Too hard!

Sometimes it is just too hard to play the glad game and be a Pollyanna.

I had a weekend in Glasgow which was all wonderful yet very tiring, I could hardly keep my eyes opened on the journey home.

I came home to John still in bed in and feeling rough with the cold and cough,Monday we had the health visitor, then a call to the doctor, essentially they can't do anything for this , or the sore muscles John has due to the coughing.

I was trying to organise a workshop for Tuesday and cope with John. Frankly it is too much at times.

I have to put deep heat on Johns aches, make up hot water bottles, run baths, wash sheets and PJs every day.

I long for freedom, spontaneity, fun laughter long walks with someone nice, staying out late a weekend in Paris,romance.

I got through the workshop which I loved and I got great feedback from all four participants,and that was good.

But then , no big wheel which we had planned, second time we missed this due to John not feeling up to it, we did not get out for lunch the other day , and we missed the lunch time concert today.

I feel I could scream. I am a free spirit , I hate being restricted, partly why I have settled for less money and working for myself, I HATE having to do thing,s feeling I don't have choices, not real ones anyway.

Sometimes I feel I will go crazy, I feel quite ill at times when I think of what life is like and what the future holds.

Everything revolves around John's needs, and apart from Sandra and Susan, most folk ask" how is John ?"


People think the longer life due to the new meds is great, but I am the one coping with what this means, I and it is often the woman, I giving up my freedom  to make this happen for John and at times I totally resent it.

That is how it is today. Tomorrow will be different, I appreciate the chance to offload onto you blog. glad you are here,you feel like an old friend.

I think I will go to the cinema tonight. and have my hair done tomorrow, maybe a ferry on the Mersey over the weekend.


It is just not the same without a partner who is able and can take responsibility though.

Blog am I a bad person?

I don't think so, these thoughts and feeling are normal. I have counselled so many folk who feel this way, the key is to get the feelings and thoughts out.Then somehow you can keep going.

Everything is as it should be
nothing is as it seems.


Peace to the north
Peace to the south
Peace to the east
peace to the west
peace be without
peace be within

peace peace peace.