St Blaize's Day

Hello John


to day is St Blaze's day the day when the church blesses throats.This was our day for thinking about dad.I miss my dear pa I talk to him regularly at the 5 trees when I am in the park.I ask him to take care of you-- crazy I know -I make up stories- you have just arrived where ever you arrive after you die- and my dad is there waiting for you to show you the ropes- maybe your mum and dad are there too waiting to be reunited after all those years.

I saw Patsy yesterday - she took the fold down bed away - it has been very useful during this time of folk coming and going.

I saw a nice bed on line- a single bed with another bed underneath- such a great idea.It would only be used for an occasional stay over but handy-yet now the other bed has gone I am enjoying the space in the bedroom.Perhaps a fold away bed is better as it can be stored in the cellar of shed..well wrapped up.

Now Philip is going off to China- I will need it much less- Sandra and Jackie would be the main ones to use it now- probably a few times a year as I am now able to travel to to stay with them-I need to think about it- but I do need something for Lucy's birthday party on the 14th as Philip will be here that night...if all else fails- he could stay with Andrew and Lucy- I am sure they would not mind especially as it is likely to be the last time for quite a long time.


I found a first draft of the love poem that you wrote for me- so beautiful it breaks my heart- to be loved so much- I hope that you know how much I loved you right to the end - love as it grows deeper if a different feeling from the first throws of love-more meaningful- as there is sureness and certainty about it-something you cannot know at the beginning- which means sometimes we put on a show for fear we will not be loved- but with you John I always knew- no matter what I did or said- horrible - sad angry-I was loved by you-such a gift.

Like the love we have for our children-- no matter what we love them- we would die for them-through thick in thin - that kind of love-I am not putting you on a pedestal - we had our difficult times of course- we drove each other nuts at times- yet it did not occur to either of us- we were not in love--we would get through everything we had to get through- difficulty with children- finances- losing jobs- homes- living on a pittance-- we grew stronger in our love for each other.

Good for us- no mean feat- I still love you-as I still love my dad- and now that mum has gone and time has passed I wear her ring and watch- and feel closer to her- death does not end relationships- it changes them- time gives me a way of seeing mum and understanding her better-- I think.I do not hear the judgement and don't feel the criticism now-and it was all connected to her pain I guess- not necessary anything to do with me.

And I truly believe the underneath all the harsh words and arguments-in most cases- parents love there children- even if they have no idea how to tell them.


So dear John- we have loved- a phrase has been going round in my head since you died- " we had it good there for a while" I knew it was from a film but could not remember which one- but then I had an epiphany in Stratford--no- not Shakespeare- but Tom Hanks says it  Sleepless in Seattle when he is talking about his wife who died---such an understatement- yet it has so much power for me....dear beloved John " we had it good there for a while"


Helen TT