Dear John
how I miss you- today I have been so sad- I am going to Stratford with Andrew and Philip for our mums and sons -we are going to see Oppenheimer -It is getting good reviews.
I know how much you would have enjoyed this trip I think that is why I have been feeling so sad.
I went for a long walk in Sefton Park and the skies were blue and it was very cold- weather I love- it helped me feel better..
Shell have finally got the pension sorted out -I will get some money- the new pension rate- on February 1st. We have not had anything since December 1st- so it will be good to have some money coming in- the state pension has not been sorted yet- but it will be in time- I just need to be patient.
I must go and get ready Andrew will be here in an hour....we will raise a glass to you at the Dirty Duck tonight....this is the official end of my January dryathon- although it is not the end of the month- it is for me--- I did drink wine on the night after your funeral-- but apart from that I have been a good girl-- you never really got me doing that..but you did admire my ability to do it-- giving up cakes is much harder for me...love you..my beloved John....xxx
Friday, 30 January 2015
Wednesday, 14 January 2015
Reflections on John's farewell.
Dear John
I miss you -I cry a lot- I am glad that you are at peace now.
Your funeral was a wonderful celebration of your life. Sandra and Jackie came the day before and we went to Penny and Johnny's rented house on Menlove Avenue that evening for supper " Grandpa's Tuna"
It was a lovey time we all drew comfort from each other- and Penny was using humour to get through it and to keep us all going. She said that she was channelling you-maybe she was.
I know I will not see you again- but I wish I could-it does not matter how many last hugs we have, last looks, last chats- you still want more.
We all gathered here on the morning of your funeral- Sandra Jackie and I were here- then Harry arrived- Julie Raph, Geoff -Andrew Lucy Philip- Penny David Johnny - Lara Lucy.
It was an anxious time waiting for you and the limousine to arrive.The Collins's left first- then we waited- chatted- I was sent a lot of flowers and I bought some simple yellow tulips and beeswax candles.I decorated the place for you coming back for the last time- the way you like it- I put a table in the hall- with the tulips and candles on it-put some favourite pictures of you out and had flowers and candles around the place- you would have loved it.
Then you arrived- Lara and Lucy left next- then I came out with Penny the undertaker Laurence,was waiting ,umbrella up,it had started to rain. We went into the big car Andrew sat next to us ,Philip and David in front of us- Johnny with the driver.
Laurence walked slowly in front of the car- and we moved slowly up Ullet Road-it was very moving-
We all felt a bit anxious and emotional I sat up to see your coffin in the hearse in front- it was ok emotional but ok- I could see you in my minds eye with you travelling cloths- red check shirt- blue Grey trousers- brown cardigan and cord jacket- brown John Lewis espadrilles and my secret photos and love letter in your pocket.
We arrived at the Crem and we thought that the piper was not there- but after a bit of confusion- he was there- eventually we all moved forward and I got out the car- and saw Claire Murphy standing there- then I found Sandra and Jackie and hugged my brothers and their families- my sisters took me in hand- then the pipes started up-Penny Lucy David Johnny Andrew and Philip took you in-to the Piper, Robert Walters, playing The Dark Island-it was heartbreaking and beautiful too.
Bill Dawson welcomed everyone.
Ellie said your favourite poem - Sea Fever by John Macefield.
She was wonderful you chose well ,Ellie and the Poem.
Bill talked a bit about your life and people were touched and surprised- few folk know that you had been a priest.
Liz sang my song for you- Days - she was so good in spite of her own heartache.( Phil her husband introduced her)
Then the children all talked about you- apart from Philip, who, like me ,was too devastated we sat together and held on to each other- so he had an important role caring for me.
Each child said so much each -had put their hearts and souls into their talk about their relationships with you-you would have been touched and amazed about what Andrew said- so open and honest about the tough journey to the love that you two shared.
Johnny was stunning he imagined a person coming into the Loch Fyne and meeting you as the barman , Just beautiful and thoughtful.
David talked with great difficulty about his memories of you and the visit to Stockholm- and the famous Toblerone story.
Penny was amazing- composed funny moving- telling a few jokes- and of course sharing her deep love for you.She talked about the coat and shoes story which you told her often.
We than had some time of reflection in silence.I had a million memories of you and I flooding in on me, our first meeting , our love affair which lasted 30 years- and beyond- our enjoyment of working together- living together- being with the children, watching them grow up- well.
Out various homes in different countries, our love of Liverpool - the theatre- cinema- a wee glass of wine at 7.00 PM and a catch up on the day--and regular cups of tea.
Then Kevin- read my poem choice for all who you left behind- So Many Different Lengths of Tome-by Brian Patten. he was wonderful introduced it so well-he loved you too.
Then The Piper took us away from you playing A Rowan Tree- my choice as we loved that tree-we planted a few in our time- and it reminded you of your dear dad.
Then it was finished- a grand farewell you you my beloved husband.
Lots of people met us out side- there were lots of hugs and tears- our neighbours were there- the Artist's way group- many Collins and Lightbody's so many of our friends.
Back at the Cricket club- " Maz and Manuella" with the help of the "artist's way group" put on a spectacular spread- the table was beautifully decorated with pictures of you , fairy lights, Winnie the Pooh balloons and napkins. They had a big Carrot cake with a little notice announcing John's Favourite cake- and much much more.
After food and tea and for many drinks from the bar.We had the slide show- while listening to A Fond Kiss-- it was beautiful and heartbreaking, The children all shrieking with delight when a picture of them came on the screen. ( Philip organised the screen -Andrew the slide show)
Penny introduced the whole thing and read your love poem to me from you.
Johnny thanked people and had made up a playlist which continued to play over the next few hours.
I was taken aback when " you are my sunshine "came on - I sang that song for you on your 60th birthday and it became on of "our songs"Ellie offered to take it off- but no I was ok- upset but ok.
Robert Jenny and Anne travelled there and back in one day- it was lovely to see them.
Matthew Marie Greg also travelled here and back on the same day, as did Gary and Wendy.
Geoff and Harry Raph did that too,
Sandra and Julie travelled on to London.
A big surprise was that Bill and Irene- my mum and dad's neighbours- came to be with us-they also did it in one day. You and Bill shared a few glasses of red wine together-and some lovely curry.
There will be folk I did not see who came- I know Ellie's mum Rose and Richard ,a man you thought highly off were there but I did not see them.
I sat with Maz and Manuella for a while and the children came over to join us then Liz and Phil..
We drank some wine- and talked about the day and about memories of you,
In the end- Andrew Lucy Philip Liz and Phil and I came back here- with left over sandwiches samosas and cakes-Maz and Manuella went home after dropping me off.
We then drank too much wine played some Neil Diamond and Elvis and danced the night away- you would have approved.
In the morning Philip and I went to Menlove to have coffee with Johnny Penny and co-said a fond farewell- they took some left over samosa and sandwich's and cake from cricket club food.
Then we picked up Andrew and Lucy in our cab from Menlove- and went to Hope Street hotel to wave David and Lara off-we had coffee more memories- then they were gone.
Andrew Lucy Philip and I then went to Leaf for some lunch - in fact we all have all day breakfast.
Philip came back with me -we had siesta's-- Philip cooked- we had a very quiet night watched a movie- and had an early night.
So my love my dear beloved husband- I like to think you would have loved being part of it all.
since then I am trying to process all that has happened- recently-since you became ill- and our life together.
I remember many years ago-when we loved the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy- we said" an appropriate farewell from me to you , because you cooked some many lovely fish over the years'
"So long and thank for all the Fish" Helen -your every loving wife !
I miss you -I cry a lot- I am glad that you are at peace now.
Your funeral was a wonderful celebration of your life. Sandra and Jackie came the day before and we went to Penny and Johnny's rented house on Menlove Avenue that evening for supper " Grandpa's Tuna"
It was a lovey time we all drew comfort from each other- and Penny was using humour to get through it and to keep us all going. She said that she was channelling you-maybe she was.
I know I will not see you again- but I wish I could-it does not matter how many last hugs we have, last looks, last chats- you still want more.
We all gathered here on the morning of your funeral- Sandra Jackie and I were here- then Harry arrived- Julie Raph, Geoff -Andrew Lucy Philip- Penny David Johnny - Lara Lucy.
It was an anxious time waiting for you and the limousine to arrive.The Collins's left first- then we waited- chatted- I was sent a lot of flowers and I bought some simple yellow tulips and beeswax candles.I decorated the place for you coming back for the last time- the way you like it- I put a table in the hall- with the tulips and candles on it-put some favourite pictures of you out and had flowers and candles around the place- you would have loved it.
Then you arrived- Lara and Lucy left next- then I came out with Penny the undertaker Laurence,was waiting ,umbrella up,it had started to rain. We went into the big car Andrew sat next to us ,Philip and David in front of us- Johnny with the driver.
Laurence walked slowly in front of the car- and we moved slowly up Ullet Road-it was very moving-
We all felt a bit anxious and emotional I sat up to see your coffin in the hearse in front- it was ok emotional but ok- I could see you in my minds eye with you travelling cloths- red check shirt- blue Grey trousers- brown cardigan and cord jacket- brown John Lewis espadrilles and my secret photos and love letter in your pocket.
We arrived at the Crem and we thought that the piper was not there- but after a bit of confusion- he was there- eventually we all moved forward and I got out the car- and saw Claire Murphy standing there- then I found Sandra and Jackie and hugged my brothers and their families- my sisters took me in hand- then the pipes started up-Penny Lucy David Johnny Andrew and Philip took you in-to the Piper, Robert Walters, playing The Dark Island-it was heartbreaking and beautiful too.
Bill Dawson welcomed everyone.
Ellie said your favourite poem - Sea Fever by John Macefield.
She was wonderful you chose well ,Ellie and the Poem.
Bill talked a bit about your life and people were touched and surprised- few folk know that you had been a priest.
Liz sang my song for you- Days - she was so good in spite of her own heartache.( Phil her husband introduced her)
Then the children all talked about you- apart from Philip, who, like me ,was too devastated we sat together and held on to each other- so he had an important role caring for me.
Each child said so much each -had put their hearts and souls into their talk about their relationships with you-you would have been touched and amazed about what Andrew said- so open and honest about the tough journey to the love that you two shared.
Johnny was stunning he imagined a person coming into the Loch Fyne and meeting you as the barman , Just beautiful and thoughtful.
David talked with great difficulty about his memories of you and the visit to Stockholm- and the famous Toblerone story.
Penny was amazing- composed funny moving- telling a few jokes- and of course sharing her deep love for you.She talked about the coat and shoes story which you told her often.
We than had some time of reflection in silence.I had a million memories of you and I flooding in on me, our first meeting , our love affair which lasted 30 years- and beyond- our enjoyment of working together- living together- being with the children, watching them grow up- well.
Out various homes in different countries, our love of Liverpool - the theatre- cinema- a wee glass of wine at 7.00 PM and a catch up on the day--and regular cups of tea.
Then Kevin- read my poem choice for all who you left behind- So Many Different Lengths of Tome-by Brian Patten. he was wonderful introduced it so well-he loved you too.
Then The Piper took us away from you playing A Rowan Tree- my choice as we loved that tree-we planted a few in our time- and it reminded you of your dear dad.
Then it was finished- a grand farewell you you my beloved husband.
Lots of people met us out side- there were lots of hugs and tears- our neighbours were there- the Artist's way group- many Collins and Lightbody's so many of our friends.
Back at the Cricket club- " Maz and Manuella" with the help of the "artist's way group" put on a spectacular spread- the table was beautifully decorated with pictures of you , fairy lights, Winnie the Pooh balloons and napkins. They had a big Carrot cake with a little notice announcing John's Favourite cake- and much much more.
After food and tea and for many drinks from the bar.We had the slide show- while listening to A Fond Kiss-- it was beautiful and heartbreaking, The children all shrieking with delight when a picture of them came on the screen. ( Philip organised the screen -Andrew the slide show)
Penny introduced the whole thing and read your love poem to me from you.
Johnny thanked people and had made up a playlist which continued to play over the next few hours.
I was taken aback when " you are my sunshine "came on - I sang that song for you on your 60th birthday and it became on of "our songs"Ellie offered to take it off- but no I was ok- upset but ok.
Robert Jenny and Anne travelled there and back in one day- it was lovely to see them.
Matthew Marie Greg also travelled here and back on the same day, as did Gary and Wendy.
Geoff and Harry Raph did that too,
Sandra and Julie travelled on to London.
A big surprise was that Bill and Irene- my mum and dad's neighbours- came to be with us-they also did it in one day. You and Bill shared a few glasses of red wine together-and some lovely curry.
There will be folk I did not see who came- I know Ellie's mum Rose and Richard ,a man you thought highly off were there but I did not see them.
I sat with Maz and Manuella for a while and the children came over to join us then Liz and Phil..
We drank some wine- and talked about the day and about memories of you,
In the end- Andrew Lucy Philip Liz and Phil and I came back here- with left over sandwiches samosas and cakes-Maz and Manuella went home after dropping me off.
We then drank too much wine played some Neil Diamond and Elvis and danced the night away- you would have approved.
In the morning Philip and I went to Menlove to have coffee with Johnny Penny and co-said a fond farewell- they took some left over samosa and sandwich's and cake from cricket club food.
Then we picked up Andrew and Lucy in our cab from Menlove- and went to Hope Street hotel to wave David and Lara off-we had coffee more memories- then they were gone.
Andrew Lucy Philip and I then went to Leaf for some lunch - in fact we all have all day breakfast.
Philip came back with me -we had siesta's-- Philip cooked- we had a very quiet night watched a movie- and had an early night.
So my love my dear beloved husband- I like to think you would have loved being part of it all.
since then I am trying to process all that has happened- recently-since you became ill- and our life together.
I remember many years ago-when we loved the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy- we said" an appropriate farewell from me to you , because you cooked some many lovely fish over the years'
"So long and thank for all the Fish" Helen -your every loving wife !
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Flowers ordered- feeling sad.
Dear John
I ordered your flowers- daffodils-white carnations- some thistles-and lots of green. "A promise of Spring" it will be diamond shaped- because it is what they do- I decided to trust that is will lovely and we would like it.
Johnny and Penny are busy with your funeral arrangements- and packing to travel tomorrow-Andrew has taken today off work- to calm down a bit- from the stress of all he is doing for us- so he will go for a run- have his beard trimmed- " a gift from Philip for his Christmas' you go to a posh barber in Liverpool One and are treated like a king for half an hour- you would have loved it.
The I am meeting him for lunch- although I don't feel like eating- I will go it will do me good to get out.
Then he is working on your slide show. I think your funeral will be a beautiful event- so much love and thought has gone into it.
I am scared though- I feel overwhelmed- and I know it is such an important day-the last public farewell- we had our time at Marie Curie my precious memories of our last few hours together- are good memories- I felt calm and you were too.
The funeral stirs up so many feelings so much emotion- and that is why I am overwhelmed and actually feel quite ill...but I know it is all quite natural to feel this way..so I am normal..
I miss you my beloved John- if it is possible for your spirit to be with us on the day to see us though this time- that would be wonderful..your loving wife Helen x
I ordered your flowers- daffodils-white carnations- some thistles-and lots of green. "A promise of Spring" it will be diamond shaped- because it is what they do- I decided to trust that is will lovely and we would like it.
Johnny and Penny are busy with your funeral arrangements- and packing to travel tomorrow-Andrew has taken today off work- to calm down a bit- from the stress of all he is doing for us- so he will go for a run- have his beard trimmed- " a gift from Philip for his Christmas' you go to a posh barber in Liverpool One and are treated like a king for half an hour- you would have loved it.
The I am meeting him for lunch- although I don't feel like eating- I will go it will do me good to get out.
Then he is working on your slide show. I think your funeral will be a beautiful event- so much love and thought has gone into it.
I am scared though- I feel overwhelmed- and I know it is such an important day-the last public farewell- we had our time at Marie Curie my precious memories of our last few hours together- are good memories- I felt calm and you were too.
The funeral stirs up so many feelings so much emotion- and that is why I am overwhelmed and actually feel quite ill...but I know it is all quite natural to feel this way..so I am normal..
I miss you my beloved John- if it is possible for your spirit to be with us on the day to see us though this time- that would be wonderful..your loving wife Helen x
Monday, 5 January 2015
Tree down to-day- chat with John !
Dear John
I miss you so much- everything reminds me of you- especially the Christmas rituals -to-day we would normally pack everything away then go and find a bunch of daffodils- probably Tesco or Asda-a promise of springtime.
I am to buy some flowers for your coffin- but I want simplicity which you and I both appreciate- and flower shops offer set bouquets which I don't like so much.
I know I will have to be at your funeral dear John-and if it was just you and me I would be OK-- but this is so public- so many people the idea makes me feels shaky and scared.
I will tell you all about it afterwards..Johnny and Penny and David and their families are all arriving in Liverpool on Thursday - Johnny Penny and the gang are staying in Menlove Avenue as ever- and David and Lara in Hope Street Hotel -I think.
Sandra and Jackie are coming on Thursday to be with me- I am so grateful- we will go to Menlove to be with all the children for a few hours on Thursday night- it will be nice for my sisters to meet with your gang before the funeral.Andrew Philip and Lucy will all be there too.
They have all been stars-Andrew has done so much , he lives closest and he is happy to help.
They have all been fantastic...
I love my sweet peas picture my love- and my poem- finally after 27 years- you wrote me a poem- and it was worth waiting for...I love you dear John and miss you so much-can't imagine my life without you- so I take your advice and just live 15 minutes at a time.
Today the sun is shining and we have bright blue skies- and of course it is freezing cold. I am about to go for a walk in the park-hoping it will calm me down- I have been waiting in for the funeral director to come to collect your cloths - I picked out what I though that you would like- and a put my quarts crystal in your pocket- and one of my favourite photos of us on our wedding- us on the Mersey ferry kissing....and Patsy throwing confetti over us-such a happy day.The beginning of a wonderful adventure..
Blessings on your heart dear John.
Please give me strength to get through this- I always gained strength from you and felt so safe with you- no wonder I feel shaky .
I miss you so much- everything reminds me of you- especially the Christmas rituals -to-day we would normally pack everything away then go and find a bunch of daffodils- probably Tesco or Asda-a promise of springtime.
I am to buy some flowers for your coffin- but I want simplicity which you and I both appreciate- and flower shops offer set bouquets which I don't like so much.
I know I will have to be at your funeral dear John-and if it was just you and me I would be OK-- but this is so public- so many people the idea makes me feels shaky and scared.
I will tell you all about it afterwards..Johnny and Penny and David and their families are all arriving in Liverpool on Thursday - Johnny Penny and the gang are staying in Menlove Avenue as ever- and David and Lara in Hope Street Hotel -I think.
Sandra and Jackie are coming on Thursday to be with me- I am so grateful- we will go to Menlove to be with all the children for a few hours on Thursday night- it will be nice for my sisters to meet with your gang before the funeral.Andrew Philip and Lucy will all be there too.
They have all been stars-Andrew has done so much , he lives closest and he is happy to help.
They have all been fantastic...
I love my sweet peas picture my love- and my poem- finally after 27 years- you wrote me a poem- and it was worth waiting for...I love you dear John and miss you so much-can't imagine my life without you- so I take your advice and just live 15 minutes at a time.
Today the sun is shining and we have bright blue skies- and of course it is freezing cold. I am about to go for a walk in the park-hoping it will calm me down- I have been waiting in for the funeral director to come to collect your cloths - I picked out what I though that you would like- and a put my quarts crystal in your pocket- and one of my favourite photos of us on our wedding- us on the Mersey ferry kissing....and Patsy throwing confetti over us-such a happy day.The beginning of a wonderful adventure..
Blessings on your heart dear John.
Please give me strength to get through this- I always gained strength from you and felt so safe with you- no wonder I feel shaky .
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