear, irritation ,due to the extra demands made on me. It tires me

being a Pollyanna , keeping the old pecker up, keeping the flat fresh and clean, the endless washing of the bedding and pyjamas. Medicine times to be remembered, medicine around in the kitchen, chair in the bath. When John was in London I lived very simply and the whole five days there was hardly a thing out of place, and just a little bit of underwear to wash through.

I hear on the radio the terrible cost of care of the elderly, yet when you are a carer it is hardly acknowledged, certainly not paid for. I feel the strain on the finances, as well as my energy levels.

All the trips to London, taxi's around Liverpool, trips away for me to a have a break.All has to be paid for , and of course I earn very  little nowadays.

I wish life was different, I would like to be looked after they way I used to be, but this is not going to happen again. I am the carer now. John seems much more dependant - which is quite usual, people who are elderly, ill, been in hospital, become dependant on doctors nurses, carers, family, wives, husbands, children,and so on.

Sometimes I feel trapped, I know I am not, I have choices, I guess, but they don't feel like real choices, I can't just run away, don't really want to to be honest, but if I did, I couldn't.

The oncologist said to John that from now on, even if there were new symptoms they would not treat them with radio therapy any more, I was quite shocked by this yet expected it at the same time.

I am feeling a bit fragile, not sure what is next, keep making plans and hoping they will come to fruition.

I am very tired too. I have started to have counselling, which is helpful, and more massage too.

Getting some work done in the house while we are away in June, and the garden too.

Hoping this will be good for me as well as John. I am not sure what I really want from my life at this stage, difficult to address this big question I feel my life is on pause for now.

I have to get up every morning breath in breath out, put one foot in front of the other.

Onwards and upwards.