Hello darling-
I am back in Liverpool once again.
I had a very mixed time away from here-Glasgow went well- Fallon is a wee star quite hyper - but obviously very capable and able to focus when she is studying and working- I think she winds down by all the chatter and she feels safe at Sandra's she did our nails for us the night before we left.it is lovely to see here and Scott together so young and in love.
H -had a freak out night the night before we left---poor Sandra was so tired when we went to the airport--he just loses it and says awful things- I think he was jealous that we were downstairs with Fallon and Scott--and that we were heading off---but who really know why he is like that...I don't like having to be " nice" to him all the time-but it is the way to be with Sandra so needs must--- he has to be right all the time- his views on politics-on Scotland- on football he is very negative- drains my energy this kind of behaviour.It is as if no one else has needs or opinions.
Our flight was ok- we had a a few groups of hens and stags-- scary ...we decided to hide - but were sat beside a woman who wanted to talk all the time - her behaviour was dis-inhibited she was travelling alone and harmless really!But after the night Sandra had had- we needed some peace.
Frank was there to meet us his happy handsome face - I cried when I saw him- so strange to be travelling without you- even though that was hard for you- for both of us to be honest- the wheel chair -your discomfort- the fuss- but we were together my love and that is what I missed- not the hard stuff- your presence beside me.
Castlenel and Castalla were a welcome sight-- I was very upset when we got to the house- just cried and cried- your room had a feeling of absence-I was more aware of your absence especially in Seoidin- but all through the house- every room every object had a story a memory- of our shared lives our history.
Sandra was great- she is a wonderful distraction- always a wee story to tell-but she was sad too.
We talked a lot about you and our shared time in Castalla together- happy memories-if still painful.
All the neighbours were kind loving caring- and sad too.I miss you for so much- but over there for your Spanish - you talked to the neighbours interpreted them to me and me to them
Your room felt very strange without you in it- I did some work on your things- but I could not be in there looking at your things for too long- too painful.
I brought the Corwen Stones Circle painting home to be re framed- and the picture your did on the rocky mountaineer- and I found the beautiful little rose in the book too-It started me howling again- you always did roses for me- roses and romance went together for you. I also brought the two little books Nina gave us when she left Seven Sisters- roses for me and tartans for you- I had put the rose you bought be in Gerona many years ago in the rose book- and a beautiful poem that you wrote for me a long time ago- about irises and sunflowers- they had such meaning for us in our early days-on holiday in France in the sunshine very much in love.
Castlenel was much improved with the new utility room- the new kitchen sink- and the new boiler-- so much needed and a bit boring compared to roses and irises.
" you start off sinking into his arms- and end up with your arms in the sink" who said that?
you were well aware of that my love and did so much to keep romance alive with flowers- poetry -wine ! I love you for that.
I remember when we were first at the farm I was in a tizz about how much housework had to be done-- you said sit down we will light a candle and then we won't see the dust---and you poured me a glass of wine.
A young friend who had never met you but heard me tell that story - sent me a text a few months ago- saying she had managed to stop herself doing house work by remembering me telling her that story- she lit a candle and sat down with a cup of tea- so my darling you are still spreading your benign influence.
Brian and Celia loved Castlenel and Castalla- are even considering buying a house over there.
They were good visitors- I was not too well while they were there a tummy bug- and gut wrenching grief...but they were able to accept this in me- and go out and about and enjoy the place and come back in with their stories of the outside world.
I enjoyed the last few days on my own before Phil came- that is when i did most of the work in your room---I was shattered with all the crying and it was good not to have to worry about visitors.
P's visit was OK- we managed to be together for a few days without a fight-- mostly I channelled your patience and understanding--it was a bit like the start of the holiday with H--as long as you agree with him- and do things his way-- everything is fine-- just don't talk about your life your needs---I notice when I did-- P had no idea how to respond- I am pretty sure he heard- but he has no way of acknowledging this- he just changes the subject- or checks his facebook!
He was ok though when I cried- he just left a space for me to do that--and at the beginning -he did say it was understandable - he does his best-- and I gave him a list when he arrived of things that needed done which i could not manage by myself- and he did get on with that- and in the end between us we got the chandelier cleaned...it now looks great and sparklie.
I would like to get the smaller version of that chandelier for the hall on the next floor-remember we said we would- but never did...
So I am back in Ullet Road- I left Castlenel aware of your absence and came back to Ullet Road to find you absent from here too.....it is so hard- and sometimes I think- it would be wonderful to go to sleep and never waked up again- to be with you where ever you are....
I am aware enough to know this will pass- it is only six months since you died my John....there are good things in life--- Andrew Lucy---all the children- friends my family in Scotland---your family in Scotland....as I say often--- I have lots of people to do things with.....what I miss is someone ( you) to do nothing with....I missed that especially in Castlenel....we had such a good routine over there-- we knew what we were supposed to be doing by what time it was ....love you my darling...miss you so much....Helen TT xx
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