December - return from Dubai and Scotland.

Hello darling John


where are you...where are you...?

I miss you so much I wish I could sleep through December and January....not something I have ever felt before...this season is all about joy joy happiness good will and I love all that  normally but it is in such sharp contrast to my sad lost lonely feelings inside.

I often wonder what I need to get me through this....of course it is you my love.

I feel I have done well- lived through this for eleven months.....surely I deserve the reward of seeing you again.....I dreamt about you last night....I could see you but I could not reach you and you looked sad there was a tear in your eyes.Was that projection on my part? probably was.

I am going to the Metropolitan cathedral today to a service of light and remembrance it is run by Marie Curie.....I am going to remember and honour you my love..I hoped A&L would be with me....but they have other plans.....I was going to ask Liz or Maz or Celia and Brian...P&K but I will go alone......and be with you and my thoughts of you during that time.

I heard my first piece of Christmas music in Balloch it broke my heart.....I sat with you all through advent-- until 28th last year- with classic FM on quietly in the background.....all Christmas music....will I ever be able to listen to it again with out memories of that precious time with you.....as you died The First Noel was playing.

I think if I did not have to think of others I would baton down the hatches....and stay quietly here this year for Christmas...just me and my beloved Radio 4...my Christmas movies....and Sefton park,,,,,with the odd trip to Fact for a movie and or a coffee.....heaven.


But onwards and upwards....I am off to Castalla then London.....seeing Philip is giving me heart for it......and David and Lara too of course.


Obviously seeing all the children is a wonderful thing at Christmas....it is the travelling that is so tiring.....as I get older I find the recovery time is longer...if only I had a big house on the banks of Loch Lomond or Loch ?Fyne....and they could all come to me.....I would of course have servants in this fantasy world..

I am not really enjoying cooking or baking any more I hope it is temporary ,if I am honest I simply can't be bothered...cooking or eating much....a sandwich and a cup of tea...is enough.

Making the effort to enjoy the food....is hard for me right now...I think my appetite has shrunk...I think I need you to feed me.....you gave me an interest in food you took time made the effort..just for me..I made the effort just for you...

Now it is an occasionally thing to cook and bake and it is an effort..for the first time in decades I have not made Christmas cake Dundee cake....Christmas chocolate squares....I bought Christmas cards rather than make them......and have not filled up the advent calendar or bought any for the children and grand children.

I can't be bothered .....but I am accepting myself...and hoping I am not being judged....who is this imaginary person who is judging me? only me....the worst enemy.

I miss you dear sweet John..you took little to do with all the Christmas fuss..but you enjoyed me taking part and gave me encouragement..and that is missing....no one to share it all with...to show the gifts too- to taste the cakes...to admire the packages and the tree......I have a tree.....but not got it up yet..I need Andrew to put it on a stand....and I want to wait till December 12th and my course is over till I do that....we always did that together....and last year Philip helped me.....this year....will I do it alone.....probably ... just go through the motions..until one year ..it is fun again...rituals are important...you reminded me of that...if you are out there somewhere....surround me with a shield against this sorrow somehow......yet sorrow and grief are my last gift you you.....mourning is for both of us...I love you I will always love you.......TT.....Helen x