Philip's leaving week- Dad's birthday- ma and pa's anniversary.!

 
Nos sentamos, nos miramos, nos cogemos las manos, pasa el tiempo.

We sit down, we look at each other, we take each other by the hand, time passes

Made me think of my relationship with you dearest John.


Hello my love


I have been so focused on Philip's departure. I have not written here- but of course I think of you every day and look at your photo.

Last weekend Philip came here after weeks of leaving do-s -packing- sorting all kind of things out- sending his possessions to Spain- Oxfam- mustard seed- and here.

I felt a bit overwhelmed by all the stuff he brought- finally we have most of it in the cellar- some things in the house- I got a new sofa bed from IKEA and the boys put it together for me- it has three drawers in it- and his kilt is in one of them - I can't put it in the cellar.
Over time I will sort out the stuff in the cellar-a lot of kitchen stuff- but I don't think I will use it I have little enough space as it is.

It was dads 87th birthday on 15th and ma and pa's  67th wedding anniversary on the 16th-I felt so sad after all this time- it would be wonderful if they just came back for a little while- I think I did appreciate them and respect them I don't have regrets about that- maybe would have loved a mum who adored me- but life it what it is we have to come to terms with the cards we are dealt..that is why your were so amazing John you adored me loved me wholeheartedly and told me all the time- I was never used to that- it was and is an amazing blessing.

Philip and I have done lovely things too- Lunch at ohmeohmy- Cinema at Fact to see Kumiko The Treasure Hunter a beautiful Japanese film.We stopped off at Hope Street Hotel for a glass of wine before we came home.

A wonderful Play at the Playhouse- Birdsong-by Sebastian Faulks- tough but wonderful I was so happy that Philip loved it as much as I did.WE had lunch at Leaf before the play but came home straight after for food as we were starving.

We had a lovely day on Thursday it was a beautiful day and we sorted out the cellar- and opened up the garden for the season...cleaned out the sheds- put out the potato barrel- so many plants have survived the winter-which makes me happy.

We had a farewell party for Philip on Thursday night and as it was a beautiful evening we spent most of it in the garden.

Philip lit a fire Andrew Lucy- Liz and Phil- Maz and Manuella -Beth and Marie- Philip and I were all here it was good fun I made sausage rolls- which went down well- we had lots of nibbles from Mattas-I made three cakes - and all was well.

Folk shared their experiences of their transitions with Philip - and Andrew talked about the time he went off to Australia and linked that with Philip leaving for China- I was touched by that- as were all the folk there.

Philip went off back to Manchester yesterday morning- the cleaners came in- Jane came as Lynn is having another operation on her other hand this time. I was still here and when she asked how I was- I fell apart- first time this week I tuned into myself- she was kind and gave me a hug.I think you would have enjoyed this week- when you were on top form.I miss having you here to talk about those things after the event as we used to do.

I got a bit of a shock as Philip is talking about selling this house and buying another one in two years time approximately

We knew this day would come-but it still came as a shock- he is still happy for me to stay in the new place -but his mortgage will be much bigger and if it is a bigger house the running costs will be more-- I wanted you to be here so we could talk it all through .Two year is a long time anything could happen- I might win the lottery- or I might be dead-- and with you- whatever that means.

With a small pension and  small savings- I wonder what my options are-- I could of course live in Spain- but I don't really want to- and I certainly could not live with Phil when he is there over the winter.

I wonder about a housing associating house-or a move to Glasgow.

You would reassure me that all will be well- you always helped me to work out what was best- and of course I will.

I am doing OK financially - here in this house it is manageable- if the bills increase..I guess I will have to stop saving- which I like to do - and savings has allowed me over the years to do all the things in the flat- kitchen- garden- bathroom.

My next plan was to get new floors in the kitchen -bathroom but now I don't see the point if we are moving- I might still remove the fireplace- but not get the log burning stove. I always save any little bit of money I get from working - for nights out usually with the children- i like to feel I can treat them- even though they are all much better of  than me- pride I guess and you were the same but you were much better at receiving.


Andrew and Lucy have booked some entertainment  for the summer and when I asked about payment Lucy said it was Ok she was treating me to one event and Andrew was treating me to the other-- so kind. Patsy and Kev would not take the money for the Buena Vista Social club tickets- and Philip and Anita treated me to Mid Summer Nights Dream- would not hear of me paying or buying coffee and cake....so as we know people are generous and I just need to learn to accept gracefully.I normally like to pay and treat- certainly don't get it from my dad :-) so maybe I need to channel him for a while.

So that is all the things that got stirred up when Philip mentioned his furure plans--I think I am still coming to terms with your death and my loss- now Philip is off to China- now the idea of another change in the future...I just need time to process all this--

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

I love and miss you my darling husband.