I got a letter ,or you did, from Liverpool courts....your name came up for Jury duty....I had to ring this morning to tell them that your died last year...it was so hard...I hate making those calls..I was going to leave it to Andrew..but he is in France and I thought the sooner the better...so I took courage in both hands and called.
I have had trouble with the central hearing boiler...had Richie out last week twice...we need a new part..they called this morning it will be £205 so I agreed to have it....I was considering getting a new boiler...but this should keep it going for a while...and I have just ordered a new couch from Utility....and bought a new table chairs and a desk....the couch will take a few months to get there...the table chairs and desk came this morning...they are in the cellar....I have asked Phil to take away the fire place and tidy up the wall...so until that is done..not point in putting new things in.
I am aiming for Christmas...but would really like it all done for Halloween..
I miss you darling.....just miss you and want you to be here to talk about all these mundane things with..the way couples do.
I am going to Castalla on Wednesday...Johnny and Penny will come on 25th I am sad about this trip and yet a bit looking forward to it too....to see Castlenel..and be there with the children.
Thursday 24t is the one year anniversary of you going into Marie Curie for the last time....it really hurts remember that..I can't look at last years diary with put great sorrow.
Maz and Manuella took me to Ikea yesterday.they had the meatballs in memory of you..sweet girls.
I had coffee with Rachel in Frangipani the other day....also with Jenny Fraiclough....at Fact.....Liz and Phil came in for a coffee....and Phil gave me a quote for taking the fireplace away...
I feel quite low and emotional this month....miss you darling.....I wonder if I will every be Ok really OK...you were are the love of my life...how do you recover from that..
Lots to look forward to... I am sure I will rally...just miss being one persons special person....no other relation ship is like that....you are not thee special one ,to anyone else, no matter how much they love you...and I miss blethering about everyday things.
We are into Autumn now....although the sun has just come out.....the leaves are changing colour...you would love it...I do but it is tinged with sadness.
Andrew and Lucy are with Phil on the boat......you loved being in France and on the boat...more than I did I think.
I hope it goes well for them..especially Andrew.....he is such a good person...likes to be with family....I hope Phil is in good form....I don't expect he will change..but he can be OK if he is relaxed enough..charming even,
I miss everybody,,,,,you most of all...dad.......Anita....she is very quiet and withdrawn now...I feel a but unnerved with the changes in the family..Jackie off to Dubai Sandra to Balloch...Philip in Beijing..I so miss him....it is all change.
I love you I miss you. feel sad.....TT
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.........and so it is....X
Monday, 21 September 2015
Monday, 14 September 2015
Jackie and Rebekka's visit and Great North Run
Hello darling
I have missed you and felt so sad this last few days.....Andrew and Lucy ran the Great North run for you for Marie Curie perhaps as a way of grieving for you....they were fantastic.....trained meticulously - were completely committed to the training the run and the cause...and you I think.
They have raided £2,050 to date a fantastic sum and it all goes to Woolton...to your people the people that you have great regard for...us too.
I found it a bit overwhelming on the day- because they were wonderful all the folk who ran were running for great causes and in memory of loved ones....and I missed you.....and wanted you to see what they were doing to tell you about it.....and no matter how many folk run and jog and cycle....and no matter how much money is raised......you won't come home....you have gone....gone from all of us who loved you..gone from my life forever....and that is sad.
I had to ring the Everyman this morning to ask them to stop sending you letters....I broke down I hate those phone calls.
Your name is still on our bank accounts...I still get your bank cards.....I just cannot stop that yet...I must or Andrew will have trouble when I die....he will need to produce both of our death certificates....not fair on him.
I felt sad as Jackie is leaving for Dubai soon and this was the last weekend that I will see her for a while....I will miss her, she and Sandra have been so so supportive since you got ill....always coming to visit or arranging a weekend away..and weekends in Scotland....oh dear ,you are gone, my folks are gone, Anita is no longer well enough to see folk...for now, Jackie is going to Dubai , Sandra is moving, Philip is in Beijing......too many changes...this is when you find out how much courage you have and how strong you are....it does take courage to keep going to put one foot in front of the other....some days are very hard...Sunday was...today it is back to boiler problems....every day things..
wish you were here.....miss you.....love you always.....Helen T T xx
I have missed you and felt so sad this last few days.....Andrew and Lucy ran the Great North run for you for Marie Curie perhaps as a way of grieving for you....they were fantastic.....trained meticulously - were completely committed to the training the run and the cause...and you I think.
They have raided £2,050 to date a fantastic sum and it all goes to Woolton...to your people the people that you have great regard for...us too.
I found it a bit overwhelming on the day- because they were wonderful all the folk who ran were running for great causes and in memory of loved ones....and I missed you.....and wanted you to see what they were doing to tell you about it.....and no matter how many folk run and jog and cycle....and no matter how much money is raised......you won't come home....you have gone....gone from all of us who loved you..gone from my life forever....and that is sad.
I had to ring the Everyman this morning to ask them to stop sending you letters....I broke down I hate those phone calls.
Your name is still on our bank accounts...I still get your bank cards.....I just cannot stop that yet...I must or Andrew will have trouble when I die....he will need to produce both of our death certificates....not fair on him.
I felt sad as Jackie is leaving for Dubai soon and this was the last weekend that I will see her for a while....I will miss her, she and Sandra have been so so supportive since you got ill....always coming to visit or arranging a weekend away..and weekends in Scotland....oh dear ,you are gone, my folks are gone, Anita is no longer well enough to see folk...for now, Jackie is going to Dubai , Sandra is moving, Philip is in Beijing......too many changes...this is when you find out how much courage you have and how strong you are....it does take courage to keep going to put one foot in front of the other....some days are very hard...Sunday was...today it is back to boiler problems....every day things..
wish you were here.....miss you.....love you always.....Helen T T xx
Friday, 11 September 2015
September our month !
Hello darling
I have been to Cambridge and back since I last wrote to you....it was a wonderful time . I felt closer to Penny and her wee family,
I felt very relaxed with Felix and Harry they they are so accepting of me being their Yaya - I feel touched by this.
Kate drew me a picture of her and I :-) and she invited me to come to her ballet lesson with her....which was so touching and I really enjoyed it too.
Johnny is much quieter quite happy with his own company and with his own wee family....not sure what he makes of me - plenty time.......I am doing what I promised you my love I am keeping an eye on your children and enjoying it and your grand children...it is a real privilege to have those little people taking me into their hearts.
I saw Johnny briefly he looks well has lost a lot of weight I think he is healing a little bit...Penny still needs time but when can she get that time..I will do my best to help.
I saw Mike for an hour one afternoon....he still looks so vulnerable and is quite emotional....misses Maureen --obviously-- and he does not have family and friends close as I do and I am so aware how fortunate I am to have my dear loving family and friends.....particularly Andrew and Lucy how blessed I am to have them so close and they really seem to want to spend time with me...I am moved by that. I guess I thought at some level that you were the one folk wanted to be with because you are wonderful and very interesting..could talk on any subject and have such a great sense of humour.
I am not putting myself down I have good self esteem....I know my strengths....of course I do-at almost 67 years of age.
It is lovely that folk like to spend time with me- when you are not here..:-)
I felt very tired when I came home .Penny and I spent a lot of time talking about you..which was comforting for the two of us....that can be very emotional of course we had a few tears... a few memories..all use up energy but I just rested stayed put and I feel more energetic again.
I have Jackie and Rebekka coming this evening....and Andrew and Lucy are coming for dinner....they have their Great Northern run on Sunday...I am so proud of them both...they are running for you dear John and Marie Curie who we all have high regard for.
I am going to Castalla on September 23rd to meet up with Johnny and Penny they arrive on my birthday which will be lovely but it will still be very emotional too.
The last two birthdays you have been in hospital and Andrew and Lucy have been with me....last year you went in to Marie Curie on 24th September it was a relief really because by that time you were getting a lot of pain...I was grateful that they took you in when you went for that visit...Liz took us....that was the beginning of the end.....you never got back to Ullet Road....Matthew and Marie and the boys and their girlfriends were all here on the 25 along with Andrew Lucy and Philip....it was a good birthday-- I was feeling the relief at that time...the sorrow came later.
I miss Philip now...really looking forward to seeing him in Castalla in December.....we all miss you.
Gavin would have been 75 on 9/9....mum would have been 89 in August....Dad 4th anniversary is coming up on October 5th,,,,,,your 84th birthday is coming up....those dates are not easy ..or the build up to them is not easy....I wonder if it gets to the time you don't notice the date? or at least it does not cause so much heartache....they emphasise the loss somehow.
If I have a glass of wine I still raise it to you..there is a wee picture on the mantelpiece.....sometimes I raise my first cup of tea in the morning to you....I so miss you bringing me a cuppa ....I miss you saying " kettle on" or "candle lit"....which meant time to sit down and have a glass of wine and a chat...catch up on our day.
I am glad to have know you Mr Lightbody. it was an honour flying with you....
...TT love always....Helen x
I have been to Cambridge and back since I last wrote to you....it was a wonderful time . I felt closer to Penny and her wee family,
I felt very relaxed with Felix and Harry they they are so accepting of me being their Yaya - I feel touched by this.
Kate drew me a picture of her and I :-) and she invited me to come to her ballet lesson with her....which was so touching and I really enjoyed it too.
Johnny is much quieter quite happy with his own company and with his own wee family....not sure what he makes of me - plenty time.......I am doing what I promised you my love I am keeping an eye on your children and enjoying it and your grand children...it is a real privilege to have those little people taking me into their hearts.
I saw Johnny briefly he looks well has lost a lot of weight I think he is healing a little bit...Penny still needs time but when can she get that time..I will do my best to help.
I saw Mike for an hour one afternoon....he still looks so vulnerable and is quite emotional....misses Maureen --obviously-- and he does not have family and friends close as I do and I am so aware how fortunate I am to have my dear loving family and friends.....particularly Andrew and Lucy how blessed I am to have them so close and they really seem to want to spend time with me...I am moved by that. I guess I thought at some level that you were the one folk wanted to be with because you are wonderful and very interesting..could talk on any subject and have such a great sense of humour.
I am not putting myself down I have good self esteem....I know my strengths....of course I do-at almost 67 years of age.
It is lovely that folk like to spend time with me- when you are not here..:-)
I felt very tired when I came home .Penny and I spent a lot of time talking about you..which was comforting for the two of us....that can be very emotional of course we had a few tears... a few memories..all use up energy but I just rested stayed put and I feel more energetic again.
I have Jackie and Rebekka coming this evening....and Andrew and Lucy are coming for dinner....they have their Great Northern run on Sunday...I am so proud of them both...they are running for you dear John and Marie Curie who we all have high regard for.
I am going to Castalla on September 23rd to meet up with Johnny and Penny they arrive on my birthday which will be lovely but it will still be very emotional too.
The last two birthdays you have been in hospital and Andrew and Lucy have been with me....last year you went in to Marie Curie on 24th September it was a relief really because by that time you were getting a lot of pain...I was grateful that they took you in when you went for that visit...Liz took us....that was the beginning of the end.....you never got back to Ullet Road....Matthew and Marie and the boys and their girlfriends were all here on the 25 along with Andrew Lucy and Philip....it was a good birthday-- I was feeling the relief at that time...the sorrow came later.
I miss Philip now...really looking forward to seeing him in Castalla in December.....we all miss you.
Gavin would have been 75 on 9/9....mum would have been 89 in August....Dad 4th anniversary is coming up on October 5th,,,,,,your 84th birthday is coming up....those dates are not easy ..or the build up to them is not easy....I wonder if it gets to the time you don't notice the date? or at least it does not cause so much heartache....they emphasise the loss somehow.
If I have a glass of wine I still raise it to you..there is a wee picture on the mantelpiece.....sometimes I raise my first cup of tea in the morning to you....I so miss you bringing me a cuppa ....I miss you saying " kettle on" or "candle lit"....which meant time to sit down and have a glass of wine and a chat...catch up on our day.
I am glad to have know you Mr Lightbody. it was an honour flying with you....
...TT love always....Helen x
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
September Morn!
Darling John
missing you especially to-day....we loved to dance to September Morn by Neil Diamond on September 1st every year....and we listened to Nat King Cole Autumn Leaves---gosh the words feel very personal this year....and Vivaldi- Autumn.
I wondered if I would be able to listen to those songs this year....but I did in the end..it was quite hard...very emotional...instead of dancing with you..I danced with your picture...and cried a little..for you- for all the wonderful September Morn's we spent together. I will not run away from those things my love I embrace them even if they are hard...my way of honouring you...part of my grieving for you.
I went to Bold Street when I felt a bit better.....and ordered a new sofa from Utility.....I know you would approve of the sofa and the price...15 percent off over the bank holiday....
I had a coffee in Leaf and thought of all the coffee's teas and meals we had in there...we always enjoyed them.
I have reached the time of the year that I have been dreading in a way..only because I felt I would be very emotional again..I have been calmer since we scattered your ashes...and today has proved me right..and that is Ok feeling are good an important part of us.
I saw Anita on Saturday- she is very ill- maybe in her last few weeks or months...she is on the same medication that you were on- it was strange hearing the family chat about doses etc- so like many conversations that we had..together and with family....this time I felt on the outside...a good thing I have to say...brought back memories of life being very difficult for us,,,,till we adjusted to the regime ...when you came home from hospital the first year...those memories make me feel so sad.
Anita and her family are going through all this now....I feel for them so much...they --like us-- are doing very well,,,,,I think we and all our family did really well too -in your last year...and even longer. That gives me heart....I know you noticed and appreciated all we did.
I am going to visit Penny Steve Kate Johnny Felix and Harry tomorrow...I have Dundee cake Polish Cake- peanut biscuits....and lots of little gifts for the children,,,,I hope to see Johnny on Friday...It is their wedding anniversary that day..I have already sent their card and one to Lara in HK..and I have a gift for Archie's 5th birthday-- he is going to be a school boy on Monday.Felix and Harry are five now too- they will continue at nursery for another year..time to catch up.
I met Stuart today. I have not seen him since you left us...he was very sweet....looking older--like the rest of us...Laura is coming tonight for supper..and a chat about the Bold Street book.....looking forward to hearing if there is any progress...
I have had some of your art framed recently....more still to be done....I can't get any help to get them hung..as we need an electric drill....I have asked..Brian- Phil J -Andrew- so far no one has been able to help....every one is so busy..but it will happen in time...I am wondering if I should buy and learn to use an electric drill....I read somewhere..that all woman should have among other things...a black lacy bra and an electric drill.....:-)
So my love I have almost got through..September 1st....I love you- you are the love of my life...always will be....TT... Helen XXXX
missing you especially to-day....we loved to dance to September Morn by Neil Diamond on September 1st every year....and we listened to Nat King Cole Autumn Leaves---gosh the words feel very personal this year....and Vivaldi- Autumn.
I wondered if I would be able to listen to those songs this year....but I did in the end..it was quite hard...very emotional...instead of dancing with you..I danced with your picture...and cried a little..for you- for all the wonderful September Morn's we spent together. I will not run away from those things my love I embrace them even if they are hard...my way of honouring you...part of my grieving for you.
I went to Bold Street when I felt a bit better.....and ordered a new sofa from Utility.....I know you would approve of the sofa and the price...15 percent off over the bank holiday....
I had a coffee in Leaf and thought of all the coffee's teas and meals we had in there...we always enjoyed them.
I have reached the time of the year that I have been dreading in a way..only because I felt I would be very emotional again..I have been calmer since we scattered your ashes...and today has proved me right..and that is Ok feeling are good an important part of us.
I saw Anita on Saturday- she is very ill- maybe in her last few weeks or months...she is on the same medication that you were on- it was strange hearing the family chat about doses etc- so like many conversations that we had..together and with family....this time I felt on the outside...a good thing I have to say...brought back memories of life being very difficult for us,,,,till we adjusted to the regime ...when you came home from hospital the first year...those memories make me feel so sad.
Anita and her family are going through all this now....I feel for them so much...they --like us-- are doing very well,,,,,I think we and all our family did really well too -in your last year...and even longer. That gives me heart....I know you noticed and appreciated all we did.
I am going to visit Penny Steve Kate Johnny Felix and Harry tomorrow...I have Dundee cake Polish Cake- peanut biscuits....and lots of little gifts for the children,,,,I hope to see Johnny on Friday...It is their wedding anniversary that day..I have already sent their card and one to Lara in HK..and I have a gift for Archie's 5th birthday-- he is going to be a school boy on Monday.Felix and Harry are five now too- they will continue at nursery for another year..time to catch up.
I met Stuart today. I have not seen him since you left us...he was very sweet....looking older--like the rest of us...Laura is coming tonight for supper..and a chat about the Bold Street book.....looking forward to hearing if there is any progress...
I have had some of your art framed recently....more still to be done....I can't get any help to get them hung..as we need an electric drill....I have asked..Brian- Phil J -Andrew- so far no one has been able to help....every one is so busy..but it will happen in time...I am wondering if I should buy and learn to use an electric drill....I read somewhere..that all woman should have among other things...a black lacy bra and an electric drill.....:-)
So my love I have almost got through..September 1st....I love you- you are the love of my life...always will be....TT... Helen XXXX
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