missing you

Dear John


I feel so sad- and I miss you so much- we had our first Valentine's day without you- you and I  did not make a big things of it- but we always made cards- and had nice food and wine- celebrated our love.....

I made a big effort- it was Lucy's birthday supper that night- so I wanted things to be lovely for her- as we did when it was the two of us-but I had you in mind too- lots of hearts - heart lights- paper hearts scattered on the table heart sparklers--.

I feel now that I have been brave long enough and now you have to come back - to take the pain away.

It will soon be 23rd Feb the anniversary of the day we met- I am going to London to have lunch with Ellie- we are going to the River Cafe- her treat- I am looking forward to it- I do enjoy being with close family and friends- It really helps- like an anaesthetic - but the pain is still quite fierce at times too- and I know it is normal for this stage of grief- can't imagine I will ever not feel the loss sharply-yet I know it has eased with my dear pa-- I think of him now and smile inwardly- I remember him every day but it is happy thoughts now- I go to the five trees- and ask him to take care of you- your are both in the same place now- I have no belief in an afterlife--- yet just in case -a wee insurance policy I ask dad to keep an eye on you as it is all new you you-- maybe your mum and dad are with you-- maybe you have finally met you grandparents that you never met in life---magical thinking I know - but whatever gets me through the day- I have  a lot of plans for the year right up to August, but it feels a bit unreal- it is all travel friends family- is that ok ? no work- no taking care of people-
does this make life unreal- not valuable?

I said to someone the other day I feel as if I am recovering from a very long illness- I still feel quite fragile- might break at any moment- still can cry at the drop of a hat- A guy at the Tate asked me to fill in a questionnaire with him about the Tate- I ended in tears- luckily he was a sensitive soul- and was not uncomfortable with me.

I try not to cry all over the kids- but I do sometimes- when Philip arrived on Valentines day I was still fragile- cried a lot but he was totally Ok with that- luckily I was in tact for Lucy coming I said I was a bit bit upset- but it was her night- and I would hate to spoil that.

Finances still not sorted out yet- still not had the bill for your funeral- I hate not knowing I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to money- I am making plans and spending money for travel to Scotland three times this year--eek--- London a few times too--- but it is a strange year and I am sure things like "me "will settle down in time.

I love you my dear husband- someone referred to me as a window the other day - I felt outraged I am not a widow- I am married to you---I told Philip  he laughed and said- I should be wearing black-- he made me laugh..other times I feel a bit touchy .


So we got through another milestone- next one on 23rd...and so it will go through this year--then Philip goes to China another change to adjust to- not as big as losing you- but big enough- I hope to visit him there-- I keep making plans- not sure how realistic they are financially- but I have some savings for when I am 70 - might use them- I would be fed up If I died before I was 70 and did not get a chance to go to China :-)

Love you- TT-- your loving wife-- Helen xxx I miss you calling me " collins"