Darling John,
What a busy time with new babies,
David and Lara now have a beautiful daughter Olivia Grace, I met her on Skype yesterday,she is so sweet ,tiny with very big eyes.You would love her.I know I am going to and look forward to getting to know her and to watching her grow and loving her as I do all of your grand children.I am blessed.
Sandra is now a grandmother, David and Aoife have a beautiful daughter Freya Constance,she is gorgeous , D&A are awash with wonder , they did not think this day would come.Sandra is ecstatic,and will be a fantastic grandmother.
Jackie has her second grand child, Aoife ( EVA) Fay, she is a real wee cuttie pie.
So our families have been very lucky and blessed this year. The year has not been good politically, seems we are all so fed up with politics, we are voting in right wing uncaring folk,in the hope it will help us some how. Many famous folk have died, folk that have been part of our lives in a distant way for many decades. I feel a passing sadness, but it is not like losing a real loved one, a parent a friend,and much loved husband.
I was sad to hear of Leonard Cohen's passing,he brought me a lot of pleasure from his poetry and singing, at the same time, it was time, he was old and ill, he had made a difference had a good life and was ready to go.
The wonderful thing is we can still enjoy his music.
David has asked me if it was ok for him to buy my ticket from UK to Sydney with a stop over in HK,
I was a little worried at first, for various reasons, but it in end, I accepted gracefully.
It was a blessing to chat to him, he was as ever in business mode getting all my detains, he is a real producer, a good listener, and has a way of making things happen. He loves his job in Shanghai , which is so good to hear.
I keep in touch will all of you children, and your niece's and nephews in Scotland too, the ones I know ,there are many around the world that I do not know, but see on facebook from time to time.
I see your grandchildren as much as I can, and love them all dearly, with a little soft spot for Felix :-)
As you know Robert is a favourite of mine.I have every intention if meeting up with them all in 2017,I have such warm genuine invitations, as I must see Gwynneth before too long.
Andrew and Lucy are amazing to me, they include me in so much of their lives, and I not only appreciate that, I enjoy being with them too, they are lovely people,kind generous and caring.
Philip is in touch regularly , most days we whatsapp, every week or so we talk, he is enjoying life, I have no idea his long term aims, as they change, which is good because rigid plans are no fun,he is flexible, if he gets new information he changes his mind, always an assertive thing to do.
I worry most about him, because he is on his own, thankfully with skills to make friends and make the best of life, which as far as I understand is not so easy in Beijing.
He has not a tosser to his name, and has debt. yet he does not worry, I guess he has me, and his dad to do that for him.
Somehow he ends up on his feet.DV.
I was concerned about Penny last few years, but not know, she is flying it , new house, new job, gorgeous children all growing up well, a few concerns, but always have that with a family, and Steve is a fantastic support, a great husband and a great dad. As is Johnny! When you see them juggling family ,work , running homes, financial issues, holidays, weekends, Christmas, , and all that life brings you, you have a warm glow to see what mature fulfilled human beings they are.
it is easy to be amazing when life is smooth, it is how they indeed all of us meet the challenges of life you see the metal, you can be very proud of them all, as indeed I am ,all so different, all with their on dreams their own paths to follow and yet able to look outside themselves and have care and compassion out side of themselves.
Darling John, it is now two years and two days since you died, you went away forever, still hard to accept that. I was up at 6.06 on 28th December and lit a candle for you, for us, had a wee cup of tea, and remember our last hours and minutes together, that was a precious time for me.
I loved the idea of you before I met you,I loved you all the days I knew you, and I love you still,and always will my darling husband, you ever loving wife Helen. TT
Friday, 30 December 2016
Sunday, 27 November 2016
Hong Kong
Hello darling
very soon your new grand daughter will be here.
I have heard form David and I expect to visit with them in March possibly around Johnny's birthday.
I miss you especially at the moment ;Christmas is in that air, the town looks and sounds festive, you would love it, we would enjoy it together. I feel lonely walking through the festive city centre in spite of all the shoppers ,buskers,big issue sellers. I am aware of your absence.
I miss you .I love you .You are my sunshine XXX TT.
very soon your new grand daughter will be here.
I have heard form David and I expect to visit with them in March possibly around Johnny's birthday.
I miss you especially at the moment ;Christmas is in that air, the town looks and sounds festive, you would love it, we would enjoy it together. I feel lonely walking through the festive city centre in spite of all the shoppers ,buskers,big issue sellers. I am aware of your absence.
I miss you .I love you .You are my sunshine XXX TT.
Tuesday, 15 November 2016
2016
Hello darling John
what a tough time I am having emotionally, since our birthdays I have felt sad, but now I don't tell folk so much because I think after almost two years, folk don't have the same patience and understanding. A brief how are you with no expectation of me really telling them, otherwise, they would not ask on the hoof...I miss Anita, we shared at a deep level with no judgement of each other.
I felt quite light hearted on our wedding anniversary, people for all around the world remembered the day and sent little messages, I think because of the date people remember,
The next day I felt very sad, it hit me again that you were not here, would never be here.
I miss you darling John, my best friend, my anchor in life's ocean.My guy who brought me tea all the time, cooked for me, poured me wine.Listened to me.
It was so lovely in Cambridge, Steve brought me tea a lot, he knows that I miss that in my life, that small gesture of his touched me deeply.Small acts of kindness make the world go round.
They both wanted to talk to me about real issues and I loved feeling needed and appreciated.
I am going to Johnny's this weekend,and I know we will talk deeply about your about life and we will cry and that is good, it gives me a place to be with you in what feels like a real way, the emotional connection with others who love you makes me feel closer.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, I will miss you in castlenel, my knight in shinning armour, my protector,your presence made me feel safe, and your absence makes me feel vulnerable.
I think I will do something different from now on at Christmas, maybe in Scotland, or on a tour with singles. I cant relax in castlenel without you, it is all skating on thin ice,and there is no need for me to do that to myself I am too long in the tooth.So one last effort for the family then in one bound I will be free..
I can't even be bothered with all the food and wine, all the over indulgence, a smoked salmon sandwich and a nice movie after the Christmas service at the anglican ,and a long walk,, would be my favourite. I am changing and I am getting older I like different things now.
Of course I like to see my family, but little and often is good for me and close to home too.
Mainly I like relaxed people .I feel ill in a tense atmosphere and I promise you that I will make sure I give that to myself in the future.....I feel a little sad and weepy this morning, I hear a lone trumpeter playing As time goes by,on Bold Street, and I walked for a long way cring and wishing that you were with me.
My grief in more intense at this time, hearing christmas Carols , putting up the tree, wrapping the gifts, making the cakes, all without you my darling.
I love you, I miss you, always TT yours forever Helen X
what a tough time I am having emotionally, since our birthdays I have felt sad, but now I don't tell folk so much because I think after almost two years, folk don't have the same patience and understanding. A brief how are you with no expectation of me really telling them, otherwise, they would not ask on the hoof...I miss Anita, we shared at a deep level with no judgement of each other.
I felt quite light hearted on our wedding anniversary, people for all around the world remembered the day and sent little messages, I think because of the date people remember,
The next day I felt very sad, it hit me again that you were not here, would never be here.
I miss you darling John, my best friend, my anchor in life's ocean.My guy who brought me tea all the time, cooked for me, poured me wine.Listened to me.
It was so lovely in Cambridge, Steve brought me tea a lot, he knows that I miss that in my life, that small gesture of his touched me deeply.Small acts of kindness make the world go round.
They both wanted to talk to me about real issues and I loved feeling needed and appreciated.
I am going to Johnny's this weekend,and I know we will talk deeply about your about life and we will cry and that is good, it gives me a place to be with you in what feels like a real way, the emotional connection with others who love you makes me feel closer.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, I will miss you in castlenel, my knight in shinning armour, my protector,your presence made me feel safe, and your absence makes me feel vulnerable.
I think I will do something different from now on at Christmas, maybe in Scotland, or on a tour with singles. I cant relax in castlenel without you, it is all skating on thin ice,and there is no need for me to do that to myself I am too long in the tooth.So one last effort for the family then in one bound I will be free..
I can't even be bothered with all the food and wine, all the over indulgence, a smoked salmon sandwich and a nice movie after the Christmas service at the anglican ,and a long walk,, would be my favourite. I am changing and I am getting older I like different things now.
Of course I like to see my family, but little and often is good for me and close to home too.
Mainly I like relaxed people .I feel ill in a tense atmosphere and I promise you that I will make sure I give that to myself in the future.....I feel a little sad and weepy this morning, I hear a lone trumpeter playing As time goes by,on Bold Street, and I walked for a long way cring and wishing that you were with me.
My grief in more intense at this time, hearing christmas Carols , putting up the tree, wrapping the gifts, making the cakes, all without you my darling.
I love you, I miss you, always TT yours forever Helen X
Sunday, 30 October 2016
October 30 ,eve of out 29th wedding anniversary.
Darling John
I have been steeped in memories of you today , remember the day before we got married, all the preparation , fun, buying a cake, little silver horseshoes, roses. Joe and Vera helping in the house. making the house festive.
Feeling happy with the black dress I bought and all the accessories, AND hiring the gorgeous black velvet cape from the vintage shop !
Mary and Paul coming and organising take away food from the everyman....drinking wine, feeling blissfully happy. ......."we had it good there for a while" I love you I miss you my darling John .TT XX
I have been steeped in memories of you today , remember the day before we got married, all the preparation , fun, buying a cake, little silver horseshoes, roses. Joe and Vera helping in the house. making the house festive.
Feeling happy with the black dress I bought and all the accessories, AND hiring the gorgeous black velvet cape from the vintage shop !
Mary and Paul coming and organising take away food from the everyman....drinking wine, feeling blissfully happy. ......."we had it good there for a while" I love you I miss you my darling John .TT XX
Tuesday, 4 October 2016
October 4th
Hello darling,
thinking of you today sending love out into the universe and hope it finds you.
We are into October, I got through September and our birthdays and I was ok a little sad as I always will be at your absence ,but i had a wonderful birthday, lots of loving messages from around the world from our children and good friends,; best of all I went with Andrew and Lucy to hear Ode to Joy at the Philharmonic, it was very special, being with A&L ,remembering out time there many years ago, and thinking of how often we listened to this over the years,how we loved it and always shed a tear,at the miuic and the idea of joy to and in the world, perhaps that is why we were sentimental at christmas, the music gives up hope in the turbulent world.As someone once said, "it is not the despair, I can cope with despair it is the hope that I can't cope with"
I saw my counsellor for the last time in September, I will miss her gentle presence, but I no longer need her, and that is progress for me. I realise that I will always love you always miss you, but it is much less gut wrenchingly painful, now, maybe once and a while I am thrown back into that, but mostly I think of you and smile and feel grateful for what we had, still have .
Life is busy, trips to Balloch, Sandra coming here, visits soon to Cambridge to spend Bonfire weekend with Penny Steve and the children. A day trip to London maybe, inshalla, on November 1st to have lunch with Matthew :-)A visit to Glasgow for Wendy's 50th birthday meal!
Courses starting up in late October, Christmas in Castalla and another weekend in Cambridge with A&L for a lovely family visit with Penny and all.
I feel I am expanding now, my/our life became quite small in the last few years small and beautiful, and since you went on your adventure , I have felt ,curled up in a ball inside,to stop the pain, I guess.
Now I feel a little more adventurous, you will be happy for me my darling, I go to concerts ,plays ,cinema,on my own, and day trips too. I have been twice to Blackpool,once on my own, and with Sandra, both times visiting the Tower ballroom, broke me up, the glitter, the couples dancing together some must have been dancing for 60 years, well into their 80's and still dancing, I felt your absence so much on those days. often beautiful experiences are tinged with sadness.
I keep in close touch with all your children as I promised you that I would and want to anyway. I send little gifts regularly to all the grand children. We all talk about you and miss you and laugh.
As do my beloved children I include lovely Lucy in that..we raised a wee glass of Muscadet to you at Hope Street Hotel , on my birthday ,a place we often went for just the one glass of wine, then home in a cab, that was quite a night out for you,towards the end.Andrew ordered Muscadet Sevre et Maine-Sur Lie- which you always did, your influence is still very much here in all of us.
I am doing quite well my darling....I am looking towards the future a little these days, maybe I can have a peaceful interesting creative life, with you close in my heart but no longer physically here.
I said out loud the other day" I am John's widow" and I was OK ,amazing, I have raged against that till now. "I am still married to John "was always my petulant retort to the myriad of forms `I had to fill in.
Movement .change ,progress, action,homeostasis balancing, and ALWAYS loving you ,TT XX
thinking of you today sending love out into the universe and hope it finds you.
We are into October, I got through September and our birthdays and I was ok a little sad as I always will be at your absence ,but i had a wonderful birthday, lots of loving messages from around the world from our children and good friends,; best of all I went with Andrew and Lucy to hear Ode to Joy at the Philharmonic, it was very special, being with A&L ,remembering out time there many years ago, and thinking of how often we listened to this over the years,how we loved it and always shed a tear,at the miuic and the idea of joy to and in the world, perhaps that is why we were sentimental at christmas, the music gives up hope in the turbulent world.As someone once said, "it is not the despair, I can cope with despair it is the hope that I can't cope with"
I saw my counsellor for the last time in September, I will miss her gentle presence, but I no longer need her, and that is progress for me. I realise that I will always love you always miss you, but it is much less gut wrenchingly painful, now, maybe once and a while I am thrown back into that, but mostly I think of you and smile and feel grateful for what we had, still have .
Life is busy, trips to Balloch, Sandra coming here, visits soon to Cambridge to spend Bonfire weekend with Penny Steve and the children. A day trip to London maybe, inshalla, on November 1st to have lunch with Matthew :-)A visit to Glasgow for Wendy's 50th birthday meal!
Courses starting up in late October, Christmas in Castalla and another weekend in Cambridge with A&L for a lovely family visit with Penny and all.
I feel I am expanding now, my/our life became quite small in the last few years small and beautiful, and since you went on your adventure , I have felt ,curled up in a ball inside,to stop the pain, I guess.
Now I feel a little more adventurous, you will be happy for me my darling, I go to concerts ,plays ,cinema,on my own, and day trips too. I have been twice to Blackpool,once on my own, and with Sandra, both times visiting the Tower ballroom, broke me up, the glitter, the couples dancing together some must have been dancing for 60 years, well into their 80's and still dancing, I felt your absence so much on those days. often beautiful experiences are tinged with sadness.
I keep in close touch with all your children as I promised you that I would and want to anyway. I send little gifts regularly to all the grand children. We all talk about you and miss you and laugh.
As do my beloved children I include lovely Lucy in that..we raised a wee glass of Muscadet to you at Hope Street Hotel , on my birthday ,a place we often went for just the one glass of wine, then home in a cab, that was quite a night out for you,towards the end.Andrew ordered Muscadet Sevre et Maine-Sur Lie- which you always did, your influence is still very much here in all of us.
I am doing quite well my darling....I am looking towards the future a little these days, maybe I can have a peaceful interesting creative life, with you close in my heart but no longer physically here.
I said out loud the other day" I am John's widow" and I was OK ,amazing, I have raged against that till now. "I am still married to John "was always my petulant retort to the myriad of forms `I had to fill in.
Movement .change ,progress, action,homeostasis balancing, and ALWAYS loving you ,TT XX
Thursday, 8 September 2016
Cakes work and counselling
hello Darling
It is a wet morning here in Liverpool I am enjoying the rain and hope it clears the air , it has been hot and clammy this week, not good for me .
I had a lovely trip to Dobbies with Rachel yesterday and bought some heathers , drank tea and had cheese scones in memory of dad.
I had a drink with Tony on Sunday evening , he is doing ok still adjusting to Andrea being away in Canada. I had tea with Philip on Tuesday , he still seems fragile but doing well , still golfing, reading , listening to the proms in Radio 3 and going off to Israel soon to clear the flat they rented in Israel of their things. sad things to do especially in his own, yet maybe it will be easier not having to keep his chin up for other folk.
Johnny is off in OZ in Midsummers night Dream , Martha has chicken pox 😱 Archie has gone back to school Ellie work, so a busy time for them all.
I have made cakes for the kindness challenge this week . I was asked to do something nice for my parents, but as they are gone now I asked on Streetlife if there was an elderly person I could bake a cake for and two folk came back to me , one person visits an old folks home and is taking a cake there and another woman told me her husband will be 91 tomorrow , I bakes him a cake too they are being collected today . nice to be part of the challenge give me a lot of pleasure !
I am doing some counselling today , and I am seeing Marie my own counsellor .
I feel tired quite a lot right now not sure if it is the weather my age or something else .
I have been worrying about Philip , things are not great in his relationship , but they are better at work and he does like his duplex and hi is taking charge of his finances.
I think about all five children partners and grand children a lot and each one has things going on in their lives , right now I think they are all coping well and mostly rising above to challenges and able to enjoy their lives. Inshallah
I am close to Sandra and Jackie and stalk Matthew and Gary but they do respond to me in time .
I am very grateful for my sisters they are a hugely important part of my life 👯
I think of you and talk to you at our tree I write to you here and I talk to a little picture I have of you on a coaster .
I love and miss you darling John . TT
It is a wet morning here in Liverpool I am enjoying the rain and hope it clears the air , it has been hot and clammy this week, not good for me .
I had a lovely trip to Dobbies with Rachel yesterday and bought some heathers , drank tea and had cheese scones in memory of dad.
I had a drink with Tony on Sunday evening , he is doing ok still adjusting to Andrea being away in Canada. I had tea with Philip on Tuesday , he still seems fragile but doing well , still golfing, reading , listening to the proms in Radio 3 and going off to Israel soon to clear the flat they rented in Israel of their things. sad things to do especially in his own, yet maybe it will be easier not having to keep his chin up for other folk.
Johnny is off in OZ in Midsummers night Dream , Martha has chicken pox 😱 Archie has gone back to school Ellie work, so a busy time for them all.
I have made cakes for the kindness challenge this week . I was asked to do something nice for my parents, but as they are gone now I asked on Streetlife if there was an elderly person I could bake a cake for and two folk came back to me , one person visits an old folks home and is taking a cake there and another woman told me her husband will be 91 tomorrow , I bakes him a cake too they are being collected today . nice to be part of the challenge give me a lot of pleasure !
I am doing some counselling today , and I am seeing Marie my own counsellor .
I feel tired quite a lot right now not sure if it is the weather my age or something else .
I have been worrying about Philip , things are not great in his relationship , but they are better at work and he does like his duplex and hi is taking charge of his finances.
I think about all five children partners and grand children a lot and each one has things going on in their lives , right now I think they are all coping well and mostly rising above to challenges and able to enjoy their lives. Inshallah
I am close to Sandra and Jackie and stalk Matthew and Gary but they do respond to me in time .
I am very grateful for my sisters they are a hugely important part of my life 👯
I think of you and talk to you at our tree I write to you here and I talk to a little picture I have of you on a coaster .
I love and miss you darling John . TT
Saturday, 3 September 2016
Dreich morning in Liverpool!
hello darling
Missing you a lot right now, we always loved September 1st the beginning of our month our season, but now I feel sad the joy has gone out of birthdays anniversaries and even Christmas.Life is just so lonely without you, lonely even when I am with folk, you are always missing .
I miss Andrew and Lucy, just them being along the road, somehow it is comforting knowing they are there even if I don't see them. They are having a great holiday and I am glad for them they work so hard and this is well deserved.
Philip is settling back into life in Beijing, still struggling financially , hope that changes at some point, I worry about it and that ends up costing me money I can't really afford.
I will be talking to Penny and Johnny this weekend, inshallah. Johnny and Ellie's wedding anniversary tomorrow, I have sent them a card and Archies birthday gift, and Blackpool rock too.
I sent Penny's children Blackpool rock and it arrived on the day they went back to school,so it was a nice treat for them when they got home.
I was not going to Listen to September Morn, decided not to torture myself, then Wendy Collins, suggested we listen together on September 2nd, I said yes, at noon, so we did and thought about you ,
It was nice knowing she was listening too.
I will be sending out dates of Artist's Way courses today, starting in October , eight weeks before Christmas possibly two nights a week.....I enjoy the groups , great woman, and the money will help replenish the coffers.
I will contact the Scottish dancing group again soon, I think that will be good for me , hoping for some fun and renewing an old interest too.
I have three more little short story/memories to write for the children ( grand) about you.
I had a big shopping delivered yesterday, I have new shelves in the kitchen which look nice, I put the wine on the shelves, but did not like it there,so I went into John Lewis and bought a wine rack, which look nice, and a picnic basket to keep the crisps nuts and chocolate in. All change here darling, I wonder if you would recognise the place if you arrived back, which I wish you would.
I was supposed to be meeting Tony for a drink tonight but he is just back from a walking holiday with Nick,and he is shattered, so we will meet tonight. I might go to the cinema as it s a wet grey day.
I wonder if you are somewhere in the universe having your adventure , I wish I was with you,
Much love always darling John ....TT xx
Missing you a lot right now, we always loved September 1st the beginning of our month our season, but now I feel sad the joy has gone out of birthdays anniversaries and even Christmas.Life is just so lonely without you, lonely even when I am with folk, you are always missing .
I miss Andrew and Lucy, just them being along the road, somehow it is comforting knowing they are there even if I don't see them. They are having a great holiday and I am glad for them they work so hard and this is well deserved.
Philip is settling back into life in Beijing, still struggling financially , hope that changes at some point, I worry about it and that ends up costing me money I can't really afford.
I will be talking to Penny and Johnny this weekend, inshallah. Johnny and Ellie's wedding anniversary tomorrow, I have sent them a card and Archies birthday gift, and Blackpool rock too.
I sent Penny's children Blackpool rock and it arrived on the day they went back to school,so it was a nice treat for them when they got home.
I was not going to Listen to September Morn, decided not to torture myself, then Wendy Collins, suggested we listen together on September 2nd, I said yes, at noon, so we did and thought about you ,
It was nice knowing she was listening too.
I will be sending out dates of Artist's Way courses today, starting in October , eight weeks before Christmas possibly two nights a week.....I enjoy the groups , great woman, and the money will help replenish the coffers.
I will contact the Scottish dancing group again soon, I think that will be good for me , hoping for some fun and renewing an old interest too.
I have three more little short story/memories to write for the children ( grand) about you.
I had a big shopping delivered yesterday, I have new shelves in the kitchen which look nice, I put the wine on the shelves, but did not like it there,so I went into John Lewis and bought a wine rack, which look nice, and a picnic basket to keep the crisps nuts and chocolate in. All change here darling, I wonder if you would recognise the place if you arrived back, which I wish you would.
I was supposed to be meeting Tony for a drink tonight but he is just back from a walking holiday with Nick,and he is shattered, so we will meet tonight. I might go to the cinema as it s a wet grey day.
I wonder if you are somewhere in the universe having your adventure , I wish I was with you,
Much love always darling John ....TT xx
Monday, 29 August 2016
End of August
hello my darling husband,
I have just been to the tree where your ashes are scattered,I go often , also to dad's tree, I find it comforting.
I miss you , of course, and all my family. This is a bank holiday weekend, the children are all in China, apart from Johnny and Ellie , they just back from France, Penny and Steve moved into their new home in Cambridge. I will go soon, just difficult to find a date that suits all of us.
Andrea is away in Canada now, she has found her dream job. My circle of friends and family is getting smaller and smaller.
I am planning some theatre and concert visits now Autumn is almost here- I have spend a lot of extra money while Philip was home and loaned him a lot of money too,so I am having to be careful about money.I have booked my flight to Castalla for Christmas, Andrew and Lucy suggested that we go again the year, I said yes, so I have booked cause the cheap flights are out now, A&L are in China, so I hope this trip is still on.
I am still a little lethargic about these things, but I think the August weather has not helped, August is often a bit too hot and humid, it does not agree with me,cause of my thyroid condition.
I am hoping Sepember 1st will give me it usual boost, it is our month, I miss miss out dance around the room, to September Morn, Autumn Leaves, and Vivaldi's Autumn.And I will miss you my lovely man.
The news does not get any better since you left,the world is quite mad at times, yet I know there are still many more wonderful people on this planet than disturbed crazy people,we just don't here enough about them.
I am taking part in the kindness challenge which last 365 days ,I get an email every week telling what I could do and I happily do it, and many folk are taking part and I take that a a good sign.
I feel thankful to hear all the things other people do!
I love and miss you, sorry not to be writing so much, the last time I did it ,I got very low and deep into my grief,and I don't want fall that far again, well not for a while,I do want to honour you my darling,and do my grief work, is is so painful as you know.....you are worth it ,of course.
TT xx
I have just been to the tree where your ashes are scattered,I go often , also to dad's tree, I find it comforting.
I miss you , of course, and all my family. This is a bank holiday weekend, the children are all in China, apart from Johnny and Ellie , they just back from France, Penny and Steve moved into their new home in Cambridge. I will go soon, just difficult to find a date that suits all of us.
Andrea is away in Canada now, she has found her dream job. My circle of friends and family is getting smaller and smaller.
I am planning some theatre and concert visits now Autumn is almost here- I have spend a lot of extra money while Philip was home and loaned him a lot of money too,so I am having to be careful about money.I have booked my flight to Castalla for Christmas, Andrew and Lucy suggested that we go again the year, I said yes, so I have booked cause the cheap flights are out now, A&L are in China, so I hope this trip is still on.
I am still a little lethargic about these things, but I think the August weather has not helped, August is often a bit too hot and humid, it does not agree with me,cause of my thyroid condition.
I am hoping Sepember 1st will give me it usual boost, it is our month, I miss miss out dance around the room, to September Morn, Autumn Leaves, and Vivaldi's Autumn.And I will miss you my lovely man.
The news does not get any better since you left,the world is quite mad at times, yet I know there are still many more wonderful people on this planet than disturbed crazy people,we just don't here enough about them.
I am taking part in the kindness challenge which last 365 days ,I get an email every week telling what I could do and I happily do it, and many folk are taking part and I take that a a good sign.
I feel thankful to hear all the things other people do!
I love and miss you, sorry not to be writing so much, the last time I did it ,I got very low and deep into my grief,and I don't want fall that far again, well not for a while,I do want to honour you my darling,and do my grief work, is is so painful as you know.....you are worth it ,of course.
TT xx
Monday, 1 August 2016
August 1st
hello darling
I miss you, I have been visiting your tree and think about you all the time.
I have been feeling very sad recently, sometimes I think grief gets worse as time goes on. I miss dad I miss Anita I miss my life with my folks and you and friends that have now gone. My only older cousin Peggy Halliday daughter of auntie Frances and Uncle John is dying ,she has lung and brain cancer, she is having treatment but it will only give her a few more months, she is a year older than me.I keep in touch with Frances, my cousin Peggy's sister, but Peggy does not feel like visitors.I totally understand that ,and at the same time I would like to see her one more time.
This time of life you can only go on if you can survive loss, but each loss leaves me with less lustre less of my sparkle.I know I can survive loss, but I still do not have a purpose and i know that is important if I want to enjoy my life, sometimes I just want to close my eyes and be with you where you are, even if that is in the dark nothingness.
I think going on a proper holiday would lift my spirits, but this year, with three weddings to pay for, and my pc died so I got a new laptop, and my kindle died, and i have had the place decorated, and a lot of entertaining to do...all costs money..I will probably visit HK and OZ and maybe Beijing....this will all be good but it is not a holiday in the sense of new experiences,I am visiting with family and friends, maybe I need new experiences, maybe book a flat for six months by the sea over winter when it is less expensive,somewhere to feed my spirit my soul.
I wish we still had the van in Inveraray , close to the lochs and the mountains, and the spirit of my dad.
I notice when my savings diminish I feel more vulnerable, I need to top them up again,yet is it really that,is it my grief, is it my huge sense of loss , is it getting older.
I don't mind getting older, seeing the changes in my body my face my hair, what is a big adjustment is the loss of energy, each time I do something which requires a lot of emotional energy as well as physical energy it takes longer to recover...allowing for that is important, but the dilema for me is that during that time I feel very low tired and am more aware of all the losses...I have things to do which I will enjoy yet I can't be bothered to do them.
I am recovering from a tummy bug so I feel very tired , spent most of this weekend, resting sleeping, and still feel tired.
Margaret is coming over this evening , she has just lost her sister, I can't stand it for her, as I am pretty sure that would finish me off.We are going the hear Jeremy Corbyn at St Georges Plateau
then she is coming back to stay over with me.
I think we are going to do the POA thing on Thursday and that will be another £500 EEK.
I will be glad when that is paid for then theoretically I will have not more big expenses for a while.inshalla!
I would love you to be here ,to reassure me give me encouragement, although i always dealt with all the finances, most things in fact,it was so important to have you here in the back ground, just someone knowing what I am up to ,what I find difficult ,when I need , a well done for, appreciate what I do and who I am...and to be able to talk at a deep level about my feeling ,my hopes my fears.
I am good at being a pollyanna and in fact rather enjoy that role, and conversely I need to express the other important parts of me too.
I LOVE YOU MY DARLING HUSBAND...I MISS YOU.....TT
I miss you, I have been visiting your tree and think about you all the time.
I have been feeling very sad recently, sometimes I think grief gets worse as time goes on. I miss dad I miss Anita I miss my life with my folks and you and friends that have now gone. My only older cousin Peggy Halliday daughter of auntie Frances and Uncle John is dying ,she has lung and brain cancer, she is having treatment but it will only give her a few more months, she is a year older than me.I keep in touch with Frances, my cousin Peggy's sister, but Peggy does not feel like visitors.I totally understand that ,and at the same time I would like to see her one more time.
This time of life you can only go on if you can survive loss, but each loss leaves me with less lustre less of my sparkle.I know I can survive loss, but I still do not have a purpose and i know that is important if I want to enjoy my life, sometimes I just want to close my eyes and be with you where you are, even if that is in the dark nothingness.
I think going on a proper holiday would lift my spirits, but this year, with three weddings to pay for, and my pc died so I got a new laptop, and my kindle died, and i have had the place decorated, and a lot of entertaining to do...all costs money..I will probably visit HK and OZ and maybe Beijing....this will all be good but it is not a holiday in the sense of new experiences,I am visiting with family and friends, maybe I need new experiences, maybe book a flat for six months by the sea over winter when it is less expensive,somewhere to feed my spirit my soul.
I wish we still had the van in Inveraray , close to the lochs and the mountains, and the spirit of my dad.
I notice when my savings diminish I feel more vulnerable, I need to top them up again,yet is it really that,is it my grief, is it my huge sense of loss , is it getting older.
I don't mind getting older, seeing the changes in my body my face my hair, what is a big adjustment is the loss of energy, each time I do something which requires a lot of emotional energy as well as physical energy it takes longer to recover...allowing for that is important, but the dilema for me is that during that time I feel very low tired and am more aware of all the losses...I have things to do which I will enjoy yet I can't be bothered to do them.
I am recovering from a tummy bug so I feel very tired , spent most of this weekend, resting sleeping, and still feel tired.
Margaret is coming over this evening , she has just lost her sister, I can't stand it for her, as I am pretty sure that would finish me off.We are going the hear Jeremy Corbyn at St Georges Plateau
then she is coming back to stay over with me.
I think we are going to do the POA thing on Thursday and that will be another £500 EEK.
I will be glad when that is paid for then theoretically I will have not more big expenses for a while.inshalla!
I would love you to be here ,to reassure me give me encouragement, although i always dealt with all the finances, most things in fact,it was so important to have you here in the back ground, just someone knowing what I am up to ,what I find difficult ,when I need , a well done for, appreciate what I do and who I am...and to be able to talk at a deep level about my feeling ,my hopes my fears.
I am good at being a pollyanna and in fact rather enjoy that role, and conversely I need to express the other important parts of me too.
I LOVE YOU MY DARLING HUSBAND...I MISS YOU.....TT
Wednesday, 29 June 2016
Past midsummer
Hello darling.
I have been visiting your tree in the park, dad's too.it is comforting to visit you both over there.
Life has been busy, I have been to Glasgow and back since I last checked in, Julie's wedding was delightful ,very romantic ceremony which I managed to get to in the nick of time.The party was lovely and most of the family were there. Andrew Lucy Philip and I had a lovely apartment in West Princes Street which we all enjoyed and we did a lot in the few days that we were there.Cinema, Walk along the Kelvin, football, family gathering, Botanic Gardens.
Philip and I stayed over ,after A&L left ,at Premier Inn at Charing Cross and we went up to Balloch for Philip's birthday meal.had drinks with S&H the a meal in a gastro pub, on The Leven.
I have run a few day workshops, which went well. I continue walking and doing my Jane Fonda, see friends for coffee's been to the theatre , especially enjoyed Bill Baily at the Phil with A&L.
Philip comes and goes from Manchester, which i enjoy,like the old days....we all miss you though....we don't always say it but it is around in the ether.
I have been to visit Johnny Ellie Archie and Martha, and that was a delightful weekend, during which Penny and co, came for a BBQ.
Penny is moving house, after a bit of stress, but it is done now.
I have been feeding a friend's chickens while they were on holiday, I got lots of eggs,and did a lot of baking, with the eggs, so lots of cakes in the freezer, and made a big Dundee cake and sent most of it to the grand children, apparently it went down well.
I have been to Manchester a few times to see Philip, have rarely been since he left, felt quite normal, it will be a shock when he goes back to Beijing.I always think of you on the journey, we went quite often together to visit with Philip back in the day.
I am just back from Sophie and Nick's wedding, it was a lovely event too, the ceremony was not as lovely as Julie's as it was in the Catholic church in Warwick and the priest, is probably bi polar.The rest of the wedding was happy joyful and good fun.
I ran another workshop on Monday for a mother and her three daughters.....fascinating from an Adlerian perspective. I enjoyed it , but after the wedding weekend, I have been left very tired, feel like I am coming down with a bug yet it is not coming to anything, just very tired, and lethargic.
I had coffee with Philip C yesterday, he is getting himself ready for the stone setting on Sunday, Anita's brother Bent is arriving today and Charlottie too. He seems so frail and a bit confused about some things,at times; other times, he is just like himself.
I miss you, I think I feel it more as time goes on, the initial love and support from family and friends has moved away a little as it must ,folk must get on with their lives, as indeed I need do....the love and care are still very much there for me when I am with people I am very very blessed...I know that..and it makes a big difference to me.I just don't know what is next, what do I want to do with the rest of my life....without you...and alone,which I am ok with, sometimes I feel a bit lonely, but for you my love.
The whole country seems sad and angry as we have voted to leave the EU we are fragmented and shaken.
I wish you were here to somehow make it ok, say "never mind hen, lets have a cup of tea, " "lets have a glass of wine, " "fancy going out for lunch?" give me a big bear hug.
Bright side, Lara is coming home soon, she is pregnant with your latest grand daughter, I have known for a while but did not want to mention it here in case this blog is read, unlikely as it seems, you never know.
I am having a gathering here of some friends to meet up with Philip on 14th July,.. Lara A&L and P on 21st July and we have Andrew's 46th birthday celebration on 23rd July....I am also having a gathering of Artist's Way students , on July 16th.- today it all feels to hard, but I am sure my energy will come back before all this starts up. I miss us doing these events together,,,,sharing the preparations , then the event and the afters of the events, is much more fun... I love you John, love of my life, I miss you, and I always will...Helen...TT xx
I have been visiting your tree in the park, dad's too.it is comforting to visit you both over there.
Life has been busy, I have been to Glasgow and back since I last checked in, Julie's wedding was delightful ,very romantic ceremony which I managed to get to in the nick of time.The party was lovely and most of the family were there. Andrew Lucy Philip and I had a lovely apartment in West Princes Street which we all enjoyed and we did a lot in the few days that we were there.Cinema, Walk along the Kelvin, football, family gathering, Botanic Gardens.
Philip and I stayed over ,after A&L left ,at Premier Inn at Charing Cross and we went up to Balloch for Philip's birthday meal.had drinks with S&H the a meal in a gastro pub, on The Leven.
I have run a few day workshops, which went well. I continue walking and doing my Jane Fonda, see friends for coffee's been to the theatre , especially enjoyed Bill Baily at the Phil with A&L.
Philip comes and goes from Manchester, which i enjoy,like the old days....we all miss you though....we don't always say it but it is around in the ether.
I have been to visit Johnny Ellie Archie and Martha, and that was a delightful weekend, during which Penny and co, came for a BBQ.
Penny is moving house, after a bit of stress, but it is done now.
I have been feeding a friend's chickens while they were on holiday, I got lots of eggs,and did a lot of baking, with the eggs, so lots of cakes in the freezer, and made a big Dundee cake and sent most of it to the grand children, apparently it went down well.
I have been to Manchester a few times to see Philip, have rarely been since he left, felt quite normal, it will be a shock when he goes back to Beijing.I always think of you on the journey, we went quite often together to visit with Philip back in the day.
I am just back from Sophie and Nick's wedding, it was a lovely event too, the ceremony was not as lovely as Julie's as it was in the Catholic church in Warwick and the priest, is probably bi polar.The rest of the wedding was happy joyful and good fun.
I ran another workshop on Monday for a mother and her three daughters.....fascinating from an Adlerian perspective. I enjoyed it , but after the wedding weekend, I have been left very tired, feel like I am coming down with a bug yet it is not coming to anything, just very tired, and lethargic.
I had coffee with Philip C yesterday, he is getting himself ready for the stone setting on Sunday, Anita's brother Bent is arriving today and Charlottie too. He seems so frail and a bit confused about some things,at times; other times, he is just like himself.
I miss you, I think I feel it more as time goes on, the initial love and support from family and friends has moved away a little as it must ,folk must get on with their lives, as indeed I need do....the love and care are still very much there for me when I am with people I am very very blessed...I know that..and it makes a big difference to me.I just don't know what is next, what do I want to do with the rest of my life....without you...and alone,which I am ok with, sometimes I feel a bit lonely, but for you my love.
The whole country seems sad and angry as we have voted to leave the EU we are fragmented and shaken.
I wish you were here to somehow make it ok, say "never mind hen, lets have a cup of tea, " "lets have a glass of wine, " "fancy going out for lunch?" give me a big bear hug.
Bright side, Lara is coming home soon, she is pregnant with your latest grand daughter, I have known for a while but did not want to mention it here in case this blog is read, unlikely as it seems, you never know.
I am having a gathering here of some friends to meet up with Philip on 14th July,.. Lara A&L and P on 21st July and we have Andrew's 46th birthday celebration on 23rd July....I am also having a gathering of Artist's Way students , on July 16th.- today it all feels to hard, but I am sure my energy will come back before all this starts up. I miss us doing these events together,,,,sharing the preparations , then the event and the afters of the events, is much more fun... I love you John, love of my life, I miss you, and I always will...Helen...TT xx
Tuesday, 17 May 2016
May 17th Philip home- wedding coming soon!
Hello darling John,
such a long time since I wrote to you, although I keep in touch at the park and I talk to your picture and talk to you in my head.
Since I was last writing here, I have seem a lawyer to get my will sorted out, and the power of attorney to Andrew and Philip....I met him a friend of Philip Cantors, on April 4th and now it is almost complete, just Andrew's signature needed now.
I have had a lomi lomi massage at last with Beth, I lost at the grand national this year, but enjoyed watching it with Andrew.
The whole apartment has been painted and looks good, the garden has been cleaned up for summer and we have new stone chips, and I have a little sculpture to remind me of our love, " the lovers"
I have finished my two Artist's Way groups and had a joint workshop with both groups one Saturday, at Rachels.It was good.
I went to visit Roy Long in hospital, he was in a lot of pain, and still unsure how he will be , very fragile.
I was very upset after the visit, I relived the months I visited you in hospital,and felt a great sense of loss of you.
I felt quite ill for about a week after it, and had to cancel a lot of things, which was good as I rarely do.
I have seen a lot of Philip C and Tony and that is a good thing, Lucy's niece Lola is to have Anita's amazing dolls house, which I am happy about.I miss Anita a lot.
I see more of Margaret these days, sadly her sister died a few weeks ago, her funeral is the same day and Julies wedding....lifes rich pattern.
I had a lovely weekend in Balloch with Sandra , we toured around the local spots, and visited Cardross seminary in memory of you, it was quite emotional.We also had a fantastic spa day at the Carrick.
Philip came home a week ago, and it has been lovely to have him here, even with his vast amounts of gear.
We caught up, ate food drank wine, toured Liverpool, enjoyed light night, and spent time with Andrew and Lucy.He is now visiting friends in Manchester. I have been catching up with work, banking, home care, shopping, preparations for travelling to Glasgow for Julie's wedding.
I miss you so much, I have had a lot of your art framed and have a shrine to your work in the little hallway.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.....sometimes I just want to close my eyes and be with you, where ever you are..I have some news for you..I will tell you next time, it is a little secret for now,and I don't want to give it away in case any one sees this blog, unlikely I know....did I say Johnny raised about £7000 for Marie Curie,,,you will be proud I know..I love you ,I miss you, I want to be with you, onwards and upwards,,,TT
Helen x
such a long time since I wrote to you, although I keep in touch at the park and I talk to your picture and talk to you in my head.
Since I was last writing here, I have seem a lawyer to get my will sorted out, and the power of attorney to Andrew and Philip....I met him a friend of Philip Cantors, on April 4th and now it is almost complete, just Andrew's signature needed now.
I have had a lomi lomi massage at last with Beth, I lost at the grand national this year, but enjoyed watching it with Andrew.
The whole apartment has been painted and looks good, the garden has been cleaned up for summer and we have new stone chips, and I have a little sculpture to remind me of our love, " the lovers"
I have finished my two Artist's Way groups and had a joint workshop with both groups one Saturday, at Rachels.It was good.
I went to visit Roy Long in hospital, he was in a lot of pain, and still unsure how he will be , very fragile.
I was very upset after the visit, I relived the months I visited you in hospital,and felt a great sense of loss of you.
I felt quite ill for about a week after it, and had to cancel a lot of things, which was good as I rarely do.
I have seen a lot of Philip C and Tony and that is a good thing, Lucy's niece Lola is to have Anita's amazing dolls house, which I am happy about.I miss Anita a lot.
I see more of Margaret these days, sadly her sister died a few weeks ago, her funeral is the same day and Julies wedding....lifes rich pattern.
I had a lovely weekend in Balloch with Sandra , we toured around the local spots, and visited Cardross seminary in memory of you, it was quite emotional.We also had a fantastic spa day at the Carrick.
Philip came home a week ago, and it has been lovely to have him here, even with his vast amounts of gear.
We caught up, ate food drank wine, toured Liverpool, enjoyed light night, and spent time with Andrew and Lucy.He is now visiting friends in Manchester. I have been catching up with work, banking, home care, shopping, preparations for travelling to Glasgow for Julie's wedding.
I miss you so much, I have had a lot of your art framed and have a shrine to your work in the little hallway.
I miss you I miss you I miss you.....sometimes I just want to close my eyes and be with you, where ever you are..I have some news for you..I will tell you next time, it is a little secret for now,and I don't want to give it away in case any one sees this blog, unlikely I know....did I say Johnny raised about £7000 for Marie Curie,,,you will be proud I know..I love you ,I miss you, I want to be with you, onwards and upwards,,,TT
Helen x
Friday, 1 April 2016
April 1st
Another April without you my darling John, I heard John Timpson on Desert Island Discs this morning, ( Timpson shoe repair shop) he lost is beloved wife Alex recently, she was the love of his life. he chose Buddy Holly -True Love Ways to remember her....the disc he would save if the waves took all the discs away.I cried for him and for me and for my girlhood, Buddy Holly was a big part of my every early teens.
I have been feeling a little below par lately, only able to eat a little toast or bread and butter and drink some hot water,I have been sleepless, and a little anxious, took me a while to realize that my stress levels are quite high , it dawned on me when I was on my way into town, walking, to see Hail Ceazar,and suddenly thought I cant face a movie, too noisy. That was a sign I was feeling stressed.
I have been facing some hard things, and missing you, and facing them because you are no longer with me.
I have things to look forward to. weddings, theater, seeing friends, my workshops, but I just want to see you , lean on you again, let you take over for a little while.
I am having the whole house painted before May, when I hope Philip will be home for a few weeks,he will stay with Malcolm.
The fuel allowance has still not arrived, very strange that it has not come this year.I find making those calls so stressful.I still feel anxious at times about money, but when I do the sums, all is well, another sign I am stressed. I always feel worried about money when I am stressed.
Onwards and upwards, I am having a facial this afternoon, which will help keep the stress levels down.
I love you. I miss talking to you. I miss our life ,my life with you,everything has changed, and nothing has changed in a funny way.
I have been watching Endeavor which I love ,you would too.Beautiful sets, great costumes and stories too.
I watched some old Poirot -Murder on the Orient Express.We loved that series many years ago in Hope Street.
I remember when we were running a course at Severn Trent Water Authority,you went on ahead of me, and I came on later due to working somewhere else before. I was trying to get the the Hotel, was it a Hotel, it was the Cadbury training centre we had rooms there.I was hurrying to meet you and to get there on time to see that night's episode of Poirot , I came into reception looking for you, and you saw me and came over and said I had walked into the place with such confidence, I was surprised, why wouldn't I. I realized they you were not quite as confident as me, you would have come in tentatively - on reflection you often wanted me to go in places first...and I did for a while, then I started to encourage you to go first, with me close behind.
All those memories from the theme tune to Poirot.
TT Helen x
I have been feeling a little below par lately, only able to eat a little toast or bread and butter and drink some hot water,I have been sleepless, and a little anxious, took me a while to realize that my stress levels are quite high , it dawned on me when I was on my way into town, walking, to see Hail Ceazar,and suddenly thought I cant face a movie, too noisy. That was a sign I was feeling stressed.
I have been facing some hard things, and missing you, and facing them because you are no longer with me.
I have things to look forward to. weddings, theater, seeing friends, my workshops, but I just want to see you , lean on you again, let you take over for a little while.
I am having the whole house painted before May, when I hope Philip will be home for a few weeks,he will stay with Malcolm.
The fuel allowance has still not arrived, very strange that it has not come this year.I find making those calls so stressful.I still feel anxious at times about money, but when I do the sums, all is well, another sign I am stressed. I always feel worried about money when I am stressed.
Onwards and upwards, I am having a facial this afternoon, which will help keep the stress levels down.
I love you. I miss talking to you. I miss our life ,my life with you,everything has changed, and nothing has changed in a funny way.
I have been watching Endeavor which I love ,you would too.Beautiful sets, great costumes and stories too.
I watched some old Poirot -Murder on the Orient Express.We loved that series many years ago in Hope Street.
I remember when we were running a course at Severn Trent Water Authority,you went on ahead of me, and I came on later due to working somewhere else before. I was trying to get the the Hotel, was it a Hotel, it was the Cadbury training centre we had rooms there.I was hurrying to meet you and to get there on time to see that night's episode of Poirot , I came into reception looking for you, and you saw me and came over and said I had walked into the place with such confidence, I was surprised, why wouldn't I. I realized they you were not quite as confident as me, you would have come in tentatively - on reflection you often wanted me to go in places first...and I did for a while, then I started to encourage you to go first, with me close behind.
All those memories from the theme tune to Poirot.
TT Helen x
Sunday, 27 March 2016
Easter Monday !
Special thoughts with you today darling John, you loved the music of this season of hope and joy - I find it very moving listening to it without you- TT 💐
Friday, 25 March 2016
Good Friday @ Everyman
Hi John
I'm am sitting in the Everyman - upstairs- smelling toast and coffee. It takes me back to the old Everyman cafe - the upstairs one where we often came for breakfast when we were not working - we had toasties which were toasted in the selephane wrap - which we thought was funny.
I have been sad - I finally managed to get to the bank and take your lovely familiar name off the bank accounts - I feel that I am betraying you - somehow- I know you would laugh at me and reassure me - but that is how I have been feeling - I am glad it is done I feel quite proud of myself , a few months ago I did not imagine that I could ever do it. They were very kind to me .
I have to do the same in Ireland but think it will all be done by post . I might ask Andrew to fill in the forms with me - it is less isolating having another human beings' presence when tackling tough things as I found out yesterday at the bank - Tracy even gave me a cup of tea- I don't think I have ever had a cup of tea in a bank ☕️🤗
I still have not received the winter fuel allowance - I have called them three times now- they assure me that it will come in time inshallah ! The hard thing is that as well as you not being here- I now have to do all the things that you did - you were good at patiently dealing with those types of calls and official form filling - I just don't like it- for some reason - I feel quite threatened by the questions - you often laughed at the stupidity of those official things- that comes from confidence - I can feel stupid - sometimes thinking it must be me - where as you thought it must be them- good on you John.
I miss you for many many reasons John- I miss our time together when we were younger and madly in love - I have had the picture that you painted in " calls de farafugel" framed- it is beautiful and picks up the romance of that time .
Love you .......always... TT xx
I'm am sitting in the Everyman - upstairs- smelling toast and coffee. It takes me back to the old Everyman cafe - the upstairs one where we often came for breakfast when we were not working - we had toasties which were toasted in the selephane wrap - which we thought was funny.
I have been sad - I finally managed to get to the bank and take your lovely familiar name off the bank accounts - I feel that I am betraying you - somehow- I know you would laugh at me and reassure me - but that is how I have been feeling - I am glad it is done I feel quite proud of myself , a few months ago I did not imagine that I could ever do it. They were very kind to me .
I have to do the same in Ireland but think it will all be done by post . I might ask Andrew to fill in the forms with me - it is less isolating having another human beings' presence when tackling tough things as I found out yesterday at the bank - Tracy even gave me a cup of tea- I don't think I have ever had a cup of tea in a bank ☕️🤗
I still have not received the winter fuel allowance - I have called them three times now- they assure me that it will come in time inshallah ! The hard thing is that as well as you not being here- I now have to do all the things that you did - you were good at patiently dealing with those types of calls and official form filling - I just don't like it- for some reason - I feel quite threatened by the questions - you often laughed at the stupidity of those official things- that comes from confidence - I can feel stupid - sometimes thinking it must be me - where as you thought it must be them- good on you John.
I miss you for many many reasons John- I miss our time together when we were younger and madly in love - I have had the picture that you painted in " calls de farafugel" framed- it is beautiful and picks up the romance of that time .
Love you .......always... TT xx
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
missing you
Darling John
I am missing you too much, it hurts,
I tried to take your name off the bank accounts, the last thing I have to do and not been able to face.
A few things went wrong so it is still not done but at least I have made a move in that direction.
Fifteen months since you died, and 18th months since I have been on my own. I feel tired a lot of the time this last few weeks, everything s a struggle, Too much change, Anita gone too, I see Philip, and Tony too since he moved back, and I appreciate seeing them both, but it is not the same as Anita and Andrea. And no one can make up for your loss, this hole in the middle of me which I thought had healed up a little and of course it has, just some times I get thrown back to the edge of the abyss.
Andrew and Lucy are in France, I miss them not being at PPM , even though I would not usually see them, I know they are there.
David wanted to talk to me on Sunday but I was out with Rachel wedding dress shopping for her.Which was bitter sweet, she so misses having her mum with her at this important time in her life.
I hope to talk to him soon. Easter week this week, a sad week really if you think of the meaning of it all.
More sorrow in Brussels this morning, terror is every where.A sad loss in Donegal yesterday, a whole family drowned when there car slipped into the water,...and so it goes ......the joys and sorrow of life on this planet...all I feel I can do is be kind to each person I am in contact with ,hoping it is like throwing a stone in a pond, there will be ripples and the ripples will take the kindness further into the world.
I miss you-- today i could just close my eyes and go to sleep and be with you.....
onwards and upwards......TT .....Helen
I am missing you too much, it hurts,
I tried to take your name off the bank accounts, the last thing I have to do and not been able to face.
A few things went wrong so it is still not done but at least I have made a move in that direction.
Fifteen months since you died, and 18th months since I have been on my own. I feel tired a lot of the time this last few weeks, everything s a struggle, Too much change, Anita gone too, I see Philip, and Tony too since he moved back, and I appreciate seeing them both, but it is not the same as Anita and Andrea. And no one can make up for your loss, this hole in the middle of me which I thought had healed up a little and of course it has, just some times I get thrown back to the edge of the abyss.
Andrew and Lucy are in France, I miss them not being at PPM , even though I would not usually see them, I know they are there.
David wanted to talk to me on Sunday but I was out with Rachel wedding dress shopping for her.Which was bitter sweet, she so misses having her mum with her at this important time in her life.
I hope to talk to him soon. Easter week this week, a sad week really if you think of the meaning of it all.
More sorrow in Brussels this morning, terror is every where.A sad loss in Donegal yesterday, a whole family drowned when there car slipped into the water,...and so it goes ......the joys and sorrow of life on this planet...all I feel I can do is be kind to each person I am in contact with ,hoping it is like throwing a stone in a pond, there will be ripples and the ripples will take the kindness further into the world.
I miss you-- today i could just close my eyes and go to sleep and be with you.....
onwards and upwards......TT .....Helen
Tuesday, 15 March 2016
Plays and feeling and work
I have seen two plays since I last wrote,Unsung at the Everyman, and the Herbal Garden at The Playhouse.
Two very good very different plays, Unsung wrung me out, about slave ships in Liverpool.
The Herbal Garden you would have loved all about Shakespeares daughter,We all enjoyed it very much.
I am in touch with Philip and Nina they are doing Ok missing Anita but OK, I was at the Adler meeting last night, once again we talked of our memories about Anita and we all said one positive thing in our own lives.
I am enjoying Artist's Way group and a new client who is learnrig all about Inner Child.
I have promised myself to have a few things completed by Easter, including taking your name off the bank accounts, it is so hard, but if I don't do it , it will be another thing for the children to deal with when I am gone.
I can't stand the thought of doing this, maybe because it is the last things that I have to do.
I collected the picture that you drew in Callella de Parafugel in 1989.....from Rennies, --it is beautiful and reminds me of that wonderful three weeks we had, very much in love, drawing painting, talking and talking making plans, making other things too......and lots more painting and drawing and drinking wine and watching the bats and the lighthouse in the evenings on the balcony.
Such a romantic time for us.
I love you John and I miss your lovely presence,
Helen..TT xx
Two very good very different plays, Unsung wrung me out, about slave ships in Liverpool.
The Herbal Garden you would have loved all about Shakespeares daughter,We all enjoyed it very much.
I am in touch with Philip and Nina they are doing Ok missing Anita but OK, I was at the Adler meeting last night, once again we talked of our memories about Anita and we all said one positive thing in our own lives.
I am enjoying Artist's Way group and a new client who is learnrig all about Inner Child.
I have promised myself to have a few things completed by Easter, including taking your name off the bank accounts, it is so hard, but if I don't do it , it will be another thing for the children to deal with when I am gone.
I can't stand the thought of doing this, maybe because it is the last things that I have to do.
I collected the picture that you drew in Callella de Parafugel in 1989.....from Rennies, --it is beautiful and reminds me of that wonderful three weeks we had, very much in love, drawing painting, talking and talking making plans, making other things too......and lots more painting and drawing and drinking wine and watching the bats and the lighthouse in the evenings on the balcony.
Such a romantic time for us.
I love you John and I miss your lovely presence,
Helen..TT xx
Saturday, 5 March 2016
March winds April showers bring forth May flowers.
March has arrived and with it winds and snow sleet and rain, the flowers too are here the crocuses Daffodils, and my snowdrops that I bought last year at Ness Gardens came up again this year, made me smile to see them.
I hope so much that the fuchsia plants you bought for me will come again this year.
I went to Dobbies with Brain and Celia yesterday to buy an apple tree in your memory . with a voucher for Dobbies that Liz and Phil bought me.
The tree I want, I now know is called a family tree, will be in any day, it grows eating and cooking apples, I need a new pot too. all do -able within the budget which is lovely.
I was very happy and touched to receive in the post yesterday two lovely cards, one is for Nick and Sophie's wedding, the other a beautiful thank you from one of my new students,she said lovely things about me,and about our love, which amazed me, as she did not know you, and hardly knows me, yet picked up on that, and she says our love has inspired her.
I am so happy to be going to Sophie and Nicks wedding, I have grown very fond of both of them over the years.it will be nice to share in their day and also to share it with Andrew and Lucy too.
I am going to Julie and Raph's wedding too this year their's is in May, I sent some memories to Sandra , memories of Julie over the years including you and the story of the heart from Brussles market.
I will be emotional at the weddings, more at Sophie and Nick's as I will see them getting married, that is such a magic moment for a couple, and of course it brings back memories of our wedding and you hardly able to say the vows you were so emotional.
I went with Julie when she was trying on dresses and that was hard enough, cried at that too....what is that ? happiness for her, expressed in tears, memories of her being born, seeing her growing up, realizing time goes so fast. We had our time and it was amazing, challenging inspiring, hard, easy so varied, and now you are gone, but so close to me in my heart.
Johnny's birthday tomorrow, mother's day too, how will Johnny and Ellie manage that day? who will be the star for the day :-)
I have sent Johnny's gift. and it has arrived safely. I will call him tomorrow, his second birthday without you dear John.
I have set the wheels in motion so that Castlenel will be left in Andrew and Philip's hands when Phil and I die, hope to make it as simple for them.
I am not being morbid, just if it is all done then I can get on with my life, knowing all is well,
Today I am going to The Playhouse to see A Raisin in the Sun, a play made from a famous book, set in Chicago looking at racism and poverty experienced by three generations of one family.
I feel quite tired, I feel there is a bug in my system, not coming to anything but feeling a little below par...I could easily curl up in bed with my book, but no onwards and upwards.
I sent my cousins Mary and Hugh an email about my day in Ilkley in memory of their dad, my uncle Hughie, and some pictures, I have heard from both of them ,they love to hear how much I loved their parents and remember them.I understand that I love to hear folks talks about my folks, and you, it lifts my spirits.
You are very much around in my head and heart, Penny sent me a picture of the children all dressed up for world book day ready to set off for school.
I said that I remembered us being there last year on that day and the excitement of the children.....then I realized it was two years ago....how time flies.
I love you darling..TT Helen
I hope so much that the fuchsia plants you bought for me will come again this year.
I went to Dobbies with Brain and Celia yesterday to buy an apple tree in your memory . with a voucher for Dobbies that Liz and Phil bought me.
The tree I want, I now know is called a family tree, will be in any day, it grows eating and cooking apples, I need a new pot too. all do -able within the budget which is lovely.
I was very happy and touched to receive in the post yesterday two lovely cards, one is for Nick and Sophie's wedding, the other a beautiful thank you from one of my new students,she said lovely things about me,and about our love, which amazed me, as she did not know you, and hardly knows me, yet picked up on that, and she says our love has inspired her.
I am so happy to be going to Sophie and Nicks wedding, I have grown very fond of both of them over the years.it will be nice to share in their day and also to share it with Andrew and Lucy too.
I am going to Julie and Raph's wedding too this year their's is in May, I sent some memories to Sandra , memories of Julie over the years including you and the story of the heart from Brussles market.
I will be emotional at the weddings, more at Sophie and Nick's as I will see them getting married, that is such a magic moment for a couple, and of course it brings back memories of our wedding and you hardly able to say the vows you were so emotional.
I went with Julie when she was trying on dresses and that was hard enough, cried at that too....what is that ? happiness for her, expressed in tears, memories of her being born, seeing her growing up, realizing time goes so fast. We had our time and it was amazing, challenging inspiring, hard, easy so varied, and now you are gone, but so close to me in my heart.
Johnny's birthday tomorrow, mother's day too, how will Johnny and Ellie manage that day? who will be the star for the day :-)
I have sent Johnny's gift. and it has arrived safely. I will call him tomorrow, his second birthday without you dear John.
I have set the wheels in motion so that Castlenel will be left in Andrew and Philip's hands when Phil and I die, hope to make it as simple for them.
I am not being morbid, just if it is all done then I can get on with my life, knowing all is well,
Today I am going to The Playhouse to see A Raisin in the Sun, a play made from a famous book, set in Chicago looking at racism and poverty experienced by three generations of one family.
I feel quite tired, I feel there is a bug in my system, not coming to anything but feeling a little below par...I could easily curl up in bed with my book, but no onwards and upwards.
I sent my cousins Mary and Hugh an email about my day in Ilkley in memory of their dad, my uncle Hughie, and some pictures, I have heard from both of them ,they love to hear how much I loved their parents and remember them.I understand that I love to hear folks talks about my folks, and you, it lifts my spirits.
You are very much around in my head and heart, Penny sent me a picture of the children all dressed up for world book day ready to set off for school.
I said that I remembered us being there last year on that day and the excitement of the children.....then I realized it was two years ago....how time flies.
I love you darling..TT Helen
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
February 29th 2016 Ilkley
Hello darling.
I have just come back from lovely walk in the park, and I stopped at yours and dad's tree to say hello and have a wee hug with you both.
Yesterday was leap day , actually it was not I have recently heard that leap day is in fact February 24th.
Anyway I decided to do something on the day that I have been meaning to do for a while, and that would make the day memorable.
I went to Ilkley in honour of my Uncle Hughie, and it is a beautiful place, lovely sandstone buildings, still has lovely wee shops, and beautiful back drop of the hills and the river Wharf running through it.
Max ,Andrew;s friend, met me there and she took me to have a look round her house, which is lovely and she has great plans to restore it and extend it.
We went to the Cow and the Calf, which is a high spot looking over the town and the hills, it was great, if rather windy, I felt quite emotional, even as I arrived in the station, thinking of uncle Hughie, and of course auntie Isa, I am absolutely sure I walked in his footsteps around the town and on the cow and calf.
I had a nice evening with Tony at the Phil we went to see Breabach a fantastic Scottish folk band, I was so delighted to get his take on them as a musician, I just loved them overall, but Tony heard things, brilliant things musically and was enchanted by them. I am pretty sure I am booking a weekend in Glasgow next January for Celtic Connections.
I am going to the Playhouse on Saturday afternoon, to see A Raisin in the Sun.One of my half a dozen things I booked to experience alone.
I miss you darling, I see couples in the park arm in arm out for a walk and I miss you.
I miss you because I need to talk, Philip is in Beijing, and his relationship has finished, and he is upset, and you are the one I tell about those things, you make a cup of tea, and sit me down and chat to me, your pour a glass of wine and chat to me, you take me over to the cricket club so we can talk about it....I miss you, love of my life.
March 1st St David's day to-day. I text David a message for his name day, said that you always talked about him on this date,
He said it meant a lot, as he had been thinking of you and was missing your St David's day message.I am glad I did it.
Much love TT XX
I have just come back from lovely walk in the park, and I stopped at yours and dad's tree to say hello and have a wee hug with you both.
Yesterday was leap day , actually it was not I have recently heard that leap day is in fact February 24th.
Anyway I decided to do something on the day that I have been meaning to do for a while, and that would make the day memorable.
I went to Ilkley in honour of my Uncle Hughie, and it is a beautiful place, lovely sandstone buildings, still has lovely wee shops, and beautiful back drop of the hills and the river Wharf running through it.
Max ,Andrew;s friend, met me there and she took me to have a look round her house, which is lovely and she has great plans to restore it and extend it.
We went to the Cow and the Calf, which is a high spot looking over the town and the hills, it was great, if rather windy, I felt quite emotional, even as I arrived in the station, thinking of uncle Hughie, and of course auntie Isa, I am absolutely sure I walked in his footsteps around the town and on the cow and calf.
I had a nice evening with Tony at the Phil we went to see Breabach a fantastic Scottish folk band, I was so delighted to get his take on them as a musician, I just loved them overall, but Tony heard things, brilliant things musically and was enchanted by them. I am pretty sure I am booking a weekend in Glasgow next January for Celtic Connections.
I am going to the Playhouse on Saturday afternoon, to see A Raisin in the Sun.One of my half a dozen things I booked to experience alone.
I miss you darling, I see couples in the park arm in arm out for a walk and I miss you.
I miss you because I need to talk, Philip is in Beijing, and his relationship has finished, and he is upset, and you are the one I tell about those things, you make a cup of tea, and sit me down and chat to me, your pour a glass of wine and chat to me, you take me over to the cricket club so we can talk about it....I miss you, love of my life.
March 1st St David's day to-day. I text David a message for his name day, said that you always talked about him on this date,
He said it meant a lot, as he had been thinking of you and was missing your St David's day message.I am glad I did it.
Much love TT XX
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
23 February 2016
Hello darling John
Yesterday I celebrated the 33 rd anniversary or our meeting by going on the Mersey Ferry and having lunch at The Tate ( a cheese toastie)for you .
I enjoyed the day which was greatly helped by beautiful blue skies and sunshine . I remembered our wedding day as well as reliving our meeting day - I was especially thinking of the coffees and lunches we had in the Tate's previous coffee shop which I preferred it was upstairs with a view over the water.
I am doing ok , miss you wish we could have wee chats . I imagine that you can hear the thoughts in my head when I talk to you .
Johnny said to me in a text that he has daffodils all through the house in your honour - I am sure he will be telling the children of the daffodils abounding the day he was born - as I retell Andrew the story of The Wonder of You - the first song I heard after he was born - The traditions of telling our family history goes on i have started writing a few stories about you , us ,for the grand children - children too . It matters to me and I imagine to them too, even if not now, in time. I bought myself a beginners art book at Tate and a raincoat that you can keep in your bag - I will think of you when I wear it as it was bought on 23/2 ❤️
Sam and Richard are not too well I will light candles for them and hold a good thought for them and Roy too . Life requires us to be strong enough to face the tough things the hard diagnosis and challenges and conversely embrace the wonder of life and folk that we love and the beauty and joy all around us . It is easy for the sea saw of life to be weighted in one direction or the other - staying too much with the tough things and awfulising life or avoiding the hard things and being a Pollyanna all the time . Balance is the secret flowing between all life's experiences openly and being genuine .
Ok enough philosophy - how about this I pronounce Eco - echo - is that a Scottish thing ? Or because of the Eco park in castalla - and does it really matter ?
I talked to Phil about getting the house in the boys names before we die as it will be a right fankle for the boys to sort out after we are gone .I was expecting a some resistance but surprisingly - he agreed to look into it. . I want to leave things in order it is so hard to face loss without all the practical things that have to be dealt with . I would like to have things so that they know what is what and what my wishes are .
I like to think that when I die I will be with you again - it is a nice idea- like the Christmas story !
I wonder what I will be up to on our 34 th anniversary ' if I am spared' as mum would say.
Love forever - TT Helen x
Yesterday I celebrated the 33 rd anniversary or our meeting by going on the Mersey Ferry and having lunch at The Tate ( a cheese toastie)for you .
I enjoyed the day which was greatly helped by beautiful blue skies and sunshine . I remembered our wedding day as well as reliving our meeting day - I was especially thinking of the coffees and lunches we had in the Tate's previous coffee shop which I preferred it was upstairs with a view over the water.
I am doing ok , miss you wish we could have wee chats . I imagine that you can hear the thoughts in my head when I talk to you .
Johnny said to me in a text that he has daffodils all through the house in your honour - I am sure he will be telling the children of the daffodils abounding the day he was born - as I retell Andrew the story of The Wonder of You - the first song I heard after he was born - The traditions of telling our family history goes on i have started writing a few stories about you , us ,for the grand children - children too . It matters to me and I imagine to them too, even if not now, in time. I bought myself a beginners art book at Tate and a raincoat that you can keep in your bag - I will think of you when I wear it as it was bought on 23/2 ❤️
Sam and Richard are not too well I will light candles for them and hold a good thought for them and Roy too . Life requires us to be strong enough to face the tough things the hard diagnosis and challenges and conversely embrace the wonder of life and folk that we love and the beauty and joy all around us . It is easy for the sea saw of life to be weighted in one direction or the other - staying too much with the tough things and awfulising life or avoiding the hard things and being a Pollyanna all the time . Balance is the secret flowing between all life's experiences openly and being genuine .
Ok enough philosophy - how about this I pronounce Eco - echo - is that a Scottish thing ? Or because of the Eco park in castalla - and does it really matter ?
I talked to Phil about getting the house in the boys names before we die as it will be a right fankle for the boys to sort out after we are gone .I was expecting a some resistance but surprisingly - he agreed to look into it. . I want to leave things in order it is so hard to face loss without all the practical things that have to be dealt with . I would like to have things so that they know what is what and what my wishes are .
I like to think that when I die I will be with you again - it is a nice idea- like the Christmas story !
I wonder what I will be up to on our 34 th anniversary ' if I am spared' as mum would say.
Love forever - TT Helen x
Monday, 22 February 2016
Martha's birthday !
Hello John
Today is Martha's third birthday - you were so happy when she was born and you loved her and she loved you as little as she was she lit up when she saw you .
She had a lovely birthday feeding ducks in regent park 🤗 I sent her a doll with lots of cloths to change about and a little set of crayons in a little case with a handle .
It was Lucy's birthday on 19th we had her celebration on 20 th she enjoyed it all although The Quarter let us down - the service was bad and Lucy's food was disappointing- but we still enjoyed each other's company Liz and Phil were with us - we came back here for desserts - I set the table before I left with our new purple table cloth and placemats and new white napkins - I have lots of fairy lights candles and the place looked well- I made polish cake - Victoria sponge and sachertotre- we had ice cream and double cream - and a selection of childhood sweets - and of course lots of lovely gifts - I put a photo of us with Philip on our wedding day as a book mark in one of Lucy's books - so that you and Philip were herein our hearts and thoughts!
Tomorrow is the 33 red anniversary of our meeting - I am going to Tate for lunch then a trip on the ferry to honour the day - love you miss you
Helen TT
Today is Martha's third birthday - you were so happy when she was born and you loved her and she loved you as little as she was she lit up when she saw you .
She had a lovely birthday feeding ducks in regent park 🤗 I sent her a doll with lots of cloths to change about and a little set of crayons in a little case with a handle .
It was Lucy's birthday on 19th we had her celebration on 20 th she enjoyed it all although The Quarter let us down - the service was bad and Lucy's food was disappointing- but we still enjoyed each other's company Liz and Phil were with us - we came back here for desserts - I set the table before I left with our new purple table cloth and placemats and new white napkins - I have lots of fairy lights candles and the place looked well- I made polish cake - Victoria sponge and sachertotre- we had ice cream and double cream - and a selection of childhood sweets - and of course lots of lovely gifts - I put a photo of us with Philip on our wedding day as a book mark in one of Lucy's books - so that you and Philip were herein our hearts and thoughts!
Tomorrow is the 33 red anniversary of our meeting - I am going to Tate for lunch then a trip on the ferry to honour the day - love you miss you
Helen TT
Tuesday, 16 February 2016
Valentines Day
Darling John , as I said before ,
I feel stronger now, less likely to crumple at the drop of a hat, I described this to a friend as, the gaping hole in my middle is being filled in with lots of beautiful colours, and each colour is a memory of you dear John and a delightful one too.
However I did crumple a little on Valentine's day - I went to Fact to see You Got Mail-- deliberately avoiding Casablanca- your favourite film. Only to be confronted with lots lovers going into the" box" together, red cushions on the settees and chocolates being handed out by lovely people wishing us happy valentines day....I did MISS you my darling John at LOT at that moment.I can honestly say though I did like to see so many folk in love _ I heard a woman on the radio who said she felt resentment ,she has also lost her husband, that is sad. We have had out time, and now other people are having their time.I celebrate love in all forms. This beautiful blue planet hanging in the awesome universe could use a lot more love in it.We have so much to be grateful for and so many folk miss it they are so filled with rage and anger.
I have been out and about at the cinema, the Philharmonic, and tonight I am going to the Empire with Philip Cantor to see the ballet Sleeping Beauty.I think it will be wonderful.
This week I finished two of my six week courses they have both been really worthwhile; and exciting to see the movement in my students.
I have kept in touch with all your children partners; and grandchildren, who I am growing to love a lot,
They all have busy lives , time passes and then I hear from one of them and it lifts my spirits, I hope to visit Penny and Johnny in the spring, David not so sure when maybe the autumn.I feel sure the are happy for me to be in their lives, they are so loving and encourage me to visit and that feels good and true.
We are all busy folk and our intentions are good when you don't live close by you get caught up in what is in front of you, and as you know I always say, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with.
Philip is happy and in love ( I think) certainly enjoying the joys of the early stages of getting to know another person, and I hear less from him, and I am ok with that because his is doing what he is meant to be doing ,living life, they all are.
I see a lot of Andrew and Lucy, although Lucy has been very very busy this year and I have only seen her twice this year both times last weekend.she is thriving and glowing her business it growing and doing well, I feel very proud of her,and she is as lovely as ever.
Andrew is amazing he keeps in touch, helps we with all kinds of things practical and otherwise and we watch the match together go out for a drink together, make plans about entertainment and soon we will plan our trip to dear Julies wedding to Raph, I feel very included in his life and Lucy's and I think, I am not a burden, they have such rich lives, with friends work and travel, I am a part of their lives, but not in their way, I think about that because I know the people closest to the parents can feel they have a burden on their shoulders.
I know from experience how that can be.
I am in touch with Robert, I love that young man, he and Paul have moved to Bearsden and are so much happier there.
I would like to visit them and Jenny and Qwynneth next time I am in Scotland, I might have a longer trip when I go to Julies wedding and do some catching up with the families. I also miss Inveraray, it has been on my mind a lit lately, I miss being there with dad and with the children when they were young and loving Scoobie Doo and the freedom there.
Darling John I was at your tree the other day I go often, I can still see some you your ashes around the bottom, long may they be there, I remember when I noticed dad's were gone, it made me feel sad again, but them i realised that in the spring he is in the new leaves as you will be this spring and so the cycle of life goes on.
TT
Monday, 8 February 2016
Turned a corner
Hello darling John
after the sheer desperation I felt over Christmas and your 1st anniversary and three weeks of a bad cough, I feel a lot better.
I think I have turned a corner .I think of you and I feel a warm glow I smile when I look at your picture. Instead if the gut wrenching pain I have been feeling ,the gaping hole in my middle seems to be being coloured in by bright colours which are you in many guises.
We had a wonderful life together a lot of hard times and a lot of spectacular times, I cherish all the memories
Since you went into hospital on September 24th 2014 I have lived alone, and I like it,I like making my own decisions, I like not having to consult, to choose what I want where to go, how I live, what I eat ,which cafe, which movie, which play, which concert.
It is not a comparison, I have loved and cherished all stages of my life; this is the one I am living now and it is good. I have less money that I ever had, but feel in control and better off.
I love you and I always will.....Helen TT
after the sheer desperation I felt over Christmas and your 1st anniversary and three weeks of a bad cough, I feel a lot better.
I think I have turned a corner .I think of you and I feel a warm glow I smile when I look at your picture. Instead if the gut wrenching pain I have been feeling ,the gaping hole in my middle seems to be being coloured in by bright colours which are you in many guises.
We had a wonderful life together a lot of hard times and a lot of spectacular times, I cherish all the memories
Since you went into hospital on September 24th 2014 I have lived alone, and I like it,I like making my own decisions, I like not having to consult, to choose what I want where to go, how I live, what I eat ,which cafe, which movie, which play, which concert.
It is not a comparison, I have loved and cherished all stages of my life; this is the one I am living now and it is good. I have less money that I ever had, but feel in control and better off.
I love you and I always will.....Helen TT
Tuesday, 26 January 2016
lots of things on my mind!
Darling John
I am so tired, I think I have reached the apathy stage of grief, I am simply tired and my energy levels are very low.
I made arrangements to see people this week for coffee and lunches, assuming I would have recovered from the busyness of the festive season, but I look at my diary for this week and my heart sinks, I have arranged to see Beth and Jenny, who I have just cancelled, for today. Patsy Kev, Andrea, Philip C...I am hoping lying low today will allow me to see all the above.
David is so encouraging about me going to HK but really the idea makes my shoulders droop.I must be tired, I would normally love the idea of travelling and seeing folk, especially David.
Philip MAY be coming home in May, just maybe, if that happens,I will definitely stay put.
I just need a year of normality and peace, the last few years were very hard when mum dad and then you were all ill needing attending and then all the deaths of three of the most important people in my life. This last year of grieving was emotionally exhausting and physically too - I kept going said yes to everything, a lot of travelling, and one thing I know, being a couple means when you are with folk one of you can have a rest, when you are on your own, there is a lot of focus on you and it is a lot more work, I am finding people tiring even the folk I love and am close too.
I miss Anita I did not have to make such an effort with her,she was a rock a great friend and my mentor. I am only starting to realise she is gone.and I miss her
I like being with Andrew , he is easy company and helpful too, he helped me with the tv licence and the driving licence, I now have to do everything on my own and it is lovely to have someone giving a hand, with some things. He also sorted out the answering machine, long story, suffice to say, I now have a working machine,thanks to him.
I have booked to go to the Phil to see Vieux Farcia Toure on Friday night, Breabach ,Scottish violinists on February 26th and to see two plays one at the Playhouse on March 5th A Raison in the Sun and one at the Everyman Unsung on March 10th and I might be going to see the Herbal Bed with Andrew and Lucy on March 11th,have not got tickets yet.We would definitely have gone to see this one it is about Shakespeare's daughter.. Let's hope I have rallied by the time they are all on.
I think my two groups are taking more out of me that I realise, I love them but I do feel tired after them I spend the whole day planning the course, making handouts thinking up exercises, and of course baking cakes..that;s twice a week, and although it seems effortless, as you well know making it safe and relaxed is a skill and work.
I will soon be starting my writing, Feb 1st is the date in my diary, I want to write some short stories about you Grandpa for the grand children, and my book, what ever it turns out to be
" The Have Turned My Grannie's Kitchen Into A Gent's toilet" a possible title.
I have started a little but I will be serious from 1/2..however if this tiredness keeps up I will delay the start date, life is too short to put pressure on myself.
I will be 68 this year, and I feel myself changing, my body is changing my energy levels are changing, " A woman's Journey"what our poor bodies go through in a life time.
The children don't like me saying " if I am spared" or "when I am not here "but it is realistic look at David Bowie and Alan Rickman both in my age group.
I have had "give while you live" all five have something of mine and a lot of your things.
They have your book and each of them have your Bold Street Research and you Sweet peas.
I think Andrew will be the one to have to sort things out here when I go, or should I say come to you, (I wish) I downsize all the time, I hope I have left the apartment nicer than we found it for Philip, and the new things can be shared out or sent to a charity shop who knows.
I seem to have accumulated more jewellery since I gave a lot away...but nothing of value just sentimental.
I have a pink folder with a lot of banking information for Andrew to deal with when the time comes. I leave it out by the PC when I go travelling, it probably needs updated, as thing do.
I am glad you did not have all this to deal with , for me as I am the last one and on my own I feel it is important to leave things well, it is ever changing of course. Luckily there is no house or large amounts on money- just personal things- but I see how important they are to the Collins family and the Lightbody family . My two still have both parents, they have not had all that to deal with; they have some experience as they were close to me when you died and have been aware of what went on after ma and pa died. Especially Andrew.
I miss our chats, our cuppas , our time together....I love you ..TT x
I am so tired, I think I have reached the apathy stage of grief, I am simply tired and my energy levels are very low.
I made arrangements to see people this week for coffee and lunches, assuming I would have recovered from the busyness of the festive season, but I look at my diary for this week and my heart sinks, I have arranged to see Beth and Jenny, who I have just cancelled, for today. Patsy Kev, Andrea, Philip C...I am hoping lying low today will allow me to see all the above.
David is so encouraging about me going to HK but really the idea makes my shoulders droop.I must be tired, I would normally love the idea of travelling and seeing folk, especially David.
Philip MAY be coming home in May, just maybe, if that happens,I will definitely stay put.
I just need a year of normality and peace, the last few years were very hard when mum dad and then you were all ill needing attending and then all the deaths of three of the most important people in my life. This last year of grieving was emotionally exhausting and physically too - I kept going said yes to everything, a lot of travelling, and one thing I know, being a couple means when you are with folk one of you can have a rest, when you are on your own, there is a lot of focus on you and it is a lot more work, I am finding people tiring even the folk I love and am close too.
I miss Anita I did not have to make such an effort with her,she was a rock a great friend and my mentor. I am only starting to realise she is gone.and I miss her
I like being with Andrew , he is easy company and helpful too, he helped me with the tv licence and the driving licence, I now have to do everything on my own and it is lovely to have someone giving a hand, with some things. He also sorted out the answering machine, long story, suffice to say, I now have a working machine,thanks to him.
I have booked to go to the Phil to see Vieux Farcia Toure on Friday night, Breabach ,Scottish violinists on February 26th and to see two plays one at the Playhouse on March 5th A Raison in the Sun and one at the Everyman Unsung on March 10th and I might be going to see the Herbal Bed with Andrew and Lucy on March 11th,have not got tickets yet.We would definitely have gone to see this one it is about Shakespeare's daughter.. Let's hope I have rallied by the time they are all on.
I think my two groups are taking more out of me that I realise, I love them but I do feel tired after them I spend the whole day planning the course, making handouts thinking up exercises, and of course baking cakes..that;s twice a week, and although it seems effortless, as you well know making it safe and relaxed is a skill and work.
I will soon be starting my writing, Feb 1st is the date in my diary, I want to write some short stories about you Grandpa for the grand children, and my book, what ever it turns out to be
" The Have Turned My Grannie's Kitchen Into A Gent's toilet" a possible title.
I have started a little but I will be serious from 1/2..however if this tiredness keeps up I will delay the start date, life is too short to put pressure on myself.
I will be 68 this year, and I feel myself changing, my body is changing my energy levels are changing, " A woman's Journey"what our poor bodies go through in a life time.
The children don't like me saying " if I am spared" or "when I am not here "but it is realistic look at David Bowie and Alan Rickman both in my age group.
I have had "give while you live" all five have something of mine and a lot of your things.
They have your book and each of them have your Bold Street Research and you Sweet peas.
I think Andrew will be the one to have to sort things out here when I go, or should I say come to you, (I wish) I downsize all the time, I hope I have left the apartment nicer than we found it for Philip, and the new things can be shared out or sent to a charity shop who knows.
I seem to have accumulated more jewellery since I gave a lot away...but nothing of value just sentimental.
I have a pink folder with a lot of banking information for Andrew to deal with when the time comes. I leave it out by the PC when I go travelling, it probably needs updated, as thing do.
I am glad you did not have all this to deal with , for me as I am the last one and on my own I feel it is important to leave things well, it is ever changing of course. Luckily there is no house or large amounts on money- just personal things- but I see how important they are to the Collins family and the Lightbody family . My two still have both parents, they have not had all that to deal with; they have some experience as they were close to me when you died and have been aware of what went on after ma and pa died. Especially Andrew.
I miss our chats, our cuppas , our time together....I love you ..TT x
slight improvement!
Darling John
I feel a little stronger, less fragile, I miss you and I think of you all the time, but it is not so raw so deeply painful.I know you will be pleased about that, you did not like me to be sad...but I love you and I miss you and I had to allow myself to grieve as painful as it has been,it is my last task for you, to mourn your loss.
I am having little niggley things go wrong, dishwasher been out of action since November, Hopefully it will come back on Monday inshalla!
TV not been right I had a replacement free view box and now the ariel is broken and the guy said it was too dangerous for him to go up to fix it!
All first world problems, but take up time to sort out.Andrew helped me apply for my new driving licence, and my first ever TV licence, it was always in your name. I love you TT
I feel a little stronger, less fragile, I miss you and I think of you all the time, but it is not so raw so deeply painful.I know you will be pleased about that, you did not like me to be sad...but I love you and I miss you and I had to allow myself to grieve as painful as it has been,it is my last task for you, to mourn your loss.
I am having little niggley things go wrong, dishwasher been out of action since November, Hopefully it will come back on Monday inshalla!
TV not been right I had a replacement free view box and now the ariel is broken and the guy said it was too dangerous for him to go up to fix it!
All first world problems, but take up time to sort out.Andrew helped me apply for my new driving licence, and my first ever TV licence, it was always in your name. I love you TT
Thursday, 14 January 2016
January 15 catch up
Hello darling
I am only just beginning to feel a bit better this flu has hung around now for two weeks...but I think I have turned a corner.
I saw Philip Cantor last week for a coffee...he is doing so well, his grief is much quieter than mine, but we are both doing the best we can to live without you and dear Anita, I really miss her now I am starting to believe that she is gone.it is so hard keeping going staying positive when I miss so many folk.
The children my family and friends keep me afloat..and I enjoy living alone, I always knew I would, a new thing that I have never experienced, sixteen months now since you went to Marie Curie.
If you can't be here I don't want to live with anyone else. I like my own company, I like seeing my students, clients, friends, going to Fact.Tate.Galleries and the park.I like planning my courses, reading my books, watching favourite programmes on Tv and so much love Radio 4.
I like to give encouragement I am good at that and it is so much needed in this sometimes wonderful sometimes cruel world.I feel I have a contribution to make. I am able to take time to get to know people and be specific about their strengths and give support in the fragile parts.
It is good to feel useful ,you needed me for so long as did ma and pa,,,I felt a bit lost for a good while, but now I have found myself, my purpose once again, it was of course always there.
I am hibernating this month ,as we always did in Spancilhill,,,walking the dogs, reading ,cooking up food for the freezer...watching movies..being close...great times great memories of our precious time in Ireland..just you and me.
Kate is 10 now, she is lovely coming out of her shell...blossoming a joy to be a part of her life.
A joy to be part of all the grand children's lives. I love being a yaya , thank you for those children in my life...if it wasnot for you I would not have that lovely role.
David Bowie died the other day....the world is in shock.he had cancer and kept it quiet.he make a very elegant exit.I loved him singing Dancing in the Street with Mick Jagger ,he made a stunning entrance.
Today Alan Rickman died..I feel so sad about his death, I actually shouted at the radio, no no no, I loved his work right since" truly madly deeply" I remember we watched that film together and we both cried buckets.
The cycle of life....goes on...
I love you John Lightbody, always have always will...TT...Helen
I am only just beginning to feel a bit better this flu has hung around now for two weeks...but I think I have turned a corner.
I saw Philip Cantor last week for a coffee...he is doing so well, his grief is much quieter than mine, but we are both doing the best we can to live without you and dear Anita, I really miss her now I am starting to believe that she is gone.it is so hard keeping going staying positive when I miss so many folk.
The children my family and friends keep me afloat..and I enjoy living alone, I always knew I would, a new thing that I have never experienced, sixteen months now since you went to Marie Curie.
If you can't be here I don't want to live with anyone else. I like my own company, I like seeing my students, clients, friends, going to Fact.Tate.Galleries and the park.I like planning my courses, reading my books, watching favourite programmes on Tv and so much love Radio 4.
I like to give encouragement I am good at that and it is so much needed in this sometimes wonderful sometimes cruel world.I feel I have a contribution to make. I am able to take time to get to know people and be specific about their strengths and give support in the fragile parts.
It is good to feel useful ,you needed me for so long as did ma and pa,,,I felt a bit lost for a good while, but now I have found myself, my purpose once again, it was of course always there.
I am hibernating this month ,as we always did in Spancilhill,,,walking the dogs, reading ,cooking up food for the freezer...watching movies..being close...great times great memories of our precious time in Ireland..just you and me.
Kate is 10 now, she is lovely coming out of her shell...blossoming a joy to be a part of her life.
A joy to be part of all the grand children's lives. I love being a yaya , thank you for those children in my life...if it wasnot for you I would not have that lovely role.
David Bowie died the other day....the world is in shock.he had cancer and kept it quiet.he make a very elegant exit.I loved him singing Dancing in the Street with Mick Jagger ,he made a stunning entrance.
Today Alan Rickman died..I feel so sad about his death, I actually shouted at the radio, no no no, I loved his work right since" truly madly deeply" I remember we watched that film together and we both cried buckets.
The cycle of life....goes on...
I love you John Lightbody, always have always will...TT...Helen
Saturday, 2 January 2016
January 2016
Darling John
I have lived through another New Year's Eve with out you,
I had a wonderful evening with Andrew, we had some wine and nibbles here and a little catch up, then to the Philharmonic Hall to see Happy Birthday Mr Sinatra which we both really enjoyed, the orchestra were really great as was the singer (?) was too.. after the enjoyable concert we went along to The Pen Factory for drinks and nibbles, they had a live band playing , the first drinks were free, we sat and chatted enjoyed the atmosphere and then it was 2016, we kissed and hugged and wished each other happy new year, I thought of You and Mum and Dad and Anita Gavin auntie Isa all my dear absent family and friends. We rang round some family,,,,it was really special to be with Andrew.
I have a bad cold now and sore throat, and have postponed my Christmas gathering tomorrow....just not up to it..all the excitement emotion sadness joy and sorrow of this year this season has caught up with me.....I will hibernate, stay warm, and recover.
As always I love you I miss you .I am now facing into another year with out you.
Dear John- God -Goddess -Universe -Existence - give me strength to get through this year.
TT. Helen X
I have lived through another New Year's Eve with out you,
I had a wonderful evening with Andrew, we had some wine and nibbles here and a little catch up, then to the Philharmonic Hall to see Happy Birthday Mr Sinatra which we both really enjoyed, the orchestra were really great as was the singer (?) was too.. after the enjoyable concert we went along to The Pen Factory for drinks and nibbles, they had a live band playing , the first drinks were free, we sat and chatted enjoyed the atmosphere and then it was 2016, we kissed and hugged and wished each other happy new year, I thought of You and Mum and Dad and Anita Gavin auntie Isa all my dear absent family and friends. We rang round some family,,,,it was really special to be with Andrew.
I have a bad cold now and sore throat, and have postponed my Christmas gathering tomorrow....just not up to it..all the excitement emotion sadness joy and sorrow of this year this season has caught up with me.....I will hibernate, stay warm, and recover.
As always I love you I miss you .I am now facing into another year with out you.
Dear John- God -Goddess -Universe -Existence - give me strength to get through this year.
TT. Helen X
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