August 1st

hello darling

I miss you, I have been visiting your tree and think about you all the time.

I have been feeling very sad recently, sometimes I think grief gets worse as time goes on. I miss dad I miss Anita I miss my life with my folks and you and friends that have now gone. My only older cousin Peggy Halliday daughter of auntie Frances and Uncle John is dying ,she has lung and brain cancer, she is having treatment but it will only give her a few more months, she is a year older than me.I keep in touch with Frances, my cousin Peggy's sister, but Peggy does not feel like visitors.I totally understand that ,and at the same time I would like to see her one more time.
This time of life you can only go on if you can survive loss, but each loss leaves me with less lustre less of my sparkle.I know I can survive loss, but I still do not have a purpose and i know that is important if I want to enjoy my life, sometimes I just want to close my eyes and be with you where you are, even if that is in the dark nothingness.

I think going on a proper holiday would lift my spirits, but this year, with three weddings to pay for, and my pc died so I got a new laptop, and my kindle died, and i have had the place decorated, and a lot of entertaining to do...all costs money..I will probably visit HK and OZ and maybe Beijing....this will all be good but it is not a holiday in the sense of new experiences,I am visiting with family and friends, maybe I need new experiences, maybe book a flat for six months by the sea over winter when it is less expensive,somewhere to feed my spirit my soul.
I wish we still had the van in Inveraray , close to the lochs and the mountains, and the spirit of my dad.
I notice when my savings diminish I feel more vulnerable, I need to top them up again,yet is it really that,is it my grief, is it my huge sense of loss , is it getting older.

I don't mind getting older, seeing the changes in my body my face my hair, what is a big adjustment is the loss of energy, each time I do something which requires a lot of emotional energy as well as physical energy it takes longer to recover...allowing for that is important, but the dilema for me is that during that time I feel very low tired and am more aware of all the losses...I have things to do which I will enjoy yet I can't be bothered to do them.

I am recovering from a tummy bug so I feel very tired , spent most of this weekend, resting sleeping, and still feel tired.

Margaret is coming over this evening , she has just lost her sister, I can't stand it for her, as I am pretty sure that would finish me off.We are going the hear Jeremy Corbyn at St Georges Plateau

then she is coming back to stay over with me.

I think we are going to do the POA thing on Thursday and that will be another £500 EEK.

I  will be glad when that is paid for then theoretically I will have not more big expenses for a while.inshalla!

I would love you to be here ,to reassure me give me encouragement, although i always dealt with all the finances,  most things in fact,it was so important to have you here in the back ground, just someone knowing what I am up to ,what I find difficult ,when I need , a well done for, appreciate what I do and who I am...and to be able to talk at a deep level about my feeling ,my hopes my fears.

I am good at being a pollyanna and in fact rather enjoy that role, and conversely I need to express the other important parts of me too.

I LOVE YOU MY DARLING HUSBAND...I MISS YOU.....TT