Hogmanay 2015

Darling John

I am home in Ullet Road after a very busy loving happy sad time away in Castlenel and Cambridge with all of our children their partners and grand children.

It was wonderful to see and hug and kiss Philip once again...he is as handsome and filled with wonder as ever he was.

He is enjoying Beijing and life as an Ex Pat I think he will be there for a while yet- some things might encourage him to move but if not he is OK.

My worry is the pollution; he has had a close shave with Sarcoidosous (?)  he had a clean bill of health when he left here. I worry that the pollution will damage his lungs irrevocably ; I mentioned this to him,but of course no one believes bad things can happen to them.he has bought a mask, not the best one though.

Castlenel looks well all the new things improve the kitchen.We decorated in for Christmas and it looked very festive very beautiful. So much of our history is over there in boxes and in memories.

We lit the advent tree on Christmas eve...and I/we remembered you my love.


All the food and the gifts and Castalla were beautiful - we all went to Benidorm on Boxing Day to see Star Wars -The Force Awakens.I enjoyed it all over again, maybe even more.

I felt so sad saying farewell to Philip ,he was looking forward to the arrival on Neil after I left.

I had a beautiful warm welcome in Cambridge, the house was festive with lights candles , the children were all going off to bed, but were able to come to say night night to Yaya..Kate was allowed to stay up later ; she has come out of her shell and wore the beautiful dress I bought her, and she did a great dance, and played her favourite song. which Steve and Penny joined in." A Letter to my future Husband" very funny and funky -you would laugh too.

Lots of hugs from children, J&E- P&S ---after a while D&L arrived more hugs and love.

We had mackerel ,smoked salmon and nibbles round the fire....I gave out Philip's gifts, then the Sweetpeas- and the book that I had got made of your research on Bold Street.I think you would be pleased about that- it was emotional they were all touched, and we all cried.

We then had a beautiful meal made by Ellie, seared tuna and mash and a beautiful salad...

after dinner all your children talked a lot about you, their love for you, we all shared our memories, sang songs, Johnny read the speech you wrote for our 20th wedding anniversary.David and Penny sang a very beautiful song which took them a bit of time to get right, and it was worth it ,it was beautiful.Lara sang Scarborough Fair.

Lots of emotion that night....beautiful and sad too- you are such a loss to all of us, A&L&P too.


After saying farewell to J&E and co I went out for a walk and lunch by the river with D&L-great to have that time with them to catch up and check out how they really are....and really they are struggling, life work balance not great, diet not too good ,they hope to work on that soon, I will keep an eye on them, send wee nudges from time to time.

Never the less it was fantastic to spend time with them and make plans for a trip to visit with them before they head to Shanghi - if that is what they do.


I had dinner with P&S that night. a lovely yummy takeaway, and we had a deep and meaningful conversation, about their lives and plans.

On the 29th Kate took me to Hot Numbers for a coffee- I was so touched that is what she decided to do with the money I sent her for Christmas...coffee and cakes together.

So my beloved husband- I have lived for one whole year without you...I did not think I could do that last year at this time -I remember thinking a month would be impossible. With the help of my sisters friends, family, our wonderful Lightmans, and in particular A&L who are the closest geographically of course.I am here at hogmanay 2015 a whole year that you have not lived in....except of course in our hearts.


I am going out tonight to the Phil to a Frank Sinatra birthday concert...he would have been 100 this year.I am going with Andrew :-)

I will keep the tree up till 12th night as is our tradition....I am having a wee gathering a last hurrah for Christmas on January 3rd, Patsy and Kev will be here.....sadly no Anita this year, B&C are away as are Liz and Phil....maybe A&L will come and I will ask Tony and M&M.....I miss you John, you loved all this festive stuff...I did/do -not so much without you...but I will keep the traditions going in your honour.

I wonder where you are-will I ever see you again...? what a great thing that would be....I want to let you go, as it said in the poem, love me remember me and let me go....I have let you go in some ways,in other ways I am holding on....maybe by next year at this time...I will let go more...maybe stop this blog as I did for pa...after two years.

As this year grows to a close- "you are in my heart you are in my soul you'll be my breath when I grow old "

I love you..TT...Helen ;  talk next year x

Travelling to Castalla !

Darling John

I am leaving for Castalla to-day...I will miss you here..and miss you again in Castlenel.

I am very excited about seeing Philip again...to actually see him and touch him and hug him....amazing.

I have lots to look forward to over Christmas with dear Andrew and Lucy who have been towers of strength this year- seeing Philip- seeing the new thing sin Castlenel....and being a little family for a few days- with Phil there too.

Then to spend time with all your dear children  their partners and the  grandchildren....I will be with them on the evening of 27th and the morning of 28th -your one year anniversary....I simply cannot believe that I have lived almost a year with out you my sweet love.

I will tell you all about it when I am back in my sanctuary Ullet Road...


I love you now -I loved you then -I love you always....my love is indeed like a red red rose newly sprung in June....as vibrant as ever it was.

" so deep in love am I"

Forever and always....Helen...TT...xx

The Force Awakens

Hello darling John


as ever I miss you...and I have been busy.

Enjoying the new Artist's Way group...I have had two half days with the group with a view to starting  our course of workshops on January 14th -a Thursday- and The Creative Cluster...the alumni are with me again on a Monday evening.

I am seeing two clients still people who have been with me for years on and off since I came back to Liverpool. I supervise Brian which I enjoy.

I did a three hour intro to inner child with one young woman last week...it was very successful but wow three hours one on one..all that concentration..I was wiped out after....to think I used to see six folk a day in Ireland.

I love the work ..but need to keep the balance right as I get older I find it takes more out of me.

I need to work too....for my soul...I like making a difference in people's lives- it is my gift and it is a privilege,


I need to fill up the hole in my life since you left me....and work helps..just enough.

I went to a celebration of Anita's life with the Adlerian society on Monday evening..it was a beautiful tribute to my dear Anita and Nina was there I felt so proud of her she was dignified and so real...like her mum,she is such a beautiful young woman in all ways she said she felt uplifted by all the stories about Anita.I understand that totally that is how I feel when folk talk about you.

I still post on your facebook site...write to you here....talk to you at the Beech tree...and to your picture...if I have a glass of wine I always toast your picture. --silently --if I think people with think I am crazy.

I went to the Metropolitan Cathedral a few weeks ago...a celebration of the work of Marie Curie and we lit candles for our loved one...you in my case, I also thought of Anita and my auntie Isa.


It was very moving with beautiful poems ,music and songs and the helpers came in at the end carrying daffodils,,,that made me cry.

Dear John Christmas is not the same without you...I decorated the tree by myself....actually it was ok..comforting...memories with each decoration...and the music- we were very happy...very lucky-I am thankful for that my dear love.


I saw Patsy yesterday///they are up to their eyes in dust and much from the builders in their new home...but she is philosophical about it.as they are away for Christmas.

I love those two....hope to see more of them next year.....the house is looking festive, tree books music, new sofa .new floor lamp..old fireplace gone and the tv on the wall....I wonder what you would make of it all.


I was at the doctor this morning...all ok she gave me some cream for a rash I have had since Halloween, kept thinking it would just go...but it did not.


Dishwasher guy just left...fourth visit....looks like they need to take it away to look at it in the workshop...thank goodness I am away for nine days over Christmas.

The big news everywhere is the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens opens today,in fact they showed it at one minute past midnight in all the cinemas...it is going to be on 24/7 for weeks.

Happily Andrew and Lucy invited me to go with them tomorrow night...aren't they great- I was thinking of going tonight or tomorrow afternoon to fact....but this is great we are going to the Odeon in town tickets...cost an arm and a leg..so it must be special.

I love you darling I miss you...love you always and forever,,,Helen T.T. xx

December - return from Dubai and Scotland.

Hello darling John


where are you...where are you...?

I miss you so much I wish I could sleep through December and January....not something I have ever felt before...this season is all about joy joy happiness good will and I love all that  normally but it is in such sharp contrast to my sad lost lonely feelings inside.

I often wonder what I need to get me through this....of course it is you my love.

I feel I have done well- lived through this for eleven months.....surely I deserve the reward of seeing you again.....I dreamt about you last night....I could see you but I could not reach you and you looked sad there was a tear in your eyes.Was that projection on my part? probably was.

I am going to the Metropolitan cathedral today to a service of light and remembrance it is run by Marie Curie.....I am going to remember and honour you my love..I hoped A&L would be with me....but they have other plans.....I was going to ask Liz or Maz or Celia and Brian...P&K but I will go alone......and be with you and my thoughts of you during that time.

I heard my first piece of Christmas music in Balloch it broke my heart.....I sat with you all through advent-- until 28th last year- with classic FM on quietly in the background.....all Christmas music....will I ever be able to listen to it again with out memories of that precious time with you.....as you died The First Noel was playing.

I think if I did not have to think of others I would baton down the hatches....and stay quietly here this year for Christmas...just me and my beloved Radio 4...my Christmas movies....and Sefton park,,,,,with the odd trip to Fact for a movie and or a coffee.....heaven.


But onwards and upwards....I am off to Castalla then London.....seeing Philip is giving me heart for it......and David and Lara too of course.


Obviously seeing all the children is a wonderful thing at Christmas....it is the travelling that is so tiring.....as I get older I find the recovery time is longer...if only I had a big house on the banks of Loch Lomond or Loch ?Fyne....and they could all come to me.....I would of course have servants in this fantasy world..

I am not really enjoying cooking or baking any more I hope it is temporary ,if I am honest I simply can't be bothered...cooking or eating much....a sandwich and a cup of tea...is enough.

Making the effort to enjoy the food....is hard for me right now...I think my appetite has shrunk...I think I need you to feed me.....you gave me an interest in food you took time made the effort..just for me..I made the effort just for you...

Now it is an occasionally thing to cook and bake and it is an effort..for the first time in decades I have not made Christmas cake Dundee cake....Christmas chocolate squares....I bought Christmas cards rather than make them......and have not filled up the advent calendar or bought any for the children and grand children.

I can't be bothered .....but I am accepting myself...and hoping I am not being judged....who is this imaginary person who is judging me? only me....the worst enemy.

I miss you dear sweet John..you took little to do with all the Christmas fuss..but you enjoyed me taking part and gave me encouragement..and that is missing....no one to share it all with...to show the gifts too- to taste the cakes...to admire the packages and the tree......I have a tree.....but not got it up yet..I need Andrew to put it on a stand....and I want to wait till December 12th and my course is over till I do that....we always did that together....and last year Philip helped me.....this year....will I do it alone.....probably ... just go through the motions..until one year ..it is fun again...rituals are important...you reminded me of that...if you are out there somewhere....surround me with a shield against this sorrow somehow......yet sorrow and grief are my last gift you you.....mourning is for both of us...I love you I will always love you.......TT.....Helen x