unsettled

This last week since John came back from London has been hard.

He has had a very bad cold,and been in a bit more pain , back to taking the morphine, just a little.

I feel a combination of worry, fear, irritation ,due to the extra demands made on me. It tires me

being a Pollyanna , keeping the old pecker up, keeping the flat fresh and clean, the endless washing of the bedding and pyjamas. Medicine times to be remembered, medicine around in the kitchen, chair in the bath. When John was in London I lived very simply and the whole five days there was hardly a thing out of place, and just a little bit of underwear to wash through.

I hear on the radio the terrible cost of care of the elderly, yet when you are a carer it is hardly acknowledged, certainly not paid for. I feel the strain on the finances, as well as my energy levels.

All the trips to London, taxi's around Liverpool, trips away for me to a have a break.All has to be paid for , and of course I earn very  little nowadays.

I wish life was different, I would like to be looked after they way I used to be, but this is not going to happen again. I am the carer now. John seems much more dependant - which is quite usual, people who are elderly, ill, been in hospital, become dependant on doctors nurses, carers, family, wives, husbands, children,and so on.

Sometimes I feel trapped, I know I am not, I have choices, I guess, but they don't feel like real choices, I can't just run away, don't really want to to be honest, but if I did, I couldn't.

The oncologist said to John that from now on, even if there were new symptoms they would not treat them with radio therapy any more, I was quite shocked by this yet expected it at the same time.

I am feeling a bit fragile, not sure what is next, keep making plans and hoping they will come to fruition.

I am very tired too. I have started to have counselling, which is helpful, and more massage too.

Getting some work done in the house while we are away in June, and the garden too.

Hoping this will be good for me as well as John. I am not sure what I really want from my life at this stage, difficult to address this big question I feel my life is on pause for now.

I have to get up every morning breath in breath out, put one foot in front of the other.

Onwards and upwards.