Time to stop greetin

Hi John

how I miss you- I have been unbearable sad since Philip left-a combination of missing him and missing you--too much- I have felt overwhelmed with sadness and loss. I spoke to Philip the other day and he was having a sad day too- seeing all your things- and he has so many memories of being there with us for such a long time he was struggling too- but he kept busy both he and Phil have worked towards leaving castlenel the was I like it- I usually do the spring cleaning when I get there-- but I am not going for long- so I don't want to face- hard cleaning and yet more clearing of the SPTDV and paying Frank too take all the junk put there over the winter to the eco park.

Philip misses you so much- we all do.

Your gentle presence in our lives.

I had a nice message from Mary Mc Dermott ( a blast from the past in Ennis) she said a lot of nice things about us and our influence on her life and how we helped when her brother died- it is so touching that we are held so dear- by so many folk -after all this time.

I have cried enough for now- I am seeing Marie my counsellor today my appointment brought forward from Thursday and I am having a massage from Beth at 6.00 she had a cancellation ..thank goodness I was sue to go on Wednesday- I hope seeing the two of them will be help me over this tough moment in time.

I have had contact this week with all your children- they of course miss you- they are so kind and loving to me..they are tired-- they are slowly recovering form their losses-- it will take time- and I do as I promised I keep in touch and I love them all.

I am going to Glasgow on Wednesday to be with my family there- I feel the need to be close to them- I will stay till Tuesday maybe even Wednesday but will certainly be home for May 7th to vote.

Beth is giving me a blessingsway on May 9th- remember I did one for her when she was pregnant with Anoushka? now she want to do one for me to help me with my major transition--it will be emotional but it will be filled with love I am sure.

The French say Tu Se Manques " you are missing from me" that is what I am feeling- you are missing from me---I learnt that from Julian Lennon who has just lost him mum Cynthia.


TT my beloved-- Helen

Philip has gone

Dearest John

I miss you so much today and wish you were here to talk about our last few weeks with Philip and his departure yesterday.

I was not prepared for how sad I would feel. I knew I would feel sad-- but I cried all the way home on the bus from the airport last night--so much so I did not go to the cinema as planned- I had wine and chocolate for supper as it was comforting- two glasses of wine and two chocolate bars--- it stemmed the sadness.

Happily I did not cry with Philip he went off seeing me happily waving to him- although we both knew we both felt anxious...we had a lovley day but there was a build up of tension in the back ground- for me at least. After my morning writing and Philip's morning doing stuff on his ipad- we had tea in the garden and it was hot and sunny blissful- we talked about how we felt- I was a bit tearful-but he was still here so it was OK. The he did his final packing putting asdie things for me to take to Spain and things to stay in the cellar- things to go to charity shops.

Then lunch of courgette soup and sour dough bread- Philip then had a siesta- then we went into the garden with a cuppa- Philip looked in the two sheds we had not tackled and ended up clearing them out for me- and we found lots of things that we can use in the garden-- hopefully Andrew and Lucy will help me clean up the BBQ and when they are here over the summer we can use it-- maybe on Andrew's 45 th birthday- we did all those things to pass the time before the taxi came at 4.30- I felt relatively calm at that point- wanted to be calm for Philip as he had a few worries about luggage- and kept checking his tickets visa's wallet etc-- he reminded me of you- 'double checking everything"

We checked in his bag and then had yet another coffee---and finally Philip said ok that's it I am going now-- I walked him to the departure place and waved to him till he was out of sight..and for 10 minutes I was fine-- then on the bus I started to feel so sad- thankfully I had my sunglasses on.I could not stop the tears rolling down my cheeks- missing you as much as missing Philip- I keep telling myself as Philip kept saying too- I am only going to Spain- I  could book a flight and just go to visit- but it is Phil's time with Philip I have had my time and been blessed- not just this last few weeks - but since you went into hospital he has been a constant visitor- taking time off work to visit you and support me- he and Andrew were  staunch supporters during that time how would I have managed without them- who knows.

Also I don't want to go to Castalla and have to go through that farewell again..I think since you died my beloved John- Philip's departure has been on the horizon a distraction maybe from you-- not really but another thing to focus on-- now today at least your loss feels so much sharper.

I have many things - long lists of ideas of what I can do-- but no motivation-- not yet anyway.

I feel like getting on a train to Glasgow-- or London--but likely won't maybe I am brave as Anita said- facing things head on--I don't want to run away- I would like to do those visits from a point of power rather than fear.

I was looking for something yesterday and found your keyring- no keys on it- but your little star wars figure that Philip gave you- and you famous Shell mini knife and bottle opener-- both things shook me- so many stories about that shell keyring-- posted back to you from New York by airport staff--and indeed posted to us in Spancilhill from Shannon Airport staff-- you loved that little knife and bottle opener..

So my daring- I am wrung out- I will go for a walk- the sun is shinning it is a beautiful day

I miss you- I love you- where are you?

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......TT xx

Last full day with Philip for a while.

Hello my lovely husband--

Philip has just left to have some food with his friend Tony- tonight is his last night here at Ullet Road- Andrew and Lucy will come in for a last farewell and his friend Si too.

I was expecting Penny and Johnny on Wednesday but once again they have had to postpone- Lara will be back in Cambridge for one day only- Wednesday! it is fine- but I do miss them I got so used to spending a lot of time with them especially Johnny at the end of last year. It is strange not to have seen him since January -he seems genuinely sad not to be coming and says he misses me a lot which is touching-- poor lambs have just gone through their mum's first anniversary.

Andrew Lucy Sophie Nick little Lola and I went on the Ferry on Saturday it was a beautiful day- and everyone enjoyed it-- me too but it was very poignant for me- thinking of our wedding day-such joy- and your 80th birthday trip too- and many of our wedding anniversaries on the ferry.

I miss you John- I wish you were here to help me see Philip off on his adventure- he has has so many goodbyes - he acknowledges it is hard going but at the same time he lives in different times than we did and he feels reassured that he will see family and friends on facebook- whats app- and skype-- another world-- from us.


I would you love to to put the kettle  on or open a bottle of wine and tell me to sit down .

Philip gave me tea in bed a few mornings this week- that was lovely- I miss my tea in bed with you..

I am sad and I have things to look forward to !

Four months last Sunday till you left me my darling---left all of us

We went to the cricket club on Saturday to see the match-- that was upsetting too -the last time I was there was your funeral wake-- but I was really remembering our summer evening walks over for ' two white wines' which I now know is how they referred to us over there--- two white wines-- :-)

Anita said to day that she admired me because I was brave they way I faced everything head on- I felt encouraged- and at the same time- I do not know how to avoid the special dates and poignant moments- I don't want to avoid anything to do with you it is my way of honouring you-feeling the pain of loss- and it is healing too inshalla!

Life goes on the world seems to be getting madder- we are turning our back on folk escaping from horror and letting them drown- it is terrifying- why can't we open our arms to those lost souls- to hell with money for trident and big salaries-lets share our country and our wealth- we have such privileged lives and we don't appreciate that - we still complain.

The news is full of  politicians trying to get us to vote for them- I will of course vote labour- I quite like Ed he is stepping up- but anyway I prefer Labour as you did- and my folks.

Nicola Sturgeon is doing very well-- but as much as my heart likes the idea of Independence- my head says nationalism always ends in divisiveness- I think Scotland will have more power at West Minster after the election- lets hope and pray UKIP disappear off the scene.

More and more folk are heading to Syria to flight - there must be so much dis-satisfaction in their lives when this looks attractive. I wish I knew what to do--all I can do it vote- and try my best to be respectful to all the people that I come into contact with-- just one person at a time-if we all spread a little joy- everyone of us-- we could have a peaceful joyful planet over night.That is certainly what I believed when I went on the peace marches in my young days- it all seemed possible--now I am fearful - I wish a wonderful leader would emerge -one that people admired and respected- one who talked of love- respect- change -challenge- and doing all that in a peaceful way.

You know all this John we shared that dream all our lives- and it is what drove us to do the work we do/did and why we are not wealthy- we rarely worked for the money ( which was good to have of course) but giving encouragement and seeing the change and the hope was what we loved.

Thank you for all I learned from you John - and for your encouragement and respect and love.

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well..............................TT Helen xx

Philip's leaving week- Dad's birthday- ma and pa's anniversary.!

 
Nos sentamos, nos miramos, nos cogemos las manos, pasa el tiempo.

We sit down, we look at each other, we take each other by the hand, time passes

Made me think of my relationship with you dearest John.


Hello my love


I have been so focused on Philip's departure. I have not written here- but of course I think of you every day and look at your photo.

Last weekend Philip came here after weeks of leaving do-s -packing- sorting all kind of things out- sending his possessions to Spain- Oxfam- mustard seed- and here.

I felt a bit overwhelmed by all the stuff he brought- finally we have most of it in the cellar- some things in the house- I got a new sofa bed from IKEA and the boys put it together for me- it has three drawers in it- and his kilt is in one of them - I can't put it in the cellar.
Over time I will sort out the stuff in the cellar-a lot of kitchen stuff- but I don't think I will use it I have little enough space as it is.

It was dads 87th birthday on 15th and ma and pa's  67th wedding anniversary on the 16th-I felt so sad after all this time- it would be wonderful if they just came back for a little while- I think I did appreciate them and respect them I don't have regrets about that- maybe would have loved a mum who adored me- but life it what it is we have to come to terms with the cards we are dealt..that is why your were so amazing John you adored me loved me wholeheartedly and told me all the time- I was never used to that- it was and is an amazing blessing.

Philip and I have done lovely things too- Lunch at ohmeohmy- Cinema at Fact to see Kumiko The Treasure Hunter a beautiful Japanese film.We stopped off at Hope Street Hotel for a glass of wine before we came home.

A wonderful Play at the Playhouse- Birdsong-by Sebastian Faulks- tough but wonderful I was so happy that Philip loved it as much as I did.WE had lunch at Leaf before the play but came home straight after for food as we were starving.

We had a lovely day on Thursday it was a beautiful day and we sorted out the cellar- and opened up the garden for the season...cleaned out the sheds- put out the potato barrel- so many plants have survived the winter-which makes me happy.

We had a farewell party for Philip on Thursday night and as it was a beautiful evening we spent most of it in the garden.

Philip lit a fire Andrew Lucy- Liz and Phil- Maz and Manuella -Beth and Marie- Philip and I were all here it was good fun I made sausage rolls- which went down well- we had lots of nibbles from Mattas-I made three cakes - and all was well.

Folk shared their experiences of their transitions with Philip - and Andrew talked about the time he went off to Australia and linked that with Philip leaving for China- I was touched by that- as were all the folk there.

Philip went off back to Manchester yesterday morning- the cleaners came in- Jane came as Lynn is having another operation on her other hand this time. I was still here and when she asked how I was- I fell apart- first time this week I tuned into myself- she was kind and gave me a hug.I think you would have enjoyed this week- when you were on top form.I miss having you here to talk about those things after the event as we used to do.

I got a bit of a shock as Philip is talking about selling this house and buying another one in two years time approximately

We knew this day would come-but it still came as a shock- he is still happy for me to stay in the new place -but his mortgage will be much bigger and if it is a bigger house the running costs will be more-- I wanted you to be here so we could talk it all through .Two year is a long time anything could happen- I might win the lottery- or I might be dead-- and with you- whatever that means.

With a small pension and  small savings- I wonder what my options are-- I could of course live in Spain- but I don't really want to- and I certainly could not live with Phil when he is there over the winter.

I wonder about a housing associating house-or a move to Glasgow.

You would reassure me that all will be well- you always helped me to work out what was best- and of course I will.

I am doing OK financially - here in this house it is manageable- if the bills increase..I guess I will have to stop saving- which I like to do - and savings has allowed me over the years to do all the things in the flat- kitchen- garden- bathroom.

My next plan was to get new floors in the kitchen -bathroom but now I don't see the point if we are moving- I might still remove the fireplace- but not get the log burning stove. I always save any little bit of money I get from working - for nights out usually with the children- i like to feel I can treat them- even though they are all much better of  than me- pride I guess and you were the same but you were much better at receiving.


Andrew and Lucy have booked some entertainment  for the summer and when I asked about payment Lucy said it was Ok she was treating me to one event and Andrew was treating me to the other-- so kind. Patsy and Kev would not take the money for the Buena Vista Social club tickets- and Philip and Anita treated me to Mid Summer Nights Dream- would not hear of me paying or buying coffee and cake....so as we know people are generous and I just need to learn to accept gracefully.I normally like to pay and treat- certainly don't get it from my dad :-) so maybe I need to channel him for a while.

So that is all the things that got stirred up when Philip mentioned his furure plans--I think I am still coming to terms with your death and my loss- now Philip is off to China- now the idea of another change in the future...I just need time to process all this--

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

I love and miss you my darling husband.