Easter Monday !

Special thoughts with you today darling John, you loved the music of this season of hope and joy - I find it very moving listening to it without you- TT 💐

Good Friday @ Everyman

Hi John
I'm am sitting in the Everyman - upstairs- smelling toast and coffee. It takes me back to the old Everyman cafe - the upstairs one where we often came for breakfast when we were not working - we had toasties which were toasted in the selephane wrap - which we thought was funny.
I have been sad - I finally managed to get to the bank and take your lovely familiar name off the bank accounts - I feel that I am betraying you - somehow- I know you would laugh at me and reassure me - but that is how I have been feeling - I am glad it is done I feel quite proud of myself , a few months ago I did not imagine that I could ever do it. They were very kind to me .
I have to do the same in Ireland but think it will all be done by post . I might ask Andrew to fill in the forms with me - it is less isolating having another human beings' presence when tackling tough things as I found out yesterday at the bank - Tracy even gave me a cup of tea- I don't think I have ever had a cup of tea in a bank ☕️🤗
I still have not received the winter fuel allowance - I have called them three times now- they assure me that it will come in time inshallah ! The hard thing is that as well as you not being here- I now have to do all the things that you did - you were good at patiently dealing with those types of calls and official form filling - I just don't like it- for some reason - I feel quite threatened by the questions - you often laughed at the stupidity of those official things- that comes from confidence - I can feel stupid - sometimes thinking it must be me - where as you thought it must be them- good on you John.
I miss you for many many reasons John- I miss our time together when we were younger and madly in love - I have had the picture that you painted in " calls de farafugel" framed- it is beautiful and picks up the romance of that time .

Love you .......always... TT xx

missing you

Darling John

I am missing you too much, it hurts,

I tried to take your name off the bank accounts, the last thing I have to do and not been able to face.

A few things went wrong so it is still not done but at least I have made a move in that direction.

Fifteen months since you died, and 18th months since I have been on my own. I feel tired a lot of the time this last few weeks, everything s a struggle, Too much change, Anita gone too, I see Philip, and Tony too since he moved back, and I appreciate seeing them both, but it is not the same as Anita and Andrea. And no one can make up for your loss, this hole in the middle of me which I thought had healed up a little and of course it has, just some times I get thrown back to the edge of the abyss.

Andrew and Lucy are in France, I miss them not being at PPM , even though I would not usually see them, I know they are there.


David wanted to talk to me on Sunday but I was out with Rachel wedding dress shopping for her.Which was bitter sweet, she so misses having her mum with her at this important time in her life.

I hope to talk to him soon. Easter week this week, a sad week really if you think of the meaning of it all.

More sorrow in Brussels this morning, terror is every where.A sad loss in Donegal yesterday, a whole family drowned when there car slipped into the water,...and so it goes ......the joys and sorrow of life on this planet...all I feel I can do is be kind to each person I am in contact with ,hoping it is like throwing a stone in a pond, there will be ripples and the ripples will take the kindness further into the world.
I miss you-- today i could just close my eyes and go to sleep and be with you.....

onwards and upwards......TT   .....Helen

Plays and feeling and work

I have seen two plays since I last wrote,Unsung at the Everyman, and the Herbal Garden at The Playhouse.


Two very good very different plays, Unsung wrung me out, about slave ships in Liverpool.

The Herbal Garden you would have loved all about Shakespeares daughter,We all enjoyed it very much.

I am in touch with Philip and Nina they are doing Ok missing Anita but OK, I was at the Adler meeting last night, once again we talked of our memories about Anita and we all said one positive thing in our own lives.

I am enjoying Artist's Way group and a new client who is learnrig all about Inner Child.

I have promised myself to have a few things completed by Easter, including taking your name off the bank accounts, it is so hard, but if I don't do it , it will be another thing for the children to deal with when I am gone.

I can't stand the thought of doing this, maybe because it is the last things that I have to do.

I collected the picture that you drew in Callella de Parafugel in 1989.....from Rennies, --it is beautiful and reminds me of that wonderful three weeks we had, very much in love, drawing painting, talking and talking making plans, making other things too......and lots more painting and drawing and drinking wine and watching the bats and the lighthouse in the evenings on the balcony.

Such a romantic time for us.


I love you John and I miss your lovely presence,

Helen..TT  xx

March winds April showers bring forth May flowers.

March has arrived and with it winds and snow sleet and rain, the flowers too are here the crocuses Daffodils, and my snowdrops that I bought last year at Ness Gardens came up again this year, made me smile to see them.
I hope so much that the fuchsia plants you bought for me will come again this year.
I went to Dobbies with Brain and Celia yesterday to buy an apple tree in your memory . with a voucher for Dobbies that Liz and Phil bought me.
The tree I want, I now know is called a family tree, will be in any day, it grows eating and cooking apples, I need a new pot too. all do -able within the budget which is lovely.

I was very happy and touched to receive in the post yesterday two lovely cards, one is for Nick and Sophie's wedding, the other a beautiful thank you from one of my new students,she said lovely things  about me,and about our love, which amazed me, as she did not know you, and hardly knows me, yet picked up on that, and she says our love has inspired her.

I am so happy to be going to Sophie and Nicks wedding, I have grown very fond of both of them over the years.it will be nice to share in their day and also to share it with Andrew and Lucy too.

I am going to Julie and Raph's wedding too this year their's is in May, I sent some memories to Sandra , memories of Julie over the years including you and the story of the heart from Brussles market.

I will be emotional at the weddings, more at Sophie and Nick's as I will see them getting married, that is such a magic moment for a couple, and of course it brings back memories of our wedding and you hardly able to say the vows you were so emotional.
I went with Julie when she was trying on dresses and that was hard enough, cried at that too....what is that ? happiness for her, expressed in tears, memories of her being born, seeing her growing up, realizing time goes so fast. We had our time and it was amazing, challenging inspiring, hard, easy so varied, and now you are gone, but so close to me in my heart.

Johnny's birthday tomorrow, mother's day too, how will Johnny and Ellie manage that day? who will be the star for the day :-)

I have sent Johnny's gift. and it has arrived safely. I will call him tomorrow, his second birthday without you dear John.

I have set the wheels in motion so that  Castlenel will be left in Andrew and Philip's hands when Phil and I die, hope to make it as simple for them.

I am not being morbid, just if it is all done then I can get on with my life, knowing all is well,

Today I am going to The Playhouse to see A Raisin in the Sun, a play made from a famous book, set in Chicago looking at racism and poverty experienced by three generations of one family.

I feel quite tired, I feel there is a bug in my system, not coming to anything but feeling a little below par...I could easily curl up in bed with my book, but no onwards and upwards.

I sent my cousins Mary and Hugh an email about my day in Ilkley in memory of their dad, my uncle Hughie, and some pictures, I have heard from both of them ,they love to hear how much I loved their parents and remember them.I understand that I love to hear folks talks about my folks, and you, it lifts my spirits.

You are very much around in my head and heart, Penny sent me a picture of the children all dressed up for world book day ready to set off for school.

I said that I remembered us being there last year on that day and the excitement of the children.....then I realized it was two years ago....how time flies.

I love you darling..TT   Helen

February 29th 2016 Ilkley

Hello darling.

I have just come back from lovely walk in the park, and I stopped at yours and dad's tree to say hello and have a wee hug with you both.

Yesterday was leap day , actually it was not I have recently heard that leap day is in fact February 24th.

Anyway I decided to do something on the day that I have been meaning to do for a while, and that would make the day memorable.

I went to Ilkley in honour of my Uncle Hughie, and it is a beautiful place, lovely sandstone buildings, still has lovely wee shops, and beautiful back drop of the hills and the river Wharf running through it.

Max ,Andrew;s friend, met me there and she took me to have a look round her house, which is lovely and she has great plans to restore it and extend it.

We went to the Cow and the Calf, which is a high spot looking over the town and the hills, it was great, if rather windy, I felt quite emotional, even as I arrived in the station, thinking of uncle Hughie, and of course auntie Isa, I am absolutely sure I walked in his footsteps around the town and on the cow and calf.

I had a nice evening with Tony at the Phil we went to see Breabach a fantastic Scottish folk band, I was so delighted to get his take on them as a musician, I just loved them overall, but Tony heard things, brilliant things musically and was enchanted by them. I am pretty sure I am booking a weekend in Glasgow next January for Celtic Connections.


I am going to the Playhouse on Saturday afternoon, to see A Raisin in the Sun.One of my half a dozen things I booked to experience alone.

I miss you darling, I see couples in the park arm in arm out for a walk and I miss you.


I miss you because I need to talk, Philip is in Beijing, and his relationship has finished, and he is upset, and you are the one I tell about those things, you make a cup of tea, and sit me down and chat to me, your pour a glass of wine and chat to me, you take me over to the cricket club so we can talk about it....I miss you, love of my life.

March 1st St David's day to-day. I text David a message for his name day, said that you always talked about him on this date,

He said it meant a lot, as he had been thinking of you and was missing your St David's day message.I am glad I did it.

Much love TT XX