Only three days since John died- feels much longer since I saw him-was with him at that wonderful heartbreaking moment that we shared.
I had the call at about 2 AM to say things had changed with John - I got a cab right away and was with him from about 2.45 till 6.06 when he died very peacefully- it was the first time I had been at a death- I am glad John's was the first.
I sat with him and talked through the story of our life-since the first time we met.All our homes- holidays- work times- times at the theatre and cinema- times with out five much loved children and much more- I held his hand- and watched his breathing go from noisy because of his chest- to quiet gentle then much shorter breaths- right up to the very last one.
I sat till 6.14 before I got a nurse to come in and check if John was dead- I could feel my own pulse when I put my hand on his chest- but the nurse confirms that he was dead- and she kissed him-which I thought was beautiful.
The staff eventually had to come in and lie John down- I went for a hot chocolate-something that I have grown to like since I have been visiting John at the hospice- that and mocha latte.
When I went back in - it was not John any more.In that short time- after the beautiful intimacy of the previous four hours- it felt a bit stark.
I spoke to the nurse and she told me what to expect would happen next- about doctors certificates and death certificates- the morning staff came on - nurses hugged me said lovely things about nursing John. I spoke to Johnny and Andrew- then I walked on the White icy road along the familiar route to the bus stop- it was about 8.00AM- only to discover that the morning buses did not start up till about 9.00 AM- I walked back carefully to the hospice and rang a cab.
I started to call folk and folk called me. I can't remember too much I must have been in a trance but it did not feel like I was at the time.
Andrew and Philip came as soon as they could from Kennilworth and from Salford- Andrew collected Philip and they came together-which was lovely and comforting.
We caught up -Andrew emailed work and took the next day off- in order to help with things you have to do- Philip and I went to get a few bits from Tesco and we met Beth on the way- and had hugs.
We arrived back -same time as Andrew who had nipped back home to get some food stuff.
Andrew cooked- we talked to family and friends- ( the boys did) we drank wine- we talked about John- Lucy came in - we talked more drank more-it felt cosy and safe.
In the morning reality hit me- it was real John was dead- folk had put beautiful pictures of him on facebook- emails came in- texts came in -all beautiful and heart warming.We gathered here again- and went to Marie Curie to collect John's death certificate and his things- I felt sad going there- thought I should be seeing John here- I have been coming for three months to see him-another hard reality.
The staff were as ever wonderful - talked me through everything I would need to do- gave me hugs and more hugs-we collected John things- it was a bit of a shock as his room was no longer his room- it was bare- and the cleaners were in-John had gone- more reality.
As we left two of the doctors Clare and Dan came to say how much they had enjoyed caring for John - what an interesting man he was- and gave me big hugs.
Also said I can go in any time to chat- talk- sit in the chapel.
After that the boys and I went to the Woolton Crematorium - just to drive round- it was peaceful and comforting somehow.
WE went to Lark Lane- moon and pea for lunch and more chat- it was a good experience- the sun shining helped a lot.
We came back to Ullet Road- made some more calls to keep Johnny and Andy informed about what we were up to- then we watched a West Wing- Andrew took Philip to Lime Street- and went home himself.
I had some time to myself- I pottered- got the tree ready for new year- and the house. a lot of the red Christmas stuff has been put further back now- just white lights on the tree- silver and sparkly decorations- to the front- Santa's and reindeer's to the back-there is more of a winter theme around- which I like. I might have a last hurrah for Christmas on 12th night- John and I did- but not sure this year.
Yesterday Andrew collected me at 8.30 am and we went to register John's death- Nicky the young woman who looked after us was very sensitive-talked us through everything we needed to know-in a gentle understandable way.
Andrew noticed that above us on the wall of the little office there was a picture of Winnie the pooh and piglet...it made me happy- felt John was looking over us.
Andrew and I had a coffee at St Georges Hall and made some more calls- and felt pleased that we had ticked one more box. Then to Bold Street- where we put some things into OXFAM- then went to Utility looking for a frame-we did not find on there but we did find one in Rennie's- and I left my " giant Grannie" to be framed - to be collected on January 10th- the day after John's funeral.
Then we bought bread at East Avenue Bakery and home for our meeting with Andy the funeral director- he was great- got me to sign a few things- and he will do the rest of the work.
Andrew was a tower of strength- I am so grateful to him- especially as John's children cannot come for now- bless them all- they have all done so much in there own way.
He went off to work- I had a wonderful walk in the park- saw my swans- it was peaceful although there are a lot of folk around- as it is the holidays.
I then did an Asda shopping- then had a bath -some pasta and some chocolate icecream.
Today Hogmonay-was hard as I was waiting for the hospice to collect John's bed- bath chair commode and zimmer frame...it has all gone now- that was hard- I cried a lot- but it is done now- and I have the fold up bed made up for Philip's tonight.
I talked to Sandra and that helped me calm down a bit- Now for a bath a walk- a siesta- then a concert tonight with my boys and Lucy-- that will be good-"the bells" not so much.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......and so it is.....
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