Hello darling
how I wish you were here, it would be good to talk, good to go out for a coffee, out for a glass of wine to the cricket club, have dinner in Host, go on the Ferry, have lunch at the Tate.
Since I last wrote to you Anita has died, in my fantasy , you know this and you have seen her, magical thinking .
I don't really believe Anita is dead....just away in Israel, I often did not see her if she was away or I was away, but when we were both here I saw her every week, and text almost every day.
Philip's hands are still being treated for burns, but he is on the mend....I hoped to see him this week, but he has put it off till next week, so we will see how he is.
I had a wonderful time with Anne and Henry, I love their home in Whitstable, we can make a cup of tea jn their kitchen then walk across the road to the beach and drink it..
We had a lovely ceremony for Anita at the time her funeral took place in Liverpool.
We played My Love is Like a Red Red Rose which was poignant on so many levels, I could hear you singing it in my head...and Eddie Reader and Kenneth Mc Keller Anita like Kenneth Mc Keller.
Anne wrote a poem for Anita " Bird of Paradise" she really captured the essence of Anita.Henry read a bit from Anita's book.I read a letter that I wrote to Anita sharing highlights and memories of our 35 year friendship....it was a lovely hour.
The believe it or not we went to see Othello hot from the Edinburgh Festival and all woman cast...very very well done.
I think if the day had not been so traumatic, the play might have been devastating...as it was it was a good distraction and we were able to have a cerebral discussion about jealousy and betrayal , you would have enjoyed being at a Shakespeare play at the University of Canterbury.
Anne and Henry were so generous and welcoming, great food, a little wine, cosy bedroom, lots of deep and meaningfuls, lots of memories of you and a few walk on the beach and lunches and coffees around Whitstable.
I then went of to Staffordshire for a beautiful very different family weekend. with Andrew Lucy Wendy Sophie Lola, and Nick dipped in.
We were in a beautiful old refurbished coach house very spacious warm family friendly place in the heart of Staffordshire.
Again lovely food lots of wine, good company, lovely gifts for Wendy and I..I am happy to tell you I bought myself a beautiful cream Radley purse from you for my birthday....a large one....I loved the small one but it was almost as expensive as the big one.....I tell you this because most unexpectedly Andrew and Lucy bought me the small on amongst other things for my birthday..I was very touched and surprised, as they had already treated us to the weekend away.
I fell for Shugborough Estate....the seat of Lord Litchfield...remember the dashing photographer Patrick Litchfield ,his home.
I loved touring the stables, kitchen.laundry, school room, and seeing the clothes they wore...all fascinated me. I hope I can go back and see the big house and Patrick Litchfields photographs.
I missed you while I was there....you would have loved the place too.....we have raised a beautiful family....so my darling,in spite of all the difficulties at the beginning..... we did well....we always worried they would be" F----D up" we certainly felt we were at times.Fear not all is well.
Johnny is missing you and finding life difficult but he is talking about it, admitting it, taking some time out to grieve, I am in touch all the time...as I am with Penny, she too is struggling, could do with some space to grieve for you and Maureen.
Of course David is going through this too but I don't see it, he sends me touching emails from time to time saying how he feels, telling me how much he appreciates me. It is precious.
Andrew misses you ...I think setting up the just giving page, and running the half marathon was a way of showing that .I know it touched him and Lucy quite deeply. I often feel sad for him when the three of us get together for dinner especially here.....you two used to have such merry banter.
You are a much loved man.
Philip talks about you when we talk, it is too hard to talk at a deep level when he is in Beijing but he often notices what I am doing and will comment " that must have been tough" or " how are you feeling about that'
I promised you that I would take care of them, and I am , doing my best, Penny worries that I have enough, but I have time to grieve for you my love, I can shut the world and demands out, I can talk to you here, talk to my counsellor, and I have wonderful friends, and Andrew and Lucy are fab, I can have fun with them, see plays movies, eat nice food.
I don't have to pour out my grief on them now, I have a good varied life and lots of different folk who meet different needs, including my need to be useful to help to care to make a difference, even now that matters to me.....on the good days :-)
I am seeing a couple of clients. Ran a great workshop last Saturday with Artist's Way alumni as Marie calls it..Creative cluster I call it....on November 7th I have seven new people starting an introduction....I feel a little spark of excitement coming back into my heart.
I felt especially sad when the old table was taken away to a new home last week-cause you loved that table...but it is time for some changes...I have a smaller ikea table now, but the leaves pull out so we can have a big family group too. I am awaiting a new couch from Utility....big changes here....but my dear beloved John.....one thing will never change...my huge love and gratitude for you in my life...I feel less desperate....less despairing.....less like wanting to go to sleep and not wakening up....but the love is as big and deep as ever it was....
this verse of the poem I asked Kev to read at your funeral springs to mind...
And the days will pass with baffled faces
then the weeks ,then the months,
then there will be a day when no question is asked,
and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
and the puffed faces will calm.
And on that day he will not have ceased
but will have ceased to be separated by death.
it is true that the separation I felt at the beginning , was HUGE that is why it is so painful....and I know from experience I will visit that place again from time to time over the rest of my life.....but I do feel you are close now...we are not separated ..we will always be together.
As Philip often said. " same old slippers
same old rice
same old glimpse of paradise" I love you John..TT
Monday, 26 October 2015
Thursday, 8 October 2015
Scary world
Hello darling
the world news is quite scary all the talk about is war ,death ,bombs..poor refugees who few people want to help....I find it quite depressing and I feel helpless
I really miss you darling...miss our talks....I am starting to feel quite lonely....something I have not felt for a long long time....I have to make the effort all the time to talk to another human....and it is always worth the effort...but it is much nicer having you here to just blether to.
I am lacking purpose...I am like a rudderless ship....flotsam and jetsam floating about aimlessly.
I think I am in the lethargy stage of grief....
I miss Philip and Jackie and Anita and lots of people mum dad, aunts uncles grandparents no longer here...sometimes I ask the big questions "what's it all about" I feel like Woody Allen searching for a meaning.
I somehow got through our birthdays....now Halloween and our 28th wedding anniversary is coming up.....and I am going to scatter more of your ashes in Sefton Park on the day...I think it is a good day to do it...otherwise it is a hard day to get through...all the memories of all the wonderful Halloweens that we have spent together,,,,I have asked some folk to be part of that day....our children...people who were with us on October 31st 1987.....but right now I can't imagine the day....Andrew and Lucy are coming tomorrow night to help me plan the day...then we can just see who want's to fit in where.
I saw Martian the other day..I did not like it...but think there must be something wrong with me,as David Wood did enjoy it ..and I respect his view about anything to do with space things....I much prefer Apollo 13 much more exciting to me at least..I just could not suspend my disbelief....of course it could be to do with my mood, my stage in grief.
It does affect he way I see things.
I am going to meet Tony for a coffee at the Pen Factory.....he is usually in cheerful mood...hope he will cheer me today....I got a shopping delivered as A&L coming tomorrow night...I was going to get a take away..as I am away all next week..but in the end,,we will have some proper food.
I miss you my true love....I heard Pangur Ban the poem written by an Irish monk centuries ago.. which you read to me and talked about often..then I heard Prince Charles reading My Love is like a red red rose.....were you around here....are they signs..am I going mad....a year of magical thinking....that is me...it is poetry day today on Radio 4.....
TT Helen.....where are you ? xxxx
the world news is quite scary all the talk about is war ,death ,bombs..poor refugees who few people want to help....I find it quite depressing and I feel helpless
I really miss you darling...miss our talks....I am starting to feel quite lonely....something I have not felt for a long long time....I have to make the effort all the time to talk to another human....and it is always worth the effort...but it is much nicer having you here to just blether to.
I am lacking purpose...I am like a rudderless ship....flotsam and jetsam floating about aimlessly.
I think I am in the lethargy stage of grief....
I miss Philip and Jackie and Anita and lots of people mum dad, aunts uncles grandparents no longer here...sometimes I ask the big questions "what's it all about" I feel like Woody Allen searching for a meaning.
I somehow got through our birthdays....now Halloween and our 28th wedding anniversary is coming up.....and I am going to scatter more of your ashes in Sefton Park on the day...I think it is a good day to do it...otherwise it is a hard day to get through...all the memories of all the wonderful Halloweens that we have spent together,,,,I have asked some folk to be part of that day....our children...people who were with us on October 31st 1987.....but right now I can't imagine the day....Andrew and Lucy are coming tomorrow night to help me plan the day...then we can just see who want's to fit in where.
I saw Martian the other day..I did not like it...but think there must be something wrong with me,as David Wood did enjoy it ..and I respect his view about anything to do with space things....I much prefer Apollo 13 much more exciting to me at least..I just could not suspend my disbelief....of course it could be to do with my mood, my stage in grief.
It does affect he way I see things.
I am going to meet Tony for a coffee at the Pen Factory.....he is usually in cheerful mood...hope he will cheer me today....I got a shopping delivered as A&L coming tomorrow night...I was going to get a take away..as I am away all next week..but in the end,,we will have some proper food.
I miss you my true love....I heard Pangur Ban the poem written by an Irish monk centuries ago.. which you read to me and talked about often..then I heard Prince Charles reading My Love is like a red red rose.....were you around here....are they signs..am I going mad....a year of magical thinking....that is me...it is poetry day today on Radio 4.....
TT Helen.....where are you ? xxxx
Saturday, 3 October 2015
Castlenel /Anita /Everyman/Swans
Hello darling
I am home from Castalla now, once again it was sad and heartbreaking.
The house looks lovely you would love to see all the changes- the first day I went shopping and got all the beds made up.Penny and Johnny arrived on my birthday ,it was special, we sat on the balcony drank some of the 1.65 sparkling wine which is still wonderful...had a lovely meal and drank some of the '99 ' we talked a lot about you, shared our memories remembered the Marie Curie raised a glass to Andrew and Lucy who raised over £2000 in your name for Marie Curie.
On Saturday morning we walked through the market in beautiful sunshine Johnny bought some sunglasses Penny chatted to everyone she is really up for speaking languages, such a communicator.
We had coffee and Toasadas in El Jardin the cafe we like under the Castle on the main road.
On Saturday afternoon after lunch Penny and Johnny spent about 8 hours with out a break in your room looking through your things, your mum and dad's things...and especially being touched in many ways by your writing.
Penny picked out one sentence to read to us from all the hundreds of pages...after some tensions he wrote.
' I love Helen Penny Johnny and David'
You knew in the end love is all that matters -of course there were tensions especially in the early days....but love especially a parents love rises above all the nonsense in the great scheme of things, Those tensions all die away and all you are left with is love love love.
St Exupery said 'what is essential is invisible to the eye' I think he meant love.
Penny and Johnny and I got very close. I know you would love to see that..it was not always so easy...it takes time to love really love.
We were all sad on Sunday morning when they had to leave...in the end with just a few things....six green glasses...two for each of your children...you would like that.
I stayed on till 29th it was hard after the warmth of our time together..and facing into your birthday on 28th....it rained and rained and rained then gales blew hailstones crashed on top of Castalla....felt like the weather was reflecting my feelings..on your birthday we had flashing lightning and rolls of thunder....were you there....?
I left on 29th to come back to Liverpool after leaving the house looking lovely- and a lovely walk round Castalla with Sofi Frank and Edith...in the sunshine.
As ever the neighbours came to say farewell- they are so so special.
I got home at midnight ...as ever nice to be home the flat looked well....welcoming.
On September 30th had a call from Anne she was quite distressed to tell me that on 29th September Anita set herself on fire when lighting candles,,,,,Philip tried to put out the fire and his hands are badly burned....I felt shaken and speechless....what in gods name can you say or do.
Anita is in hospital and will not get home again....Philip was in for a few days but could well be out now..I don't know...no one is hearing anything.I totally understand this,,,,the family must be in a dreadful state...it is one thing preparing to lose your wife and mother from the horror of a brain tumour but this is too horrific. I feel helpless...and all I can wish from my dear friend of thirty five years...is a swift end and hope she is well sedated..
I have been struggling to recover from all the emotion of Castalla and hearing the worst news about Anita....could not eat...just a little chocolate or cake seemed to go down everything else made me feel nausea...a bit like it was when you were really ill and in hospital...food would not go down at all.
Happily I had a date with Andrew and Lucy to go to see Odyssey at the Everyman I love the Everyman the play was not as good as we hoped but got us talking none the less which good theatre and art are meant to do. It was the same director as A Midsummer Nights dream...I hated that play...this was much better.
We met at The Penfactory which I love had some nice food , a little for me, a few glasses of wine and a good catch up..never enough time.
The evening helped ground me...made me get dressed up and get into town.
On October 1st...I went into town after a long chat with Lynn and Mandy our cleaning woman...taught them a little stress management and quoted you,,,, they seemed to feel helped which was nice to see...like old times.
I had breakfast at Fact had my Ipad and did some emailing..felt quite cool joining in what a lot of folk around me were doing.
I then went to Radley and bought myself a beautiful purse form you, for my birthday.
as you know a lot of my things come from vintage and charity shops....but this was a real treat...the purse which I have been looking at for a while cost £75 aghhhhhh.
I needed a treat after all the emotion...so went for it...and to my great astonishment...it was reduced to £50 I was inordinately happy. I had a lovely chat with the two young staff in there -one reminded so much of my nephew Matthew -the other young woman was down from Aberdeen learning the ropes...I ended up telling them a bit of the history of Bold Street and about the three photographers that were there at the time cameras came in taking over for portrait painters..
They were happy to hear all this and when I left the young man ( Matthew) said please come back in anytime you are passing and tell me more about Liverpool history. It was a lovely moment...all the stuff I told them I learnt from you my love.
So now for a quiet weekend......I have lots of cards for my birthday and I still have them up...I keep getting more...yesterday I got one from Sophie and Nick and Lola...a belated one...one of my favourites is from Rob and Paul the famous picture of the police cone on the statue of a man on a horse in George Square ,I think...this year all the cards feel special people say lovely things very aware this is the first birthday without you....Marie even sent me a card on your birthday too.....with a hug....all beautiful and very emotional.....sadness and joy the opposite sides of the same coin.
I love you John always have always will.....still trying to figure out how to live with out you....but I am ok, I grieve I mourn......I breath in I breath out I get up in the morning I go to bed at night....I love the stars the trees the swans....I went to see them when I came home it was fantastic to see them again...cygnets are swan size now but still quite grey...while I was squatting taking picture of them in the late afternoon light..two Canada geese came and stood right beside me. I thought they were making friends..but it turns out there were crumbs right there...still it was great to be so close to them.
TT Helen xx
I am home from Castalla now, once again it was sad and heartbreaking.
The house looks lovely you would love to see all the changes- the first day I went shopping and got all the beds made up.Penny and Johnny arrived on my birthday ,it was special, we sat on the balcony drank some of the 1.65 sparkling wine which is still wonderful...had a lovely meal and drank some of the '99 ' we talked a lot about you, shared our memories remembered the Marie Curie raised a glass to Andrew and Lucy who raised over £2000 in your name for Marie Curie.
On Saturday morning we walked through the market in beautiful sunshine Johnny bought some sunglasses Penny chatted to everyone she is really up for speaking languages, such a communicator.
We had coffee and Toasadas in El Jardin the cafe we like under the Castle on the main road.
On Saturday afternoon after lunch Penny and Johnny spent about 8 hours with out a break in your room looking through your things, your mum and dad's things...and especially being touched in many ways by your writing.
Penny picked out one sentence to read to us from all the hundreds of pages...after some tensions he wrote.
' I love Helen Penny Johnny and David'
You knew in the end love is all that matters -of course there were tensions especially in the early days....but love especially a parents love rises above all the nonsense in the great scheme of things, Those tensions all die away and all you are left with is love love love.
St Exupery said 'what is essential is invisible to the eye' I think he meant love.
Penny and Johnny and I got very close. I know you would love to see that..it was not always so easy...it takes time to love really love.
We were all sad on Sunday morning when they had to leave...in the end with just a few things....six green glasses...two for each of your children...you would like that.
I stayed on till 29th it was hard after the warmth of our time together..and facing into your birthday on 28th....it rained and rained and rained then gales blew hailstones crashed on top of Castalla....felt like the weather was reflecting my feelings..on your birthday we had flashing lightning and rolls of thunder....were you there....?
I left on 29th to come back to Liverpool after leaving the house looking lovely- and a lovely walk round Castalla with Sofi Frank and Edith...in the sunshine.
As ever the neighbours came to say farewell- they are so so special.
I got home at midnight ...as ever nice to be home the flat looked well....welcoming.
On September 30th had a call from Anne she was quite distressed to tell me that on 29th September Anita set herself on fire when lighting candles,,,,,Philip tried to put out the fire and his hands are badly burned....I felt shaken and speechless....what in gods name can you say or do.
Anita is in hospital and will not get home again....Philip was in for a few days but could well be out now..I don't know...no one is hearing anything.I totally understand this,,,,the family must be in a dreadful state...it is one thing preparing to lose your wife and mother from the horror of a brain tumour but this is too horrific. I feel helpless...and all I can wish from my dear friend of thirty five years...is a swift end and hope she is well sedated..
I have been struggling to recover from all the emotion of Castalla and hearing the worst news about Anita....could not eat...just a little chocolate or cake seemed to go down everything else made me feel nausea...a bit like it was when you were really ill and in hospital...food would not go down at all.
Happily I had a date with Andrew and Lucy to go to see Odyssey at the Everyman I love the Everyman the play was not as good as we hoped but got us talking none the less which good theatre and art are meant to do. It was the same director as A Midsummer Nights dream...I hated that play...this was much better.
We met at The Penfactory which I love had some nice food , a little for me, a few glasses of wine and a good catch up..never enough time.
The evening helped ground me...made me get dressed up and get into town.
On October 1st...I went into town after a long chat with Lynn and Mandy our cleaning woman...taught them a little stress management and quoted you,,,, they seemed to feel helped which was nice to see...like old times.
I had breakfast at Fact had my Ipad and did some emailing..felt quite cool joining in what a lot of folk around me were doing.
I then went to Radley and bought myself a beautiful purse form you, for my birthday.
as you know a lot of my things come from vintage and charity shops....but this was a real treat...the purse which I have been looking at for a while cost £75 aghhhhhh.
I needed a treat after all the emotion...so went for it...and to my great astonishment...it was reduced to £50 I was inordinately happy. I had a lovely chat with the two young staff in there -one reminded so much of my nephew Matthew -the other young woman was down from Aberdeen learning the ropes...I ended up telling them a bit of the history of Bold Street and about the three photographers that were there at the time cameras came in taking over for portrait painters..
They were happy to hear all this and when I left the young man ( Matthew) said please come back in anytime you are passing and tell me more about Liverpool history. It was a lovely moment...all the stuff I told them I learnt from you my love.
So now for a quiet weekend......I have lots of cards for my birthday and I still have them up...I keep getting more...yesterday I got one from Sophie and Nick and Lola...a belated one...one of my favourites is from Rob and Paul the famous picture of the police cone on the statue of a man on a horse in George Square ,I think...this year all the cards feel special people say lovely things very aware this is the first birthday without you....Marie even sent me a card on your birthday too.....with a hug....all beautiful and very emotional.....sadness and joy the opposite sides of the same coin.
I love you John always have always will.....still trying to figure out how to live with out you....but I am ok, I grieve I mourn......I breath in I breath out I get up in the morning I go to bed at night....I love the stars the trees the swans....I went to see them when I came home it was fantastic to see them again...cygnets are swan size now but still quite grey...while I was squatting taking picture of them in the late afternoon light..two Canada geese came and stood right beside me. I thought they were making friends..but it turns out there were crumbs right there...still it was great to be so close to them.
TT Helen xx
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