Hello darling.
where are you my love ? wish I could see you ,talk to you ,take your advice.
This week Johnny came and we had a very emotional day looking at your things- clothes writings possessions of all kinds.
Johnny looks well he has lost some weight and it suits him- we were both sad yet comforted by being together talking about you- remember many things about your time in Marie Curie his visits- our regular contact.We both miss it.
Johnny has taken everything with him- he had to borrow a case- he had two cases and two shoulder bags--by the time we had done the packing- we did not feel too much like having lunch- we had a little soup and it was time for the cab to come and whisk him away.
When the train puled out I felt sad and that I had made a mistake- I was being dis- loyal to you by not keeping everything. crazy I know- but grief is crazy- or magical thinking as I like to call it.
For the first time since you left us- I asked Andrew and Lucy to come round for a glass of wine with me- I felt the need to have them with me for a little while- I don't like to make demands- but that was hard -like losing you again......and they came god bless them at 9o'clock at night- it was good though I felt better talking to them and telling them about the day...and it helped me make more sense of my feelings.
The following day it was Laura's talk at Fact- and that was emotional too- but not so raw as the day before. Laura was excellent- she said a lot about the photographers and the project that you did together- she was very inclusive and gave you lots of credit- she loved you- she really misses you - as so many of us do.
I am going to Spain soon- that is going to be hard - going there with out you my love.
I have things to do first though- tonight I am going to Lark lane to have dinner with Philip and Anita at the Greek restaurant.
Tomorrow Andrew and Lucy are taking me out for dinner- don't know where -it is a surprise :-)
I hope to go to the docks tomorrow to see the Queens....Tuesday I am taking Beth out for her (late) birthday lunch.I have a client on Tuesday evening- then I am off on Wednesday- I get into Glasgow about 6.00 Pm. Thursday I will go for a massage at the palce near Sandra ---and on Friday we are off- and hopefully Frank will be there to meet us....
I will talk to you from Glasgow or Castlenel-- maybe even before I leave....see what happens...love you John miss you so much--- TT.
Sunday, 24 May 2015
Monday, 18 May 2015
Twenty weeks and one day!
Hello darling John
yesterday was not an easy day for me- it was the five month anniversary of your death-I sorely miss you- I have been in quite a good space since I recovered from the leaving of Philip- relatively calm and getting on with things- but early last week I felt quite ill a bad dose of the cold and a sore throat then a sore ear-- I lay low most of the week- because I was running a workshop at Fact- and I did the workshop and it went well- but I felt awful afterwards- so weak and fragile- tearful- missed you wanted you to make me a cuppa-make my supper give me a hug...be in the same room feel your presence.
I felt awful all the next day when I was supposed to be doing things with Lucy join in light night- but I just felt ill and weak all day- I finally met Andrew and Lucy at The Tate about 8.00 PM after walking to Princes Avenue before I got a cab...it was worth going I was so happy to spend a few hours with A&L even though Andrew was not 100% himself.We had some wine listened to speeches- then headed to Everyman for more wine...the event we went to see was over- but it was nice to be together chatting and drinking wine.
Saturday I felt as fluy as ever-- but just chilled made some soup- but I have lots of food delivered but have not felt like eating much- and I don't feel like cooking either- hope to get my mojo back soon so I don't waste all the lovely veggies..
I keep reliving your last few days weeks months in my head- it is not always comforting- sometimes it breaks me heart-you knew the end was coming- and accepted that- conversely you wanted to come home to see the bathroom-- and be in your own home--I remember the day we asked Dr Dan about this- he was so kind- said if things changed - we would consider this-did not want to take hope away-but we both knew- and shortly after that you were moved to the last room-you knew it was time to go---but it is not fair I miss you I want you back home- I am tired of living without you- I do things make plans- but I want to talk things through with you- I want you to help me decide what to do next- shall I travel to HK- Beijing- Australia? I don't know if I would enjoy it or if I would just be going through the motions-there is the financial side to consider but it is not just that-I try to imagine myself there and to-day how I feel it is all too much- to much energy involved- in some ways it would be avoidance- at first I wanted to stay here for the first year--- now I don't know-- also can't go September October November and January it is too long away- and it is Susan's' 70th in January so if I go to China it would be better to keep going over to Sydney.
If I don't go- I have to face up to not wanting to go to Castalla for Christmas- I truly don't - would feel unfaithful to you spending the first Christmas without you- in Spain with Phil.....if it was only the children- I would be there in a heartbeat---but if Philip is coming home at Christmas how will I see him if I don't go to Castalla...would he come over here--- maybe if I paid his fare- that would help! maybe that would work- I have been bending over backwards fr too long- trying to make it nice for everyone- but that was only possible when you were here John - we always want to make it nice for the children-- but hey the youngest is about to be 40 they are big people- many broken home don't get the parents together on so many occasions....your children never did--- M was not up for it-- she took care of her own needs- good on her--it was hard on you but she had courage.
I always found it hard to say no to my children- not that they actually asked me to join in Christmas--I just felt that first Christmas that we were home and they invited up to Christmas lunch it would be nice- but it quickly became a custom.
It all feels to hard- maybe this is why I feel ill- I am going to see my counsellorthat will help - sharing this saying it out loud
Oh dear John wish you were here-- love you and miss you so much-- TT Helen xx
yesterday was not an easy day for me- it was the five month anniversary of your death-I sorely miss you- I have been in quite a good space since I recovered from the leaving of Philip- relatively calm and getting on with things- but early last week I felt quite ill a bad dose of the cold and a sore throat then a sore ear-- I lay low most of the week- because I was running a workshop at Fact- and I did the workshop and it went well- but I felt awful afterwards- so weak and fragile- tearful- missed you wanted you to make me a cuppa-make my supper give me a hug...be in the same room feel your presence.
I felt awful all the next day when I was supposed to be doing things with Lucy join in light night- but I just felt ill and weak all day- I finally met Andrew and Lucy at The Tate about 8.00 PM after walking to Princes Avenue before I got a cab...it was worth going I was so happy to spend a few hours with A&L even though Andrew was not 100% himself.We had some wine listened to speeches- then headed to Everyman for more wine...the event we went to see was over- but it was nice to be together chatting and drinking wine.
Saturday I felt as fluy as ever-- but just chilled made some soup- but I have lots of food delivered but have not felt like eating much- and I don't feel like cooking either- hope to get my mojo back soon so I don't waste all the lovely veggies..
I keep reliving your last few days weeks months in my head- it is not always comforting- sometimes it breaks me heart-you knew the end was coming- and accepted that- conversely you wanted to come home to see the bathroom-- and be in your own home--I remember the day we asked Dr Dan about this- he was so kind- said if things changed - we would consider this-did not want to take hope away-but we both knew- and shortly after that you were moved to the last room-you knew it was time to go---but it is not fair I miss you I want you back home- I am tired of living without you- I do things make plans- but I want to talk things through with you- I want you to help me decide what to do next- shall I travel to HK- Beijing- Australia? I don't know if I would enjoy it or if I would just be going through the motions-there is the financial side to consider but it is not just that-I try to imagine myself there and to-day how I feel it is all too much- to much energy involved- in some ways it would be avoidance- at first I wanted to stay here for the first year--- now I don't know-- also can't go September October November and January it is too long away- and it is Susan's' 70th in January so if I go to China it would be better to keep going over to Sydney.
If I don't go- I have to face up to not wanting to go to Castalla for Christmas- I truly don't - would feel unfaithful to you spending the first Christmas without you- in Spain with Phil.....if it was only the children- I would be there in a heartbeat---but if Philip is coming home at Christmas how will I see him if I don't go to Castalla...would he come over here--- maybe if I paid his fare- that would help! maybe that would work- I have been bending over backwards fr too long- trying to make it nice for everyone- but that was only possible when you were here John - we always want to make it nice for the children-- but hey the youngest is about to be 40 they are big people- many broken home don't get the parents together on so many occasions....your children never did--- M was not up for it-- she took care of her own needs- good on her--it was hard on you but she had courage.
I always found it hard to say no to my children- not that they actually asked me to join in Christmas--I just felt that first Christmas that we were home and they invited up to Christmas lunch it would be nice- but it quickly became a custom.
It all feels to hard- maybe this is why I feel ill- I am going to see my counsellorthat will help - sharing this saying it out loud
Oh dear John wish you were here-- love you and miss you so much-- TT Helen xx
Saturday, 9 May 2015
9th May Blessings way day.
Hello John
I am home now- I enjoyed my visit to Glasgow and as ever I am glad to be home again.
I met Anita yesterday at The Bluecoat- she said that I looked better than she has seen me for a long time which made me feel better- I know I have looked drawn a lot of the time and my eyes look sad and sore.
She thinks I have turned a corner-I hope so- when I came home the other night- It was the first time that I came in from a few days away- and did not cry- I looked at your pictures and your writing and your things- and I felt a little stronger.
I am perpetually tired more tired that I feel I ought to be-- but then I remember grief is exhausting - I have not slept well the last two nights-- so feel more tired today.
I am still expecting to hear a date for when Johnny and Penny are coming- I would like them to come now and take what they want to take- it feels it is time to say good bye to your clothes and papers- the ones that I don't want to keep.
Especially as we are so short of space here in this flat.
Phil has been here to put the block on the water drips under the windows in the lounge- he has stopped the radiators leaking too- and the boiler has been serviced- a nice young man Richie did it he remember you and said you were a nice man-- we soul I cried when I told him that you had died in December--- he was sweet -turns out he is a Jehovah's Witness- but sweet none the less and gentle.
Phil will do some painting in the house and garden in when I am in Scotland with Sandra and Jackie.
Today Beth has organised a blessings way for me- remember I did one for her when she was pregnant with Anoushka..
I am a bit nervous as I don't know what she has organised or who is coming- but I know it is all loving people- and it is about helping me through this transition period..
Andrew and Lucy will call in at 7.00 and they will have a bit of time saying hello to everyone- before they leave and we have our evening together...I will let you know how it goes.
I feel very tired and do not know whether to go for a lie down or a walk- can't decide what is best for me.
It is a big day today- would like to have some energy to process it all and enjoy it too.
I love you darling- thanks for you love and care all through our time together...TT Helen xx
I am home now- I enjoyed my visit to Glasgow and as ever I am glad to be home again.
I met Anita yesterday at The Bluecoat- she said that I looked better than she has seen me for a long time which made me feel better- I know I have looked drawn a lot of the time and my eyes look sad and sore.
She thinks I have turned a corner-I hope so- when I came home the other night- It was the first time that I came in from a few days away- and did not cry- I looked at your pictures and your writing and your things- and I felt a little stronger.
I am perpetually tired more tired that I feel I ought to be-- but then I remember grief is exhausting - I have not slept well the last two nights-- so feel more tired today.
I am still expecting to hear a date for when Johnny and Penny are coming- I would like them to come now and take what they want to take- it feels it is time to say good bye to your clothes and papers- the ones that I don't want to keep.
Especially as we are so short of space here in this flat.
Phil has been here to put the block on the water drips under the windows in the lounge- he has stopped the radiators leaking too- and the boiler has been serviced- a nice young man Richie did it he remember you and said you were a nice man-- we soul I cried when I told him that you had died in December--- he was sweet -turns out he is a Jehovah's Witness- but sweet none the less and gentle.
Phil will do some painting in the house and garden in when I am in Scotland with Sandra and Jackie.
Today Beth has organised a blessings way for me- remember I did one for her when she was pregnant with Anoushka..
I am a bit nervous as I don't know what she has organised or who is coming- but I know it is all loving people- and it is about helping me through this transition period..
Andrew and Lucy will call in at 7.00 and they will have a bit of time saying hello to everyone- before they leave and we have our evening together...I will let you know how it goes.
I feel very tired and do not know whether to go for a lie down or a walk- can't decide what is best for me.
It is a big day today- would like to have some energy to process it all and enjoy it too.
I love you darling- thanks for you love and care all through our time together...TT Helen xx
Sunday, 3 May 2015
Glasgow visit!
Dear John
I am sitting on the bed at Sandra's the wind in howling round the house and it is pouring with rain so a typical bank holiday weekend. It has been a very emotional time here in Glasgow . Marie and I spent a long evening talking about you the other evening which was lovely - Matthew came in later and we chatted about our memories too - I enjoyed my time with them as ever.
When I got to Sandra's we were both shattered but we took her charges to the park and collected some children from school - we had some fun with them before they left for home and Sandra finished for the weekend- Harry made a lovely salmon dish which we enjoyed and Sandra and I had an early night - next day we both had massages much needed in my case then Jackie picked us up and we went for pizza in Byres Road had a good catch up then we went to see Far from the Madding Crowd - which we all enjoyed but would not rave about it .
Yesterday Sandra and I went out with Julie to look at wedding dresses- when Julie was trying them on -it was such a treat - she has such a lovely slim frame so looked great in everything she tried on but there were two that just stood out. - took our breath away - I cried of course - she will,have some time to reflect on this now and make up her mind this week - it takes about six months to make the dress to her size- she does not have a date yet because they have not found a venue that suits them but I think this might be an late autumn early winter wedding !
I took them to the champagne lounge in Central hotel and the girls had Proseco and Sandra and I had sparkling water - it was a really special day - for all of us .
Sandra and I them came home for the car and headed to Silverburn to collect Sandra's phone - she was a very happy camper to have it back. Harry made us a Chinese curry for supper I watched the end of the Man U WBA match sadly we lost 1-0.
Today we went with Scott and Fallon to see their new home - they get the keys next week very exciting for them and a lot of fun for me to see the house and hear their plans- we went for coffee after and enjoyed a good chat . we came home and got a call from Julie she and Raphs are at Devonshire Hotel for a night away - they got an upgrade to a suite - Ab Fab - it was lovely hearing Raph talking about his plans for having a wedding suit made - lovely couple you would like them - both couples in fact. I have a picture of you with me - it is lovely to see you as I come in and out of the room here at the top of the house .
Along with all this Philip has made his way to Beijing via Barcelona and Dubai he has had a wonderful journey - has been well looked after on his arrival there has a new flat already and will go to IKEA would you believe to make it feel like home - never thought of IKEA in China - he will have wifi tomorrow so we may well be able to be in touch soon - tomorrow Sandra and I are thinking of a visit to Helensburgh to look at houses .
so my love I am recovering from Philips departure- plenty of distractions - not so easy to recover from you leaving me - I love. You always - TT Helen xxx
I am sitting on the bed at Sandra's the wind in howling round the house and it is pouring with rain so a typical bank holiday weekend. It has been a very emotional time here in Glasgow . Marie and I spent a long evening talking about you the other evening which was lovely - Matthew came in later and we chatted about our memories too - I enjoyed my time with them as ever.
When I got to Sandra's we were both shattered but we took her charges to the park and collected some children from school - we had some fun with them before they left for home and Sandra finished for the weekend- Harry made a lovely salmon dish which we enjoyed and Sandra and I had an early night - next day we both had massages much needed in my case then Jackie picked us up and we went for pizza in Byres Road had a good catch up then we went to see Far from the Madding Crowd - which we all enjoyed but would not rave about it .
Yesterday Sandra and I went out with Julie to look at wedding dresses- when Julie was trying them on -it was such a treat - she has such a lovely slim frame so looked great in everything she tried on but there were two that just stood out. - took our breath away - I cried of course - she will,have some time to reflect on this now and make up her mind this week - it takes about six months to make the dress to her size- she does not have a date yet because they have not found a venue that suits them but I think this might be an late autumn early winter wedding !
I took them to the champagne lounge in Central hotel and the girls had Proseco and Sandra and I had sparkling water - it was a really special day - for all of us .
Sandra and I them came home for the car and headed to Silverburn to collect Sandra's phone - she was a very happy camper to have it back. Harry made us a Chinese curry for supper I watched the end of the Man U WBA match sadly we lost 1-0.
Today we went with Scott and Fallon to see their new home - they get the keys next week very exciting for them and a lot of fun for me to see the house and hear their plans- we went for coffee after and enjoyed a good chat . we came home and got a call from Julie she and Raphs are at Devonshire Hotel for a night away - they got an upgrade to a suite - Ab Fab - it was lovely hearing Raph talking about his plans for having a wedding suit made - lovely couple you would like them - both couples in fact. I have a picture of you with me - it is lovely to see you as I come in and out of the room here at the top of the house .
Along with all this Philip has made his way to Beijing via Barcelona and Dubai he has had a wonderful journey - has been well looked after on his arrival there has a new flat already and will go to IKEA would you believe to make it feel like home - never thought of IKEA in China - he will have wifi tomorrow so we may well be able to be in touch soon - tomorrow Sandra and I are thinking of a visit to Helensburgh to look at houses .
so my love I am recovering from Philips departure- plenty of distractions - not so easy to recover from you leaving me - I love. You always - TT Helen xxx
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