Unbearable sadness and other feelings.

Hello John

I took the sweet peas framed picture to Dr Hussein- it was a truly meaningful experience for him and for me.

He met me right away - I went in at the beginning of the clinic so the place was empty something I have never seen in that place- he took me to his little room and there was a nurse in with him-who I was introduced to.

I said I wanted him to open the gift then I would tell him why I was there.- I included in the package- a card from the family giving him our thanks for his care- a copy of the order of service from your funeral- and your short story Salthouse Quay.

When he opened the package he was so touched- he said that you had told him a picture was coming to him and that you had discussed the colour of the frame.

I told him about your time- our time in Marie Curie and that being with you when you died was such a precious time for me and I hope you.

He said how much you had touched him and the staff there- that you put up a great fight for life- and you also had the grace to know when it was time to let go- saying everything has to come to an end.

You moved so many people my love. He said that you talked well of me and the children- he knew you were loved and that you loved us.

He said I can go back and so can the children to chat with him if we want to.

He was immensely grateful to me for taking the time out from my grieving ,as he put it, to come to say thank you to him- he said this gesture- meant so much to him and his staff ,that it gave them encouragement to do the wonderful work that they do,

I am sure you can imagine how amazing the meeting was because you had great regard for this man.

I am suffering quiet a lot right now-I feel so sad and lonely for you-yet I am surrounded by loving family and friends.

Andrew and Lucy went off to Venice and their pictures on facebook broke me up- it took me back to our wonderful magical honeymoon there all those years ago.

They had pictures taken in the same places we did- and sent me a post card of their pictures and ours- 28 years later...so touching.

Patsy and Kev took me to Ness Gardens on Friday the day after the hospital visit- I told them about the visit and they were so touched too- we al cried in the cafe...but it was ok..we were touched by the best of humanity.

Saturday I had a wonderful day with Matthew and Marie- we had a very long lunch in Leaf with lots of chat about family holidays- then we moved from Leaf to a new cafe on Hardman street for coffee and cakes---we did not stop talking- it was great- we shared three cakes- mine was courgette and lime cake- amazing.

They went off to check into the Marriot and I walk back home- laid the table and got changed lit some candles- then they arrived in a cab- we had lots of wine and food and chat this time we talked about you- the funeral- your death- and I cried a lot the- they were both very relaxed with my tears and they were touched too.

Sunday I met them in town for breakfast- then off they went- I was so sad when they left- but happy about the visit- every ending is sorrowful for me at the moment....I had a long hot bath and a siesta- then watched Men who stare at Goats-- at first I did not get it then I started to enjoy it a lot- very funny. Love George Cloony and Ewan Mc Gregor together.

Monday you would have loved it- as it was the anniversary of our meeting 23rd February- I went to London and met Ellie for lunch- at the OXO tower- we had a grand time- a wonderful location- over looking the Thames- St Pauls- such a famous skyline- the restaurant was fabulous- amazing staff who were sensitive about mine and Ellie's tears- the best food- and wonderful company.

Ellie and I think we will do this once a quarter- and sometimes invite the rest of the woman in our lives- Penny Lara Lucy and in time- Kate and Martha too..

I feel content that I will continue to be in you childrens' lives- it gives me heart.

I had coffee with Sarah on Tuesday--more tears where do they all come form- it is a sign of how deep my love for you was- our love for each other.

Andrew came in to help me with some forms-- he was great too- I cried and sobbed- just not been very good at keeping control lately- but he was very understanding- and shared his feeling too-which is a blessing- we are both very aware of all the changes Philip off to China next- wonderful and a bit frightening too.I could do with life staying the same for a while-- but that is not going to happen..and so life goes- Anita came in yesterday - she is such a great friend and support to me- Susan too she sent some lovely gifts this week- Kerry came in with a pizza and some salad last night and we had a good catch up--she said lovely things about you and about us- she said she was so happy that she had witnessed our love.....

Today Rachel and Adam are taking me to Dobbies for afternoon tea---using the vouchers they gave us before they left Ullet Road- hoping we would all go together when you came out of hospital- but you never did my dear sweet John-- so today we brave the road to Dobbies without you--yesterday I had a massage with Beth- and she did some Reiki on me. During that time I sensed that I heard you saying "I am here" the John that you met- the John you can lean on" that was comforting- I have not seen that John for so long- I have been the one to take care- and be lent on-a great privilege-and it was wonderful to be cared for too.


Where ever you are my husband lover best friend---I miss you I love you-- TT.

From Maz in Thailand-Rachel in Penny Lane

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you" Winnie the Pooh
  from Maz.


Those we love don't go away.
They walk beside us every day...
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed, and very dear.

I'll miss you
from Rachel



Dear lovely John- this morning these two quote were in my mailbox-I can't stop crying- I hope you are near- and if you are that is good- but not the same as being here in the flesh giving me a hug and making me a cuppa- opening a bottle of wine- going shopping together-going to Fact- planning holidays....................................................

I can't get my self together since Valentine's day- maybe this is me into stage three of grief I feel a bit anxious and I keep checking to see what is going on to make me feel this way- most financial things are sorted out- and it looks like I will be Ok- will work again to top up the pension- but not like we used to-- just a few workshops- a few counsellors supervision sessions- but that is a choice.

The funeral bill has come in-I was worried about that- but it is ok no surprises- all the children are helping out-and to-day after having coffee with Andrew and Lucy before they fly off to Venice- I am finally taking your framed sweet-peas picture to Dr Hussein.I will be glad to do this for you my love my John- I am a bit nervous about going back to the department- I always hated going there-you were so brave- and went because you had to with Johnny or one of the carers.I am so fragile to-day I will probable feel upset- but  I am going to do it and do it on my own- for you- it is what you wanted.

Johnny organised the appointment for me he went through Dr Carlos-Johnny and I miss the contact that we had during your illness and around your death- we got very close and Johnny felt able to tell be how he really feels-which still feels like a privilege even after four decades of being a counsellor.

Johnny and Penny are coming for a day in March for a visit with me- lunch a chat-and to take your papers and some clothes and possessions of yours- I have kept some things that have meaning for me--I specially love your walking stick- and your bunnet some cards that you sent me- notes- poems.

It is all too sad- I remember when pa died- we had to sort through all his and mum's things- a real heartbreak.

It is shattering when you realise that there are some things that no one wants- they have to go to a charity shop- in truth it is all part of the letting go- at first you want to keep everything- in time you can let things go.

I took my grand parents gate-leg all the way to The Booley House in Feakle from Knightswood- because it still smelled of grand-da's pipe smoke.

I hear so many people talk of the madness of grief-Joan Didion wrote a book when her husband died suddenly during the time their daughter was dangerously ill in hospital---A Year of Magical Thinking

I like to think of my thoughts more like magical thinking rather than madness which seems harsh- yet psychiatrists say we are going through a madness- trying to adjust to life without a loved one- or maybe they were not loved but a huge part of our lives anyway.

I am glad I can talk to you here- it calms me down sharing all my thought and feeling here.

Robert says I should write a book called " Peace Love and lentils"  I think a blog is easier- I don't have to think plan or make sense just pour it all out here.I appreciate the thought though- and I am glad that my words go out there into cyberspace and maybe someone will come across them and they will feel a connection- feel they are not alone- that at least I too have magical thoughts and feelings.

I love you John  where ever you are- my feelings don't change even if I can't see you any more- just like I still love my parents ,grandparents, aunts and uncles who are no longer here...and I remember my two cousins John and Matthew- who died far too young- I did not know Matthew as much as John - but his -their essence I remember and they are part of me.


All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.

Shrove Tuesday

Hello John

today people all over \Britain will be having pancakes- we had ours on Saturday-so I don't feel like having them again.


Now we move into Lent- as you know I am not religious and don't go to church- or very occasionally I go to the cathedral if it is a particularly nice service.

I like the rhythm of church life though--as like the rhythm of the days weeks and year in Castalla-all connected with the church of course.

After the excesses of Christmas -Lent feels like a nice balance- a time to go inward- eat less drink less spend less what ever folk decide to do-reflect on the now- the past- the future- loss- despair-hope- whatever the topic- I am going to run a few workshops on Monday evenings for my Artist's Way group - I feel up to it- they all know what has been happening in my life- and I feel comfortable with them.


I am still quite fragile to-day a bit weepy. I am meeting Sue for Lunch at Leaf I will enjoy that.

Then I am taking Lucy birthday bag back to the Tate- if she manages to get it to me today- it still has the security tag on it- can't imagine how I got it out of the Tate shop last week.


I think during Lent I will listen to much less Radio 4- as I am quite addicted to it- I really want to stop listening to the morning news- I always say I don't watch the news because it is too upsetting- but I find listening is just as upsetting now  and gives the wrong impression of folk in this world-most of us are simply getting through the days weeks and months doing our best to love each other be kind- give a smile where we can- and find the daily round tough enough- so many folk are trying to make ends meet- going to work- childcare- caring for the elders in the community- along with cooking cleaning all the regular home-care things.


I will keep close you you my dear love- I wonder where you are John? have you really gone for good-is your spirit out in the universe somewhere?

More questions than answers.

Andrew and Lucy are going to Venice on Thursday- it reminds me of our wonderful romantic honeymoon there- we had such a wonderful time-in Venice and many other places- we were lucky John lucky to find each other and to have such a long and happy relationship - I miss you.

Helen TT xx

missing you

Dear John


I feel so sad- and I miss you so much- we had our first Valentine's day without you- you and I  did not make a big things of it- but we always made cards- and had nice food and wine- celebrated our love.....

I made a big effort- it was Lucy's birthday supper that night- so I wanted things to be lovely for her- as we did when it was the two of us-but I had you in mind too- lots of hearts - heart lights- paper hearts scattered on the table heart sparklers--.

I feel now that I have been brave long enough and now you have to come back - to take the pain away.

It will soon be 23rd Feb the anniversary of the day we met- I am going to London to have lunch with Ellie- we are going to the River Cafe- her treat- I am looking forward to it- I do enjoy being with close family and friends- It really helps- like an anaesthetic - but the pain is still quite fierce at times too- and I know it is normal for this stage of grief- can't imagine I will ever not feel the loss sharply-yet I know it has eased with my dear pa-- I think of him now and smile inwardly- I remember him every day but it is happy thoughts now- I go to the five trees- and ask him to take care of you- your are both in the same place now- I have no belief in an afterlife--- yet just in case -a wee insurance policy I ask dad to keep an eye on you as it is all new you you-- maybe your mum and dad are with you-- maybe you have finally met you grandparents that you never met in life---magical thinking I know - but whatever gets me through the day- I have  a lot of plans for the year right up to August, but it feels a bit unreal- it is all travel friends family- is that ok ? no work- no taking care of people-
does this make life unreal- not valuable?

I said to someone the other day I feel as if I am recovering from a very long illness- I still feel quite fragile- might break at any moment- still can cry at the drop of a hat- A guy at the Tate asked me to fill in a questionnaire with him about the Tate- I ended in tears- luckily he was a sensitive soul- and was not uncomfortable with me.

I try not to cry all over the kids- but I do sometimes- when Philip arrived on Valentines day I was still fragile- cried a lot but he was totally Ok with that- luckily I was in tact for Lucy coming I said I was a bit bit upset- but it was her night- and I would hate to spoil that.

Finances still not sorted out yet- still not had the bill for your funeral- I hate not knowing I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to money- I am making plans and spending money for travel to Scotland three times this year--eek--- London a few times too--- but it is a strange year and I am sure things like "me "will settle down in time.

I love you my dear husband- someone referred to me as a window the other day - I felt outraged I am not a widow- I am married to you---I told Philip  he laughed and said- I should be wearing black-- he made me laugh..other times I feel a bit touchy .


So we got through another milestone- next one on 23rd...and so it will go through this year--then Philip goes to China another change to adjust to- not as big as losing you- but big enough- I hope to visit him there-- I keep making plans- not sure how realistic they are financially- but I have some savings for when I am 70 - might use them- I would be fed up If I died before I was 70 and did not get a chance to go to China :-)

Love you- TT-- your loving wife-- Helen xxx I miss you calling me " collins"

St Blaize's Day

Hello John


to day is St Blaze's day the day when the church blesses throats.This was our day for thinking about dad.I miss my dear pa I talk to him regularly at the 5 trees when I am in the park.I ask him to take care of you-- crazy I know -I make up stories- you have just arrived where ever you arrive after you die- and my dad is there waiting for you to show you the ropes- maybe your mum and dad are there too waiting to be reunited after all those years.

I saw Patsy yesterday - she took the fold down bed away - it has been very useful during this time of folk coming and going.

I saw a nice bed on line- a single bed with another bed underneath- such a great idea.It would only be used for an occasional stay over but handy-yet now the other bed has gone I am enjoying the space in the bedroom.Perhaps a fold away bed is better as it can be stored in the cellar of shed..well wrapped up.

Now Philip is going off to China- I will need it much less- Sandra and Jackie would be the main ones to use it now- probably a few times a year as I am now able to travel to to stay with them-I need to think about it- but I do need something for Lucy's birthday party on the 14th as Philip will be here that night...if all else fails- he could stay with Andrew and Lucy- I am sure they would not mind especially as it is likely to be the last time for quite a long time.


I found a first draft of the love poem that you wrote for me- so beautiful it breaks my heart- to be loved so much- I hope that you know how much I loved you right to the end - love as it grows deeper if a different feeling from the first throws of love-more meaningful- as there is sureness and certainty about it-something you cannot know at the beginning- which means sometimes we put on a show for fear we will not be loved- but with you John I always knew- no matter what I did or said- horrible - sad angry-I was loved by you-such a gift.

Like the love we have for our children-- no matter what we love them- we would die for them-through thick in thin - that kind of love-I am not putting you on a pedestal - we had our difficult times of course- we drove each other nuts at times- yet it did not occur to either of us- we were not in love--we would get through everything we had to get through- difficulty with children- finances- losing jobs- homes- living on a pittance-- we grew stronger in our love for each other.

Good for us- no mean feat- I still love you-as I still love my dad- and now that mum has gone and time has passed I wear her ring and watch- and feel closer to her- death does not end relationships- it changes them- time gives me a way of seeing mum and understanding her better-- I think.I do not hear the judgement and don't feel the criticism now-and it was all connected to her pain I guess- not necessary anything to do with me.

And I truly believe the underneath all the harsh words and arguments-in most cases- parents love there children- even if they have no idea how to tell them.


So dear John- we have loved- a phrase has been going round in my head since you died- " we had it good there for a while" I knew it was from a film but could not remember which one- but then I had an epiphany in Stratford--no- not Shakespeare- but Tom Hanks says it  Sleepless in Seattle when he is talking about his wife who died---such an understatement- yet it has so much power for me....dear beloved John " we had it good there for a while"


Helen TT

I just called to say......................

I meant to say John--- last night when I could not sleep I heard on Radio 4 Desert Island discs--I just called to say I love you......what we used to say and singin our early days together--- we loved that song and used to dance when we heard it,I bought the 45--still have the cover in castlenel--no idea what happened to the record..
I loved hearing it again- it was like a balm flooding through me--very comforting---you were still leaving me that message on my phone till the end.....I wish I had kept those messages---I will never forget you my love---and our songs-poems- jokes....TT

Into February and after Stratford.

Dear John

you were very much in our thoughts and hearts this weekend- we had a memorable weekend in Stratford.

Andrew drove us all there- tough going on a winter's night- and he brilliantly avoided an accident which took place I front of our eyes- a huge truck hit a car in front of him- Andrew saved us from running into the truck- and no one ran into us thank goodness- our angels were looking after us that night.
We stayed in the Premier Inn which was a good inexpensive hotel - but a bit of a mystery trying to find our way to and from our rooms- not a well designed place- but comfortable and staff we friendly.

We had dinner at the rooftop restaurant of the RSC building- the food was wonderful Andrew totally loved parfait and had two- we enjoyed chatting catching up having wine and relaxing.My wine called Wild Boy cost £33- can you believe it- the food was reasonably priced but the wine was crazy- however we thought -what the hell.I am sure you would have been shocked - but in the end you would have gone for it.

We stopped in at Encore before and after eating -it was a nice place- but the staff we a bit weary.

We had a big day planned for the Saturday - we got out and about looking for all the places that had been recommended to us by Lucy's family.We had brunch in Four teas- a super 40's themed restaurant- everything was interesting to look at- the menus were like ration books- the staff wore 40s overalls and turbans- the crockery was the green familiar war time stuff you used to see a lot of. best of all the food was great- we went to the market- and bought £15 worth of home made fudge and Scottish tablet- some for Lucy some for us at the theatre that night.

I got a battery for my watch-the one you bought be two Christmas's ago-we picked up out theatre tickets-then we had coffee at Encore again before we set off on our bus tour- and they had found my hat and gloves that I left there the night before.

We all loved the bus tour- you would have too-we sat on top -inside- front seats so we had a great view of everything- it was interesting and informative.

After that we went to see Shakespeare's house-which was interesting to see- I think if you were a huge fan you would feel you were treading on hallowed ground- I enjoyed the introduction more- it was a big screen showing snippets of plays and actors quoting from the plays- that was moving- they played " love is not love when alteration finds" thought of you obviously and shed a wee tear- which I did on the bus -just when Philip decided to take a selfie- my eyes look a bit glassy but it is ok.

We then had tea in Ann Hathaways tea rooms- they were great warm cosy and friendly.

The people of Stratford are good at taking care of visitors- they do not seem weary of it all- it felt like they enjoyed their work- which helped up enjoy everything all the more.

We then went back to Premier Inn for siesta time- before the going for a drink to the Dirty Duck then on to the play.

I got dressed up but still work my new sea salt coat- which proved to be a big success- so cosy and warm-it really was very very cold - I kept wishing it would snow so that it would warm up- something you would have understood- the notion- even if it is not true- we were always told it was- they boys were a bit suspicious of this wisdom- and we had a few good laughs about it.

We had a drink in the Dirty Duck- which is just as you would remember it- cosy and old fashioned- it was a bit too much for me- I felt upset and my tummy started up- I guess the whole day caught up with me- the joy of it combined with the loss you you- my dear John.

Onwards and upwards though- we then heeded to the Swan which is a beautiful building- we had a drink in the bar and ordered more for the interval.we found  the insult chair which was fun.

WE went to see OPPENHEIMER- it was wonderful new play- I found the man a bit disturbing- he had no joy in his life- could not love his children- or have a true relationship with his wife- or lover- but he made an impact-no question- and he was up against so many conflicting organisations and situations- maybe he did what he thought he had to do- not a good legacy though must have been tough to live with- and he died young-of cancer- and his daughter as well as his lover killed themselves- very sad.

I am not sure if it was my sadness breaking through or the play- but I lost my appetite- and could not have any more wine-but we went to Opposition for food and it was very relaxing- the boys had big meals and wine I had a light salad and bruchetta  with water and herb tea- and I felt much better.

We talked about the play for a while - after that we tried to find somewhere where we could have a nightcap- but it was not to be- we headed back to the hotel  I had some wine- so we gathered in my room- talked more about the play -and the boys had some wine and i had more water.

It was a truly grand day out.

Sunday-- I was very tearful in the morning- missed you a lot-wanted to tell you all about Sauurday-

I did some writing- packed - they boys were watching Andy Murray who started well- but sadly lost the Australian Open.

We then checked out went for breakfast to RSC rooftop restaurant -- this time it was a pantomime- they simply could not get the orders right- they had two attempts at Andrew's and still it was wrong-Philip and I did not get our fried potatoes-- and it all took ages- in the end the manager - apologised-and the food was on him- so we all had another coffee- we were able to laugh about it thankfully.

Then we went up the tower to see some great views over Stratford and had a little potted history lesson for a helpful guide-we enjoyed that too and walking down the stairs was interesting too- lots of great photos from some of the plays,

After that we got into the car and off to Ann Hathaway's cottage where we saw a beautiful crescent moon sculpture in the garden-and Philip found a pizza over in the kitchen.It was an interesting place- but I was not moved- I am sure real fans would be- we had tea and cakes in the cafe-Andrew had cake and shortbread---- we had a group hug in the car park and agreed it was another wonderful mum and sons weekend.

Where will the next one be? China maybe.

I hope Andrew and I will have another one -when Philip is in China-maybe just one night away to the theatre in another city....and another time Johnny could join in---if he is able to get away....we shall see what unfolds...

So my beloved John you see we had fun- you were in our hearts-I know guilt is part of grief- I am aware of guilty feelings about enjoying myself-- especially in Stratford-- but I can hear you voice very clearly saying NO - ENOUGH -- thank you my love....xx