Dear Blog
to-day I went to a meeting at Marie Curie with Andrew and Johnny- a meeting with the health care team who care for John.
I was not sure what to expect- felt quite nervous- in fact for the last few days have had terrible diarrhoea- which has left me shattered and very low physically and emotionally. I think this condition is closely connected with fear- and fear is around- fear about John- for me -for all the children for all who love John.
He has become much weaker- much less able to do things for himself. More confused.
The meeting was life enhancing- such a caring capable knowledgeable team who all have great regard for John some love him I would say.
I was put at ease very quickly the meeting was in one of the quiet rooms- not a conference room- we were all asked how we felt what were our thoughts our questions.
Gradually with great skill we were brought to realise that John is very unlikely to come home- I am glad to know John is happy in Marie Curie in fact has told me several times over the last 18 months that -that is where he would like to die.
He may have a few weeks or a few months - he is much weaker and needs intensive care now.
I simply could not manage to care for John here ,even with carers coming and going.
We were all surrounded with such love such support - and we cared a lot for each other too once the staff left and ended up with a group hug- I left the room feeling quite calm.
Quite a transformation form when I arrived.
John said a few things to me in the last 24 hours which helped me see he knows at some level that the end his near. One was that he wanted to go to Lynda McCartney this morning to shake Dr Hussein 's hand-the doctor who has been with him monthly since the beginning of this. I was very grateful to Marie Curie that they organised an ambulance and staff to take him there-what stars they are.John wanted to say his good-bye.Johnny was there with John he has been a constant in all this time-been to so many appointments at The Royal-Clatterbridge- and of course Marie Curie
John said that he knew when it was time to give up the fight- and be peaceful -and that time was now. I am full of admiration that he was able to recognise this and grateful that he has lived long enough to have reached this stage.
I think it is a blessing.
Andrew asked what we could expect now -what changes might we see in John.I am happy to say dear blog- John will feel more tired,sleep more, eat less, and then the last day will come there will be no distress -what more can we ask for John.
I feel at peace for now-I can see a way forward from here- to be peaceful with John ,let him know I am ok I will be ok -all shall be well-and all shall be well - and all manner of things shall be well.
Grateful thanks to all who helped John and I to reach this place - for tonight at least- and tonight is all we have.
No comments:
Post a Comment