Hogmonay 2014

Only three days since John died- feels much longer since I saw him-was with him at that wonderful heartbreaking moment that we shared.

I had the call at about 2 AM to say things had changed with John - I got a cab right away and was with him from about 2.45 till 6.06 when he died very peacefully- it was the first time I had been at a death- I am glad John's was the first.

I sat with him and talked through the story of our life-since the first time we met.All our homes- holidays- work times- times at the theatre and cinema- times with out five much loved children and much more- I held his hand- and watched his breathing go from noisy because of his  chest- to quiet gentle then much shorter breaths- right up to the very last one.

I sat till 6.14 before I got a nurse to come in and check if John was dead- I could feel my own pulse when I put my hand on his chest- but the nurse confirms that he was dead- and she kissed him-which I thought was beautiful.

The staff eventually had to come in and lie John down- I went for a hot chocolate-something that I have grown to like since I have been visiting John at the hospice- that and mocha latte.

When I went back in - it was not John any more.In that short time- after the beautiful intimacy of the previous four hours- it felt a bit stark.

I spoke to the nurse and she told me what to expect would happen next- about doctors certificates and death certificates- the morning staff came on - nurses hugged me said lovely things about nursing John. I spoke to Johnny and Andrew- then I walked on the White icy road along the familiar route to the bus stop- it was about 8.00AM- only to discover that the morning buses did not start up till about 9.00 AM- I walked back carefully to the hospice and rang a cab.

I started to call folk and folk called me. I can't remember too much I must have been in a trance but it did not feel like I was at the time.

Andrew and Philip came as soon as they could from Kennilworth and from Salford- Andrew collected Philip and they came together-which was lovely and comforting.

We caught up -Andrew emailed work and took the next day off- in order to help with things you have to do- Philip and I went to get a few bits from Tesco and we met Beth on the way- and had hugs.

We arrived back -same time as Andrew who had nipped back home to get some food stuff.

Andrew cooked- we talked to family and friends- ( the boys did) we drank wine- we talked about John- Lucy came in - we talked more drank more-it felt cosy and safe.

In the morning reality hit me- it was real John was dead- folk had put beautiful pictures of him on facebook- emails came in- texts came in -all beautiful and heart warming.We gathered here again- and went to Marie Curie to collect John's death certificate and his things- I felt sad going there- thought I should be seeing John here- I have been coming for three months to see him-another hard reality.
The staff were as ever wonderful - talked me through everything I would need to do- gave me hugs and more hugs-we collected John things- it was a bit of a shock as his room was no longer his room- it was bare- and the cleaners were in-John had gone- more reality.

As we left two of the doctors Clare and Dan came to say how much they had enjoyed caring for John - what an interesting man he was- and gave me big hugs.
Also said I can go in any time to chat- talk- sit in the chapel.

After that the boys and I went to the Woolton Crematorium - just to drive round- it was peaceful and comforting somehow.

WE went to Lark Lane- moon and pea for lunch and more chat- it was a good experience- the sun shining helped a lot.

We came back to Ullet Road- made some more calls to keep Johnny and Andy informed about what we were up to- then we watched a West Wing- Andrew took Philip to Lime Street- and went home himself.

I had some time to myself- I pottered- got the tree ready for new year- and the house. a lot of the red Christmas stuff has been put further back now- just white lights on the tree- silver and sparkly decorations- to the front- Santa's and reindeer's to the back-there is more of a winter theme around- which I like. I might have a last hurrah for Christmas on 12th night- John and I did- but not sure this year.

Yesterday Andrew collected me at 8.30 am and we went to register John's death- Nicky the young woman who looked after us was very sensitive-talked us through everything we needed to know-in a gentle understandable way.

Andrew noticed that above us on the wall of the little office there was a picture of Winnie the pooh and piglet...it made me happy- felt John was looking over us.


Andrew and I had a coffee at St Georges Hall and made some more calls- and felt pleased that we had ticked one more box. Then to Bold Street- where we put some things into OXFAM- then went to Utility looking for a frame-we did not find on there but we did find one in Rennie's- and I left my " giant Grannie" to be framed - to be collected on January 10th- the day after John's funeral.

Then we bought bread at East Avenue Bakery and home for our meeting with Andy the funeral director- he was great- got me to sign a few things- and he will do the rest of the work.

Andrew was a tower of strength- I am so grateful to him- especially as John's children cannot come for now- bless them all- they have all done so much in there own way.

He went off to work- I had a wonderful walk in the park- saw my swans- it was peaceful although there are a lot of folk around- as it is the holidays.

I then did an Asda shopping- then had a bath -some pasta and some chocolate icecream.

Today Hogmonay-was hard as I was waiting for the hospice to collect John's bed- bath chair commode and zimmer frame...it has all gone now- that was hard- I cried a lot- but it is done now- and I have the fold up bed made up for Philip's tonight.

I talked to Sandra and that helped me calm down a bit- Now for a bath a walk- a siesta- then a concert tonight with my boys and Lucy-- that will be good-"the bells" not so much.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.....

December 28th 2014

To-day my beloved husband died.

St Steven's Day 2014

Hello blog

we got through Christmas eve and Christmas day it has been so hard- so emotional-so beautiful- heartbreaking and life enhancing.

John sleeps mostly with an occasional wakeful moment- sometimes totally with us sometimes in another place trying to communicate from his place to our place.

This week Johnny and Penny spent time with John came all the way from Cambridge and London.

John came twice and on his last day before Christmas he brought a tiny tree- mini champagne- mini malt whiskies mince pies and gifts for both of us. Pyjamas for John a beautiful shawl for me.

Liz called in that day and we had some reminiscing some songs some laughter ad tears.

John and I played A fond kiss to John and we both cried- Johnny did not know that this Robert Burns song was James Lightbody's favourite song and John always thinks of him when he hear it- as it happens Johnny thinks of his dad when he hear it too- so it was very emotional.. for me too as I chose it as one of my desert island discs-for my Scottish family- my grandfather loved it. All those connections to on song.

One Christmas eve an old friend, Liz, and I decorated this tree with tiny baubles - I brought in the radio and we played Classic FM which was mostly Christmas songs.

I felt sad leaving John on Christmas eve...it is a sad time with out the one you love with you- I had a bath and an early night- but did not sleep too well.

Christmas morning was strange too..I opened a few gifts and a cab came for me at 11 AM -- John was asleep but I was happy to be with his for the few hours before my sons and Lucy and my son's dad came to visit with John- John stirred a little but was a bit confused- but did like on gift- a coaster with a picture of his Lightbody clock face on it- one of a set of coaster from Philip- he went back to sleep holding it,

We left John and came back here for a few hours and exchanged gifts and drank tea ( me and Andrew who was driving) wine everyone else.

I was quite overwhelmed by the gifts that I received- from everyone- people were so so generous.

I have felt so loved and so supported by Andrew Philip and Lucy- they all love John too- we are blessed with our families. Penny Johnny and David and partners have been amazing too- been here as much as they possibly could be and been very loving to me.

I went back to Marie Curie and the boys and co went back to Manchester for a late Christmas dinner.

John slept and some friends Anita and Philip came for a little visit- which was lovely.

I came home about 8.00 Pm leaving John peaceful and asleep. I had a bath and some toast and smoked salmon-and some polish cake- my Christmas dinner--which I enjoyed.

Enjoyed looking at my gifts once more- so so lovely and thoughtful every one.


Then bed....I wakened up to-day -boxing day- quite refreshed and glad that those few days were done-we got through them-well done all of us- especially John.
John rang this morning to say he had made a mistake and that there are no trains running today so he will not be here until tomorrow- the forecast is for heavy snow- so taking the car is bot a good idea.I am glad he can spend some more time with his own family.

So dear blog that is it for now- lets see what to-day will bring us. Onwards and upwards.

Johnny back again ! Jamie won masterchef!

Yesterday we had a very emotional day .

John was moved to a room on his own a few days ago-and the staff said maybe Johnny and Penny should come yesterday instead of to-day. They did come and it was very special - John rallied a bit and said some things he felt he needed to say -including that he knew the end was near- that although he was in favour of life -he accepted the inevitable ( paraphrasing) he said much more -it feels to personal for the blog- because some of it was to Penny and Johnny and not for me to share. But as you would imagine- it was great stuff with the inevitable humour there too,

John is very special . I don't say this because of how I feel about him- the reaction of so many folk highlights this to me. Family ,friends ,but also the staff at Marie Curie and the other hospitals that he has been in. He is much loved and admired by those who have only known him in his illness.

Penny left yesterday aware that it might be the last time she saw her beloved dad.So so sad.

Johnny went back to London but decided that is would come back today. It was so emotional- Andrew and Lucy came to visit John and to take me home- John rallied a bit for them which was special.

I came home last night- had a bath and was asleep just after 9,00 PM what a day.

Today Johnny and I met at the hospice- John was very different- slept most of the day mostly peaceful- thank god. Johnny brought a mini tree two mini cava's and three mini malts -some mince pies-and our Christmas gifts,What a lad.Andrew came in while Johnny was there and they shared a miniature malt together and raised a glass to John - so many special moments- Lucy called in too and Liz...all special- how often can you say that without it losing its meaning? I do not know- but in truth we have had so many special moments.

I left John is wonderful hands ,the staff who are like family to us now- they will call me if any thing changes- all being well I will have a good nights sleep.

Thank god for John and 27 years of marriage- I am truly grateful for every day- even the tough ones.

I was home in time for the final of Masterchef- Jamie my guy from the start- won - a happy moment- in a sad time. Robert sent a long email- saying "have a glass of wine" which I duly did with masterchef- then he sent a picture of Gwynneth with her tree- she does not change.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.......

Christmas music and tears

I am finding this season so hard as time goes on- being taken unaware by Christmas music which brings me to tears-I miss John being here joining in the preparations- also slowing me down- 'sit down woman ' a cup of tea- or a glass of wine.

My friends, children and family are FANTASTIC very supportive to me and to John- yet it is a lonely road at times.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......

Sweet peas

Last night I went to the hospice with Andrew and Lucy-they have been working on a secret project with John- I thought it might be a poem that John had written for the staff at various hospitals -but it was a framed picture for me -  of the sweet peas that we grew together over the summer- they were not very successful to be honest- but I managed to pick a few from time to time and put them in a glass in the bedroom where John could see them from the bed.
I remember that he drew a picture of them one day in August-the month before he went in to Marie Curie.
He must have had it among the papers that he took to Marie Curie because that is what he gave me last night a framed picture of the sweet peas.

I am so grateful that  Andrew and Lucy were able to make this happen for John, I feel very emotional about this gift.It means a lot to me.

He got some prints done so I will help him send then off  the children and anyone else he would like to send a copy to.

I am deeply moved and touched !