Darling John
I am home in Ullet Road after a very busy loving happy sad time away in Castlenel and Cambridge with all of our children their partners and grand children.
It was wonderful to see and hug and kiss Philip once again...he is as handsome and filled with wonder as ever he was.
He is enjoying Beijing and life as an Ex Pat I think he will be there for a while yet- some things might encourage him to move but if not he is OK.
My worry is the pollution; he has had a close shave with Sarcoidosous (?) he had a clean bill of health when he left here. I worry that the pollution will damage his lungs irrevocably ; I mentioned this to him,but of course no one believes bad things can happen to them.he has bought a mask, not the best one though.
Castlenel looks well all the new things improve the kitchen.We decorated in for Christmas and it looked very festive very beautiful. So much of our history is over there in boxes and in memories.
We lit the advent tree on Christmas eve...and I/we remembered you my love.
All the food and the gifts and Castalla were beautiful - we all went to Benidorm on Boxing Day to see Star Wars -The Force Awakens.I enjoyed it all over again, maybe even more.
I felt so sad saying farewell to Philip ,he was looking forward to the arrival on Neil after I left.
I had a beautiful warm welcome in Cambridge, the house was festive with lights candles , the children were all going off to bed, but were able to come to say night night to Yaya..Kate was allowed to stay up later ; she has come out of her shell and wore the beautiful dress I bought her, and she did a great dance, and played her favourite song. which Steve and Penny joined in." A Letter to my future Husband" very funny and funky -you would laugh too.
Lots of hugs from children, J&E- P&S ---after a while D&L arrived more hugs and love.
We had mackerel ,smoked salmon and nibbles round the fire....I gave out Philip's gifts, then the Sweetpeas- and the book that I had got made of your research on Bold Street.I think you would be pleased about that- it was emotional they were all touched, and we all cried.
We then had a beautiful meal made by Ellie, seared tuna and mash and a beautiful salad...
after dinner all your children talked a lot about you, their love for you, we all shared our memories, sang songs, Johnny read the speech you wrote for our 20th wedding anniversary.David and Penny sang a very beautiful song which took them a bit of time to get right, and it was worth it ,it was beautiful.Lara sang Scarborough Fair.
Lots of emotion that night....beautiful and sad too- you are such a loss to all of us, A&L&P too.
After saying farewell to J&E and co I went out for a walk and lunch by the river with D&L-great to have that time with them to catch up and check out how they really are....and really they are struggling, life work balance not great, diet not too good ,they hope to work on that soon, I will keep an eye on them, send wee nudges from time to time.
Never the less it was fantastic to spend time with them and make plans for a trip to visit with them before they head to Shanghi - if that is what they do.
I had dinner with P&S that night. a lovely yummy takeaway, and we had a deep and meaningful conversation, about their lives and plans.
On the 29th Kate took me to Hot Numbers for a coffee- I was so touched that is what she decided to do with the money I sent her for Christmas...coffee and cakes together.
So my beloved husband- I have lived for one whole year without you...I did not think I could do that last year at this time -I remember thinking a month would be impossible. With the help of my sisters friends, family, our wonderful Lightmans, and in particular A&L who are the closest geographically of course.I am here at hogmanay 2015 a whole year that you have not lived in....except of course in our hearts.
I am going out tonight to the Phil to a Frank Sinatra birthday concert...he would have been 100 this year.I am going with Andrew :-)
I will keep the tree up till 12th night as is our tradition....I am having a wee gathering a last hurrah for Christmas on January 3rd, Patsy and Kev will be here.....sadly no Anita this year, B&C are away as are Liz and Phil....maybe A&L will come and I will ask Tony and M&M.....I miss you John, you loved all this festive stuff...I did/do -not so much without you...but I will keep the traditions going in your honour.
I wonder where you are-will I ever see you again...? what a great thing that would be....I want to let you go, as it said in the poem, love me remember me and let me go....I have let you go in some ways,in other ways I am holding on....maybe by next year at this time...I will let go more...maybe stop this blog as I did for pa...after two years.
As this year grows to a close- "you are in my heart you are in my soul you'll be my breath when I grow old "
I love you..TT...Helen ; talk next year x
Thursday, 31 December 2015
Monday, 21 December 2015
Travelling to Castalla !
Darling John
I am leaving for Castalla to-day...I will miss you here..and miss you again in Castlenel.
I am very excited about seeing Philip again...to actually see him and touch him and hug him....amazing.
I have lots to look forward to over Christmas with dear Andrew and Lucy who have been towers of strength this year- seeing Philip- seeing the new thing sin Castlenel....and being a little family for a few days- with Phil there too.
Then to spend time with all your dear children their partners and the grandchildren....I will be with them on the evening of 27th and the morning of 28th -your one year anniversary....I simply cannot believe that I have lived almost a year with out you my sweet love.
I will tell you all about it when I am back in my sanctuary Ullet Road...
I love you now -I loved you then -I love you always....my love is indeed like a red red rose newly sprung in June....as vibrant as ever it was.
" so deep in love am I"
Forever and always....Helen...TT...xx
I am leaving for Castalla to-day...I will miss you here..and miss you again in Castlenel.
I am very excited about seeing Philip again...to actually see him and touch him and hug him....amazing.
I have lots to look forward to over Christmas with dear Andrew and Lucy who have been towers of strength this year- seeing Philip- seeing the new thing sin Castlenel....and being a little family for a few days- with Phil there too.
Then to spend time with all your dear children their partners and the grandchildren....I will be with them on the evening of 27th and the morning of 28th -your one year anniversary....I simply cannot believe that I have lived almost a year with out you my sweet love.
I will tell you all about it when I am back in my sanctuary Ullet Road...
I love you now -I loved you then -I love you always....my love is indeed like a red red rose newly sprung in June....as vibrant as ever it was.
" so deep in love am I"
Forever and always....Helen...TT...xx
Thursday, 17 December 2015
The Force Awakens
Hello darling John
as ever I miss you...and I have been busy.
Enjoying the new Artist's Way group...I have had two half days with the group with a view to starting our course of workshops on January 14th -a Thursday- and The Creative Cluster...the alumni are with me again on a Monday evening.
I am seeing two clients still people who have been with me for years on and off since I came back to Liverpool. I supervise Brian which I enjoy.
I did a three hour intro to inner child with one young woman last week...it was very successful but wow three hours one on one..all that concentration..I was wiped out after....to think I used to see six folk a day in Ireland.
I love the work ..but need to keep the balance right as I get older I find it takes more out of me.
I need to work too....for my soul...I like making a difference in people's lives- it is my gift and it is a privilege,
I need to fill up the hole in my life since you left me....and work helps..just enough.
I went to a celebration of Anita's life with the Adlerian society on Monday evening..it was a beautiful tribute to my dear Anita and Nina was there I felt so proud of her she was dignified and so real...like her mum,she is such a beautiful young woman in all ways she said she felt uplifted by all the stories about Anita.I understand that totally that is how I feel when folk talk about you.
I still post on your facebook site...write to you here....talk to you at the Beech tree...and to your picture...if I have a glass of wine I always toast your picture. --silently --if I think people with think I am crazy.
I went to the Metropolitan Cathedral a few weeks ago...a celebration of the work of Marie Curie and we lit candles for our loved one...you in my case, I also thought of Anita and my auntie Isa.
It was very moving with beautiful poems ,music and songs and the helpers came in at the end carrying daffodils,,,that made me cry.
Dear John Christmas is not the same without you...I decorated the tree by myself....actually it was ok..comforting...memories with each decoration...and the music- we were very happy...very lucky-I am thankful for that my dear love.
I saw Patsy yesterday///they are up to their eyes in dust and much from the builders in their new home...but she is philosophical about it.as they are away for Christmas.
I love those two....hope to see more of them next year.....the house is looking festive, tree books music, new sofa .new floor lamp..old fireplace gone and the tv on the wall....I wonder what you would make of it all.
I was at the doctor this morning...all ok she gave me some cream for a rash I have had since Halloween, kept thinking it would just go...but it did not.
Dishwasher guy just left...fourth visit....looks like they need to take it away to look at it in the workshop...thank goodness I am away for nine days over Christmas.
The big news everywhere is the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens opens today,in fact they showed it at one minute past midnight in all the cinemas...it is going to be on 24/7 for weeks.
Happily Andrew and Lucy invited me to go with them tomorrow night...aren't they great- I was thinking of going tonight or tomorrow afternoon to fact....but this is great we are going to the Odeon in town tickets...cost an arm and a leg..so it must be special.
I love you darling I miss you...love you always and forever,,,Helen T.T. xx
as ever I miss you...and I have been busy.
Enjoying the new Artist's Way group...I have had two half days with the group with a view to starting our course of workshops on January 14th -a Thursday- and The Creative Cluster...the alumni are with me again on a Monday evening.
I am seeing two clients still people who have been with me for years on and off since I came back to Liverpool. I supervise Brian which I enjoy.
I did a three hour intro to inner child with one young woman last week...it was very successful but wow three hours one on one..all that concentration..I was wiped out after....to think I used to see six folk a day in Ireland.
I love the work ..but need to keep the balance right as I get older I find it takes more out of me.
I need to work too....for my soul...I like making a difference in people's lives- it is my gift and it is a privilege,
I need to fill up the hole in my life since you left me....and work helps..just enough.
I went to a celebration of Anita's life with the Adlerian society on Monday evening..it was a beautiful tribute to my dear Anita and Nina was there I felt so proud of her she was dignified and so real...like her mum,she is such a beautiful young woman in all ways she said she felt uplifted by all the stories about Anita.I understand that totally that is how I feel when folk talk about you.
I still post on your facebook site...write to you here....talk to you at the Beech tree...and to your picture...if I have a glass of wine I always toast your picture. --silently --if I think people with think I am crazy.
I went to the Metropolitan Cathedral a few weeks ago...a celebration of the work of Marie Curie and we lit candles for our loved one...you in my case, I also thought of Anita and my auntie Isa.
It was very moving with beautiful poems ,music and songs and the helpers came in at the end carrying daffodils,,,that made me cry.
Dear John Christmas is not the same without you...I decorated the tree by myself....actually it was ok..comforting...memories with each decoration...and the music- we were very happy...very lucky-I am thankful for that my dear love.
I saw Patsy yesterday///they are up to their eyes in dust and much from the builders in their new home...but she is philosophical about it.as they are away for Christmas.
I love those two....hope to see more of them next year.....the house is looking festive, tree books music, new sofa .new floor lamp..old fireplace gone and the tv on the wall....I wonder what you would make of it all.
I was at the doctor this morning...all ok she gave me some cream for a rash I have had since Halloween, kept thinking it would just go...but it did not.
Dishwasher guy just left...fourth visit....looks like they need to take it away to look at it in the workshop...thank goodness I am away for nine days over Christmas.
The big news everywhere is the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens opens today,in fact they showed it at one minute past midnight in all the cinemas...it is going to be on 24/7 for weeks.
Happily Andrew and Lucy invited me to go with them tomorrow night...aren't they great- I was thinking of going tonight or tomorrow afternoon to fact....but this is great we are going to the Odeon in town tickets...cost an arm and a leg..so it must be special.
I love you darling I miss you...love you always and forever,,,Helen T.T. xx
Sunday, 6 December 2015
December - return from Dubai and Scotland.
Hello darling John
where are you...where are you...?
I miss you so much I wish I could sleep through December and January....not something I have ever felt before...this season is all about joy joy happiness good will and I love all that normally but it is in such sharp contrast to my sad lost lonely feelings inside.
I often wonder what I need to get me through this....of course it is you my love.
I feel I have done well- lived through this for eleven months.....surely I deserve the reward of seeing you again.....I dreamt about you last night....I could see you but I could not reach you and you looked sad there was a tear in your eyes.Was that projection on my part? probably was.
I am going to the Metropolitan cathedral today to a service of light and remembrance it is run by Marie Curie.....I am going to remember and honour you my love..I hoped A&L would be with me....but they have other plans.....I was going to ask Liz or Maz or Celia and Brian...P&K but I will go alone......and be with you and my thoughts of you during that time.
I heard my first piece of Christmas music in Balloch it broke my heart.....I sat with you all through advent-- until 28th last year- with classic FM on quietly in the background.....all Christmas music....will I ever be able to listen to it again with out memories of that precious time with you.....as you died The First Noel was playing.
I think if I did not have to think of others I would baton down the hatches....and stay quietly here this year for Christmas...just me and my beloved Radio 4...my Christmas movies....and Sefton park,,,,,with the odd trip to Fact for a movie and or a coffee.....heaven.
But onwards and upwards....I am off to Castalla then London.....seeing Philip is giving me heart for it......and David and Lara too of course.
Obviously seeing all the children is a wonderful thing at Christmas....it is the travelling that is so tiring.....as I get older I find the recovery time is longer...if only I had a big house on the banks of Loch Lomond or Loch ?Fyne....and they could all come to me.....I would of course have servants in this fantasy world..
I am not really enjoying cooking or baking any more I hope it is temporary ,if I am honest I simply can't be bothered...cooking or eating much....a sandwich and a cup of tea...is enough.
Making the effort to enjoy the food....is hard for me right now...I think my appetite has shrunk...I think I need you to feed me.....you gave me an interest in food you took time made the effort..just for me..I made the effort just for you...
Now it is an occasionally thing to cook and bake and it is an effort..for the first time in decades I have not made Christmas cake Dundee cake....Christmas chocolate squares....I bought Christmas cards rather than make them......and have not filled up the advent calendar or bought any for the children and grand children.
I can't be bothered .....but I am accepting myself...and hoping I am not being judged....who is this imaginary person who is judging me? only me....the worst enemy.
I miss you dear sweet John..you took little to do with all the Christmas fuss..but you enjoyed me taking part and gave me encouragement..and that is missing....no one to share it all with...to show the gifts too- to taste the cakes...to admire the packages and the tree......I have a tree.....but not got it up yet..I need Andrew to put it on a stand....and I want to wait till December 12th and my course is over till I do that....we always did that together....and last year Philip helped me.....this year....will I do it alone.....probably ... just go through the motions..until one year ..it is fun again...rituals are important...you reminded me of that...if you are out there somewhere....surround me with a shield against this sorrow somehow......yet sorrow and grief are my last gift you you.....mourning is for both of us...I love you I will always love you.......TT.....Helen x
where are you...where are you...?
I miss you so much I wish I could sleep through December and January....not something I have ever felt before...this season is all about joy joy happiness good will and I love all that normally but it is in such sharp contrast to my sad lost lonely feelings inside.
I often wonder what I need to get me through this....of course it is you my love.
I feel I have done well- lived through this for eleven months.....surely I deserve the reward of seeing you again.....I dreamt about you last night....I could see you but I could not reach you and you looked sad there was a tear in your eyes.Was that projection on my part? probably was.
I am going to the Metropolitan cathedral today to a service of light and remembrance it is run by Marie Curie.....I am going to remember and honour you my love..I hoped A&L would be with me....but they have other plans.....I was going to ask Liz or Maz or Celia and Brian...P&K but I will go alone......and be with you and my thoughts of you during that time.
I heard my first piece of Christmas music in Balloch it broke my heart.....I sat with you all through advent-- until 28th last year- with classic FM on quietly in the background.....all Christmas music....will I ever be able to listen to it again with out memories of that precious time with you.....as you died The First Noel was playing.
I think if I did not have to think of others I would baton down the hatches....and stay quietly here this year for Christmas...just me and my beloved Radio 4...my Christmas movies....and Sefton park,,,,,with the odd trip to Fact for a movie and or a coffee.....heaven.
But onwards and upwards....I am off to Castalla then London.....seeing Philip is giving me heart for it......and David and Lara too of course.
Obviously seeing all the children is a wonderful thing at Christmas....it is the travelling that is so tiring.....as I get older I find the recovery time is longer...if only I had a big house on the banks of Loch Lomond or Loch ?Fyne....and they could all come to me.....I would of course have servants in this fantasy world..
I am not really enjoying cooking or baking any more I hope it is temporary ,if I am honest I simply can't be bothered...cooking or eating much....a sandwich and a cup of tea...is enough.
Making the effort to enjoy the food....is hard for me right now...I think my appetite has shrunk...I think I need you to feed me.....you gave me an interest in food you took time made the effort..just for me..I made the effort just for you...
Now it is an occasionally thing to cook and bake and it is an effort..for the first time in decades I have not made Christmas cake Dundee cake....Christmas chocolate squares....I bought Christmas cards rather than make them......and have not filled up the advent calendar or bought any for the children and grand children.
I can't be bothered .....but I am accepting myself...and hoping I am not being judged....who is this imaginary person who is judging me? only me....the worst enemy.
I miss you dear sweet John..you took little to do with all the Christmas fuss..but you enjoyed me taking part and gave me encouragement..and that is missing....no one to share it all with...to show the gifts too- to taste the cakes...to admire the packages and the tree......I have a tree.....but not got it up yet..I need Andrew to put it on a stand....and I want to wait till December 12th and my course is over till I do that....we always did that together....and last year Philip helped me.....this year....will I do it alone.....probably ... just go through the motions..until one year ..it is fun again...rituals are important...you reminded me of that...if you are out there somewhere....surround me with a shield against this sorrow somehow......yet sorrow and grief are my last gift you you.....mourning is for both of us...I love you I will always love you.......TT.....Helen x
Monday, 16 November 2015
Balloch-Dubai
Hello darling
I am leaving Liverpool tomorrow for a few days in Balloch , Sandra and Harry have moved there.I am looking forward to seeing their new place.
We fly to Dubai on Thursday night and will arrive there with Jackie on Friday morning.
I feel very tired.. been a long few week with lots happening , your ashes being scattered was huge for me and left me feeling quite down...I have run two successful workshops which were really successful and took it out of me too.
I have a new table and chairs, have had the fire place removed, a new white desk,and a new sofa .which is a beautiful raspberry colour very rich looking,I got some berry coloured lights to compliment it.
I wonder what you would make of the place John..I think you would approve, we hardly ever had anything new, I feel the need to have some bright colours and new things.I know you prefer old things...maybe I need a wee change ....does not mean I did not enjoy living with the things that you loved too.
Johnny will take Archie the clock, to London at some point, I will miss him, but I don't wind him up and I feel he is being neglected...and I will see him in London at Johnny's.
I think I am more of an IKEA girl....not so keen on the dark old furniture.I bit of a pleb :-)
I went to the Phil with Philip Canter on Saturday night, it was a very enjoyable concert " Four Seasons by Candlelight- the orchestra ( not the Phil group) wore period costumes-and played magnificently. Thankfully Philip loved the concert too..we talked a lot about you and Anita, saying how lucky we were to have you in our lives.
I missed you, you would have loved the concert. I saw Psycho there a few weeks ago with the strings from the orchestra..it was fantastic.
I love you I miss you I wish you were here..to chat with over a glass of wine and or a cuppa......thank you for everything.....much love and happy memories, and some sadness too. TT. XX
I am leaving Liverpool tomorrow for a few days in Balloch , Sandra and Harry have moved there.I am looking forward to seeing their new place.
We fly to Dubai on Thursday night and will arrive there with Jackie on Friday morning.
I feel very tired.. been a long few week with lots happening , your ashes being scattered was huge for me and left me feeling quite down...I have run two successful workshops which were really successful and took it out of me too.
I have a new table and chairs, have had the fire place removed, a new white desk,and a new sofa .which is a beautiful raspberry colour very rich looking,I got some berry coloured lights to compliment it.
I wonder what you would make of the place John..I think you would approve, we hardly ever had anything new, I feel the need to have some bright colours and new things.I know you prefer old things...maybe I need a wee change ....does not mean I did not enjoy living with the things that you loved too.
Johnny will take Archie the clock, to London at some point, I will miss him, but I don't wind him up and I feel he is being neglected...and I will see him in London at Johnny's.
I think I am more of an IKEA girl....not so keen on the dark old furniture.I bit of a pleb :-)
I went to the Phil with Philip Canter on Saturday night, it was a very enjoyable concert " Four Seasons by Candlelight- the orchestra ( not the Phil group) wore period costumes-and played magnificently. Thankfully Philip loved the concert too..we talked a lot about you and Anita, saying how lucky we were to have you in our lives.
I missed you, you would have loved the concert. I saw Psycho there a few weeks ago with the strings from the orchestra..it was fantastic.
I love you I miss you I wish you were here..to chat with over a glass of wine and or a cuppa......thank you for everything.....much love and happy memories, and some sadness too. TT. XX
Thursday, 12 November 2015
Monday, 2 November 2015
Halloween 28th wedding anniversary-scattering your ashes!
Darling John
how I miss you.
We had a beautiful day on Saturday our 28th wedding anniversary and the day we scattered your ashes in Sefton Park.
I wakened early and just cried and cried, last year at this time you were with us..in Marie Curie , you rang me very early that morning to wish me a happy anniversary,,,you were amazing to remember that..
We always reminisced about our wonderful wedding day and this year those of us left reminisced once more.
I decorated the house with our familiar Halloween decorations, I bought beautiful flowers which you would have done in the past....I had candles and incense burning for you my dear love.
It was a beautiful autumn day sunshine and colour.
The family gathered here and close friends, Andrew ,Lucy, Penny, Johnny ,Patsy ,Kev and Liz and me.
We listened to your writings, Andrew read what you wrote about what you wished for your ashes in Liverpool, he did well, he felt a bit anxious as he did the day of your funeral, but he got through it in tact, and thoughtful.
Penny read your musing on miracles on the micro level, she was as ever thoughtful about your words and full of mirth too.
Johnny read your writing from our 20th wedding anniversary,,,he did very well too., serious thoughtful
Patsy recorded and played to all of us My Love is Like a Red Red Rose- she has a beatiful voice...the song broke me up..I think I cried all the way through it...we both loved that song, and of course it was Anita's favourite song too so it had a powerful impact.on me. I felt Andrew's hand on me as I cried and it was comforting, almost like you holding me.
Kev read" Sometimes I forget," it is a beautiful song, he read it a a poem and it was very powerful and it captures exactly how I feel, and I would say most of us in the room feel.
Liz talked about many of your conversation with her at Marie Curie, she was a bit shook but she said what she wanted to say in time- she wore the hat that you bought for her in Ireland for the event.
Lucy was quiet- taking it all in and much affected by it all, she loved you.
We all love you....there is a line in the sone My love is like a red red rose.....".so deep in love am I " that is me darling John still deeply in love with you.
I talked a bit about our time at the farm songs we played, your proposal at the summer exhibition, out post cards...poverty and a bowl of cherries.....and the day we scattered your ashes in Argyle..
I read David's email describing how he was thinking of you as he flew over the south china sea...and how he thought of us at Universal Studios when drinking Butterbeer at Hogwarts..
Philip sent love to everyone, and sent me a good few private messages to make sure I was Ok,,,
Sandra Jackie, Matthew Marie, Gary and Wendy all sent messages,and lots of Irish friends, and Artist's way friends....sent loving messages, of course many had no idea we were scattering your ashes, but remembered our wedding anniversary..
Susan sent loving messages, and dear Libby,she always thinks of us as I do her..as it is her birthday.
And of course dear Robert sent a message he was thinking of me,,,,he misses you John,,,,we all do.
Each reading and memory lead to more memories and sharing -it was funny too...stories of you are still making us laugh even now...still making life a bowl of cherries, encouraging us to look at the bigger picture....look through your telescope...thank god for you.
We went across to Helen's beech tree and each one of us scattered some of you ashes under and around the tree....then we went to our Christmas Tree depositing spot...and scattered your ashes there too....again each one of us.
I read the last verse of The Joy of Living before we started, we all talked ,some laughed, some cried and some did both...we ended with a group hug, and we passed a kiss around the group//and slowly we left and drifted back to Ullet Road --- then we all went to what was El Macho for lunch , thanks to Lucy who thought of us all going back to Hope Street..it was such a good idea and we had a room to ourselves....you would have loved it....I hope you were there...certainly there was a strong feeling that you were in our mists....
so my darling husband..I have carried out your wishes, you are flying free in Argyle and in Sefton Park....and I will join you in both places one day.
So deep in love am I.......TT.........your ever loving wife......Helen....
( or Collins as you liked to call me ) peace to you beloved John where ever you are x
PS I am doing ok.
how I miss you.
We had a beautiful day on Saturday our 28th wedding anniversary and the day we scattered your ashes in Sefton Park.
I wakened early and just cried and cried, last year at this time you were with us..in Marie Curie , you rang me very early that morning to wish me a happy anniversary,,,you were amazing to remember that..
We always reminisced about our wonderful wedding day and this year those of us left reminisced once more.
I decorated the house with our familiar Halloween decorations, I bought beautiful flowers which you would have done in the past....I had candles and incense burning for you my dear love.
It was a beautiful autumn day sunshine and colour.
The family gathered here and close friends, Andrew ,Lucy, Penny, Johnny ,Patsy ,Kev and Liz and me.
We listened to your writings, Andrew read what you wrote about what you wished for your ashes in Liverpool, he did well, he felt a bit anxious as he did the day of your funeral, but he got through it in tact, and thoughtful.
Penny read your musing on miracles on the micro level, she was as ever thoughtful about your words and full of mirth too.
Johnny read your writing from our 20th wedding anniversary,,,he did very well too., serious thoughtful
Patsy recorded and played to all of us My Love is Like a Red Red Rose- she has a beatiful voice...the song broke me up..I think I cried all the way through it...we both loved that song, and of course it was Anita's favourite song too so it had a powerful impact.on me. I felt Andrew's hand on me as I cried and it was comforting, almost like you holding me.
Kev read" Sometimes I forget," it is a beautiful song, he read it a a poem and it was very powerful and it captures exactly how I feel, and I would say most of us in the room feel.
Liz talked about many of your conversation with her at Marie Curie, she was a bit shook but she said what she wanted to say in time- she wore the hat that you bought for her in Ireland for the event.
Lucy was quiet- taking it all in and much affected by it all, she loved you.
We all love you....there is a line in the sone My love is like a red red rose.....".so deep in love am I " that is me darling John still deeply in love with you.
I talked a bit about our time at the farm songs we played, your proposal at the summer exhibition, out post cards...poverty and a bowl of cherries.....and the day we scattered your ashes in Argyle..
I read David's email describing how he was thinking of you as he flew over the south china sea...and how he thought of us at Universal Studios when drinking Butterbeer at Hogwarts..
Philip sent love to everyone, and sent me a good few private messages to make sure I was Ok,,,
Sandra Jackie, Matthew Marie, Gary and Wendy all sent messages,and lots of Irish friends, and Artist's way friends....sent loving messages, of course many had no idea we were scattering your ashes, but remembered our wedding anniversary..
Susan sent loving messages, and dear Libby,she always thinks of us as I do her..as it is her birthday.
And of course dear Robert sent a message he was thinking of me,,,,he misses you John,,,,we all do.
Each reading and memory lead to more memories and sharing -it was funny too...stories of you are still making us laugh even now...still making life a bowl of cherries, encouraging us to look at the bigger picture....look through your telescope...thank god for you.
We went across to Helen's beech tree and each one of us scattered some of you ashes under and around the tree....then we went to our Christmas Tree depositing spot...and scattered your ashes there too....again each one of us.
I read the last verse of The Joy of Living before we started, we all talked ,some laughed, some cried and some did both...we ended with a group hug, and we passed a kiss around the group//and slowly we left and drifted back to Ullet Road --- then we all went to what was El Macho for lunch , thanks to Lucy who thought of us all going back to Hope Street..it was such a good idea and we had a room to ourselves....you would have loved it....I hope you were there...certainly there was a strong feeling that you were in our mists....
so my darling husband..I have carried out your wishes, you are flying free in Argyle and in Sefton Park....and I will join you in both places one day.
So deep in love am I.......TT.........your ever loving wife......Helen....
( or Collins as you liked to call me ) peace to you beloved John where ever you are x
PS I am doing ok.
Monday, 26 October 2015
Whitstable / Staffordshire/tables and chairs.
Hello darling
how I wish you were here, it would be good to talk, good to go out for a coffee, out for a glass of wine to the cricket club, have dinner in Host, go on the Ferry, have lunch at the Tate.
Since I last wrote to you Anita has died, in my fantasy , you know this and you have seen her, magical thinking .
I don't really believe Anita is dead....just away in Israel, I often did not see her if she was away or I was away, but when we were both here I saw her every week, and text almost every day.
Philip's hands are still being treated for burns, but he is on the mend....I hoped to see him this week, but he has put it off till next week, so we will see how he is.
I had a wonderful time with Anne and Henry, I love their home in Whitstable, we can make a cup of tea jn their kitchen then walk across the road to the beach and drink it..
We had a lovely ceremony for Anita at the time her funeral took place in Liverpool.
We played My Love is Like a Red Red Rose which was poignant on so many levels, I could hear you singing it in my head...and Eddie Reader and Kenneth Mc Keller Anita like Kenneth Mc Keller.
Anne wrote a poem for Anita " Bird of Paradise" she really captured the essence of Anita.Henry read a bit from Anita's book.I read a letter that I wrote to Anita sharing highlights and memories of our 35 year friendship....it was a lovely hour.
The believe it or not we went to see Othello hot from the Edinburgh Festival and all woman cast...very very well done.
I think if the day had not been so traumatic, the play might have been devastating...as it was it was a good distraction and we were able to have a cerebral discussion about jealousy and betrayal , you would have enjoyed being at a Shakespeare play at the University of Canterbury.
Anne and Henry were so generous and welcoming, great food, a little wine, cosy bedroom, lots of deep and meaningfuls, lots of memories of you and a few walk on the beach and lunches and coffees around Whitstable.
I then went of to Staffordshire for a beautiful very different family weekend. with Andrew Lucy Wendy Sophie Lola, and Nick dipped in.
We were in a beautiful old refurbished coach house very spacious warm family friendly place in the heart of Staffordshire.
Again lovely food lots of wine, good company, lovely gifts for Wendy and I..I am happy to tell you I bought myself a beautiful cream Radley purse from you for my birthday....a large one....I loved the small one but it was almost as expensive as the big one.....I tell you this because most unexpectedly Andrew and Lucy bought me the small on amongst other things for my birthday..I was very touched and surprised, as they had already treated us to the weekend away.
I fell for Shugborough Estate....the seat of Lord Litchfield...remember the dashing photographer Patrick Litchfield ,his home.
I loved touring the stables, kitchen.laundry, school room, and seeing the clothes they wore...all fascinated me. I hope I can go back and see the big house and Patrick Litchfields photographs.
I missed you while I was there....you would have loved the place too.....we have raised a beautiful family....so my darling,in spite of all the difficulties at the beginning..... we did well....we always worried they would be" F----D up" we certainly felt we were at times.Fear not all is well.
Johnny is missing you and finding life difficult but he is talking about it, admitting it, taking some time out to grieve, I am in touch all the time...as I am with Penny, she too is struggling, could do with some space to grieve for you and Maureen.
Of course David is going through this too but I don't see it, he sends me touching emails from time to time saying how he feels, telling me how much he appreciates me. It is precious.
Andrew misses you ...I think setting up the just giving page, and running the half marathon was a way of showing that .I know it touched him and Lucy quite deeply. I often feel sad for him when the three of us get together for dinner especially here.....you two used to have such merry banter.
You are a much loved man.
Philip talks about you when we talk, it is too hard to talk at a deep level when he is in Beijing but he often notices what I am doing and will comment " that must have been tough" or " how are you feeling about that'
I promised you that I would take care of them, and I am , doing my best, Penny worries that I have enough, but I have time to grieve for you my love, I can shut the world and demands out, I can talk to you here, talk to my counsellor, and I have wonderful friends, and Andrew and Lucy are fab, I can have fun with them, see plays movies, eat nice food.
I don't have to pour out my grief on them now, I have a good varied life and lots of different folk who meet different needs, including my need to be useful to help to care to make a difference, even now that matters to me.....on the good days :-)
I am seeing a couple of clients. Ran a great workshop last Saturday with Artist's Way alumni as Marie calls it..Creative cluster I call it....on November 7th I have seven new people starting an introduction....I feel a little spark of excitement coming back into my heart.
I felt especially sad when the old table was taken away to a new home last week-cause you loved that table...but it is time for some changes...I have a smaller ikea table now, but the leaves pull out so we can have a big family group too. I am awaiting a new couch from Utility....big changes here....but my dear beloved John.....one thing will never change...my huge love and gratitude for you in my life...I feel less desperate....less despairing.....less like wanting to go to sleep and not wakening up....but the love is as big and deep as ever it was....
this verse of the poem I asked Kev to read at your funeral springs to mind...
And the days will pass with baffled faces
then the weeks ,then the months,
then there will be a day when no question is asked,
and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
and the puffed faces will calm.
And on that day he will not have ceased
but will have ceased to be separated by death.
it is true that the separation I felt at the beginning , was HUGE that is why it is so painful....and I know from experience I will visit that place again from time to time over the rest of my life.....but I do feel you are close now...we are not separated ..we will always be together.
As Philip often said. " same old slippers
same old rice
same old glimpse of paradise" I love you John..TT
how I wish you were here, it would be good to talk, good to go out for a coffee, out for a glass of wine to the cricket club, have dinner in Host, go on the Ferry, have lunch at the Tate.
Since I last wrote to you Anita has died, in my fantasy , you know this and you have seen her, magical thinking .
I don't really believe Anita is dead....just away in Israel, I often did not see her if she was away or I was away, but when we were both here I saw her every week, and text almost every day.
Philip's hands are still being treated for burns, but he is on the mend....I hoped to see him this week, but he has put it off till next week, so we will see how he is.
I had a wonderful time with Anne and Henry, I love their home in Whitstable, we can make a cup of tea jn their kitchen then walk across the road to the beach and drink it..
We had a lovely ceremony for Anita at the time her funeral took place in Liverpool.
We played My Love is Like a Red Red Rose which was poignant on so many levels, I could hear you singing it in my head...and Eddie Reader and Kenneth Mc Keller Anita like Kenneth Mc Keller.
Anne wrote a poem for Anita " Bird of Paradise" she really captured the essence of Anita.Henry read a bit from Anita's book.I read a letter that I wrote to Anita sharing highlights and memories of our 35 year friendship....it was a lovely hour.
The believe it or not we went to see Othello hot from the Edinburgh Festival and all woman cast...very very well done.
I think if the day had not been so traumatic, the play might have been devastating...as it was it was a good distraction and we were able to have a cerebral discussion about jealousy and betrayal , you would have enjoyed being at a Shakespeare play at the University of Canterbury.
Anne and Henry were so generous and welcoming, great food, a little wine, cosy bedroom, lots of deep and meaningfuls, lots of memories of you and a few walk on the beach and lunches and coffees around Whitstable.
I then went of to Staffordshire for a beautiful very different family weekend. with Andrew Lucy Wendy Sophie Lola, and Nick dipped in.
We were in a beautiful old refurbished coach house very spacious warm family friendly place in the heart of Staffordshire.
Again lovely food lots of wine, good company, lovely gifts for Wendy and I..I am happy to tell you I bought myself a beautiful cream Radley purse from you for my birthday....a large one....I loved the small one but it was almost as expensive as the big one.....I tell you this because most unexpectedly Andrew and Lucy bought me the small on amongst other things for my birthday..I was very touched and surprised, as they had already treated us to the weekend away.
I fell for Shugborough Estate....the seat of Lord Litchfield...remember the dashing photographer Patrick Litchfield ,his home.
I loved touring the stables, kitchen.laundry, school room, and seeing the clothes they wore...all fascinated me. I hope I can go back and see the big house and Patrick Litchfields photographs.
I missed you while I was there....you would have loved the place too.....we have raised a beautiful family....so my darling,in spite of all the difficulties at the beginning..... we did well....we always worried they would be" F----D up" we certainly felt we were at times.Fear not all is well.
Johnny is missing you and finding life difficult but he is talking about it, admitting it, taking some time out to grieve, I am in touch all the time...as I am with Penny, she too is struggling, could do with some space to grieve for you and Maureen.
Of course David is going through this too but I don't see it, he sends me touching emails from time to time saying how he feels, telling me how much he appreciates me. It is precious.
Andrew misses you ...I think setting up the just giving page, and running the half marathon was a way of showing that .I know it touched him and Lucy quite deeply. I often feel sad for him when the three of us get together for dinner especially here.....you two used to have such merry banter.
You are a much loved man.
Philip talks about you when we talk, it is too hard to talk at a deep level when he is in Beijing but he often notices what I am doing and will comment " that must have been tough" or " how are you feeling about that'
I promised you that I would take care of them, and I am , doing my best, Penny worries that I have enough, but I have time to grieve for you my love, I can shut the world and demands out, I can talk to you here, talk to my counsellor, and I have wonderful friends, and Andrew and Lucy are fab, I can have fun with them, see plays movies, eat nice food.
I don't have to pour out my grief on them now, I have a good varied life and lots of different folk who meet different needs, including my need to be useful to help to care to make a difference, even now that matters to me.....on the good days :-)
I am seeing a couple of clients. Ran a great workshop last Saturday with Artist's Way alumni as Marie calls it..Creative cluster I call it....on November 7th I have seven new people starting an introduction....I feel a little spark of excitement coming back into my heart.
I felt especially sad when the old table was taken away to a new home last week-cause you loved that table...but it is time for some changes...I have a smaller ikea table now, but the leaves pull out so we can have a big family group too. I am awaiting a new couch from Utility....big changes here....but my dear beloved John.....one thing will never change...my huge love and gratitude for you in my life...I feel less desperate....less despairing.....less like wanting to go to sleep and not wakening up....but the love is as big and deep as ever it was....
this verse of the poem I asked Kev to read at your funeral springs to mind...
And the days will pass with baffled faces
then the weeks ,then the months,
then there will be a day when no question is asked,
and the knots of grief will loosen in the stomach
and the puffed faces will calm.
And on that day he will not have ceased
but will have ceased to be separated by death.
it is true that the separation I felt at the beginning , was HUGE that is why it is so painful....and I know from experience I will visit that place again from time to time over the rest of my life.....but I do feel you are close now...we are not separated ..we will always be together.
As Philip often said. " same old slippers
same old rice
same old glimpse of paradise" I love you John..TT
Thursday, 8 October 2015
Scary world
Hello darling
the world news is quite scary all the talk about is war ,death ,bombs..poor refugees who few people want to help....I find it quite depressing and I feel helpless
I really miss you darling...miss our talks....I am starting to feel quite lonely....something I have not felt for a long long time....I have to make the effort all the time to talk to another human....and it is always worth the effort...but it is much nicer having you here to just blether to.
I am lacking purpose...I am like a rudderless ship....flotsam and jetsam floating about aimlessly.
I think I am in the lethargy stage of grief....
I miss Philip and Jackie and Anita and lots of people mum dad, aunts uncles grandparents no longer here...sometimes I ask the big questions "what's it all about" I feel like Woody Allen searching for a meaning.
I somehow got through our birthdays....now Halloween and our 28th wedding anniversary is coming up.....and I am going to scatter more of your ashes in Sefton Park on the day...I think it is a good day to do it...otherwise it is a hard day to get through...all the memories of all the wonderful Halloweens that we have spent together,,,,I have asked some folk to be part of that day....our children...people who were with us on October 31st 1987.....but right now I can't imagine the day....Andrew and Lucy are coming tomorrow night to help me plan the day...then we can just see who want's to fit in where.
I saw Martian the other day..I did not like it...but think there must be something wrong with me,as David Wood did enjoy it ..and I respect his view about anything to do with space things....I much prefer Apollo 13 much more exciting to me at least..I just could not suspend my disbelief....of course it could be to do with my mood, my stage in grief.
It does affect he way I see things.
I am going to meet Tony for a coffee at the Pen Factory.....he is usually in cheerful mood...hope he will cheer me today....I got a shopping delivered as A&L coming tomorrow night...I was going to get a take away..as I am away all next week..but in the end,,we will have some proper food.
I miss you my true love....I heard Pangur Ban the poem written by an Irish monk centuries ago.. which you read to me and talked about often..then I heard Prince Charles reading My Love is like a red red rose.....were you around here....are they signs..am I going mad....a year of magical thinking....that is me...it is poetry day today on Radio 4.....
TT Helen.....where are you ? xxxx
the world news is quite scary all the talk about is war ,death ,bombs..poor refugees who few people want to help....I find it quite depressing and I feel helpless
I really miss you darling...miss our talks....I am starting to feel quite lonely....something I have not felt for a long long time....I have to make the effort all the time to talk to another human....and it is always worth the effort...but it is much nicer having you here to just blether to.
I am lacking purpose...I am like a rudderless ship....flotsam and jetsam floating about aimlessly.
I think I am in the lethargy stage of grief....
I miss Philip and Jackie and Anita and lots of people mum dad, aunts uncles grandparents no longer here...sometimes I ask the big questions "what's it all about" I feel like Woody Allen searching for a meaning.
I somehow got through our birthdays....now Halloween and our 28th wedding anniversary is coming up.....and I am going to scatter more of your ashes in Sefton Park on the day...I think it is a good day to do it...otherwise it is a hard day to get through...all the memories of all the wonderful Halloweens that we have spent together,,,,I have asked some folk to be part of that day....our children...people who were with us on October 31st 1987.....but right now I can't imagine the day....Andrew and Lucy are coming tomorrow night to help me plan the day...then we can just see who want's to fit in where.
I saw Martian the other day..I did not like it...but think there must be something wrong with me,as David Wood did enjoy it ..and I respect his view about anything to do with space things....I much prefer Apollo 13 much more exciting to me at least..I just could not suspend my disbelief....of course it could be to do with my mood, my stage in grief.
It does affect he way I see things.
I am going to meet Tony for a coffee at the Pen Factory.....he is usually in cheerful mood...hope he will cheer me today....I got a shopping delivered as A&L coming tomorrow night...I was going to get a take away..as I am away all next week..but in the end,,we will have some proper food.
I miss you my true love....I heard Pangur Ban the poem written by an Irish monk centuries ago.. which you read to me and talked about often..then I heard Prince Charles reading My Love is like a red red rose.....were you around here....are they signs..am I going mad....a year of magical thinking....that is me...it is poetry day today on Radio 4.....
TT Helen.....where are you ? xxxx
Saturday, 3 October 2015
Castlenel /Anita /Everyman/Swans
Hello darling
I am home from Castalla now, once again it was sad and heartbreaking.
The house looks lovely you would love to see all the changes- the first day I went shopping and got all the beds made up.Penny and Johnny arrived on my birthday ,it was special, we sat on the balcony drank some of the 1.65 sparkling wine which is still wonderful...had a lovely meal and drank some of the '99 ' we talked a lot about you, shared our memories remembered the Marie Curie raised a glass to Andrew and Lucy who raised over £2000 in your name for Marie Curie.
On Saturday morning we walked through the market in beautiful sunshine Johnny bought some sunglasses Penny chatted to everyone she is really up for speaking languages, such a communicator.
We had coffee and Toasadas in El Jardin the cafe we like under the Castle on the main road.
On Saturday afternoon after lunch Penny and Johnny spent about 8 hours with out a break in your room looking through your things, your mum and dad's things...and especially being touched in many ways by your writing.
Penny picked out one sentence to read to us from all the hundreds of pages...after some tensions he wrote.
' I love Helen Penny Johnny and David'
You knew in the end love is all that matters -of course there were tensions especially in the early days....but love especially a parents love rises above all the nonsense in the great scheme of things, Those tensions all die away and all you are left with is love love love.
St Exupery said 'what is essential is invisible to the eye' I think he meant love.
Penny and Johnny and I got very close. I know you would love to see that..it was not always so easy...it takes time to love really love.
We were all sad on Sunday morning when they had to leave...in the end with just a few things....six green glasses...two for each of your children...you would like that.
I stayed on till 29th it was hard after the warmth of our time together..and facing into your birthday on 28th....it rained and rained and rained then gales blew hailstones crashed on top of Castalla....felt like the weather was reflecting my feelings..on your birthday we had flashing lightning and rolls of thunder....were you there....?
I left on 29th to come back to Liverpool after leaving the house looking lovely- and a lovely walk round Castalla with Sofi Frank and Edith...in the sunshine.
As ever the neighbours came to say farewell- they are so so special.
I got home at midnight ...as ever nice to be home the flat looked well....welcoming.
On September 30th had a call from Anne she was quite distressed to tell me that on 29th September Anita set herself on fire when lighting candles,,,,,Philip tried to put out the fire and his hands are badly burned....I felt shaken and speechless....what in gods name can you say or do.
Anita is in hospital and will not get home again....Philip was in for a few days but could well be out now..I don't know...no one is hearing anything.I totally understand this,,,,the family must be in a dreadful state...it is one thing preparing to lose your wife and mother from the horror of a brain tumour but this is too horrific. I feel helpless...and all I can wish from my dear friend of thirty five years...is a swift end and hope she is well sedated..
I have been struggling to recover from all the emotion of Castalla and hearing the worst news about Anita....could not eat...just a little chocolate or cake seemed to go down everything else made me feel nausea...a bit like it was when you were really ill and in hospital...food would not go down at all.
Happily I had a date with Andrew and Lucy to go to see Odyssey at the Everyman I love the Everyman the play was not as good as we hoped but got us talking none the less which good theatre and art are meant to do. It was the same director as A Midsummer Nights dream...I hated that play...this was much better.
We met at The Penfactory which I love had some nice food , a little for me, a few glasses of wine and a good catch up..never enough time.
The evening helped ground me...made me get dressed up and get into town.
On October 1st...I went into town after a long chat with Lynn and Mandy our cleaning woman...taught them a little stress management and quoted you,,,, they seemed to feel helped which was nice to see...like old times.
I had breakfast at Fact had my Ipad and did some emailing..felt quite cool joining in what a lot of folk around me were doing.
I then went to Radley and bought myself a beautiful purse form you, for my birthday.
as you know a lot of my things come from vintage and charity shops....but this was a real treat...the purse which I have been looking at for a while cost £75 aghhhhhh.
I needed a treat after all the emotion...so went for it...and to my great astonishment...it was reduced to £50 I was inordinately happy. I had a lovely chat with the two young staff in there -one reminded so much of my nephew Matthew -the other young woman was down from Aberdeen learning the ropes...I ended up telling them a bit of the history of Bold Street and about the three photographers that were there at the time cameras came in taking over for portrait painters..
They were happy to hear all this and when I left the young man ( Matthew) said please come back in anytime you are passing and tell me more about Liverpool history. It was a lovely moment...all the stuff I told them I learnt from you my love.
So now for a quiet weekend......I have lots of cards for my birthday and I still have them up...I keep getting more...yesterday I got one from Sophie and Nick and Lola...a belated one...one of my favourites is from Rob and Paul the famous picture of the police cone on the statue of a man on a horse in George Square ,I think...this year all the cards feel special people say lovely things very aware this is the first birthday without you....Marie even sent me a card on your birthday too.....with a hug....all beautiful and very emotional.....sadness and joy the opposite sides of the same coin.
I love you John always have always will.....still trying to figure out how to live with out you....but I am ok, I grieve I mourn......I breath in I breath out I get up in the morning I go to bed at night....I love the stars the trees the swans....I went to see them when I came home it was fantastic to see them again...cygnets are swan size now but still quite grey...while I was squatting taking picture of them in the late afternoon light..two Canada geese came and stood right beside me. I thought they were making friends..but it turns out there were crumbs right there...still it was great to be so close to them.
TT Helen xx
I am home from Castalla now, once again it was sad and heartbreaking.
The house looks lovely you would love to see all the changes- the first day I went shopping and got all the beds made up.Penny and Johnny arrived on my birthday ,it was special, we sat on the balcony drank some of the 1.65 sparkling wine which is still wonderful...had a lovely meal and drank some of the '99 ' we talked a lot about you, shared our memories remembered the Marie Curie raised a glass to Andrew and Lucy who raised over £2000 in your name for Marie Curie.
On Saturday morning we walked through the market in beautiful sunshine Johnny bought some sunglasses Penny chatted to everyone she is really up for speaking languages, such a communicator.
We had coffee and Toasadas in El Jardin the cafe we like under the Castle on the main road.
On Saturday afternoon after lunch Penny and Johnny spent about 8 hours with out a break in your room looking through your things, your mum and dad's things...and especially being touched in many ways by your writing.
Penny picked out one sentence to read to us from all the hundreds of pages...after some tensions he wrote.
' I love Helen Penny Johnny and David'
You knew in the end love is all that matters -of course there were tensions especially in the early days....but love especially a parents love rises above all the nonsense in the great scheme of things, Those tensions all die away and all you are left with is love love love.
St Exupery said 'what is essential is invisible to the eye' I think he meant love.
Penny and Johnny and I got very close. I know you would love to see that..it was not always so easy...it takes time to love really love.
We were all sad on Sunday morning when they had to leave...in the end with just a few things....six green glasses...two for each of your children...you would like that.
I stayed on till 29th it was hard after the warmth of our time together..and facing into your birthday on 28th....it rained and rained and rained then gales blew hailstones crashed on top of Castalla....felt like the weather was reflecting my feelings..on your birthday we had flashing lightning and rolls of thunder....were you there....?
I left on 29th to come back to Liverpool after leaving the house looking lovely- and a lovely walk round Castalla with Sofi Frank and Edith...in the sunshine.
As ever the neighbours came to say farewell- they are so so special.
I got home at midnight ...as ever nice to be home the flat looked well....welcoming.
On September 30th had a call from Anne she was quite distressed to tell me that on 29th September Anita set herself on fire when lighting candles,,,,,Philip tried to put out the fire and his hands are badly burned....I felt shaken and speechless....what in gods name can you say or do.
Anita is in hospital and will not get home again....Philip was in for a few days but could well be out now..I don't know...no one is hearing anything.I totally understand this,,,,the family must be in a dreadful state...it is one thing preparing to lose your wife and mother from the horror of a brain tumour but this is too horrific. I feel helpless...and all I can wish from my dear friend of thirty five years...is a swift end and hope she is well sedated..
I have been struggling to recover from all the emotion of Castalla and hearing the worst news about Anita....could not eat...just a little chocolate or cake seemed to go down everything else made me feel nausea...a bit like it was when you were really ill and in hospital...food would not go down at all.
Happily I had a date with Andrew and Lucy to go to see Odyssey at the Everyman I love the Everyman the play was not as good as we hoped but got us talking none the less which good theatre and art are meant to do. It was the same director as A Midsummer Nights dream...I hated that play...this was much better.
We met at The Penfactory which I love had some nice food , a little for me, a few glasses of wine and a good catch up..never enough time.
The evening helped ground me...made me get dressed up and get into town.
On October 1st...I went into town after a long chat with Lynn and Mandy our cleaning woman...taught them a little stress management and quoted you,,,, they seemed to feel helped which was nice to see...like old times.
I had breakfast at Fact had my Ipad and did some emailing..felt quite cool joining in what a lot of folk around me were doing.
I then went to Radley and bought myself a beautiful purse form you, for my birthday.
as you know a lot of my things come from vintage and charity shops....but this was a real treat...the purse which I have been looking at for a while cost £75 aghhhhhh.
I needed a treat after all the emotion...so went for it...and to my great astonishment...it was reduced to £50 I was inordinately happy. I had a lovely chat with the two young staff in there -one reminded so much of my nephew Matthew -the other young woman was down from Aberdeen learning the ropes...I ended up telling them a bit of the history of Bold Street and about the three photographers that were there at the time cameras came in taking over for portrait painters..
They were happy to hear all this and when I left the young man ( Matthew) said please come back in anytime you are passing and tell me more about Liverpool history. It was a lovely moment...all the stuff I told them I learnt from you my love.
So now for a quiet weekend......I have lots of cards for my birthday and I still have them up...I keep getting more...yesterday I got one from Sophie and Nick and Lola...a belated one...one of my favourites is from Rob and Paul the famous picture of the police cone on the statue of a man on a horse in George Square ,I think...this year all the cards feel special people say lovely things very aware this is the first birthday without you....Marie even sent me a card on your birthday too.....with a hug....all beautiful and very emotional.....sadness and joy the opposite sides of the same coin.
I love you John always have always will.....still trying to figure out how to live with out you....but I am ok, I grieve I mourn......I breath in I breath out I get up in the morning I go to bed at night....I love the stars the trees the swans....I went to see them when I came home it was fantastic to see them again...cygnets are swan size now but still quite grey...while I was squatting taking picture of them in the late afternoon light..two Canada geese came and stood right beside me. I thought they were making friends..but it turns out there were crumbs right there...still it was great to be so close to them.
TT Helen xx
Monday, 21 September 2015
Jury Duty
I got a letter ,or you did, from Liverpool courts....your name came up for Jury duty....I had to ring this morning to tell them that your died last year...it was so hard...I hate making those calls..I was going to leave it to Andrew..but he is in France and I thought the sooner the better...so I took courage in both hands and called.
I have had trouble with the central hearing boiler...had Richie out last week twice...we need a new part..they called this morning it will be £205 so I agreed to have it....I was considering getting a new boiler...but this should keep it going for a while...and I have just ordered a new couch from Utility....and bought a new table chairs and a desk....the couch will take a few months to get there...the table chairs and desk came this morning...they are in the cellar....I have asked Phil to take away the fire place and tidy up the wall...so until that is done..not point in putting new things in.
I am aiming for Christmas...but would really like it all done for Halloween..
I miss you darling.....just miss you and want you to be here to talk about all these mundane things with..the way couples do.
I am going to Castalla on Wednesday...Johnny and Penny will come on 25th I am sad about this trip and yet a bit looking forward to it too....to see Castlenel..and be there with the children.
Thursday 24t is the one year anniversary of you going into Marie Curie for the last time....it really hurts remember that..I can't look at last years diary with put great sorrow.
Maz and Manuella took me to Ikea yesterday.they had the meatballs in memory of you..sweet girls.
I had coffee with Rachel in Frangipani the other day....also with Jenny Fraiclough....at Fact.....Liz and Phil came in for a coffee....and Phil gave me a quote for taking the fireplace away...
I feel quite low and emotional this month....miss you darling.....I wonder if I will every be Ok really OK...you were are the love of my life...how do you recover from that..
Lots to look forward to... I am sure I will rally...just miss being one persons special person....no other relation ship is like that....you are not thee special one ,to anyone else, no matter how much they love you...and I miss blethering about everyday things.
We are into Autumn now....although the sun has just come out.....the leaves are changing colour...you would love it...I do but it is tinged with sadness.
Andrew and Lucy are with Phil on the boat......you loved being in France and on the boat...more than I did I think.
I hope it goes well for them..especially Andrew.....he is such a good person...likes to be with family....I hope Phil is in good form....I don't expect he will change..but he can be OK if he is relaxed enough..charming even,
I miss everybody,,,,,you most of all...dad.......Anita....she is very quiet and withdrawn now...I feel a but unnerved with the changes in the family..Jackie off to Dubai Sandra to Balloch...Philip in Beijing..I so miss him....it is all change.
I love you I miss you. feel sad.....TT
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.........and so it is....X
I have had trouble with the central hearing boiler...had Richie out last week twice...we need a new part..they called this morning it will be £205 so I agreed to have it....I was considering getting a new boiler...but this should keep it going for a while...and I have just ordered a new couch from Utility....and bought a new table chairs and a desk....the couch will take a few months to get there...the table chairs and desk came this morning...they are in the cellar....I have asked Phil to take away the fire place and tidy up the wall...so until that is done..not point in putting new things in.
I am aiming for Christmas...but would really like it all done for Halloween..
I miss you darling.....just miss you and want you to be here to talk about all these mundane things with..the way couples do.
I am going to Castalla on Wednesday...Johnny and Penny will come on 25th I am sad about this trip and yet a bit looking forward to it too....to see Castlenel..and be there with the children.
Thursday 24t is the one year anniversary of you going into Marie Curie for the last time....it really hurts remember that..I can't look at last years diary with put great sorrow.
Maz and Manuella took me to Ikea yesterday.they had the meatballs in memory of you..sweet girls.
I had coffee with Rachel in Frangipani the other day....also with Jenny Fraiclough....at Fact.....Liz and Phil came in for a coffee....and Phil gave me a quote for taking the fireplace away...
I feel quite low and emotional this month....miss you darling.....I wonder if I will every be Ok really OK...you were are the love of my life...how do you recover from that..
Lots to look forward to... I am sure I will rally...just miss being one persons special person....no other relation ship is like that....you are not thee special one ,to anyone else, no matter how much they love you...and I miss blethering about everyday things.
We are into Autumn now....although the sun has just come out.....the leaves are changing colour...you would love it...I do but it is tinged with sadness.
Andrew and Lucy are with Phil on the boat......you loved being in France and on the boat...more than I did I think.
I hope it goes well for them..especially Andrew.....he is such a good person...likes to be with family....I hope Phil is in good form....I don't expect he will change..but he can be OK if he is relaxed enough..charming even,
I miss everybody,,,,,you most of all...dad.......Anita....she is very quiet and withdrawn now...I feel a but unnerved with the changes in the family..Jackie off to Dubai Sandra to Balloch...Philip in Beijing..I so miss him....it is all change.
I love you I miss you. feel sad.....TT
All shall be well
and all shall be well
and all manner of things shall be well.........and so it is....X
Monday, 14 September 2015
Jackie and Rebekka's visit and Great North Run
Hello darling
I have missed you and felt so sad this last few days.....Andrew and Lucy ran the Great North run for you for Marie Curie perhaps as a way of grieving for you....they were fantastic.....trained meticulously - were completely committed to the training the run and the cause...and you I think.
They have raided £2,050 to date a fantastic sum and it all goes to Woolton...to your people the people that you have great regard for...us too.
I found it a bit overwhelming on the day- because they were wonderful all the folk who ran were running for great causes and in memory of loved ones....and I missed you.....and wanted you to see what they were doing to tell you about it.....and no matter how many folk run and jog and cycle....and no matter how much money is raised......you won't come home....you have gone....gone from all of us who loved you..gone from my life forever....and that is sad.
I had to ring the Everyman this morning to ask them to stop sending you letters....I broke down I hate those phone calls.
Your name is still on our bank accounts...I still get your bank cards.....I just cannot stop that yet...I must or Andrew will have trouble when I die....he will need to produce both of our death certificates....not fair on him.
I felt sad as Jackie is leaving for Dubai soon and this was the last weekend that I will see her for a while....I will miss her, she and Sandra have been so so supportive since you got ill....always coming to visit or arranging a weekend away..and weekends in Scotland....oh dear ,you are gone, my folks are gone, Anita is no longer well enough to see folk...for now, Jackie is going to Dubai , Sandra is moving, Philip is in Beijing......too many changes...this is when you find out how much courage you have and how strong you are....it does take courage to keep going to put one foot in front of the other....some days are very hard...Sunday was...today it is back to boiler problems....every day things..
wish you were here.....miss you.....love you always.....Helen T T xx
I have missed you and felt so sad this last few days.....Andrew and Lucy ran the Great North run for you for Marie Curie perhaps as a way of grieving for you....they were fantastic.....trained meticulously - were completely committed to the training the run and the cause...and you I think.
They have raided £2,050 to date a fantastic sum and it all goes to Woolton...to your people the people that you have great regard for...us too.
I found it a bit overwhelming on the day- because they were wonderful all the folk who ran were running for great causes and in memory of loved ones....and I missed you.....and wanted you to see what they were doing to tell you about it.....and no matter how many folk run and jog and cycle....and no matter how much money is raised......you won't come home....you have gone....gone from all of us who loved you..gone from my life forever....and that is sad.
I had to ring the Everyman this morning to ask them to stop sending you letters....I broke down I hate those phone calls.
Your name is still on our bank accounts...I still get your bank cards.....I just cannot stop that yet...I must or Andrew will have trouble when I die....he will need to produce both of our death certificates....not fair on him.
I felt sad as Jackie is leaving for Dubai soon and this was the last weekend that I will see her for a while....I will miss her, she and Sandra have been so so supportive since you got ill....always coming to visit or arranging a weekend away..and weekends in Scotland....oh dear ,you are gone, my folks are gone, Anita is no longer well enough to see folk...for now, Jackie is going to Dubai , Sandra is moving, Philip is in Beijing......too many changes...this is when you find out how much courage you have and how strong you are....it does take courage to keep going to put one foot in front of the other....some days are very hard...Sunday was...today it is back to boiler problems....every day things..
wish you were here.....miss you.....love you always.....Helen T T xx
Friday, 11 September 2015
September our month !
Hello darling
I have been to Cambridge and back since I last wrote to you....it was a wonderful time . I felt closer to Penny and her wee family,
I felt very relaxed with Felix and Harry they they are so accepting of me being their Yaya - I feel touched by this.
Kate drew me a picture of her and I :-) and she invited me to come to her ballet lesson with her....which was so touching and I really enjoyed it too.
Johnny is much quieter quite happy with his own company and with his own wee family....not sure what he makes of me - plenty time.......I am doing what I promised you my love I am keeping an eye on your children and enjoying it and your grand children...it is a real privilege to have those little people taking me into their hearts.
I saw Johnny briefly he looks well has lost a lot of weight I think he is healing a little bit...Penny still needs time but when can she get that time..I will do my best to help.
I saw Mike for an hour one afternoon....he still looks so vulnerable and is quite emotional....misses Maureen --obviously-- and he does not have family and friends close as I do and I am so aware how fortunate I am to have my dear loving family and friends.....particularly Andrew and Lucy how blessed I am to have them so close and they really seem to want to spend time with me...I am moved by that. I guess I thought at some level that you were the one folk wanted to be with because you are wonderful and very interesting..could talk on any subject and have such a great sense of humour.
I am not putting myself down I have good self esteem....I know my strengths....of course I do-at almost 67 years of age.
It is lovely that folk like to spend time with me- when you are not here..:-)
I felt very tired when I came home .Penny and I spent a lot of time talking about you..which was comforting for the two of us....that can be very emotional of course we had a few tears... a few memories..all use up energy but I just rested stayed put and I feel more energetic again.
I have Jackie and Rebekka coming this evening....and Andrew and Lucy are coming for dinner....they have their Great Northern run on Sunday...I am so proud of them both...they are running for you dear John and Marie Curie who we all have high regard for.
I am going to Castalla on September 23rd to meet up with Johnny and Penny they arrive on my birthday which will be lovely but it will still be very emotional too.
The last two birthdays you have been in hospital and Andrew and Lucy have been with me....last year you went in to Marie Curie on 24th September it was a relief really because by that time you were getting a lot of pain...I was grateful that they took you in when you went for that visit...Liz took us....that was the beginning of the end.....you never got back to Ullet Road....Matthew and Marie and the boys and their girlfriends were all here on the 25 along with Andrew Lucy and Philip....it was a good birthday-- I was feeling the relief at that time...the sorrow came later.
I miss Philip now...really looking forward to seeing him in Castalla in December.....we all miss you.
Gavin would have been 75 on 9/9....mum would have been 89 in August....Dad 4th anniversary is coming up on October 5th,,,,,,your 84th birthday is coming up....those dates are not easy ..or the build up to them is not easy....I wonder if it gets to the time you don't notice the date? or at least it does not cause so much heartache....they emphasise the loss somehow.
If I have a glass of wine I still raise it to you..there is a wee picture on the mantelpiece.....sometimes I raise my first cup of tea in the morning to you....I so miss you bringing me a cuppa ....I miss you saying " kettle on" or "candle lit"....which meant time to sit down and have a glass of wine and a chat...catch up on our day.
I am glad to have know you Mr Lightbody. it was an honour flying with you....
...TT love always....Helen x
I have been to Cambridge and back since I last wrote to you....it was a wonderful time . I felt closer to Penny and her wee family,
I felt very relaxed with Felix and Harry they they are so accepting of me being their Yaya - I feel touched by this.
Kate drew me a picture of her and I :-) and she invited me to come to her ballet lesson with her....which was so touching and I really enjoyed it too.
Johnny is much quieter quite happy with his own company and with his own wee family....not sure what he makes of me - plenty time.......I am doing what I promised you my love I am keeping an eye on your children and enjoying it and your grand children...it is a real privilege to have those little people taking me into their hearts.
I saw Johnny briefly he looks well has lost a lot of weight I think he is healing a little bit...Penny still needs time but when can she get that time..I will do my best to help.
I saw Mike for an hour one afternoon....he still looks so vulnerable and is quite emotional....misses Maureen --obviously-- and he does not have family and friends close as I do and I am so aware how fortunate I am to have my dear loving family and friends.....particularly Andrew and Lucy how blessed I am to have them so close and they really seem to want to spend time with me...I am moved by that. I guess I thought at some level that you were the one folk wanted to be with because you are wonderful and very interesting..could talk on any subject and have such a great sense of humour.
I am not putting myself down I have good self esteem....I know my strengths....of course I do-at almost 67 years of age.
It is lovely that folk like to spend time with me- when you are not here..:-)
I felt very tired when I came home .Penny and I spent a lot of time talking about you..which was comforting for the two of us....that can be very emotional of course we had a few tears... a few memories..all use up energy but I just rested stayed put and I feel more energetic again.
I have Jackie and Rebekka coming this evening....and Andrew and Lucy are coming for dinner....they have their Great Northern run on Sunday...I am so proud of them both...they are running for you dear John and Marie Curie who we all have high regard for.
I am going to Castalla on September 23rd to meet up with Johnny and Penny they arrive on my birthday which will be lovely but it will still be very emotional too.
The last two birthdays you have been in hospital and Andrew and Lucy have been with me....last year you went in to Marie Curie on 24th September it was a relief really because by that time you were getting a lot of pain...I was grateful that they took you in when you went for that visit...Liz took us....that was the beginning of the end.....you never got back to Ullet Road....Matthew and Marie and the boys and their girlfriends were all here on the 25 along with Andrew Lucy and Philip....it was a good birthday-- I was feeling the relief at that time...the sorrow came later.
I miss Philip now...really looking forward to seeing him in Castalla in December.....we all miss you.
Gavin would have been 75 on 9/9....mum would have been 89 in August....Dad 4th anniversary is coming up on October 5th,,,,,,your 84th birthday is coming up....those dates are not easy ..or the build up to them is not easy....I wonder if it gets to the time you don't notice the date? or at least it does not cause so much heartache....they emphasise the loss somehow.
If I have a glass of wine I still raise it to you..there is a wee picture on the mantelpiece.....sometimes I raise my first cup of tea in the morning to you....I so miss you bringing me a cuppa ....I miss you saying " kettle on" or "candle lit"....which meant time to sit down and have a glass of wine and a chat...catch up on our day.
I am glad to have know you Mr Lightbody. it was an honour flying with you....
...TT love always....Helen x
Tuesday, 1 September 2015
September Morn!
Darling John
missing you especially to-day....we loved to dance to September Morn by Neil Diamond on September 1st every year....and we listened to Nat King Cole Autumn Leaves---gosh the words feel very personal this year....and Vivaldi- Autumn.
I wondered if I would be able to listen to those songs this year....but I did in the end..it was quite hard...very emotional...instead of dancing with you..I danced with your picture...and cried a little..for you- for all the wonderful September Morn's we spent together. I will not run away from those things my love I embrace them even if they are hard...my way of honouring you...part of my grieving for you.
I went to Bold Street when I felt a bit better.....and ordered a new sofa from Utility.....I know you would approve of the sofa and the price...15 percent off over the bank holiday....
I had a coffee in Leaf and thought of all the coffee's teas and meals we had in there...we always enjoyed them.
I have reached the time of the year that I have been dreading in a way..only because I felt I would be very emotional again..I have been calmer since we scattered your ashes...and today has proved me right..and that is Ok feeling are good an important part of us.
I saw Anita on Saturday- she is very ill- maybe in her last few weeks or months...she is on the same medication that you were on- it was strange hearing the family chat about doses etc- so like many conversations that we had..together and with family....this time I felt on the outside...a good thing I have to say...brought back memories of life being very difficult for us,,,,till we adjusted to the regime ...when you came home from hospital the first year...those memories make me feel so sad.
Anita and her family are going through all this now....I feel for them so much...they --like us-- are doing very well,,,,,I think we and all our family did really well too -in your last year...and even longer. That gives me heart....I know you noticed and appreciated all we did.
I am going to visit Penny Steve Kate Johnny Felix and Harry tomorrow...I have Dundee cake Polish Cake- peanut biscuits....and lots of little gifts for the children,,,,I hope to see Johnny on Friday...It is their wedding anniversary that day..I have already sent their card and one to Lara in HK..and I have a gift for Archie's 5th birthday-- he is going to be a school boy on Monday.Felix and Harry are five now too- they will continue at nursery for another year..time to catch up.
I met Stuart today. I have not seen him since you left us...he was very sweet....looking older--like the rest of us...Laura is coming tonight for supper..and a chat about the Bold Street book.....looking forward to hearing if there is any progress...
I have had some of your art framed recently....more still to be done....I can't get any help to get them hung..as we need an electric drill....I have asked..Brian- Phil J -Andrew- so far no one has been able to help....every one is so busy..but it will happen in time...I am wondering if I should buy and learn to use an electric drill....I read somewhere..that all woman should have among other things...a black lacy bra and an electric drill.....:-)
So my love I have almost got through..September 1st....I love you- you are the love of my life...always will be....TT... Helen XXXX
missing you especially to-day....we loved to dance to September Morn by Neil Diamond on September 1st every year....and we listened to Nat King Cole Autumn Leaves---gosh the words feel very personal this year....and Vivaldi- Autumn.
I wondered if I would be able to listen to those songs this year....but I did in the end..it was quite hard...very emotional...instead of dancing with you..I danced with your picture...and cried a little..for you- for all the wonderful September Morn's we spent together. I will not run away from those things my love I embrace them even if they are hard...my way of honouring you...part of my grieving for you.
I went to Bold Street when I felt a bit better.....and ordered a new sofa from Utility.....I know you would approve of the sofa and the price...15 percent off over the bank holiday....
I had a coffee in Leaf and thought of all the coffee's teas and meals we had in there...we always enjoyed them.
I have reached the time of the year that I have been dreading in a way..only because I felt I would be very emotional again..I have been calmer since we scattered your ashes...and today has proved me right..and that is Ok feeling are good an important part of us.
I saw Anita on Saturday- she is very ill- maybe in her last few weeks or months...she is on the same medication that you were on- it was strange hearing the family chat about doses etc- so like many conversations that we had..together and with family....this time I felt on the outside...a good thing I have to say...brought back memories of life being very difficult for us,,,,till we adjusted to the regime ...when you came home from hospital the first year...those memories make me feel so sad.
Anita and her family are going through all this now....I feel for them so much...they --like us-- are doing very well,,,,,I think we and all our family did really well too -in your last year...and even longer. That gives me heart....I know you noticed and appreciated all we did.
I am going to visit Penny Steve Kate Johnny Felix and Harry tomorrow...I have Dundee cake Polish Cake- peanut biscuits....and lots of little gifts for the children,,,,I hope to see Johnny on Friday...It is their wedding anniversary that day..I have already sent their card and one to Lara in HK..and I have a gift for Archie's 5th birthday-- he is going to be a school boy on Monday.Felix and Harry are five now too- they will continue at nursery for another year..time to catch up.
I met Stuart today. I have not seen him since you left us...he was very sweet....looking older--like the rest of us...Laura is coming tonight for supper..and a chat about the Bold Street book.....looking forward to hearing if there is any progress...
I have had some of your art framed recently....more still to be done....I can't get any help to get them hung..as we need an electric drill....I have asked..Brian- Phil J -Andrew- so far no one has been able to help....every one is so busy..but it will happen in time...I am wondering if I should buy and learn to use an electric drill....I read somewhere..that all woman should have among other things...a black lacy bra and an electric drill.....:-)
So my love I have almost got through..September 1st....I love you- you are the love of my life...always will be....TT... Helen XXXX
Thursday, 27 August 2015
Letters in email form!
Darling John....I was about to write to you with the latest news-when I got an email from Lara to say hoe much she enjoyed reading my last email- telling her what I was about to tell you...so below is a chunk of that email....for you.......................
"Quite a lot has happened lately, I have been to Scotland twice this summer ,once to Banavie near Fort William with my sisters, then to Glasgow Edinburgh and Argyll with Andrew and Lucy.
Both trips were wonderful in various ways,and I think if I every won the lottery, I might move back, firstly because it is such a beautiful country, and secondly, all my family are there, still ,I am lucky my four brothers and sisters, their spouses and their children, all gorgeous and different.
The most important event was when we went to Argyll and scattered some of John's ashes at the Rest and be Thankful.
It was a typical August day in Scotland , grey, low cloud, windy and smirnin(g).
Andrew and I agreed we loved the atmosphere of the day as we drove up Loch Lomond Side and Loch Long....but Lucy who had never been there was sorry she could not see anything...Andrew and I could see it in our mind's eye.
When we got to The Rest....I panicked a bit, thought it was the wrong place, a touch of separation anxiety methinks, Andrew was very patient checked the location on the phone, assured me we were in the right place, and so we got out the car, to howling gales and sheets of rain, we decided to go ahead as it meant we were alone, everyone else stayed in their cars or drove on..
We scattered the ashes, towards the old road, but of course due to the weather, some of the ashes came back to us, but mostly they flew free over the rest, John is certainly flying free in Argyll, and who knows how far he has flown in that weather, very liberating, after all those months in Woolton.
It was a combination of sombre ,sad ,happy and hilarious...,of course it was, it is such a bizarre thing to do and there is no protocol, the weather was perfect for the moment.
We then drove into Inveraray caravan park to remember my folks,and my time there with John.
We stood for while at the Loch side on the site, and remembered, then we visited the old cottage my mum was evacuated to during the war.
It was all very poignant - we headed back into Inveraray as I told Andrew and Lucy that John said his major life events were often heralded with a thunder storm or a snow storm...
We hoped to have a picnic on the Pier at Inveraray but it turned out it was a Scottish picnic, which I had told Lucy about, you sit in the car in the pouring rain eating your sandwiches ,windscreen wipers on so you can see the view.
When we got out the car, for a wander around Inveraray, I swear to god this happened, there was a massive flash of lightening then a huge rumble of thunder, followed by the most amazing downpour I have ever seen in 50 years of being in Inveraray...we all just looked at each other....we think John was around making his presence felt..... it was quite a day, when we drove home of course the clouds parted the sun came out, the hills were running with cascading water,we stopped again at The Rest and saw it's amazing beauty, and I know I did the right thing for John....and as it happens me too, I felt liberated too, if emotionally exhausted.
We hired the car for the day,so when we got close to Kintillo Drive in Glasgow,, I asked Andrew to drive down it, my folks home, I have not been for four years, could not face seeing the house without them in it, but it was ok, strange, nothing has changed,I felt if I rang the bell my folks would answer the door.
We had a great family night in Glasgow during the visit, we were able to entertain as we had an apartment, and that was great.
We had the best day in Edinburgh, another emotional day for me as I had never been to Edinburgh without John and he loved the festival.
Andrew and Lucy planned a fab day out for me and I loved every minute of it...I thought of you David and Johnny when I saw all the young hopefuls on the royal mile, handing out their leaflets.
I had a day out in London last week, met my friend Andrea and we went to see high Society..it was wonderful, uplifting, such a happy show and still relevant to day as ever it was....the only moment I cried was when they sang True Love :-( thought of my true love John...but I was ok,,,just a wobble."
Lara's response...
Dearest Helen
I just wanted to briefly say just how beautiful this email was - I loved reading every part. You have a beautiful way with words. Such amazing memories and wonderful terrible moments together.
I know David wants to write and will - but in the interim, this was very special to read.The Scottish picnic, the amazing weather, John all around, in spirit, in the winds, in the rain. He is with us all the way....
Sending so much love and looking forward to our meeting on December 28. I am sorry we are so distant and especially with this distance and these jobs, we are not as in touch as we would like to be - but we think of you lots and Christmas will be just the time to reconnect.
BTW your postcard! It arrived! And actually was pretty quick - it came which we were in holiday in Thailand so perhaps Monday of last week? So really only a couple of weeks! Keep writing, I really want to get back into letters - so you can be my first penfriend ;-)
Kisses, ..........................................
So dear John, that was a day for you in Argyll.....I know you would have loved it...I missed you more there ,I know you would be telling me all kinds of stories and sharing memories about Argyll and Edinburgh too.
I am feeling a bit more energetic at least in my mind..since that holiday...I am putting my head above the parapet and looking forward a wee bit...making plans for when I get back from my travels..to HK Beijing and OZ....thinking abut what is life after all that and without you,my John.
Anita is very seriously ill terminally ill ..I hardly know what to say-- it is too fresh and too shocking... I am asking the big questions....what it is all about? what is life? what is death? are there meanings to any of this..if so will I ever know that meaning?
I love you John that will never change....and I am doing OK,,,,,,it is not so sore and sharp as it was...just occasionally it is.....I cry less too.... which is good as I could just fall apart on the bus..or walking down Bold Street....any time.
I am a bit more in control of my feelings now. I know you will like that...you liked me to be "in charge" and you were lovely when I fell apart too although I think it worried you.
What is the Shakespeare quote? "love is not love ,if changes-- when alteration finds" something like that...you will know.
I have found a big alteration...you have left....and I still love you....
I am so grateful to have know you and been your wife for 28 years at Halloween..
a peom says when the grief calms down and we are no longer separated by it, we can be close again, it is true the awful grief is very isolating....now I feel you are close to me in my heart..at my shoulder..smiling...caring !
I love you. TT xx
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Wednesday, 5 August 2015
folk rallying round me/us/ John at PPM
Hi darling
I feel much better the last few days- all the children and being supportive about me taking you to Rest and be Thankful next week- you are no longer in Woolton you are at PPM with Andrew and Lucy it makes me so happy!Andrew collected your ashes last night and we felt you were free :-) and one thing we know about is death does set us free.
Love you miss you-Helen TT xx
I feel much better the last few days- all the children and being supportive about me taking you to Rest and be Thankful next week- you are no longer in Woolton you are at PPM with Andrew and Lucy it makes me so happy!Andrew collected your ashes last night and we felt you were free :-) and one thing we know about is death does set us free.
Love you miss you-Helen TT xx
Friday, 31 July 2015
feeding chickens
Hello darling
I miss you - this morning I was listening to Radio 3 " breakfast" and they were coming from Cornwall- and playing pieces written about the sea- quite lovely - but they startled me by playing Sea Fever sung by John Ireland---I have been left feeling very sad and missing you- how I wish you would appear at the door right now and say "want a wee cup of tea hen?"
In fact Ellie read the poem far better- I did not know it was a song too although many poems are- and of course Leonard Cohen 's is a poet and his songs are poems too-or many are.
I am feeding Brian and Celia's chickens this week- when I go over I remember us sitting in that lovely garden last year about this time- Brian had made a cake for Celia's birthday and we sat in the sunshine -it was really too hot that day- unlike this year- the weather is not so good for summer- I am glad your last summer was a beautiful summer- and we had the garden and the sweet peas- sunflowers- much more colour than this year- my heart is not in it so much this year.
Days like today I want to go to sleep and not wake up- to be with you where ever you are--even if that is simply oblivion.
We were so lucky John we had such a good relationship- we had such a romantic start to our life together and it was exciting-and our working relationship was so good- people still mention it to me -how well we worked together- how obvious it was that we loved each other---- how to folk know what did/do they see?
What am I to do with out you? my life is busy with family friends a little work not too much--and I am enjoying things and looking forward to things...it is just that when all the nice things are over and I come home-- you are not here.I like being on my own though conversely...I don't want anyone else just you-- they only other people I could live with are my sisters-- not need for ceremony- we can just "be" together...a great gift.
I am taking you to Argyll in August to The Rest and be Thankful....I cannot wait any longer I need to scatter your ashes....I will scatter some on our Wedding Anniversary- Halloween- in the park by the place we put our Christmas trees... .then I will have you close to me ... The rest will go to P&J&D and they will have a little of you in their gardens,,,,,like my dad-- you will be every where...
Liz and Phil are coming for dinner tomorrow night with Andrew and Lucy...I have made a rhubarb sponge pudding with rhubarb for a neighbour - using the eggs of the chickens I am feeding.
I have made a delicious carrot and coriander soup with organic carrots and fresh coriander .
I will harvest my potatoes today- from my potato barrel.....you were here last year went I did that..and the spuds were delicious..
The front door and step have been painted--looks fab-- I have worked hard to get that done- a combination of my prodding and patience have paid off..
Love you dear John miss you....where are you ? your loving wife Helen TT xx
I miss you - this morning I was listening to Radio 3 " breakfast" and they were coming from Cornwall- and playing pieces written about the sea- quite lovely - but they startled me by playing Sea Fever sung by John Ireland---I have been left feeling very sad and missing you- how I wish you would appear at the door right now and say "want a wee cup of tea hen?"
In fact Ellie read the poem far better- I did not know it was a song too although many poems are- and of course Leonard Cohen 's is a poet and his songs are poems too-or many are.
I am feeding Brian and Celia's chickens this week- when I go over I remember us sitting in that lovely garden last year about this time- Brian had made a cake for Celia's birthday and we sat in the sunshine -it was really too hot that day- unlike this year- the weather is not so good for summer- I am glad your last summer was a beautiful summer- and we had the garden and the sweet peas- sunflowers- much more colour than this year- my heart is not in it so much this year.
Days like today I want to go to sleep and not wake up- to be with you where ever you are--even if that is simply oblivion.
We were so lucky John we had such a good relationship- we had such a romantic start to our life together and it was exciting-and our working relationship was so good- people still mention it to me -how well we worked together- how obvious it was that we loved each other---- how to folk know what did/do they see?
What am I to do with out you? my life is busy with family friends a little work not too much--and I am enjoying things and looking forward to things...it is just that when all the nice things are over and I come home-- you are not here.I like being on my own though conversely...I don't want anyone else just you-- they only other people I could live with are my sisters-- not need for ceremony- we can just "be" together...a great gift.
I am taking you to Argyll in August to The Rest and be Thankful....I cannot wait any longer I need to scatter your ashes....I will scatter some on our Wedding Anniversary- Halloween- in the park by the place we put our Christmas trees... .then I will have you close to me ... The rest will go to P&J&D and they will have a little of you in their gardens,,,,,like my dad-- you will be every where...
Liz and Phil are coming for dinner tomorrow night with Andrew and Lucy...I have made a rhubarb sponge pudding with rhubarb for a neighbour - using the eggs of the chickens I am feeding.
I have made a delicious carrot and coriander soup with organic carrots and fresh coriander .
I will harvest my potatoes today- from my potato barrel.....you were here last year went I did that..and the spuds were delicious..
The front door and step have been painted--looks fab-- I have worked hard to get that done- a combination of my prodding and patience have paid off..
Love you dear John miss you....where are you ? your loving wife Helen TT xx
Monday, 27 July 2015
Banavie- London- Theatre trips- Family visits.
Dear John
such a long time since I wrote to you here on the Blog.
Of course I have been talking to you in my head- sometimes out loud to your picture-and especially in Banavie Fort William Scotland.
I thought about you almost minute by minute there...dad too. I think of you both when I think of the mountains hills and lochs of our homeland...Scotland.
I was there with Sandra and Jackie we had a fun time and quiet reflective times too.
We enjoyed the Jacobite steam train from Fort William to Mallaig - we went through the most beautiful scenery on that journey I felt moved a lot.
The journey from Queen Street to Fort William is quite stunning too.We are from such a beautful country sometimes we take it for granted- Jackie reminds me most of Pa- she spends as much time there as possible and she plans to buy a beautiful place to live in there sometime in the future-I hope her dream comes true.
We plan a trip to Scotland in August in two weeks today we will be there..Andrew Lucy and I.
We will see as many of the family as possible while we are there.
I am not sure if we will do all we hope to do...family- art- cinema-Inveraray.
I don't have as much energy as A&L but at least we have a lovely apartment-so if I don't feel like joining in everything I can put my feet up and read my book.
I like the siesta times...we had them in Banavie--a time for reflection and rest if not actual sleep.
I miss you John- I missed you in Scotland- I missed you when I got home again- I collected the pictures of your that I had framed..the one you did on the Rocky Mountaineer-- the Rose--- and Corwen stone circle...all nicely done I found them comforting and sad too-- I brought Sam Toft's picture back from Castlenel- and dad's stained glass window- the Irish moon and star stained glass...and the four hearts Penny gave us...all now on the bathroom window ledge.Andrew will come with his drill and help me hang the pictures.
But you are still not here....each thing I do gives me comfort -hope-- then I realise you are still absent--gone--still not here in Liverpool-Castalla- Scotland. It is a dilema for me-I know you are dead- I was with you -we had that precious time when you left this planet--we were together holding hands- I felt your heart stop-- --yet sometimes- there is a glimmer of hope that I will see you again some how- and as I am think this I know it is crazy thinking---maybe thinking with my heart my feeling- rather than my head rather than with reason.I wish I wish I wish.
Robert and Paul were here in Liverpool this weekend- it was so good to meet Paul see Robert and him together- they like Liverpool and feel sure they will come back.I know you were so happy when you heard about Paul- you would like him I know you would- I gave them one of your Sweet peas pictures... they were touched- I know they will appreciate it. Each of your children will get one on their birthdays or Christmas...but I remember what you said to me dear John--I must remember I have the original :-)
I know though that the folk who have the copies are very grateful to have something of you.
It is five years to-day since mum died..I have been looking at pictures of her today. I felt sad- we had a difficult relationship- but she was mum- and she gave me life and I am grateful.
I have enjoyed celebrating Andrew's birthday with him and Lucy - we had a grand day out in London- seeing Mousetrap- eating Asian food- hoping on and off tubes- drinking wine - meeting his friends Andy and Clare,,,and travelling 1st class on Virgin.We topped of the evening with gifts and birthday cake at Ullet Road...and a West Wing....Life on Mars.
I miss you during those times too- you would have loved the whole day---well a few years ago you would have-when you had the energy to travel and walk around London.
I enjoyed it all though- the sadness comes in waves- usually after- sometimes during the occasion- it varies.
Time spent with people is a good thing though, I am there and enjoying myself in the present- and that builds up my resilience with my recovery from this heartbreaking loss of you my beloved John.
I saw Anne and Henry recently in Liverpool for a few hours- wonderful-- I see a lot of Patsy and Kev--always a good things for all of us I think---I am going to London soon to spend a day with Andrea... and I see all the young folk a lot..Liz Phil...Maz Manuella...Rachel Adam.Beth..Sarah......all that lovely group of students..who are very supportive and loving.
All this is a wonderful help and support to me......I miss Philip now..at first I did not so much--but as time goes on...I feel aware of his absence too ..although we skype a lot...but it is not the same as giving him hugs and feeling his presence...but he is happy growing learning...all the things we hope for our children.
I love you..I miss you...I am grateful for our lives together--for all we shared...as you said in your poem..for the miracle of our meeting... T T x
such a long time since I wrote to you here on the Blog.
Of course I have been talking to you in my head- sometimes out loud to your picture-and especially in Banavie Fort William Scotland.
I thought about you almost minute by minute there...dad too. I think of you both when I think of the mountains hills and lochs of our homeland...Scotland.
I was there with Sandra and Jackie we had a fun time and quiet reflective times too.
We enjoyed the Jacobite steam train from Fort William to Mallaig - we went through the most beautiful scenery on that journey I felt moved a lot.
The journey from Queen Street to Fort William is quite stunning too.We are from such a beautful country sometimes we take it for granted- Jackie reminds me most of Pa- she spends as much time there as possible and she plans to buy a beautiful place to live in there sometime in the future-I hope her dream comes true.
We plan a trip to Scotland in August in two weeks today we will be there..Andrew Lucy and I.
We will see as many of the family as possible while we are there.
I am not sure if we will do all we hope to do...family- art- cinema-Inveraray.
I don't have as much energy as A&L but at least we have a lovely apartment-so if I don't feel like joining in everything I can put my feet up and read my book.
I like the siesta times...we had them in Banavie--a time for reflection and rest if not actual sleep.
I miss you John- I missed you in Scotland- I missed you when I got home again- I collected the pictures of your that I had framed..the one you did on the Rocky Mountaineer-- the Rose--- and Corwen stone circle...all nicely done I found them comforting and sad too-- I brought Sam Toft's picture back from Castlenel- and dad's stained glass window- the Irish moon and star stained glass...and the four hearts Penny gave us...all now on the bathroom window ledge.Andrew will come with his drill and help me hang the pictures.
But you are still not here....each thing I do gives me comfort -hope-- then I realise you are still absent--gone--still not here in Liverpool-Castalla- Scotland. It is a dilema for me-I know you are dead- I was with you -we had that precious time when you left this planet--we were together holding hands- I felt your heart stop-- --yet sometimes- there is a glimmer of hope that I will see you again some how- and as I am think this I know it is crazy thinking---maybe thinking with my heart my feeling- rather than my head rather than with reason.I wish I wish I wish.
Robert and Paul were here in Liverpool this weekend- it was so good to meet Paul see Robert and him together- they like Liverpool and feel sure they will come back.I know you were so happy when you heard about Paul- you would like him I know you would- I gave them one of your Sweet peas pictures... they were touched- I know they will appreciate it. Each of your children will get one on their birthdays or Christmas...but I remember what you said to me dear John--I must remember I have the original :-)
I know though that the folk who have the copies are very grateful to have something of you.
It is five years to-day since mum died..I have been looking at pictures of her today. I felt sad- we had a difficult relationship- but she was mum- and she gave me life and I am grateful.
I have enjoyed celebrating Andrew's birthday with him and Lucy - we had a grand day out in London- seeing Mousetrap- eating Asian food- hoping on and off tubes- drinking wine - meeting his friends Andy and Clare,,,and travelling 1st class on Virgin.We topped of the evening with gifts and birthday cake at Ullet Road...and a West Wing....Life on Mars.
I miss you during those times too- you would have loved the whole day---well a few years ago you would have-when you had the energy to travel and walk around London.
I enjoyed it all though- the sadness comes in waves- usually after- sometimes during the occasion- it varies.
Time spent with people is a good thing though, I am there and enjoying myself in the present- and that builds up my resilience with my recovery from this heartbreaking loss of you my beloved John.
I saw Anne and Henry recently in Liverpool for a few hours- wonderful-- I see a lot of Patsy and Kev--always a good things for all of us I think---I am going to London soon to spend a day with Andrea... and I see all the young folk a lot..Liz Phil...Maz Manuella...Rachel Adam.Beth..Sarah......all that lovely group of students..who are very supportive and loving.
All this is a wonderful help and support to me......I miss Philip now..at first I did not so much--but as time goes on...I feel aware of his absence too ..although we skype a lot...but it is not the same as giving him hugs and feeling his presence...but he is happy growing learning...all the things we hope for our children.
I love you..I miss you...I am grateful for our lives together--for all we shared...as you said in your poem..for the miracle of our meeting... T T x
Monday, 22 June 2015
Glasgow- Castalla- Liverpool! June 2015
Hello darling-
I am back in Liverpool once again.
I had a very mixed time away from here-Glasgow went well- Fallon is a wee star quite hyper - but obviously very capable and able to focus when she is studying and working- I think she winds down by all the chatter and she feels safe at Sandra's she did our nails for us the night before we left.it is lovely to see here and Scott together so young and in love.
H -had a freak out night the night before we left---poor Sandra was so tired when we went to the airport--he just loses it and says awful things- I think he was jealous that we were downstairs with Fallon and Scott--and that we were heading off---but who really know why he is like that...I don't like having to be " nice" to him all the time-but it is the way to be with Sandra so needs must--- he has to be right all the time- his views on politics-on Scotland- on football he is very negative- drains my energy this kind of behaviour.It is as if no one else has needs or opinions.
Our flight was ok- we had a a few groups of hens and stags-- scary ...we decided to hide - but were sat beside a woman who wanted to talk all the time - her behaviour was dis-inhibited she was travelling alone and harmless really!But after the night Sandra had had- we needed some peace.
Frank was there to meet us his happy handsome face - I cried when I saw him- so strange to be travelling without you- even though that was hard for you- for both of us to be honest- the wheel chair -your discomfort- the fuss- but we were together my love and that is what I missed- not the hard stuff- your presence beside me.
Castlenel and Castalla were a welcome sight-- I was very upset when we got to the house- just cried and cried- your room had a feeling of absence-I was more aware of your absence especially in Seoidin- but all through the house- every room every object had a story a memory- of our shared lives our history.
Sandra was great- she is a wonderful distraction- always a wee story to tell-but she was sad too.
We talked a lot about you and our shared time in Castalla together- happy memories-if still painful.
All the neighbours were kind loving caring- and sad too.I miss you for so much- but over there for your Spanish - you talked to the neighbours interpreted them to me and me to them
Your room felt very strange without you in it- I did some work on your things- but I could not be in there looking at your things for too long- too painful.
I brought the Corwen Stones Circle painting home to be re framed- and the picture your did on the rocky mountaineer- and I found the beautiful little rose in the book too-It started me howling again- you always did roses for me- roses and romance went together for you. I also brought the two little books Nina gave us when she left Seven Sisters- roses for me and tartans for you- I had put the rose you bought be in Gerona many years ago in the rose book- and a beautiful poem that you wrote for me a long time ago- about irises and sunflowers- they had such meaning for us in our early days-on holiday in France in the sunshine very much in love.
Castlenel was much improved with the new utility room- the new kitchen sink- and the new boiler-- so much needed and a bit boring compared to roses and irises.
" you start off sinking into his arms- and end up with your arms in the sink" who said that?
you were well aware of that my love and did so much to keep romance alive with flowers- poetry -wine ! I love you for that.
I remember when we were first at the farm I was in a tizz about how much housework had to be done-- you said sit down we will light a candle and then we won't see the dust---and you poured me a glass of wine.
A young friend who had never met you but heard me tell that story - sent me a text a few months ago- saying she had managed to stop herself doing house work by remembering me telling her that story- she lit a candle and sat down with a cup of tea- so my darling you are still spreading your benign influence.
Brian and Celia loved Castlenel and Castalla- are even considering buying a house over there.
They were good visitors- I was not too well while they were there a tummy bug- and gut wrenching grief...but they were able to accept this in me- and go out and about and enjoy the place and come back in with their stories of the outside world.
I enjoyed the last few days on my own before Phil came- that is when i did most of the work in your room---I was shattered with all the crying and it was good not to have to worry about visitors.
P's visit was OK- we managed to be together for a few days without a fight-- mostly I channelled your patience and understanding--it was a bit like the start of the holiday with H--as long as you agree with him- and do things his way-- everything is fine-- just don't talk about your life your needs---I notice when I did-- P had no idea how to respond- I am pretty sure he heard- but he has no way of acknowledging this- he just changes the subject- or checks his facebook!
He was ok though when I cried- he just left a space for me to do that--and at the beginning -he did say it was understandable - he does his best-- and I gave him a list when he arrived of things that needed done which i could not manage by myself- and he did get on with that- and in the end between us we got the chandelier cleaned...it now looks great and sparklie.
I would like to get the smaller version of that chandelier for the hall on the next floor-remember we said we would- but never did...
So I am back in Ullet Road- I left Castlenel aware of your absence and came back to Ullet Road to find you absent from here too.....it is so hard- and sometimes I think- it would be wonderful to go to sleep and never waked up again- to be with you where ever you are....
I am aware enough to know this will pass- it is only six months since you died my John....there are good things in life--- Andrew Lucy---all the children- friends my family in Scotland---your family in Scotland....as I say often--- I have lots of people to do things with.....what I miss is someone ( you) to do nothing with....I missed that especially in Castlenel....we had such a good routine over there-- we knew what we were supposed to be doing by what time it was ....love you my darling...miss you so much....Helen TT xx
I am back in Liverpool once again.
I had a very mixed time away from here-Glasgow went well- Fallon is a wee star quite hyper - but obviously very capable and able to focus when she is studying and working- I think she winds down by all the chatter and she feels safe at Sandra's she did our nails for us the night before we left.it is lovely to see here and Scott together so young and in love.
H -had a freak out night the night before we left---poor Sandra was so tired when we went to the airport--he just loses it and says awful things- I think he was jealous that we were downstairs with Fallon and Scott--and that we were heading off---but who really know why he is like that...I don't like having to be " nice" to him all the time-but it is the way to be with Sandra so needs must--- he has to be right all the time- his views on politics-on Scotland- on football he is very negative- drains my energy this kind of behaviour.It is as if no one else has needs or opinions.
Our flight was ok- we had a a few groups of hens and stags-- scary ...we decided to hide - but were sat beside a woman who wanted to talk all the time - her behaviour was dis-inhibited she was travelling alone and harmless really!But after the night Sandra had had- we needed some peace.
Frank was there to meet us his happy handsome face - I cried when I saw him- so strange to be travelling without you- even though that was hard for you- for both of us to be honest- the wheel chair -your discomfort- the fuss- but we were together my love and that is what I missed- not the hard stuff- your presence beside me.
Castlenel and Castalla were a welcome sight-- I was very upset when we got to the house- just cried and cried- your room had a feeling of absence-I was more aware of your absence especially in Seoidin- but all through the house- every room every object had a story a memory- of our shared lives our history.
Sandra was great- she is a wonderful distraction- always a wee story to tell-but she was sad too.
We talked a lot about you and our shared time in Castalla together- happy memories-if still painful.
All the neighbours were kind loving caring- and sad too.I miss you for so much- but over there for your Spanish - you talked to the neighbours interpreted them to me and me to them
Your room felt very strange without you in it- I did some work on your things- but I could not be in there looking at your things for too long- too painful.
I brought the Corwen Stones Circle painting home to be re framed- and the picture your did on the rocky mountaineer- and I found the beautiful little rose in the book too-It started me howling again- you always did roses for me- roses and romance went together for you. I also brought the two little books Nina gave us when she left Seven Sisters- roses for me and tartans for you- I had put the rose you bought be in Gerona many years ago in the rose book- and a beautiful poem that you wrote for me a long time ago- about irises and sunflowers- they had such meaning for us in our early days-on holiday in France in the sunshine very much in love.
Castlenel was much improved with the new utility room- the new kitchen sink- and the new boiler-- so much needed and a bit boring compared to roses and irises.
" you start off sinking into his arms- and end up with your arms in the sink" who said that?
you were well aware of that my love and did so much to keep romance alive with flowers- poetry -wine ! I love you for that.
I remember when we were first at the farm I was in a tizz about how much housework had to be done-- you said sit down we will light a candle and then we won't see the dust---and you poured me a glass of wine.
A young friend who had never met you but heard me tell that story - sent me a text a few months ago- saying she had managed to stop herself doing house work by remembering me telling her that story- she lit a candle and sat down with a cup of tea- so my darling you are still spreading your benign influence.
Brian and Celia loved Castlenel and Castalla- are even considering buying a house over there.
They were good visitors- I was not too well while they were there a tummy bug- and gut wrenching grief...but they were able to accept this in me- and go out and about and enjoy the place and come back in with their stories of the outside world.
I enjoyed the last few days on my own before Phil came- that is when i did most of the work in your room---I was shattered with all the crying and it was good not to have to worry about visitors.
P's visit was OK- we managed to be together for a few days without a fight-- mostly I channelled your patience and understanding--it was a bit like the start of the holiday with H--as long as you agree with him- and do things his way-- everything is fine-- just don't talk about your life your needs---I notice when I did-- P had no idea how to respond- I am pretty sure he heard- but he has no way of acknowledging this- he just changes the subject- or checks his facebook!
He was ok though when I cried- he just left a space for me to do that--and at the beginning -he did say it was understandable - he does his best-- and I gave him a list when he arrived of things that needed done which i could not manage by myself- and he did get on with that- and in the end between us we got the chandelier cleaned...it now looks great and sparklie.
I would like to get the smaller version of that chandelier for the hall on the next floor-remember we said we would- but never did...
So I am back in Ullet Road- I left Castlenel aware of your absence and came back to Ullet Road to find you absent from here too.....it is so hard- and sometimes I think- it would be wonderful to go to sleep and never waked up again- to be with you where ever you are....
I am aware enough to know this will pass- it is only six months since you died my John....there are good things in life--- Andrew Lucy---all the children- friends my family in Scotland---your family in Scotland....as I say often--- I have lots of people to do things with.....what I miss is someone ( you) to do nothing with....I missed that especially in Castlenel....we had such a good routine over there-- we knew what we were supposed to be doing by what time it was ....love you my darling...miss you so much....Helen TT xx
Sunday, 24 May 2015
Johnny's visit- Fact talk- Weekend of the Queens.
Hello darling.
where are you my love ? wish I could see you ,talk to you ,take your advice.
This week Johnny came and we had a very emotional day looking at your things- clothes writings possessions of all kinds.
Johnny looks well he has lost some weight and it suits him- we were both sad yet comforted by being together talking about you- remember many things about your time in Marie Curie his visits- our regular contact.We both miss it.
Johnny has taken everything with him- he had to borrow a case- he had two cases and two shoulder bags--by the time we had done the packing- we did not feel too much like having lunch- we had a little soup and it was time for the cab to come and whisk him away.
When the train puled out I felt sad and that I had made a mistake- I was being dis- loyal to you by not keeping everything. crazy I know- but grief is crazy- or magical thinking as I like to call it.
For the first time since you left us- I asked Andrew and Lucy to come round for a glass of wine with me- I felt the need to have them with me for a little while- I don't like to make demands- but that was hard -like losing you again......and they came god bless them at 9o'clock at night- it was good though I felt better talking to them and telling them about the day...and it helped me make more sense of my feelings.
The following day it was Laura's talk at Fact- and that was emotional too- but not so raw as the day before. Laura was excellent- she said a lot about the photographers and the project that you did together- she was very inclusive and gave you lots of credit- she loved you- she really misses you - as so many of us do.
I am going to Spain soon- that is going to be hard - going there with out you my love.
I have things to do first though- tonight I am going to Lark lane to have dinner with Philip and Anita at the Greek restaurant.
Tomorrow Andrew and Lucy are taking me out for dinner- don't know where -it is a surprise :-)
I hope to go to the docks tomorrow to see the Queens....Tuesday I am taking Beth out for her (late) birthday lunch.I have a client on Tuesday evening- then I am off on Wednesday- I get into Glasgow about 6.00 Pm. Thursday I will go for a massage at the palce near Sandra ---and on Friday we are off- and hopefully Frank will be there to meet us....
I will talk to you from Glasgow or Castlenel-- maybe even before I leave....see what happens...love you John miss you so much--- TT.
where are you my love ? wish I could see you ,talk to you ,take your advice.
This week Johnny came and we had a very emotional day looking at your things- clothes writings possessions of all kinds.
Johnny looks well he has lost some weight and it suits him- we were both sad yet comforted by being together talking about you- remember many things about your time in Marie Curie his visits- our regular contact.We both miss it.
Johnny has taken everything with him- he had to borrow a case- he had two cases and two shoulder bags--by the time we had done the packing- we did not feel too much like having lunch- we had a little soup and it was time for the cab to come and whisk him away.
When the train puled out I felt sad and that I had made a mistake- I was being dis- loyal to you by not keeping everything. crazy I know- but grief is crazy- or magical thinking as I like to call it.
For the first time since you left us- I asked Andrew and Lucy to come round for a glass of wine with me- I felt the need to have them with me for a little while- I don't like to make demands- but that was hard -like losing you again......and they came god bless them at 9o'clock at night- it was good though I felt better talking to them and telling them about the day...and it helped me make more sense of my feelings.
The following day it was Laura's talk at Fact- and that was emotional too- but not so raw as the day before. Laura was excellent- she said a lot about the photographers and the project that you did together- she was very inclusive and gave you lots of credit- she loved you- she really misses you - as so many of us do.
I am going to Spain soon- that is going to be hard - going there with out you my love.
I have things to do first though- tonight I am going to Lark lane to have dinner with Philip and Anita at the Greek restaurant.
Tomorrow Andrew and Lucy are taking me out for dinner- don't know where -it is a surprise :-)
I hope to go to the docks tomorrow to see the Queens....Tuesday I am taking Beth out for her (late) birthday lunch.I have a client on Tuesday evening- then I am off on Wednesday- I get into Glasgow about 6.00 Pm. Thursday I will go for a massage at the palce near Sandra ---and on Friday we are off- and hopefully Frank will be there to meet us....
I will talk to you from Glasgow or Castlenel-- maybe even before I leave....see what happens...love you John miss you so much--- TT.
Monday, 18 May 2015
Twenty weeks and one day!
Hello darling John
yesterday was not an easy day for me- it was the five month anniversary of your death-I sorely miss you- I have been in quite a good space since I recovered from the leaving of Philip- relatively calm and getting on with things- but early last week I felt quite ill a bad dose of the cold and a sore throat then a sore ear-- I lay low most of the week- because I was running a workshop at Fact- and I did the workshop and it went well- but I felt awful afterwards- so weak and fragile- tearful- missed you wanted you to make me a cuppa-make my supper give me a hug...be in the same room feel your presence.
I felt awful all the next day when I was supposed to be doing things with Lucy join in light night- but I just felt ill and weak all day- I finally met Andrew and Lucy at The Tate about 8.00 PM after walking to Princes Avenue before I got a cab...it was worth going I was so happy to spend a few hours with A&L even though Andrew was not 100% himself.We had some wine listened to speeches- then headed to Everyman for more wine...the event we went to see was over- but it was nice to be together chatting and drinking wine.
Saturday I felt as fluy as ever-- but just chilled made some soup- but I have lots of food delivered but have not felt like eating much- and I don't feel like cooking either- hope to get my mojo back soon so I don't waste all the lovely veggies..
I keep reliving your last few days weeks months in my head- it is not always comforting- sometimes it breaks me heart-you knew the end was coming- and accepted that- conversely you wanted to come home to see the bathroom-- and be in your own home--I remember the day we asked Dr Dan about this- he was so kind- said if things changed - we would consider this-did not want to take hope away-but we both knew- and shortly after that you were moved to the last room-you knew it was time to go---but it is not fair I miss you I want you back home- I am tired of living without you- I do things make plans- but I want to talk things through with you- I want you to help me decide what to do next- shall I travel to HK- Beijing- Australia? I don't know if I would enjoy it or if I would just be going through the motions-there is the financial side to consider but it is not just that-I try to imagine myself there and to-day how I feel it is all too much- to much energy involved- in some ways it would be avoidance- at first I wanted to stay here for the first year--- now I don't know-- also can't go September October November and January it is too long away- and it is Susan's' 70th in January so if I go to China it would be better to keep going over to Sydney.
If I don't go- I have to face up to not wanting to go to Castalla for Christmas- I truly don't - would feel unfaithful to you spending the first Christmas without you- in Spain with Phil.....if it was only the children- I would be there in a heartbeat---but if Philip is coming home at Christmas how will I see him if I don't go to Castalla...would he come over here--- maybe if I paid his fare- that would help! maybe that would work- I have been bending over backwards fr too long- trying to make it nice for everyone- but that was only possible when you were here John - we always want to make it nice for the children-- but hey the youngest is about to be 40 they are big people- many broken home don't get the parents together on so many occasions....your children never did--- M was not up for it-- she took care of her own needs- good on her--it was hard on you but she had courage.
I always found it hard to say no to my children- not that they actually asked me to join in Christmas--I just felt that first Christmas that we were home and they invited up to Christmas lunch it would be nice- but it quickly became a custom.
It all feels to hard- maybe this is why I feel ill- I am going to see my counsellorthat will help - sharing this saying it out loud
Oh dear John wish you were here-- love you and miss you so much-- TT Helen xx
yesterday was not an easy day for me- it was the five month anniversary of your death-I sorely miss you- I have been in quite a good space since I recovered from the leaving of Philip- relatively calm and getting on with things- but early last week I felt quite ill a bad dose of the cold and a sore throat then a sore ear-- I lay low most of the week- because I was running a workshop at Fact- and I did the workshop and it went well- but I felt awful afterwards- so weak and fragile- tearful- missed you wanted you to make me a cuppa-make my supper give me a hug...be in the same room feel your presence.
I felt awful all the next day when I was supposed to be doing things with Lucy join in light night- but I just felt ill and weak all day- I finally met Andrew and Lucy at The Tate about 8.00 PM after walking to Princes Avenue before I got a cab...it was worth going I was so happy to spend a few hours with A&L even though Andrew was not 100% himself.We had some wine listened to speeches- then headed to Everyman for more wine...the event we went to see was over- but it was nice to be together chatting and drinking wine.
Saturday I felt as fluy as ever-- but just chilled made some soup- but I have lots of food delivered but have not felt like eating much- and I don't feel like cooking either- hope to get my mojo back soon so I don't waste all the lovely veggies..
I keep reliving your last few days weeks months in my head- it is not always comforting- sometimes it breaks me heart-you knew the end was coming- and accepted that- conversely you wanted to come home to see the bathroom-- and be in your own home--I remember the day we asked Dr Dan about this- he was so kind- said if things changed - we would consider this-did not want to take hope away-but we both knew- and shortly after that you were moved to the last room-you knew it was time to go---but it is not fair I miss you I want you back home- I am tired of living without you- I do things make plans- but I want to talk things through with you- I want you to help me decide what to do next- shall I travel to HK- Beijing- Australia? I don't know if I would enjoy it or if I would just be going through the motions-there is the financial side to consider but it is not just that-I try to imagine myself there and to-day how I feel it is all too much- to much energy involved- in some ways it would be avoidance- at first I wanted to stay here for the first year--- now I don't know-- also can't go September October November and January it is too long away- and it is Susan's' 70th in January so if I go to China it would be better to keep going over to Sydney.
If I don't go- I have to face up to not wanting to go to Castalla for Christmas- I truly don't - would feel unfaithful to you spending the first Christmas without you- in Spain with Phil.....if it was only the children- I would be there in a heartbeat---but if Philip is coming home at Christmas how will I see him if I don't go to Castalla...would he come over here--- maybe if I paid his fare- that would help! maybe that would work- I have been bending over backwards fr too long- trying to make it nice for everyone- but that was only possible when you were here John - we always want to make it nice for the children-- but hey the youngest is about to be 40 they are big people- many broken home don't get the parents together on so many occasions....your children never did--- M was not up for it-- she took care of her own needs- good on her--it was hard on you but she had courage.
I always found it hard to say no to my children- not that they actually asked me to join in Christmas--I just felt that first Christmas that we were home and they invited up to Christmas lunch it would be nice- but it quickly became a custom.
It all feels to hard- maybe this is why I feel ill- I am going to see my counsellorthat will help - sharing this saying it out loud
Oh dear John wish you were here-- love you and miss you so much-- TT Helen xx
Saturday, 9 May 2015
9th May Blessings way day.
Hello John
I am home now- I enjoyed my visit to Glasgow and as ever I am glad to be home again.
I met Anita yesterday at The Bluecoat- she said that I looked better than she has seen me for a long time which made me feel better- I know I have looked drawn a lot of the time and my eyes look sad and sore.
She thinks I have turned a corner-I hope so- when I came home the other night- It was the first time that I came in from a few days away- and did not cry- I looked at your pictures and your writing and your things- and I felt a little stronger.
I am perpetually tired more tired that I feel I ought to be-- but then I remember grief is exhausting - I have not slept well the last two nights-- so feel more tired today.
I am still expecting to hear a date for when Johnny and Penny are coming- I would like them to come now and take what they want to take- it feels it is time to say good bye to your clothes and papers- the ones that I don't want to keep.
Especially as we are so short of space here in this flat.
Phil has been here to put the block on the water drips under the windows in the lounge- he has stopped the radiators leaking too- and the boiler has been serviced- a nice young man Richie did it he remember you and said you were a nice man-- we soul I cried when I told him that you had died in December--- he was sweet -turns out he is a Jehovah's Witness- but sweet none the less and gentle.
Phil will do some painting in the house and garden in when I am in Scotland with Sandra and Jackie.
Today Beth has organised a blessings way for me- remember I did one for her when she was pregnant with Anoushka..
I am a bit nervous as I don't know what she has organised or who is coming- but I know it is all loving people- and it is about helping me through this transition period..
Andrew and Lucy will call in at 7.00 and they will have a bit of time saying hello to everyone- before they leave and we have our evening together...I will let you know how it goes.
I feel very tired and do not know whether to go for a lie down or a walk- can't decide what is best for me.
It is a big day today- would like to have some energy to process it all and enjoy it too.
I love you darling- thanks for you love and care all through our time together...TT Helen xx
I am home now- I enjoyed my visit to Glasgow and as ever I am glad to be home again.
I met Anita yesterday at The Bluecoat- she said that I looked better than she has seen me for a long time which made me feel better- I know I have looked drawn a lot of the time and my eyes look sad and sore.
She thinks I have turned a corner-I hope so- when I came home the other night- It was the first time that I came in from a few days away- and did not cry- I looked at your pictures and your writing and your things- and I felt a little stronger.
I am perpetually tired more tired that I feel I ought to be-- but then I remember grief is exhausting - I have not slept well the last two nights-- so feel more tired today.
I am still expecting to hear a date for when Johnny and Penny are coming- I would like them to come now and take what they want to take- it feels it is time to say good bye to your clothes and papers- the ones that I don't want to keep.
Especially as we are so short of space here in this flat.
Phil has been here to put the block on the water drips under the windows in the lounge- he has stopped the radiators leaking too- and the boiler has been serviced- a nice young man Richie did it he remember you and said you were a nice man-- we soul I cried when I told him that you had died in December--- he was sweet -turns out he is a Jehovah's Witness- but sweet none the less and gentle.
Phil will do some painting in the house and garden in when I am in Scotland with Sandra and Jackie.
Today Beth has organised a blessings way for me- remember I did one for her when she was pregnant with Anoushka..
I am a bit nervous as I don't know what she has organised or who is coming- but I know it is all loving people- and it is about helping me through this transition period..
Andrew and Lucy will call in at 7.00 and they will have a bit of time saying hello to everyone- before they leave and we have our evening together...I will let you know how it goes.
I feel very tired and do not know whether to go for a lie down or a walk- can't decide what is best for me.
It is a big day today- would like to have some energy to process it all and enjoy it too.
I love you darling- thanks for you love and care all through our time together...TT Helen xx
Sunday, 3 May 2015
Glasgow visit!
Dear John
I am sitting on the bed at Sandra's the wind in howling round the house and it is pouring with rain so a typical bank holiday weekend. It has been a very emotional time here in Glasgow . Marie and I spent a long evening talking about you the other evening which was lovely - Matthew came in later and we chatted about our memories too - I enjoyed my time with them as ever.
When I got to Sandra's we were both shattered but we took her charges to the park and collected some children from school - we had some fun with them before they left for home and Sandra finished for the weekend- Harry made a lovely salmon dish which we enjoyed and Sandra and I had an early night - next day we both had massages much needed in my case then Jackie picked us up and we went for pizza in Byres Road had a good catch up then we went to see Far from the Madding Crowd - which we all enjoyed but would not rave about it .
Yesterday Sandra and I went out with Julie to look at wedding dresses- when Julie was trying them on -it was such a treat - she has such a lovely slim frame so looked great in everything she tried on but there were two that just stood out. - took our breath away - I cried of course - she will,have some time to reflect on this now and make up her mind this week - it takes about six months to make the dress to her size- she does not have a date yet because they have not found a venue that suits them but I think this might be an late autumn early winter wedding !
I took them to the champagne lounge in Central hotel and the girls had Proseco and Sandra and I had sparkling water - it was a really special day - for all of us .
Sandra and I them came home for the car and headed to Silverburn to collect Sandra's phone - she was a very happy camper to have it back. Harry made us a Chinese curry for supper I watched the end of the Man U WBA match sadly we lost 1-0.
Today we went with Scott and Fallon to see their new home - they get the keys next week very exciting for them and a lot of fun for me to see the house and hear their plans- we went for coffee after and enjoyed a good chat . we came home and got a call from Julie she and Raphs are at Devonshire Hotel for a night away - they got an upgrade to a suite - Ab Fab - it was lovely hearing Raph talking about his plans for having a wedding suit made - lovely couple you would like them - both couples in fact. I have a picture of you with me - it is lovely to see you as I come in and out of the room here at the top of the house .
Along with all this Philip has made his way to Beijing via Barcelona and Dubai he has had a wonderful journey - has been well looked after on his arrival there has a new flat already and will go to IKEA would you believe to make it feel like home - never thought of IKEA in China - he will have wifi tomorrow so we may well be able to be in touch soon - tomorrow Sandra and I are thinking of a visit to Helensburgh to look at houses .
so my love I am recovering from Philips departure- plenty of distractions - not so easy to recover from you leaving me - I love. You always - TT Helen xxx
I am sitting on the bed at Sandra's the wind in howling round the house and it is pouring with rain so a typical bank holiday weekend. It has been a very emotional time here in Glasgow . Marie and I spent a long evening talking about you the other evening which was lovely - Matthew came in later and we chatted about our memories too - I enjoyed my time with them as ever.
When I got to Sandra's we were both shattered but we took her charges to the park and collected some children from school - we had some fun with them before they left for home and Sandra finished for the weekend- Harry made a lovely salmon dish which we enjoyed and Sandra and I had an early night - next day we both had massages much needed in my case then Jackie picked us up and we went for pizza in Byres Road had a good catch up then we went to see Far from the Madding Crowd - which we all enjoyed but would not rave about it .
Yesterday Sandra and I went out with Julie to look at wedding dresses- when Julie was trying them on -it was such a treat - she has such a lovely slim frame so looked great in everything she tried on but there were two that just stood out. - took our breath away - I cried of course - she will,have some time to reflect on this now and make up her mind this week - it takes about six months to make the dress to her size- she does not have a date yet because they have not found a venue that suits them but I think this might be an late autumn early winter wedding !
I took them to the champagne lounge in Central hotel and the girls had Proseco and Sandra and I had sparkling water - it was a really special day - for all of us .
Sandra and I them came home for the car and headed to Silverburn to collect Sandra's phone - she was a very happy camper to have it back. Harry made us a Chinese curry for supper I watched the end of the Man U WBA match sadly we lost 1-0.
Today we went with Scott and Fallon to see their new home - they get the keys next week very exciting for them and a lot of fun for me to see the house and hear their plans- we went for coffee after and enjoyed a good chat . we came home and got a call from Julie she and Raphs are at Devonshire Hotel for a night away - they got an upgrade to a suite - Ab Fab - it was lovely hearing Raph talking about his plans for having a wedding suit made - lovely couple you would like them - both couples in fact. I have a picture of you with me - it is lovely to see you as I come in and out of the room here at the top of the house .
Along with all this Philip has made his way to Beijing via Barcelona and Dubai he has had a wonderful journey - has been well looked after on his arrival there has a new flat already and will go to IKEA would you believe to make it feel like home - never thought of IKEA in China - he will have wifi tomorrow so we may well be able to be in touch soon - tomorrow Sandra and I are thinking of a visit to Helensburgh to look at houses .
so my love I am recovering from Philips departure- plenty of distractions - not so easy to recover from you leaving me - I love. You always - TT Helen xxx
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