"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you" Winnie the Pooh
from Maz.
Those we love don't go away.
They walk beside us every day...
Unseen, unheard, but always near,
Still loved, still missed, and very dear.
I'll miss you
from Rachel
Dear lovely John- this morning these two quote were in my mailbox-I can't stop crying- I hope you are near- and if you are that is good- but not the same as being here in the flesh giving me a hug and making me a cuppa- opening a bottle of wine- going shopping together-going to Fact- planning holidays....................................................
I can't get my self together since Valentine's day- maybe this is me into stage three of grief I feel a bit anxious and I keep checking to see what is going on to make me feel this way- most financial things are sorted out- and it looks like I will be Ok- will work again to top up the pension- but not like we used to-- just a few workshops- a few counsellors supervision sessions- but that is a choice.
The funeral bill has come in-I was worried about that- but it is ok no surprises- all the children are helping out-and to-day after having coffee with Andrew and Lucy before they fly off to Venice- I am finally taking your framed sweet-peas picture to Dr Hussein.I will be glad to do this for you my love my John- I am a bit nervous about going back to the department- I always hated going there-you were so brave- and went because you had to with Johnny or one of the carers.I am so fragile to-day I will probable feel upset- but I am going to do it and do it on my own- for you- it is what you wanted.
Johnny organised the appointment for me he went through Dr Carlos-Johnny and I miss the contact that we had during your illness and around your death- we got very close and Johnny felt able to tell be how he really feels-which still feels like a privilege even after four decades of being a counsellor.
Johnny and Penny are coming for a day in March for a visit with me- lunch a chat-and to take your papers and some clothes and possessions of yours- I have kept some things that have meaning for me--I specially love your walking stick- and your bunnet some cards that you sent me- notes- poems.
It is all too sad- I remember when pa died- we had to sort through all his and mum's things- a real heartbreak.
It is shattering when you realise that there are some things that no one wants- they have to go to a charity shop- in truth it is all part of the letting go- at first you want to keep everything- in time you can let things go.
I took my grand parents gate-leg all the way to The Booley House in Feakle from Knightswood- because it still smelled of grand-da's pipe smoke.
I hear so many people talk of the madness of grief-Joan Didion wrote a book when her husband died suddenly during the time their daughter was dangerously ill in hospital---A Year of Magical Thinking
I like to think of my thoughts more like magical thinking rather than madness which seems harsh- yet psychiatrists say we are going through a madness- trying to adjust to life without a loved one- or maybe they were not loved but a huge part of our lives anyway.
I am glad I can talk to you here- it calms me down sharing all my thought and feeling here.
Robert says I should write a book called " Peace Love and lentils" I think a blog is easier- I don't have to think plan or make sense just pour it all out here.I appreciate the thought though- and I am glad that my words go out there into cyberspace and maybe someone will come across them and they will feel a connection- feel they are not alone- that at least I too have magical thoughts and feelings.
I love you John where ever you are- my feelings don't change even if I can't see you any more- just like I still love my parents ,grandparents, aunts and uncles who are no longer here...and I remember my two cousins John and Matthew- who died far too young- I did not know Matthew as much as John - but his -their essence I remember and they are part of me.
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.
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