Hogmanay 2015

Darling John

I am home in Ullet Road after a very busy loving happy sad time away in Castlenel and Cambridge with all of our children their partners and grand children.

It was wonderful to see and hug and kiss Philip once again...he is as handsome and filled with wonder as ever he was.

He is enjoying Beijing and life as an Ex Pat I think he will be there for a while yet- some things might encourage him to move but if not he is OK.

My worry is the pollution; he has had a close shave with Sarcoidosous (?)  he had a clean bill of health when he left here. I worry that the pollution will damage his lungs irrevocably ; I mentioned this to him,but of course no one believes bad things can happen to them.he has bought a mask, not the best one though.

Castlenel looks well all the new things improve the kitchen.We decorated in for Christmas and it looked very festive very beautiful. So much of our history is over there in boxes and in memories.

We lit the advent tree on Christmas eve...and I/we remembered you my love.


All the food and the gifts and Castalla were beautiful - we all went to Benidorm on Boxing Day to see Star Wars -The Force Awakens.I enjoyed it all over again, maybe even more.

I felt so sad saying farewell to Philip ,he was looking forward to the arrival on Neil after I left.

I had a beautiful warm welcome in Cambridge, the house was festive with lights candles , the children were all going off to bed, but were able to come to say night night to Yaya..Kate was allowed to stay up later ; she has come out of her shell and wore the beautiful dress I bought her, and she did a great dance, and played her favourite song. which Steve and Penny joined in." A Letter to my future Husband" very funny and funky -you would laugh too.

Lots of hugs from children, J&E- P&S ---after a while D&L arrived more hugs and love.

We had mackerel ,smoked salmon and nibbles round the fire....I gave out Philip's gifts, then the Sweetpeas- and the book that I had got made of your research on Bold Street.I think you would be pleased about that- it was emotional they were all touched, and we all cried.

We then had a beautiful meal made by Ellie, seared tuna and mash and a beautiful salad...

after dinner all your children talked a lot about you, their love for you, we all shared our memories, sang songs, Johnny read the speech you wrote for our 20th wedding anniversary.David and Penny sang a very beautiful song which took them a bit of time to get right, and it was worth it ,it was beautiful.Lara sang Scarborough Fair.

Lots of emotion that night....beautiful and sad too- you are such a loss to all of us, A&L&P too.


After saying farewell to J&E and co I went out for a walk and lunch by the river with D&L-great to have that time with them to catch up and check out how they really are....and really they are struggling, life work balance not great, diet not too good ,they hope to work on that soon, I will keep an eye on them, send wee nudges from time to time.

Never the less it was fantastic to spend time with them and make plans for a trip to visit with them before they head to Shanghi - if that is what they do.


I had dinner with P&S that night. a lovely yummy takeaway, and we had a deep and meaningful conversation, about their lives and plans.

On the 29th Kate took me to Hot Numbers for a coffee- I was so touched that is what she decided to do with the money I sent her for Christmas...coffee and cakes together.

So my beloved husband- I have lived for one whole year without you...I did not think I could do that last year at this time -I remember thinking a month would be impossible. With the help of my sisters friends, family, our wonderful Lightmans, and in particular A&L who are the closest geographically of course.I am here at hogmanay 2015 a whole year that you have not lived in....except of course in our hearts.


I am going out tonight to the Phil to a Frank Sinatra birthday concert...he would have been 100 this year.I am going with Andrew :-)

I will keep the tree up till 12th night as is our tradition....I am having a wee gathering a last hurrah for Christmas on January 3rd, Patsy and Kev will be here.....sadly no Anita this year, B&C are away as are Liz and Phil....maybe A&L will come and I will ask Tony and M&M.....I miss you John, you loved all this festive stuff...I did/do -not so much without you...but I will keep the traditions going in your honour.

I wonder where you are-will I ever see you again...? what a great thing that would be....I want to let you go, as it said in the poem, love me remember me and let me go....I have let you go in some ways,in other ways I am holding on....maybe by next year at this time...I will let go more...maybe stop this blog as I did for pa...after two years.

As this year grows to a close- "you are in my heart you are in my soul you'll be my breath when I grow old "

I love you..TT...Helen ;  talk next year x