Hello darling
how I wish you were here, it would be good to talk, good to go out for a coffee, out for a glass of wine to the cricket club, have dinner in Host, go on the Ferry, have lunch at the Tate.
Since I last wrote to you Anita has died, in my fantasy , you know this and you have seen her, magical thinking .
I don't really believe Anita is dead....just away in Israel, I often did not see her if she was away or I was away, but when we were both here I saw her every week, and text almost every day.
Philip's hands are still being treated for burns, but he is on the mend....I hoped to see him this week, but he has put it off till next week, so we will see how he is.
I had a wonderful time with Anne and Henry, I love their home in Whitstable, we can make a cup of tea jn their kitchen then walk across the road to the beach and drink it..
We had a lovely ceremony for Anita at the time her funeral took place in Liverpool.
We played My Love is Like a Red Red Rose which was poignant on so many levels, I could hear you singing it in my head...and Eddie Reader and Kenneth Mc Keller Anita like Kenneth Mc Keller.
Anne wrote a poem for Anita " Bird of Paradise" she really captured the essence of Anita.Henry read a bit from Anita's book.I read a letter that I wrote to Anita sharing highlights and memories of our 35 year friendship....it was a lovely hour.
The believe it or not we went to see Othello hot from the Edinburgh Festival and all woman cast...very very well done.
I think if the day had not been so traumatic, the play might have been devastating...as it was it was a good distraction and we were able to have a cerebral discussion about jealousy and betrayal , you would have enjoyed being at a Shakespeare play at the University of Canterbury.
Anne and Henry were so generous and welcoming, great food, a little wine, cosy bedroom, lots of deep and meaningfuls, lots of memories of you and a few walk on the beach and lunches and coffees around Whitstable.
I then went of to Staffordshire for a beautiful very different family weekend. with Andrew Lucy Wendy Sophie Lola, and Nick dipped in.
We were in a beautiful old refurbished coach house very spacious warm family friendly place in the heart of Staffordshire.
Again lovely food lots of wine, good company, lovely gifts for Wendy and I..I am happy to tell you I bought myself a beautiful cream Radley purse from you for my birthday....a large one....I loved the small one but it was almost as expensive as the big one.....I tell you this because most unexpectedly Andrew and Lucy bought me the small on amongst other things for my birthday..I was very touched and surprised, as they had already treated us to the weekend away.
I fell for Shugborough Estate....the seat of Lord Litchfield...remember the dashing photographer Patrick Litchfield ,his home.
I loved touring the stables, kitchen.laundry, school room, and seeing the clothes they wore...all fascinated me. I hope I can go back and see the big house and Patrick Litchfields photographs.
I missed you while I was there....you would have loved the place too.....we have raised a beautiful family....so my darling,in spite of all the difficulties at the beginning..... we did well....we always worried they would be" F----D up" we certainly felt we were at times.Fear not all is well.
Johnny is missing you and finding life difficult but he is talking about it, admitting it, taking some time out to grieve, I am in touch all the time...as I am with Penny, she too is struggling, could do with some space to grieve for you and Maureen.
Of course David is going through this too but I don't see it, he sends me touching emails from time to time saying how he feels, telling me how much he appreciates me. It is precious.
Andrew misses you ...I think setting up the just giving page, and running the half marathon was a way of showing that .I know it touched him and Lucy quite deeply. I often feel sad for him when the three of us get together for dinner especially here.....you two used to have such merry banter.
You are a much loved man.
Philip talks about you when we talk, it is too hard to talk at a deep level when he is in Beijing but he often notices what I am doing and will comment " that must have been tough" or " how are you feeling about that'
I promised you that I would take care of them, and I am , doing my best, Penny worries that I have enough, but I have time to grieve for you my love, I can shut the world and demands out, I can talk to you here, talk to my counsellor, and I have wonderful friends, and Andrew and Lucy are fab, I can have fun with them, see plays movies, eat nice food.
I don't have to pour out my grief on them now, I have a good varied life and lots of different folk who meet different needs, including my need to be useful to help to care to make a difference, even now that matters to me.....on the good days :-)
I am seeing a couple of clients. Ran a great workshop last Saturday with Artist's Way alumni as Marie calls it..Creative cluster I call it....on November 7th I have seven new people starting an introduction....I feel a little spark of excitement coming back into my heart.
I felt especially sad when the old table was taken away to a new home last week-cause you loved that table...but it is time for some changes...I have a smaller ikea table now, but the leaves pull out so we can have a big family group too. I am awaiting a new couch from Utility....big changes here....but my dear beloved John.....one thing will never change...my huge love and gratitude for you in my life...I feel less desperate....less despairing.....less like wanting to go to sleep and not wakening up....but the love is as big and deep as ever it was....
this verse of the poem I asked Kev to read at your funeral springs to mind...
And the days will pass with baffled faces
then the weeks ,then the months,
then there will be a day when no question is asked,
and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
and the puffed faces will calm.
And on that day he will not have ceased
but will have ceased to be separated by death.
it is true that the separation I felt at the beginning , was HUGE that is why it is so painful....and I know from experience I will visit that place again from time to time over the rest of my life.....but I do feel you are close now...we are not separated ..we will always be together.
As Philip often said. " same old slippers
same old rice
same old glimpse of paradise" I love you John..TT
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