lots of things on my mind!

Darling John

I am so tired, I think I have reached the apathy stage of grief, I am simply tired and my energy levels are very low.

I made arrangements to see people this week for coffee and lunches, assuming I would have recovered from the busyness of the festive season, but I look at my diary for this week and my heart sinks, I have arranged to see Beth and Jenny, who I  have just cancelled, for today. Patsy Kev, Andrea, Philip C...I am hoping lying low today will allow me to see all the above.

David is so encouraging about me going to HK but really the idea makes my shoulders droop.I must be tired, I would normally love the idea of travelling and seeing folk, especially David.

Philip MAY be coming home in May, just maybe, if that happens,I will definitely stay put.

I just need a year of normality and peace, the last few years were very hard when mum dad and then you were all ill needing attending and then all the deaths of three of the most important people in my life. This last year of grieving was emotionally exhausting and physically too - I kept going said yes to everything, a lot of travelling, and one thing I know, being a couple means when you are with folk one of you can have a rest, when you are on your own, there is a lot of focus on you and it is a lot more work, I am finding people tiring even the folk I love and am close too.

I miss Anita I did not have to make such an effort with her,she was a rock a great friend and my mentor. I am only starting to realise she is gone.and I miss her

I like being with Andrew , he is easy company and helpful too, he helped me with the tv licence and the driving licence, I now have to do everything on my own and it is lovely to have someone giving a hand, with some things. He also sorted out the answering machine, long story, suffice to say, I now have a working machine,thanks to him.

I have booked to go to the Phil to see Vieux Farcia Toure on Friday night, Breabach ,Scottish violinists on February 26th and to see two plays one at the Playhouse on March 5th A Raison in the Sun and one at the Everyman Unsung on March 10th and I might be going to see the Herbal Bed with Andrew and Lucy on March 11th,have not got tickets yet.We would definitely have gone to see this one it is about Shakespeare's daughter..  Let's hope I have rallied by the time they are all on.
I think my two groups are taking more out of me that I realise, I love them but I do feel tired after them I spend the whole day planning the course, making handouts thinking up exercises, and of course baking cakes..that;s twice a week, and although it seems effortless, as you well know making it safe and relaxed is a skill and work.


I will soon be starting my writing, Feb 1st is the date in my diary, I want to write some short stories about you Grandpa for the grand children, and my book, what ever it turns out to be
" The Have Turned My Grannie's Kitchen Into A Gent's toilet" a possible title.

I have started a little but I will be serious from 1/2..however if this tiredness keeps up I will delay the start date, life is too short to put pressure on myself.

I will be 68 this year, and I feel myself changing, my body is changing my energy levels are changing, " A woman's Journey"what our poor bodies go through in a life time.


The children don't like me saying " if I am spared" or "when I am not here "but it is realistic look at David Bowie and Alan Rickman both in my age group.

I have had "give while you live"  all five have something of mine and a lot of your things.

They have your book and each of them have your Bold Street Research and you Sweet peas.

I think Andrew will be the one to have to sort things out here when I go, or should I say come to you, (I wish) I downsize all the time, I hope I have left the apartment nicer than we found it for Philip, and the new things can be shared out or sent to a charity shop who knows.

I seem to have accumulated more jewellery since I gave a lot away...but nothing of value just sentimental.

I have a pink folder with a lot of banking information for Andrew to deal with when the time comes. I leave it out by the PC when I go travelling, it probably needs updated, as thing do.

I am glad you did not have all this to deal with , for me as I am the last one and on my own I feel it is important to leave things well, it is ever changing of course. Luckily there is no house or large amounts on money- just personal things- but I see how important they are to the Collins family and the Lightbody family . My two still have both parents, they have not had all that to deal with; they have some experience as they were close to me when you died and have been aware of what went on after ma and pa died. Especially Andrew.

I miss our chats, our cuppas , our time together....I love you ..TT x