encouragement

               May you receive great encouragement when new frontiers beckon.


Hello John

I found this line in a poem by John O'Donohue

It made me stop and think - reflection is good for the soul - I was able to feel a sense of gratitude because I am getting encouragement for so many sources.

My family, Andrew, Lucy, Philip ,Sandra ,Jackie, Marie, Matthew, Wendy, Rebekka Matthew Julie Aoife - my cousins on facebook in far flung parts of the world- friends Susan- Patsy Kev- Anita Philip-Brian ,Celia, Sue ,Margaret, Beth ,Maz- my Artist's way group- Maz, Manuella, Rachel, Sarah,, Steph, Donna, Marie.

John's Children- Penny, David, Lara ,Johnny, Ellie - our Lightbody family in Scotland- Robert especially- Jenny-  David- the others cousins I see on facebook who send me little messages- many friends in Co Clare who send emails and facebook messages.


I get encouragement from poems, books, radio ,films, a line here and there can be profound and stops  me in my tracks- like a message of encouragement from you dear John or the Universe..it is a mystery , as indeed life is...sometimes I see and hear nothing- I am too full of sorrow- then something shifts and everywhere I look I am encouraged.

I saw a beautiful animated film yesterday.The Tale of Princess Kaguya- Japanese- I could forgive the American voice over because I was so absorbed in the tale.

Even in that film I heard a message of encouragement  about our humanity - how loss and grief and hardship are all part of it- but so then is love and joy and hope- all the feelings that make us human..Princess Kaguya's reflection as she has to leave earth and to go back to where she came from.

I look at your pictures and smile - I know this is a wee rest bite from the sorrow but it is good- not the lethargy and numbness I sometimes feel when I stop feeling the pain.

Andrew and Lucy will be home tomorrow- looks like they have had a great time in France- although there has been a terrible air tragedy over there.

Philip is about to start his twelve days of Philip ( his farewell to work ) and his plans for leaving Uk are still a wee bit up in the air- one more document has to arrive and be taken to the Chinese embassy in Manchester- once that is done he can set off to Spain for a week with his dad-- then China here he comes.

Spring is in the air- little buds coming in the trees- daffodils abound in Sefton park -my dad's tree is surrounded by them - it lifts my spirits to see that- Felix and Fiona's cygnets are still here all eight of them -it is unusual for them to stay around so long.


My Lent group is going well-quite challenging topics-- it is Lent.

 I saw Patsy and Kev yesterday he is home from hospital now after his hip operation- I took him a chocolate cake and a jigsaw puzzle- which he started as I was leaving- he seemed genuinely happy with both gifts...I felt a bit shocked when I saw him- he looked thin and vulnerable- I was shaked by that because it reminded me of how vulnerable and thin you were towards the end..

I look at pictures of you now from further back and that is much more encouraging- I feel happy at the memory of all the happy holiday and times we had together...it helps --as do my dear family and friends.


I love you John and I always will- your loving wife- Helen.. TT xx

daffodil moment

Dear John

a little girl ran after me in the park yesterday -she gave me a daffodil head that she had picked- I thanked her very much she ran away- then a few minutes later she came back with another one- her name is Jessica and she is three years old- she lifted my spirits. I mentioned it on face book and Lizzie Wainright said maybe they we from you- you picked her to give me the flowers.....somehow that made me sad when I looked at the flowers.

I had a really hard weekend- well Friday was lovely I had dinner with Andrew and Lucy at The Quarter- I was so determined to enjoy that evening as I had had such a bad few days before- both Penny and I are very sad- as I promised you I am keeping in touch with her- with all of them.

Andrew and Lucy are off in France now snowboarding- they have such a nice life - I am so happy for them.

We are lucky John all our children and partners are good genuine kind loving people-heaven knows what we did to deserve them all.

I am sad about Philip going to China but for me not him- I am happy for him- he is feeling the reality of it now- I think he gets a bit overwhelmed at times- this is when I wish he had a partner- to share the joys and sorrows with...but that is my motherly stuff-- he is fine happy independent.

I missed you particularly to day- the printer would not print my google document on Oppression for tonight's group. I still don't know why- I asked our neighbour Ben to help- I heard he was upstairs- happily- he printed them using word- god knows what it is all about- but thankfully I have my handouts for tonight- poor Andrew I will have to ask his indulgence once more-I bet he will fix it easily - it simply would not show me the print button- it is now a save button.

As I was saying the weekend was hard- A&L away- Liz and Phil away Anita and Philip away- funny thing was I wanted to be on my own longed for it as I have been so busy-- but I felt lonely-for you of course. I have plenty people to do things with- but no one to do nothing with- I stayed with the feeling and did not call any one as I will need to get used to this...I think it is all part of the grieving- because as you know I like my own company and always have things to do and I like just " being " too- maybe the grief is highlighted when I know there is no one around- I am sure if they were all around I would not have contacted them- just knowing they are there is what is good.

I feel very tired today- I think all the crying is the cause- I had a lovely walk in the park yesterday then walked a long  way before I got a cab into the Anglican Cathedral.I went to evensong- the choir was wonderful- pity the preacher did not keep his mouth shut- rubbish sermon about sin--- yuk.

I have everything ready for tonight- all handouts done a cake made plus one for Kev he is home from hospital now- I made him a chocolate and coffee cake- it is in the freezer..so my dear love John I am off to have a wee siesta- rather than a walk- I need the rest.....much much love I miss you so much TT xx

Kind Taxi driver and weekend with my sisters.

Hi John

I am home now after a lovely weekend in Glasgow and Kilmarnock.

The taxi driver who took me to Lime Street said " it is not often that I see you without "him" "

I had to tell him that you died in December-- I was of course upset-- he was lovely- remembers taking us to Fact and Leaf and taking you to Daffodil Club at Marie Curie..he told me his girlfriends nan is there now--we talked about how good they are....when we got out at Lime Street...he gave me a hug and told me to donate the fare to Marie Curie.I was so touched by him and his generosity.

Sandra and I went to Lamb hill on Friday morning- and took flowers to mum's grave- at least the place where mums ashes are interred and a few of dad's ashes are scattered- it was a lovely moment-we took out the Christmas flowers out-and put 18 yellow tulips in - the sun was shinning and the birds were singing- and we had a few moments silence - thinking about the two of them.

Sandra and I then went to town .I bought some tea towels and an over glove from Frazier's no less ,for Scott and Fallon as a wee house warming gift..we then had lunch at the Central Hotel...nothing but the best..it was really nice.

Jackie picked us up at the station and we all had a group hug...Sam Louise and Lachlan came round for a few hours -it was great to see wee Lachlan Matthew he is a total star- very contented and a great wee giggler.

We went to Troon on Saturday to look at houses for Sandra and Harry- we saw some lovely houses- but not perfect- so who knows where they will end up.

Troon was freezing- and a bit run down in parts- up and coming in other parts. I am sure you would have had stories to tell us on the Troon golf course and holidays with you family.

I had a good few tears but they family were all great no embarrassment- just kindness and understanding.

Rebekka spent time with us and she was a wee star--- Sandra bought an selfie stick ( which Sandra calls a (onsie) very funny-- we really did have a good laugh with that thing...Geoff finishes work in April due to redundancy - so far no job- lots of interviews but no job yet- quite worrying for them.

I met Andrew at Lime street on my way home. It was lovely- he bought me lovely flowers- white and green, simple and beautiful  two lovely white rose buds in there.We then had coffee and chocolate and a good catch up.

Coming home was a bit hard- I missed you when I came in- I saw your pictures and your writings and it was hard- but ok too I had a long chat with Philip -then a hot bath and an episode of House of Cards...scary stuff.


I ran my course on Monday evening after a session with my counsellor----I cried a lot with her-- but was very relaxed with my group--so that made me feel good- to be in touch with my power- rather than my fragile self..

I miss you John- I have been looking at more of your papers- I found a Christmas card that you gave me two Christmases  ago in a book I was looking through for work-- a picture of snowdrops and a sweet message--those are the things that I cannot prepare myself for-- something out of the blue- still I am glad I have it of course...


I love you dear beloved John-- I hope you are flying free in the universe---I would love to think I will catch up with you in time--but it is not vey likely-- yet who knows--- none of us know--


I love you John.TT xx

Sister's weekend coming up.

HI John

I feel a bit calmer to-day I really have been down a very big hole...thank goodness for time passing.


I had a lovely long chat with Penny and we shared our sorrow and had a few laughs too.

I am looking forward to seeing her and Johnny on April 11 they are coming to take some your papers and clothes which is a good thing- I have kept a few things which have meaning for me- I hardly need reminders of you my love- for the children this is their heritage and your grand-children's heritage too. John seems to want to keep all your clothes....maybe in time he will let them go.

We will all go out to lunch together that day..and have a catch up- I am looking forward to it as it makes me feel close to you being with them

That is the weekend that Philip is coming over- he will have given up his flat by then and will stay here for a few days before he flies off to Castalla where he will stay with his dad for a week- then he goes to Barcelona to fly off to China. I am happy for him and sad for me.Another big change to adjust too.


I am heading to Glasgow today for a weekend with Sandra and Jackie. I will stay with Sandra tonight- and tomorrow we head to Kilmarnock for two days with Jackie...hope to see Lachlan while we are there-- he is one now.


I hope to stay relatively calm while I am there--all the crying and sorrow is so tiring-- I am already tired for the last week mourning.

Although- I want to mourn for you my love - the final task that I can do for you-love of my life.


I have been looking through your papers again for a further reduction before Penny and Johnny come for them-- I have found some lovely things that you said about me in the passing- it is very comforting.

I bought myself some new clothes yesterday- not from a vintage shop but from Next- new jeans and two new tops-- it was my reward for having got through the last few weeks of heartache.

I will wear them all through my Scottish trip.


I love you John and I always will. Helen  TT  X

Too many tears

Dear John

I am so so sad- I miss you so much- I miss your humour- your knowledge your feedback about my work - going out for a coffee- watching a movie together- planning holidays- cooking together- getting ready for dinner parties- hearing how you got on in London telling you about my trips to Glasgow - telling you the family news- gossip even...you loved a wee bit of gossip.

I miss seeing you coming along the road with your bunnet and walking stick and your yellow jacket..with the shopping trolly. I miss you doing the shopping and the cooking.

I feel desperately sad when I think of you coming to terms with getting old having cancer knowing time was running out for you- how dignified you were-sad and dignified.

I cant stand the memory of you asking me if you could come home again- and me getting Dr Dan and him saying - not yet we will keep an eye on your progress- maybe in time if things change- they never wanted to take hope away. Then you saying one day- you realised that would leave that place in a box- I asked how you felt about that- you said OK- I wonder if you were- was the medication dulling your wits- I don't know- we talked about everything- yet now I feel maybe I missed something- missed a moment that you needed to say something-I feel tortured that I did not do all the right things-did I let you down- I know I probably did ok but you know me I feel I have to be perfect in everything I do- of course you understood that and always understood that I could not be- you accepted my humanity.

I look at picture of our life together over the years- I make myself- it is upsetting at times- Susan says even now she can't look at pictures of Gavin- I worry if I don't the shock will be worse to bear when I see one out of the blue on facebook maybe,

Music is sad too- music that has nothing to do with you or me or us- can bring me to tears.

I wonder how will I keep going- I know I have to and will for my children if nothing else-- if I am OK and well they can get on with their lives- I do not want them worrying about me. it might come to that as I get older- but for now- I want them to fly free without worry if possible -who does not want that for their families.

I keep in touch with Penny Johnny and David- I promised I would and I want to- they are all sad too- coming to terms with you and Maureen's deaths.Johnny was very sad on his birthday-missed his normal calls with you and his wee ma as he called her.

David and Lara are in Japan- he says it is peaceful and healing after the trauma of the last years.

I would like a holiday -I think- sometimes-- but I would miss having you with me and there is no one else I would like to be with- I have plenty folk to do things with- I don't have anyone to do nothing with in that companionable way - couples and families do.

Andrew and Philip and Lucy miss you too- maybe not as much as your three-and maybe it is as much- they still have their dads- yet that is not the same as the relationship they had with you- that was separate and unique- which I know you valued so much -watching them all making their way in the world- being there for them and proud of them.

We all know we were fortunate to have you in our lives- and I know you felt fortunate to have us in your life too. My we were lucky!

Getting old is complex there are joys and sorrows about ageing- one of the things you have to be able to do- is live with loss and grief. That is a tough call- I have had so much loss this last few years- amazing it will be five years since mum died this year- five years imagine-and four years since my dear beloved pa died in October- and one year for you in December - but only two months at this stage-  that is why it is still so hard to come to terms with - too early-- it gives me hope that I can think of my folks and indeed my dear Grandparents now and feel a warm glow of happiness- that they were part of me and me them--although once in a while I still feel a pang for my pa...I hope in time the grief will calm and we will not be separated by the sharp awful a pain,We will be close in the joy of what we had -our deep constant love for each other--folk say go in peace- I know I do- I think I need to learn to "stay" in peace .

I love you dear John - I am glad to be able to talk to you hear- today seems to be a day of deep sorrow- the pain now is the other side of the joy then....H. T T xx

A calm few days-then I met a friend.

Dear John

I am so sad to - day I really miss you and can't understand why you can't come back now---madness I know but it is what I am thinking.

I have been keeping busy this week I started a Lent Reflection Group -with the Artist's way group--a wee test to see if I can do it..I feel pleased with myself- I stayed in role- no getting into my stuff my feelings- stayed focused on the group. I also started doing a supervision session with B it is only once a moth supervision and once again - i did well- so this week for the first time since October I earned some money which feels good.

Andrew has been helping me with some forms - connected with possibly getting some help with the funeral costs- everyone says it is worth a try I might be entitled to some help- no harm done if not - so we finished the forms this week- no tears this time- last time Andrew came round we did not even get to the forms- I was to upset missing you my love.This time we got it done- he mended my printer- and showed me how to play Cd's on your PC...we had a lovely supper and watched Man U v Newcastle U -- we won -happy days.

I was called back to the hospital- I was a bit worried as the GP said all was clear- I went to see the GP again to find out what is going on- long story short I do need another exam-- but there is nothing bad- everything is benign- I feel Ok now  I have everything has been explained to me-it is like my eye I need to go for check ups but everything is OK.

I went to see The  Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel it was fun and sad too- about ageing and death as well is exuberant life.

I saw Tony and Andrea this week they were in Liverpool house hunting for Tony - he may well move in to L17 which would be great for me- sad you wont be able to enjoy his company- you were very close in Ireland.

I am going out with Lucy and Philip tonight- to New Brighton which has been refurbished- so nice to see that- and we are going to see an Elvis concert at the Floral Pavilion.( not actually Elvis )

I think this will cheer me up I love his music- and we will be close to the Mersey too which I like

I had a few really good days this week- I felt calm and focused -then I met a woman Pat from the Adlerian society on Friday  and she did not know that you had died- telling her set me off again- I just could not stop crying in the street- she was lovely about it -of course being an counsellor she was not fazed by my tears.

I had a spell when I felt you were close to me- but that feeling has gone again- maybe when I could not stand the pain any more it helped believing that you were here- or maybe you were here somehow-- we have no way of knowing.


I miss you John- I even miss travelling to Marie Curie a few times a day- although I know it was tough and all that-- but sometimes I just wish I could hop on the 75 bus and you would be there- smiling at me when I arrive- I miss you lighting up when I come into a room- something I did not even know I appreciated- it was part of my life for so long- I guess I took it for granted.

You almost always stopped what you were doing when I appeared- always had time for me..time to put the kettle on and ask what I had been up to- who was I with -how was I ? you were such a gift to me John...I miss you I miss that attention.....I always knew you were a gift I could not keep....but that is not much comfort now X

Hope you are flying free somewhere in the universe- with all the other angels.....