lots of things on my mind!

Darling John

I am so tired, I think I have reached the apathy stage of grief, I am simply tired and my energy levels are very low.

I made arrangements to see people this week for coffee and lunches, assuming I would have recovered from the busyness of the festive season, but I look at my diary for this week and my heart sinks, I have arranged to see Beth and Jenny, who I  have just cancelled, for today. Patsy Kev, Andrea, Philip C...I am hoping lying low today will allow me to see all the above.

David is so encouraging about me going to HK but really the idea makes my shoulders droop.I must be tired, I would normally love the idea of travelling and seeing folk, especially David.

Philip MAY be coming home in May, just maybe, if that happens,I will definitely stay put.

I just need a year of normality and peace, the last few years were very hard when mum dad and then you were all ill needing attending and then all the deaths of three of the most important people in my life. This last year of grieving was emotionally exhausting and physically too - I kept going said yes to everything, a lot of travelling, and one thing I know, being a couple means when you are with folk one of you can have a rest, when you are on your own, there is a lot of focus on you and it is a lot more work, I am finding people tiring even the folk I love and am close too.

I miss Anita I did not have to make such an effort with her,she was a rock a great friend and my mentor. I am only starting to realise she is gone.and I miss her

I like being with Andrew , he is easy company and helpful too, he helped me with the tv licence and the driving licence, I now have to do everything on my own and it is lovely to have someone giving a hand, with some things. He also sorted out the answering machine, long story, suffice to say, I now have a working machine,thanks to him.

I have booked to go to the Phil to see Vieux Farcia Toure on Friday night, Breabach ,Scottish violinists on February 26th and to see two plays one at the Playhouse on March 5th A Raison in the Sun and one at the Everyman Unsung on March 10th and I might be going to see the Herbal Bed with Andrew and Lucy on March 11th,have not got tickets yet.We would definitely have gone to see this one it is about Shakespeare's daughter..  Let's hope I have rallied by the time they are all on.
I think my two groups are taking more out of me that I realise, I love them but I do feel tired after them I spend the whole day planning the course, making handouts thinking up exercises, and of course baking cakes..that;s twice a week, and although it seems effortless, as you well know making it safe and relaxed is a skill and work.


I will soon be starting my writing, Feb 1st is the date in my diary, I want to write some short stories about you Grandpa for the grand children, and my book, what ever it turns out to be
" The Have Turned My Grannie's Kitchen Into A Gent's toilet" a possible title.

I have started a little but I will be serious from 1/2..however if this tiredness keeps up I will delay the start date, life is too short to put pressure on myself.

I will be 68 this year, and I feel myself changing, my body is changing my energy levels are changing, " A woman's Journey"what our poor bodies go through in a life time.


The children don't like me saying " if I am spared" or "when I am not here "but it is realistic look at David Bowie and Alan Rickman both in my age group.

I have had "give while you live"  all five have something of mine and a lot of your things.

They have your book and each of them have your Bold Street Research and you Sweet peas.

I think Andrew will be the one to have to sort things out here when I go, or should I say come to you, (I wish) I downsize all the time, I hope I have left the apartment nicer than we found it for Philip, and the new things can be shared out or sent to a charity shop who knows.

I seem to have accumulated more jewellery since I gave a lot away...but nothing of value just sentimental.

I have a pink folder with a lot of banking information for Andrew to deal with when the time comes. I leave it out by the PC when I go travelling, it probably needs updated, as thing do.

I am glad you did not have all this to deal with , for me as I am the last one and on my own I feel it is important to leave things well, it is ever changing of course. Luckily there is no house or large amounts on money- just personal things- but I see how important they are to the Collins family and the Lightbody family . My two still have both parents, they have not had all that to deal with; they have some experience as they were close to me when you died and have been aware of what went on after ma and pa died. Especially Andrew.

I miss our chats, our cuppas , our time together....I love you ..TT x

slight improvement!

Darling John

I feel a little stronger, less fragile, I miss you and I think of you all the time, but it is not so raw so deeply painful.I know you will be pleased about that, you did not like me to be sad...but I love you and I miss you and I had to allow myself to grieve as painful as it has been,it is my last task for you, to mourn your loss.

I am having little niggley things go wrong, dishwasher been out of action since November, Hopefully it will come back on Monday inshalla!

TV not been right I had a replacement free view box and now the ariel is broken and the guy said it was too dangerous for him to go up to fix it!


All first world problems, but take up time to sort out.Andrew helped me apply for my new driving licence, and my first ever TV licence, it was always in your name. I love you TT

January 15 catch up

Hello darling

I am only just beginning to feel a bit better this flu has hung around now for two weeks...but I think I have turned a corner.


I saw Philip Cantor last week for a coffee...he is doing so well, his grief is much quieter than mine, but we are both doing the best we can to live without you and dear Anita, I really miss her now I am starting to believe that she is gone.it is so hard keeping going staying positive when I miss so many folk.

The children my family and friends keep me afloat..and I enjoy living alone, I always knew I would, a new thing that I have never experienced, sixteen months now since you went to Marie Curie.
If you can't be here I don't want to live with anyone else. I like my own company, I like seeing my students, clients, friends, going to Fact.Tate.Galleries and the park.I like planning my courses, reading my books, watching favourite programmes on Tv and so much love Radio 4.

I like to give encouragement I am good at that and it is so much needed in this sometimes wonderful sometimes cruel world.I feel I have a contribution to make. I am able to take time to get to know people and be specific about their strengths and give support in the fragile parts.

It is good to feel useful ,you needed me for so long as did ma and pa,,,I felt a bit lost for a good while, but now I have found myself, my purpose once again, it was of course always there.

I am hibernating this month ,as we always did in Spancilhill,,,walking the dogs, reading ,cooking up food for the freezer...watching movies..being close...great times great memories of our precious time in Ireland..just you and me.

Kate is 10 now, she is lovely coming out of her shell...blossoming a joy to be a part of her life.

A joy to be part of all the grand children's lives. I love being a yaya , thank you for those children in my life...if it wasnot for you I would not have that lovely role.

David Bowie died the other day....the world is in shock.he had cancer and kept it quiet.he make  a very elegant exit.I loved him singing Dancing in the Street with Mick Jagger ,he made a stunning entrance.

Today Alan Rickman died..I feel so sad about his death, I actually shouted at the radio, no no no, I loved his work right since" truly madly deeply"  I remember we watched that film together and we both cried buckets.

The cycle of life....goes on...

I love you John Lightbody, always have always will...TT...Helen

January 2016

Darling John

I have lived through another New Year's Eve with out you,

I had a wonderful evening with Andrew, we had some wine and nibbles here and a little catch up, then to the Philharmonic Hall to see Happy Birthday Mr Sinatra which we both really enjoyed, the orchestra were really great as was the singer (?) was too.. after the enjoyable concert we went along to The Pen Factory for drinks and nibbles, they had a live band playing , the first drinks were free,  we sat and chatted enjoyed the atmosphere and then it was 2016, we kissed and hugged and wished each other happy new year, I thought of You and Mum and Dad and Anita Gavin auntie Isa all my dear absent family and friends. We rang round some family,,,,it was really special to be with Andrew.

I have a bad cold now and sore throat, and have postponed my Christmas gathering tomorrow....just not up to it..all the excitement emotion sadness joy and sorrow of this year this season has caught up with me.....I will hibernate, stay warm, and recover.

As always I love you I miss you .I am now facing into another year with out you.

Dear John- God -Goddess -Universe -Existence - give me strength to get through this year.

TT. Helen X