Hello darling
I am home from Castalla now, once again it was sad and heartbreaking.
The house looks lovely you would love to see all the changes- the first day I went shopping and got all the beds made up.Penny and Johnny arrived on my birthday ,it was special, we sat on the balcony drank some of the 1.65 sparkling wine which is still wonderful...had a lovely meal and drank some of the '99 ' we talked a lot about you, shared our memories remembered the Marie Curie raised a glass to Andrew and Lucy who raised over £2000 in your name for Marie Curie.
On Saturday morning we walked through the market in beautiful sunshine Johnny bought some sunglasses Penny chatted to everyone she is really up for speaking languages, such a communicator.
We had coffee and Toasadas in El Jardin the cafe we like under the Castle on the main road.
On Saturday afternoon after lunch Penny and Johnny spent about 8 hours with out a break in your room looking through your things, your mum and dad's things...and especially being touched in many ways by your writing.
Penny picked out one sentence to read to us from all the hundreds of pages...after some tensions he wrote.
' I love Helen Penny Johnny and David'
You knew in the end love is all that matters -of course there were tensions especially in the early days....but love especially a parents love rises above all the nonsense in the great scheme of things, Those tensions all die away and all you are left with is love love love.
St Exupery said 'what is essential is invisible to the eye' I think he meant love.
Penny and Johnny and I got very close. I know you would love to see that..it was not always so easy...it takes time to love really love.
We were all sad on Sunday morning when they had to leave...in the end with just a few things....six green glasses...two for each of your children...you would like that.
I stayed on till 29th it was hard after the warmth of our time together..and facing into your birthday on 28th....it rained and rained and rained then gales blew hailstones crashed on top of Castalla....felt like the weather was reflecting my feelings..on your birthday we had flashing lightning and rolls of thunder....were you there....?
I left on 29th to come back to Liverpool after leaving the house looking lovely- and a lovely walk round Castalla with Sofi Frank and Edith...in the sunshine.
As ever the neighbours came to say farewell- they are so so special.
I got home at midnight ...as ever nice to be home the flat looked well....welcoming.
On September 30th had a call from Anne she was quite distressed to tell me that on 29th September Anita set herself on fire when lighting candles,,,,,Philip tried to put out the fire and his hands are badly burned....I felt shaken and speechless....what in gods name can you say or do.
Anita is in hospital and will not get home again....Philip was in for a few days but could well be out now..I don't know...no one is hearing anything.I totally understand this,,,,the family must be in a dreadful state...it is one thing preparing to lose your wife and mother from the horror of a brain tumour but this is too horrific. I feel helpless...and all I can wish from my dear friend of thirty five years...is a swift end and hope she is well sedated..
I have been struggling to recover from all the emotion of Castalla and hearing the worst news about Anita....could not eat...just a little chocolate or cake seemed to go down everything else made me feel nausea...a bit like it was when you were really ill and in hospital...food would not go down at all.
Happily I had a date with Andrew and Lucy to go to see Odyssey at the Everyman I love the Everyman the play was not as good as we hoped but got us talking none the less which good theatre and art are meant to do. It was the same director as A Midsummer Nights dream...I hated that play...this was much better.
We met at The Penfactory which I love had some nice food , a little for me, a few glasses of wine and a good catch up..never enough time.
The evening helped ground me...made me get dressed up and get into town.
On October 1st...I went into town after a long chat with Lynn and Mandy our cleaning woman...taught them a little stress management and quoted you,,,, they seemed to feel helped which was nice to see...like old times.
I had breakfast at Fact had my Ipad and did some emailing..felt quite cool joining in what a lot of folk around me were doing.
I then went to Radley and bought myself a beautiful purse form you, for my birthday.
as you know a lot of my things come from vintage and charity shops....but this was a real treat...the purse which I have been looking at for a while cost £75 aghhhhhh.
I needed a treat after all the emotion...so went for it...and to my great astonishment...it was reduced to £50 I was inordinately happy. I had a lovely chat with the two young staff in there -one reminded so much of my nephew Matthew -the other young woman was down from Aberdeen learning the ropes...I ended up telling them a bit of the history of Bold Street and about the three photographers that were there at the time cameras came in taking over for portrait painters..
They were happy to hear all this and when I left the young man ( Matthew) said please come back in anytime you are passing and tell me more about Liverpool history. It was a lovely moment...all the stuff I told them I learnt from you my love.
So now for a quiet weekend......I have lots of cards for my birthday and I still have them up...I keep getting more...yesterday I got one from Sophie and Nick and Lola...a belated one...one of my favourites is from Rob and Paul the famous picture of the police cone on the statue of a man on a horse in George Square ,I think...this year all the cards feel special people say lovely things very aware this is the first birthday without you....Marie even sent me a card on your birthday too.....with a hug....all beautiful and very emotional.....sadness and joy the opposite sides of the same coin.
I love you John always have always will.....still trying to figure out how to live with out you....but I am ok, I grieve I mourn......I breath in I breath out I get up in the morning I go to bed at night....I love the stars the trees the swans....I went to see them when I came home it was fantastic to see them again...cygnets are swan size now but still quite grey...while I was squatting taking picture of them in the late afternoon light..two Canada geese came and stood right beside me. I thought they were making friends..but it turns out there were crumbs right there...still it was great to be so close to them.
TT Helen xx
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