23 February 2016

Hello darling John

Yesterday I celebrated the 33 rd anniversary or our meeting by going on the Mersey Ferry and having lunch at The Tate ( a cheese toastie)for you .
I enjoyed the day which was greatly helped by beautiful blue skies and sunshine . I remembered our wedding day as well as reliving our meeting day - I was especially thinking of the coffees and lunches we had in the Tate's previous coffee shop which I preferred it was upstairs with a view over the water.
I am doing ok , miss you wish we could have wee chats . I imagine that you can hear  the thoughts in my head when I talk to you .
Johnny said to me in a text that he has daffodils all through the house in your honour - I am sure he will be telling the children of the daffodils abounding the day he was born - as I retell Andrew the story of The Wonder of You - the first song I heard after he was born - The traditions of telling our family history goes on i have started writing a few stories about you , us ,for the grand children - children too . It matters to me and I imagine to them too, even if not now, in time. I bought myself a beginners art book at Tate and a raincoat that you can keep in your bag - I will think of you when I wear it as  it was bought on 23/2 ❤️
Sam and Richard are not too well I will light candles for them and hold a good thought for them and Roy too . Life requires us to be strong  enough to face the tough things the hard diagnosis and challenges and conversely embrace the wonder of life and folk that we love and the beauty and joy all around us . It is easy for the sea saw of life to be weighted in one direction or the other - staying too much with the tough things and awfulising life or avoiding the hard things and being a Pollyanna all the time . Balance is the secret flowing between all life's experiences openly and being genuine .
Ok enough philosophy - how about this I pronounce Eco - echo - is that a Scottish thing ? Or because of the Eco park in castalla - and does it really matter ?

I talked to Phil about getting the house in the boys names before we die as it will be a right fankle for the boys to sort out after we are gone .I was expecting a some resistance but surprisingly - he agreed to look into it. . I want to leave things in order it is so hard to face loss without all the practical things that have to be dealt with . I would like to have things so that they know what is what and what my wishes are .
I like to think that when I die I will be with you again - it is a nice idea- like the Christmas story !

 I wonder what I will be up to on our 34 th anniversary ' if I am spared' as mum would say.

Love forever - TT Helen x

Martha's birthday !

Hello John
Today is Martha's third birthday - you were so happy when she was born and you loved her and she loved you as little as she was she lit up when she saw you .
She had a lovely birthday feeding ducks in regent park 🤗 I sent her a doll with lots of cloths to change about and a little set of crayons in a little case with a handle .
It was Lucy's birthday on 19th we had her celebration on 20 th she enjoyed it all although The Quarter let us down - the service was bad and Lucy's food was disappointing- but we still enjoyed each other's company Liz and Phil were with us - we came back here for desserts - I set the table before I left with our new purple table cloth and placemats and new white napkins - I have lots of fairy lights candles and the place looked well- I made polish cake - Victoria sponge and sachertotre- we had  ice cream and double cream - and a selection of childhood sweets - and of course lots of lovely gifts - I put a photo of us with Philip on our wedding day as a book mark in one of Lucy's books - so that you and Philip were herein our  hearts and thoughts!

 Tomorrow  is the 33 red anniversary of our meeting - I am going to Tate for lunch then a trip on the ferry to honour the day - love you miss you

Helen TT

Valentines Day

Darling John , as I said before ,

I feel stronger now, less likely to crumple at the drop of a hat, I described this to a friend as, the gaping hole in my middle is being filled in with lots of beautiful colours, and each colour is a memory of  you dear John and a delightful one too. 

However I did crumple a little on Valentine's day - I went to Fact to see You Got Mail-- deliberately avoiding Casablanca-  your favourite film. Only to be confronted with lots lovers going into the" box" together,  red cushions on the settees and chocolates being handed out by lovely people wishing us happy valentines day....I did MISS you my darling John at LOT at that moment.I can honestly say though I did like to see so many folk in love  _ I heard a woman on the radio who said she felt resentment ,she has also lost her husband, that is sad. We have had out time, and now other people are having their time.I celebrate love in all forms. This beautiful blue  planet hanging in the awesome universe could use a lot more love in it.We have so much to be grateful for and so many folk miss it they are so filled with rage and anger.

I have been out and about at the cinema, the Philharmonic, and tonight I am going to the Empire with Philip Cantor to see the ballet Sleeping Beauty.I think it will be wonderful.

This week I finished two of my six week courses they have both been really worthwhile; and exciting to see the movement in my students.

I have kept in touch with all your children partners; and grandchildren, who I am growing to love a lot, 

They all have busy lives , time passes and then I hear from one of them and it lifts my spirits,  I hope to visit Penny and Johnny in the spring, David not so sure when maybe the autumn.I feel sure the are happy for me to be in their lives, they are so loving and encourage me to visit and that feels good and true.

We are all busy folk and our intentions  are good when you don't live close by you get caught up in what is in front of you, and as you know I always say, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with.

Philip is happy and in love ( I think) certainly enjoying the joys of the early stages of getting to know another person, and I hear less from him, and I am ok with that because his is doing what he is meant to be doing ,living life, they all are.

I see a lot of Andrew and Lucy, although Lucy has been very very busy this year and I have only seen her twice this year both times last weekend.she is thriving and glowing her business it growing and doing well, I feel very proud of her,and she is as lovely as ever.

Andrew is amazing he keeps in touch, helps we with all kinds of things  practical and otherwise and we watch the match together go out for a drink together, make plans about entertainment and soon we will plan our trip to dear Julies wedding to Raph,  I feel very included in his life and Lucy's and I think, I am not a burden, they have such rich lives, with friends work and travel, I am a part of their lives, but not in their way, I think about that because I know the people closest to the parents can feel they have a burden on their shoulders.

I know from experience how that can be.

I am in touch with Robert, I love that young man, he and Paul have moved to Bearsden and are so much happier there.

I would like to visit them and Jenny and Qwynneth next time I am in Scotland, I might have a longer trip when I go to Julies wedding and do some catching up with the families. I also miss Inveraray, it has been on my mind a lit lately, I miss being there with dad and with the children when they were young and loving Scoobie Doo and the freedom there.

Darling John I was at your tree the other day I go often, I can still see some you your ashes around the bottom, long may they be there, I remember when I noticed dad's were gone, it made me feel sad again, but them i realised that in the spring he is in the new leaves as you will be this spring and so the cycle of life goes on.

TT 

Turned a corner

Hello darling John


after the sheer desperation I felt over Christmas and your 1st anniversary and three weeks of a bad cough, I feel a lot better.
I think I have turned a corner .I think of you and I feel a warm glow I smile when I look at your picture. Instead if the gut wrenching pain I have been feeling ,the gaping hole in my middle seems to be being coloured in by bright colours which are you in many guises.

We had a wonderful life together a lot of hard times and a lot of spectacular times, I cherish all the memories

Since you went into hospital on September 24th 2014 I have lived alone, and I like it,I like making my own decisions, I like not having to consult, to choose what I want where to go, how I live, what I eat ,which cafe, which movie, which play, which concert.

It is not a comparison, I have loved and cherished all stages of my life; this is the one I am living now and it is good. I have less money that I ever had, but feel in control and better off.


I love you and I always will.....Helen TT