Too many tears

Dear John

I am so so sad- I miss you so much- I miss your humour- your knowledge your feedback about my work - going out for a coffee- watching a movie together- planning holidays- cooking together- getting ready for dinner parties- hearing how you got on in London telling you about my trips to Glasgow - telling you the family news- gossip even...you loved a wee bit of gossip.

I miss seeing you coming along the road with your bunnet and walking stick and your yellow jacket..with the shopping trolly. I miss you doing the shopping and the cooking.

I feel desperately sad when I think of you coming to terms with getting old having cancer knowing time was running out for you- how dignified you were-sad and dignified.

I cant stand the memory of you asking me if you could come home again- and me getting Dr Dan and him saying - not yet we will keep an eye on your progress- maybe in time if things change- they never wanted to take hope away. Then you saying one day- you realised that would leave that place in a box- I asked how you felt about that- you said OK- I wonder if you were- was the medication dulling your wits- I don't know- we talked about everything- yet now I feel maybe I missed something- missed a moment that you needed to say something-I feel tortured that I did not do all the right things-did I let you down- I know I probably did ok but you know me I feel I have to be perfect in everything I do- of course you understood that and always understood that I could not be- you accepted my humanity.

I look at picture of our life together over the years- I make myself- it is upsetting at times- Susan says even now she can't look at pictures of Gavin- I worry if I don't the shock will be worse to bear when I see one out of the blue on facebook maybe,

Music is sad too- music that has nothing to do with you or me or us- can bring me to tears.

I wonder how will I keep going- I know I have to and will for my children if nothing else-- if I am OK and well they can get on with their lives- I do not want them worrying about me. it might come to that as I get older- but for now- I want them to fly free without worry if possible -who does not want that for their families.

I keep in touch with Penny Johnny and David- I promised I would and I want to- they are all sad too- coming to terms with you and Maureen's deaths.Johnny was very sad on his birthday-missed his normal calls with you and his wee ma as he called her.

David and Lara are in Japan- he says it is peaceful and healing after the trauma of the last years.

I would like a holiday -I think- sometimes-- but I would miss having you with me and there is no one else I would like to be with- I have plenty folk to do things with- I don't have anyone to do nothing with in that companionable way - couples and families do.

Andrew and Philip and Lucy miss you too- maybe not as much as your three-and maybe it is as much- they still have their dads- yet that is not the same as the relationship they had with you- that was separate and unique- which I know you valued so much -watching them all making their way in the world- being there for them and proud of them.

We all know we were fortunate to have you in our lives- and I know you felt fortunate to have us in your life too. My we were lucky!

Getting old is complex there are joys and sorrows about ageing- one of the things you have to be able to do- is live with loss and grief. That is a tough call- I have had so much loss this last few years- amazing it will be five years since mum died this year- five years imagine-and four years since my dear beloved pa died in October- and one year for you in December - but only two months at this stage-  that is why it is still so hard to come to terms with - too early-- it gives me hope that I can think of my folks and indeed my dear Grandparents now and feel a warm glow of happiness- that they were part of me and me them--although once in a while I still feel a pang for my pa...I hope in time the grief will calm and we will not be separated by the sharp awful a pain,We will be close in the joy of what we had -our deep constant love for each other--folk say go in peace- I know I do- I think I need to learn to "stay" in peace .

I love you dear John - I am glad to be able to talk to you hear- today seems to be a day of deep sorrow- the pain now is the other side of the joy then....H. T T xx