Philip has gone

Dearest John

I miss you so much today and wish you were here to talk about our last few weeks with Philip and his departure yesterday.

I was not prepared for how sad I would feel. I knew I would feel sad-- but I cried all the way home on the bus from the airport last night--so much so I did not go to the cinema as planned- I had wine and chocolate for supper as it was comforting- two glasses of wine and two chocolate bars--- it stemmed the sadness.

Happily I did not cry with Philip he went off seeing me happily waving to him- although we both knew we both felt anxious...we had a lovley day but there was a build up of tension in the back ground- for me at least. After my morning writing and Philip's morning doing stuff on his ipad- we had tea in the garden and it was hot and sunny blissful- we talked about how we felt- I was a bit tearful-but he was still here so it was OK. The he did his final packing putting asdie things for me to take to Spain and things to stay in the cellar- things to go to charity shops.

Then lunch of courgette soup and sour dough bread- Philip then had a siesta- then we went into the garden with a cuppa- Philip looked in the two sheds we had not tackled and ended up clearing them out for me- and we found lots of things that we can use in the garden-- hopefully Andrew and Lucy will help me clean up the BBQ and when they are here over the summer we can use it-- maybe on Andrew's 45 th birthday- we did all those things to pass the time before the taxi came at 4.30- I felt relatively calm at that point- wanted to be calm for Philip as he had a few worries about luggage- and kept checking his tickets visa's wallet etc-- he reminded me of you- 'double checking everything"

We checked in his bag and then had yet another coffee---and finally Philip said ok that's it I am going now-- I walked him to the departure place and waved to him till he was out of sight..and for 10 minutes I was fine-- then on the bus I started to feel so sad- thankfully I had my sunglasses on.I could not stop the tears rolling down my cheeks- missing you as much as missing Philip- I keep telling myself as Philip kept saying too- I am only going to Spain- I  could book a flight and just go to visit- but it is Phil's time with Philip I have had my time and been blessed- not just this last few weeks - but since you went into hospital he has been a constant visitor- taking time off work to visit you and support me- he and Andrew were  staunch supporters during that time how would I have managed without them- who knows.

Also I don't want to go to Castalla and have to go through that farewell again..I think since you died my beloved John- Philip's departure has been on the horizon a distraction maybe from you-- not really but another thing to focus on-- now today at least your loss feels so much sharper.

I have many things - long lists of ideas of what I can do-- but no motivation-- not yet anyway.

I feel like getting on a train to Glasgow-- or London--but likely won't maybe I am brave as Anita said- facing things head on--I don't want to run away- I would like to do those visits from a point of power rather than fear.

I was looking for something yesterday and found your keyring- no keys on it- but your little star wars figure that Philip gave you- and you famous Shell mini knife and bottle opener-- both things shook me- so many stories about that shell keyring-- posted back to you from New York by airport staff--and indeed posted to us in Spancilhill from Shannon Airport staff-- you loved that little knife and bottle opener..

So my daring- I am wrung out- I will go for a walk- the sun is shinning it is a beautiful day

I miss you- I love you- where are you?

All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well......TT xx