Hello darling John
yesterday was not an easy day for me- it was the five month anniversary of your death-I sorely miss you- I have been in quite a good space since I recovered from the leaving of Philip- relatively calm and getting on with things- but early last week I felt quite ill a bad dose of the cold and a sore throat then a sore ear-- I lay low most of the week- because I was running a workshop at Fact- and I did the workshop and it went well- but I felt awful afterwards- so weak and fragile- tearful- missed you wanted you to make me a cuppa-make my supper give me a hug...be in the same room feel your presence.
I felt awful all the next day when I was supposed to be doing things with Lucy join in light night- but I just felt ill and weak all day- I finally met Andrew and Lucy at The Tate about 8.00 PM after walking to Princes Avenue before I got a cab...it was worth going I was so happy to spend a few hours with A&L even though Andrew was not 100% himself.We had some wine listened to speeches- then headed to Everyman for more wine...the event we went to see was over- but it was nice to be together chatting and drinking wine.
Saturday I felt as fluy as ever-- but just chilled made some soup- but I have lots of food delivered but have not felt like eating much- and I don't feel like cooking either- hope to get my mojo back soon so I don't waste all the lovely veggies..
I keep reliving your last few days weeks months in my head- it is not always comforting- sometimes it breaks me heart-you knew the end was coming- and accepted that- conversely you wanted to come home to see the bathroom-- and be in your own home--I remember the day we asked Dr Dan about this- he was so kind- said if things changed - we would consider this-did not want to take hope away-but we both knew- and shortly after that you were moved to the last room-you knew it was time to go---but it is not fair I miss you I want you back home- I am tired of living without you- I do things make plans- but I want to talk things through with you- I want you to help me decide what to do next- shall I travel to HK- Beijing- Australia? I don't know if I would enjoy it or if I would just be going through the motions-there is the financial side to consider but it is not just that-I try to imagine myself there and to-day how I feel it is all too much- to much energy involved- in some ways it would be avoidance- at first I wanted to stay here for the first year--- now I don't know-- also can't go September October November and January it is too long away- and it is Susan's' 70th in January so if I go to China it would be better to keep going over to Sydney.
If I don't go- I have to face up to not wanting to go to Castalla for Christmas- I truly don't - would feel unfaithful to you spending the first Christmas without you- in Spain with Phil.....if it was only the children- I would be there in a heartbeat---but if Philip is coming home at Christmas how will I see him if I don't go to Castalla...would he come over here--- maybe if I paid his fare- that would help! maybe that would work- I have been bending over backwards fr too long- trying to make it nice for everyone- but that was only possible when you were here John - we always want to make it nice for the children-- but hey the youngest is about to be 40 they are big people- many broken home don't get the parents together on so many occasions....your children never did--- M was not up for it-- she took care of her own needs- good on her--it was hard on you but she had courage.
I always found it hard to say no to my children- not that they actually asked me to join in Christmas--I just felt that first Christmas that we were home and they invited up to Christmas lunch it would be nice- but it quickly became a custom.
It all feels to hard- maybe this is why I feel ill- I am going to see my counsellorthat will help - sharing this saying it out loud
Oh dear John wish you were here-- love you and miss you so much-- TT Helen xx
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